


Come Out of Hiding (I'm Right Here Beside You)

by osaki_nana_707



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Fluff and Smut, Gratuitous use of song lyrics, M/M, Slow Burn, Vomiting, broadway!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:06:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 84,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9083449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osaki_nana_707/pseuds/osaki_nana_707
Summary: After forgetting the words to his song during a vocal competition as a teenager, Yuuri Katsuki decided singing was not for him. Instead he went to NYU to study English. He never expected Viktor Nikiforov, Broadway star extraordinaire looking to direct his first production on the stage, would ever find his up-and-coming lead... in him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea where this is going *finger guns*
> 
> literally just started writing this because of a slow week at work hey-oooo
> 
> beta-read by redxluna

**One.**

Yuuri loved New York.

Maybe that was a silly thing to think, especially since it wasn’t at all like television and movies painted it to be, but the bustle of it all was easy to get lost in. Everyone was always in too much of a hurry to pay any mind, and for someone like him, that was the greatest gift a city could offer. Back home in Hasetsu, everyone was always in everyone’s business. Here in New York, it was easy for him to be a nobody. Nobodies didn’t get asked questions about how the singing was going or if he’d gotten a new voice teacher. Nobodies didn’t have to look at trophies representing his sister's various accomplisments and remember how he might have gotten one too if he hadn’t completely flubbed his very first competition.

In New York, he didn’t have to think about any of that. He could just be that unassuming Japanese student majoring in English. It was a quiet life. It was a safe life.

That wasn’t to say it wasn’t completely without music, of course.

New York City was a hub for all sorts of music, and whenever Yuuri’s roommate Phichit could convince him, they would go out on the town and support the singers at open mic nights. Sometimes they’d even do karaoke, though Yuuri would never participate (at least not until he was so drunk he couldn’t remember). For his birthday the first year he was in New York, Phichit had even splurged money he surely didn’t have to get them tickets to _Phantom of the Opera_. To this day, Yuuri didn’t know how he’d managed it, especially because it was Viktor Nikiforov playing the title role.

 _The_ Viktor Nikiforov.

He was the biggest name in Broadway, had been for years. Yuuri had idolized him since he was learning to sing. His last teacher, Celestino had rolled his eyes almost every time Yuuri brought in a new song to learn because it was almost always one Viktor had done. Celestino had made a deal with Yuuri that he’d teach him whatever Broadway tune he wanted, provided Yuuri learned a classical piece he’d picked out in exchange. It had worked out rather well… until it didn’t.

For the rest of the time, Yuuri almost always had his headphones in, listening to songs he’d learned long ago, had memorized so many times he could probably sing them in his sleep (provided he didn’t sing in front of judges). He never sung loudly, usually just to himself when he was alone, but Phichit still claimed Yuuri had a great voice. “I’m all right,” he’d tell him every time, shrugging. “I’m nowhere near amazing.”

Somewhere down the line, he’d believed otherwise. With every new song he learned, he thought he was bound to be the next up-and-comer on Broadway, that one day he’d be in a show with Viktor, but the top billing would be Yuuri’s name. His name in lights had sounded like such an amazing thing in theory… but then all that went out the window the moment he tried to sing in front of people.

Who would have thought someone with anxiety and a perfectionist streak as bad as his would get crippling stage fright? He probably should have seen it coming from miles and miles (and miles and miles and miles) away.

No, he’d be satisfied just going to the same college Viktor had attended, the same college where Viktor had been unwittingly discovered after going to an audition on a whim.

Viktor was just lucky in that aspect. Naturally talented, naturally beautiful, naturally fearless.

Yuuri would never measure up.

That was _fine_ , of course. He didn’t need to sing for anyone anyway. He’d be perfectly happy to keep watching Viktor perform, learning the songs on his own for nothing other than fun. He’d heard rumors about Viktor lately, rumors that he’d be directing a show rather than starring in one. Maybe he could get himself and Phichit tickets when it premiered.

For now though, he had to study for his midterms, so he was in the school library after dark, having holed up in a corner hours ago with a bunch of books. He knew he should head back to the dorm soon. All the other students had left, leaving only the librarian downstairs on the first floor and him here. If he didn’t want to get accidentally locked in, he’d need to finish up. The words were starting to blur together as it was, but if he just woke himself up a little, he was sure he could power through the last chapter.

He got out of his chair and started walking around the library, trying to get the blood flowing. He switched his music over from the classical instrumentals he used to focus to the Broadway playlist that always got him moving. He had a track, albeit a bootleg copy, of the version of Les Miserables’ “Do You Hear the People Sing” when Viktor had been playing Enjolras that always got him excited. Even at poor quality, the track built in power until it was stirring his heartstrings. He wished he’d been able to see that performance, but the cast had never performed it in Japan.

He sang along, softly at first as he marched around the library, grateful to be alone so he wasn’t embarrassing himself. “ _Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again_!”

God, what a performance it must have been to see Viktor in that role! He must have been truly magnificent, his silvery hair gleaming under the lights, his blue eyes determined, his voice strong. Yuuri had seen videos people had posted on Youtube, but there was no chance it compared to the real thing. Nothing ever compared to the real thing. He and Phichit had learned that at _Phantom_.

“ _When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes_!”

Viktor was an absolutely _electric_ presence on the stage, which was why he’d been so immediately successful. Yuuri was enamored with him (his _performances_ , that was) from the first note he’d ever heard him sing. Phichit had known almost nothing about theatre before he met Yuuri, but because of how incredible Viktor was, Phichit now worked tech on all of the NYU shows. He’d even begged Yuuri to take a dance class with him, but Yuuri didn’t feel comfortable making an attempt at dancing in front of people.

“ _Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?_ ”

Viktor could dance. God, he could do _everything_! Yuuri could do nothing but laugh at his younger self that thought he could even compare because he had an okay singing voice. Sure, he’d taken dance lessons at the ballet studio when he was younger because Viktor had done ballet, but his lessons with Minako were private and stayed that way. He’d never been _great_ at it. Yuuri Katsuki wasn’t _great_ at anything. He was good, but _good_ didn’t cut it out in the real world.

Still… it was nice to imagine, sometimes. In an alternate universe where Yuuri didn’t have anxiety, standing on the stage and singing his lungs out to an enthralled crowd with Viktor standing next to him.

“ _Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free_!”

As if.

“ _Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again! When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes_!”

Yuuri stood on the table at the back of the library, singing for that imaginary crowd, his hand in imaginary Viktor’s hand. He could practically feel the heat of the lights, could hear the orchestra swelling.

“ _Will you give all you can give so that our banner may advance?Some will fall and some will live, will you stand up and take your chance_?”

He could feel Viktor’s fingers squeezing his, could hear his beautiful voice singing.

“ _The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France_!”

...Actually, that singing was really clear, way more clear than his track ever had been… and that hand really felt real too.

Oh, shit.

“ _Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again_!”

Yuuri stared, mouth hanging open silently as Viktor Nikiforov-- _the_ Viktor Nikiforov-- stood next to him on the library table, joyously singing along, hand still holding to Yuuri’s hand, as if this was just a thing. That happened. All the time.

“ _When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes_!”

THIS WAS NOT A THING THAT HAPPENED ALL THE TIME.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!

“Oh, aww,” Viktor Nikiforov, _VIKTOR NIKIFOROV_ , said, turning when the song was over. “Why’d you stop?”

Yuuri didn’t know why Viktor Nikiforov, _VIKTOR NIKIFOROV_ , would think for a second he’d be capable of coherent speech.

“Oh, sorry, I got so caught up in the moment I didn’t even introduce myself. Viktor Nikiforov.”

The most Yuuri managed in response to that was a squeak. Viktor was here, shaking his hand, hell, still _holding_ his hand. Somehow he developed the ability to bring his imagination to literal life, Yuuri thought, staring at the silvery hair that was still so shiny even under the dull fluorescent lights. He was so lifelike. His imagination was really good at this.

...because this had to be his imagination. This couldn’t really be happening.

“It’s rude not to introduce yourself back!” Viktor sing-songed with his little heart-shaped smile and ohgodthiswasreallyhappening.

“YUURI KATSUKI!” he said, and in hindsight, the volume of it was probably too loud. In his defense, Viktor _was_ still holding his hand.

“Nice to meet you, Yuuri!” Viktor said enthusiastically. “That was quite a performance you were putting on. I couldn’t help but join in.”

Yuuri’s lungs were burning, and he only realized then that he’d stopped breathing. Viktor was here. Viktor was _here. Viktor Nikiforov was **here**_. He breathed in slowly, in, out, in, out.

Viktor Nikiforov was here, and he was so much more magnificent up close like this. He was so _tall_ , and his hair so _shiny_ , and his eyes so _blue_ , and his skin so _flawless_.

…and yet, all Yuuri could think to say in this musical God’s presence was, “Wh-wh-what are you d-doing here?!”

To be fair, it was a good question.

“I used to go to school here!” he said joyfully, completely unfazed by the staring and the shock. He was probably used to this sort of thing. “I was free for the evening, so I thought I’d come and wander the grounds! This used to be my favorite nook to study in because it was so private. I sang on this table too, fancy that! Are you one of the Theatre majors here?”

“Oh, n-no,” Yuuri said, eyes trailing slowly down to where Viktor was still, _still_ holding his hand. Did he just not _notice_? How could he not notice? “I’m an English major.”

“Oh, wonderful, I love English! So you’re minoring in Theatre then. It’s always good to have a backup plan since the world of theatre is so cutthroat.”

“I don’t… minor in Theatre either.”

“Oh.”

Viktor blinked, head tilting to the side like a confused puppy dog, like he didn’t understand how that could be possible.

“You sing like that, and you don’t perform?” he asked.

DOES NOT COMPUTE.

“What?”

“...but you have such great stage presence!” Viktor exclaimed. “Did you really have no idea that you were talented?”

Yuuri was back to incoherency, eyes darting away and back again. Did he seriously just say that?

“No, no, you’ve been trained, I can tell,” Viktor continued talking like it was nothing. “You have the proper posture and breathing techniques so surely you’ve been trained.”

“I… y-yes…?” Yuuri finally managed. Did that even make sense?

“So why not pursue it? You’re so talented!”

There it was again, that word that he couldn’t possibly have used because this was _Viktor Nikiforov_.

“I need you,” Viktor said suddenly.

SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED.

Viktor lifted Yuuri’s hand (because he was STILL holding it) and dug a pen out of his coat pocket, scrawling a number onto Yuuri’s palm. “Text me~!” he sang. “I want to set you up for an audition for my new show!”

“WHAT?!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Two.**

“PHICHIT!”

Yuuri slammed open the door to their shared dorm, finding Phichit wide-awake and carefree as always, texting away on his phone.

“Yuuri!” he greeted cheerfully. “You look terrible!”

Yuuri shut the door quickly and pressed his back against it, reminding himself to breathe again. He tried to calm himself down by taking in the features of the room-- the white walls, the two beds (one obviously occupied by Phichit), the fluffy blue rug under the desk on Yuuri’s side of the room. Phichit had hung Christmas lights over the window, wasn’t that nice and calming? Oh, yes, so calming. The navy bedspread on Yuuri’s bed, the beanbag chair… The posters, upon posters, upon posters of musical theatre shows starring _Viktor Nikiforov_ , oh God! Not calming at all!

“Phichit,” he said, softer now but much more gravely.

“Mid-terms aren’t even until tomorrow, Yuuri. Do you really think you’re going to do badly? You’ve been studying since you got out of class.”

“It’s… it’s not-- what just happened, it was-- what the fuck…”

Phichit blinked and set his phone down at last. “What _did_ just happen?”

“Viktor Nikiforov happened.”

“Oh! Does he have a new video out?” Back on his phone.

“No. He was _here_. I saw him. He was… no, it couldn’t have been. I must have been dreaming.”

Phichit dropped his phone and climbed off of his bed. “You _saw_ him?... Bullshit!” He laughed.

“I swear…” Yuuri said, meeting Phichit in the middle of the room. God, he was still _shaking_.

“You’re serious,” Phichit breathed, helping Yuuri over to his bed and making him sit down. “You… you seriously saw him here. On campus.”

Yuuri nodded.

“I can’t believe… I can’t believe you didn’t bring him up here to meet me!”

Yuuri sighed, supposing he should have expected that reaction. “I barely talked to him. I didn’t even know what to say. One minute I was just standing on the table in the library singing--”

Phichit snorted and giggled. “What?”

Yuuri blushed and looked away. “I was in the library, and suddenly Viktor Nikiforov was standing there next to me singing too. I thought I had imagined it.”

“Amazing,” Phichit said, eyes glimmering. “What did he say?”

“He… said I was… talented.” Yuuri couldn’t help but smile a little at the memory, even if he disagreed. To hear such a thing from his _idol_ … It really was amazing as Phichit said.

“Ahh~, that’s so cool,” Phichit said, hands covering his mouth. “See? I told you that you were good.”

“I haven’t even gotten to the craziest part.” Yuuri lifted up his palm to show Phichit. “He gave me his phone number.”

Phichit immediately started dialing it.

“DON’T!” Yuuri cried, closing his palm before Phichit could get the last digit. “Are you out of your mind? You can’t just _call_ him!”

“Why not? He gave you his number.”

“He… he wanted me to text him so I could come out and audition for his new show.”

“OMG, when are you going?!”

“I’m _not_. There’s no way I could ever audition for a stage production. I can’t sing in front of a small crowd, much less Viktor. Besides, I have school.”

“It’s midterms. After next week you’ll be out until January. Plus, I’m pretty sure the school would cut you some slack if you were in a _Broadway_ show. You wouldn’t even need to go to school if you were in Viktor’s show! You’d be famous!”

A part of him was excited over that idea; several, larger parts of him were mortified. “Nope! Nope, nope, nope,” he said, promptly throwing himself under the covers to hide.

“Aww, come on! You can’t miss out on an opportunity like this!” Phichit cried, shoving at him. “Are you seriously going to blow off Viktor Nikiforov?!”

“I can’t do it!” Yuuri yelled back. “I can’t just talk to him! I can’t sing in front of him!”

“But didn’t you already do both of those things?”

Yuuri paused.

Phichit did have a point.

Yuuri sat up, tossing the the covers off of himself. “Why would he even want me? I’m the most average guy in the universe!”

“Maybe he saw something in you that you don’t,” Phichit offered with a smile.

Yuuri was _not_ blushing.

“You’re blushing!” Phichit laughed.

“Shut up.”

Phichit did shut up, but he also handed Yuuri his phone. “This is fate, Yuuri. This is _destiny_. This… this could be the Broadway musical that _you_ write someday after you follow in Viktor’s footsteps!”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“Well, it definitely won’t if you never make an attempt at it.”

Yuuri looked down at his phone. The lockscreen was a picture of Viktor as the Phantom.

“Come on, at least make sure he wasn’t pranking you! Make sure it’s his number.”

“He wouldn’t lie about that. Would he?”

“Now’s your chance to find out.”

This was unbearable, but the expectant look from Phichit was worse, so he unlocked his phone and typed in the number before sending off a text message.

_Is this Viktor?_

There was a minute or two where he got no response, and he thought that would perhaps be the end of it… but then…

**It is! (⌒▽⌒)☆**

Yuuri stared at the response, heart pounding, pounding, pounding. _Oh, my God, this is for real_ , he thought.

Then Phichit took his phone from him. “Don’t just sit there!” he complained, hammering out a response. Yuuri was horrified by it.

_Prove it_

“Don’t say that!” Yuuri cried, but it was too late. It had already been sent.

There was a longer pause between replies, but then his phone was dinging, and he found waiting for him… a selfie of Viktor in front of a snowy window in a bar just down the street, flashing the victory sign. Yuuri recognized that bar. He and Phichit had frequented that bar.

“It is him,” Phichit gasped. “He’s not even that far. We could go find him!”

“We’re not doing that,” Yuuri said. “I could barely speak in front of him. If you want me to do this, it’s going to have to be through text.”

“So you are going to do it?”

“I-- I don’t know yet! Give me a minute to adjust to the fact that I have my idol’s number in my phone and he’s _texting me right now_!”

**Who is this (•ิ_•ิ)?**

Yuuri took a deep breath and let it out and then texted back.

_Yuuri Katsuki. We spoke earlier_

Viktor, ever the surprise, responded immediately.

**Send me a selfie!**

_Really?_ Yuuri thought, amazed.

“This is my specialty,” Phichit, who had been reading over his shoulder, said, grabbing the phone and pulling up the camera. “Let me get my selfie stick!”

“Phichit, _please_ ,” Yuuri begged, but it was meaningless. Phichit was attaching Yuuri’s phone to the selfie stick and getting into frame with him.

“Smile!” Phichit said and took a picture of the both of them.

“He didn’t say he wanted both of us in the picture, Phichit.”

“He would have if he knew I was here,” he said, looking at the photo. “I look great in this shot, but you didn’t smile. You just look confused.”

“I think that’s an accurate description of how I’m feeling right now.”

“Whatever,” Phichit said with an easy smile and sent off the photo.

Yuuri flopped back down onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow. “This is crazy. This can’t be happening. Viktor Nikiforov is texting me, and he uses little emojis.”

“I can’t understand anything you’re saying with your face in that pillow,” Phichit said, continuing to text on Yuuri’s phone as if he’d been invited into the conversation.

Yuuri lifted his head. “What-- what are you saying to him?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing doesn’t have that many letters!” he said, making a grab for the phone. Phichit relinquished it willingly, which was scarier than if he had yanked it away because that meant he’d already sent it.

_When do u want me to come audition for u? I can bring a headshot and a resume! Im so honored that u thought of me~ im a big fan (°◡°♡)_

“I hadn’t even decided if I was gonna do it,” Yuuri said, blanching. “I don’t even have a headshot or a resume. I’ve never been in a show before.”

“That’s all right, I can take your headshot,” Phichit said confidently. “It’ll be great to add to my portfolio! Do you think Viktor would let me be the show photographer?”

“Oh, I see how it is. _You’re_ the one trying to get a job out of this,” Yuuri said flatly.

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

“Was the emoji really necessary?”

“What? It’s cute. He was being cute. You should be cute back.”

“This is a nightmare.”

“Yuuri, you’re so dramatic! You really should be an actor.”

The phone dinged, signalling another response.

**Ahh~ amazinggg ur so professional! Really? Ur a big fan of me? Thats so cool! I think i could be a big fan of urs too someday if u get the part (○ﾟε^○)**

“I’m gonna throw up,” Yuuri said. “Holy shit.”

Phichit took the phone back and responded while Yuuri leaned over the garbage can and begged the world to keep his stomach contents intact. Maybe he would just die right here. Dying would be nice right now.

“So, I told him that you’ll have to wait until after midterms, but that you’d contact him as soon as you were done and set up a meeting time and place. That’ll give us time to take your headshot. Oh! And you’ll probably need to pick out a song too, since it’s an audition. And a monologue. This is so exciting! Aren’t you excited?”

“I’m going to bed,” he groaned, crawling back under the covers. “I should’ve never told you about this.”

“Yeah…” Phichit agreed, “but you did, so…” He grinned.

“Oh, God, what do you even sing for Viktor Nikiforov?!”

\--

If there was one thing Phichit was good for, other than ruining Yuuri’s life, it was the ability to keep a secret. Yuuri half-expected to wake up the next day to a slew of text messages from everyone on Phichit’s social media pages, but the phone was blank except for one reply from Viktor.

Yuuri sat up on the bed, glancing at Phichit’s still form in the early morning light to make sure he was asleep, and then he unlocked the phone to read the reply.

 **Great!** It said. **I cant wait to see u! Break a leg at your midterms~ U^ｪ^U I know u will do gr8!**

“He texts like a teenage girl,” Yuuri said softly to himself, a fond smile spreading across his face. “Who would have thought…?”

His finger hovered over the keyboard, tempted to write a reply, but he thought better of it. This was still Viktor Nikiforov. He couldn’t just go and act like they were buddies. Yuuri would surely make a fool of himself if he did that.

No, he’d have to save making a fool of himself for the audition, probably.

He groaned, falling backwards onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling. As scary as all this was, the fluttering in his heart felt lighter, almost like he really was _excited_. Sure, he didn’t feel deserving, and he knew he’d probably fuck it up… but it really was a dream of an opportunity. Viktor Nikiforov had asked _him_ , him _personally_ , to audition. Even if it all went wrong, if nothing else it was a great story. Besides, Viktor must have seen _something_ in him. Yuuri wasn’t quite sure what that was, but it had to be there.

He picked up his phone again, swallowing hard, and pulled up Celestino’s number.

 _Can I ask you a question?_ He texted.

Fifteen minutes went by where Yuuri almost fell back to sleep.

**Yuuri! It’s been a long time. I didn’t expect to be hearing from you. What can I do for you?**

Yuuri blinked the sleep out of his eyes and forced himself to sit up again so he wouldn’t drift off further. _You’re going to think I’m crazy, but I need an audition piece_ , he texted. _Any suggestions???_

**What kind of show are you auditioning for?**

_I actually don’t know anything about it. The director came across me by chance and asked me to audition._

**Well how about that? That’s great! Here I’d thought you’d quit singing.**

Yuuri’s shoulders slumped, and he could feel a knot forming in his throat. He swallowed around it and texted back, _I guess I’m more full of surprises than I thought I was. It’s just an opportunity I can’t pass up._

**The best thing to do for an audition is to sing a song that feels similar to the music in the show, but since you don’t know what it is you may have to just pick one and hope for the best. I always liked when you sang that Music Man piece. Til There Was You in the low key. Do you still have the sheet music?**

_Yes._

**Well bring that one and then a modern piece. Once you find out what the music is like, you can pick between the two. You’ll probably only get 16 to 32 bars to sing, so you need to decide which part of each song best highlights your voice. Your modern piece would best be an uptempo piece too if you sing the other. They might have you sing both.**

_I’m not sure what would be best_

**You’ve got an incredible amount of range, but your best asset is the emotion you express when you sing. Just trust yourself and you’ll be fine. You can do it!**

Yuuri blushed, and he felt that knot in his throat grow larger when another text rolled in.

**You’re so talented Yuuri. It’d be a waste if you didn’t sing.**

Yuuri closed his eyes and willed away the tears. All he could do was hope that Celestino was right, not only about him being talented but that he could do this.

_I’ll record my 32 bars once I decide on them, and I’ll send them to you. Is that okay?_

**Of course!!**

He could do this.

He _could_ do this.

He could _do this_.


	3. Chapter 3

  **Three.**

He couldn’t do this.

How could he do this? How could he get himself together enough to even make an attempt at auditioning for a show? Yuuri, with his glasses and hair in his face, still sporting the last dregs of his “freshman fifteen” even in junior year, with a voice that hadn’t been used in front of anyone since he was a teenager… This was bound to be a disaster.

He couldn’t let his old friend anxiety take up residence and let it ruin his school career on top of the audition, so Yuuri did the only thing he could think to do, and that was go running for the next several mornings. With his music blasting in his ears, he got up at the crack of dawn, threw on his sweats, and headed out the door. He ran until his legs ached and his head quieted down and just tried to focus on finding the right song to sing for Viktor.

Maybe “Dancing Through Life”?

No, everyone did _Wicked_.

“Shiksa Goddess” perhaps?

Maybe…

He supposed he could do a song from _Phantom_ … No, no, it needed to be an upbeat, modern song and the only musical done to death more than _Wicked_ was _Phantom_. He didn’t have the sheet music for “Goodbye” from _Catch Me if You Can_ , and he worried it might be a little high for him anyway. He could hit all the notes in the shower, but in front of Viktor that would probably be a different story. Hell, he’d be lucky if he could even get a note out in front of Viktor.

 _Just pick one you idiot!_ He told himself as he marched up the stairs to his dorm, determined to shower before his last mid-term. He’d somehow managed to ace his previous ones, despite the chaos inside his head.

“Tonight at Eight” from _She Loves Me._ “I’m Alive” from _Next to Normal_. “Waving Through a Window” from _Dear Evan Hansen_.

Something.

Anything.

He closed the door, grateful to be in the room by himself for a moment or two. He settled into the silence with a deep exhale, wiping the sweat off of his brow. At least all of this running had helped him lose a couple of pounds, he supposed, though that wouldn’t do him much good if Viktor’s show was a dance heavy show. Thin or not, he was still rusty when it came to dancing. Maybe he should have put a call in to Minako too, rather than just Celestino, though she probably wouldn’t be much help from fourteen hours away.

He took a shower, got dressed.

“Great Big Stuff” from _Dirty Rotten Scoundrels_?

Maybe he really should just bring the one song and hope for the best. It wasn’t like Viktor was actually going to _cast_ him. He didn’t know why he was thinking about this so hard.

He’d never _really_ picked his own music though. Sure, he’d constantly bring in pieces he wanted to learn, but when the competition had come around, he’d asked Celestino to pick his best pieces… and even then he’d fucked _that_ up. He could still remember standing in front of the judges as the accompanist started to play and finding himself unable to sing a note. When he’d finally managed one, it was the wrong one, and he proceeded to fall apart in front of them. His performance was _abysmal_. He couldn’t even remember the words to songs he’d memorized a million times over.

Celestino had told him not to take it so hard and that he’d do better next time, but next time had never come. Yuuri just couldn’t handle the pressure.

Now the pressure had come back but amped itself up to eleven. No wonder he was a mess.

Sighing, he crouched at his desk, opening the bottom drawer and pulling out a book of CDs from his practice days, all of them neatly labeled accompany tracks. He flipped through them until he’d found the song Celestino had suggested and put it in the stereo on the shelf.

 _Just sing_ , he told himself. _No one is here. You used to love this._

The piano lilted out from the speakers, and Yuuri closed his eyes and just listened for his time to come in. Here in the quiet, empty room, he had no trouble with the words or with the heart. All he had to do was think about the first time he’d heard Viktor sing, how that performance had awakened something beautiful and magnificent in him, something he had once cherished before fear had left it splintered with cracks.

“ _There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing… No, I never heard them at all, ‘til there was you… There were birds in the sky, but I never saw them winging… No, I never saw them at all, ‘til there was you..._ ”

How he would have loved to hear Viktor sing a piece like this one. He was sure he’d do it beautifully… He’d love to hear his voice and love to hear his thoughts when he sang songs like this. Maybe he thought of someone he loved, someone that made the warmth of that song come through.

Yuuri just thought of Viktor.

“ _And there was music, and there were wonderful roses, they tell me! In sweet, fragrant meadows of dawn and dew…_ ”

Yuuri never thought he was all that good on his own, but if he pretended to be Viktor, he felt like he could do anything because Viktor _could_ do anything. Viktor was so incredible, so _prepared_ for everything thrown his way. His notes never wavered, his words never disappeared, his movements never faltered. He was _perfect_.

“ _There was love all around, but I never heard it singing…_ ”

Yuuri was just a nobody playing pretend.

“ _No, I never heard it at all, ‘til there was you…_ ”

...but hey, wasn’t that what acting was all about?

“Wow…”

Yuuri’s whole body shivered with fear at the sound of a voice behind him. He really had to stop getting lost in the song to the point that he didn’t hear people come into the room. Thankfully, this time it was just Phichit rather than anyone famous.

“I’ve never heard you sing out like that before,” Phichit said. “You really _are_ good.”

“I’m okay,” Yuuri said sheepishly, turning off the stereo, unable to look Phichit in the face. “I’m nothing special.”

“You keep talking like that and you will be,” he said. “Is that what you’re going to sing for Viktor?”

“M-maybe.”

“Have you texted him yet?”

“I’ve still got one midterm left.”

“Yeah, but that’ll be over this afternoon and then you could see him tonight maybe, right?”

“I’m sure he’s busy…”

“Don’t make me do it for you, Yuuri. Take control of your life! Seize the day! La Vie Boheme!”

“I think you were looking for ‘Carpe Diem’, Phichit.”

“This is Broadway. I was looking for La Vie Boheme.”

Yuuri adjusted his glasses. “You still haven’t taken a headshot of me. You said I’d need that.”

“Well, do you have time right now? You’ve got a 3.8 GPA Photography major ready to work for you,” he grinned. “Come on, we’ll make you look really cool. Do you still have your contact lenses?”

\--

“I really should be doing this after the test. I don’t want to go into the exam dressed like this. I’ll look ridiculous.”

Phichit had taken it upon himself to comb Yuuri’s hair back off his face and put him in all black. While the sweater was warm (a welcome addition in New York’s winter weather), it was also tight and made him feel self-conscious. Apparently none of the clothes Yuuri owned were “cool” enough for the photo, so Phichit had substituted with some of his own.

“You know, I own black clothes too,” Yuuri had said, but Phichit had just shook his head and insisted he put his contacts in.

“They want to see your face,” he had said.

Now they were in the photo studio, Phichit setting up lights so that it would look just right. “Your classmates wouldn’t even recognize you if you came in like this, honestly,” Phichit said. “You look really cool. Don’t sell yourself short. If you go into your exam like this you might even walk out of there with a phone number!”

“I’ve gotten more than enough phone numbers in the last few weeks,” Yuuri said flatly, “and that was just the one.”

“Do you think Viktor saved our selfie as his phone background like you did with his?”

Yuuri’s whole face turned red. “How did you know about that?”

“You’re not as subtle as you think. Don’t worry, I would’ve done it too. It’s really cool.”

“You seem to think you’re the authority on what’s cool, Phichit.”

“Then you should be flattered because you’re my best friend.”

Yuuri scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck awkwardly. “This still feels weird. I should probably be studying.”

“You’re going to be fine,” Phichit said, lifting his camera to adjust the lens. “You know, you really are a good-looking guy, Yuuri. You’ve got pretty features. Maybe that’s why Viktor wants you as the lead.”

“I’m not hideous, but I’m hardly leading man material.”

“I think you are.”

“I’m not tall enough.”

“Neither was Kristin Chenoweth, but now she gets a ton of leading lady roles.”

“That’s because Kristin Chenoweth is amazing.”

“And so are you.” Click.

Yuuri shrank further into himself until Phichit scolded him to sit up tall. It was a little funny to hear because it was the exact thing Celestino would tell him when he would be seated. ‘You don’t want your spine to get all bent out of shape. Practice makes perfect, and good posture is the perfect practice’. Yuuri just couldn’t help but be a wilting flower sometimes, he guessed.

He sat up, hands in his lap, eyes following as Phichit moved around him, taking several photos. “Normally we’d take a long time with this,” Phichit said, “but since we’re kind of on a time crunch and I’ve still got to edit the picture we pick out, we’re just going to have to roll with it. Give me a sexy face.”

“I don’t know how to do a sexy face.”

“Pretend you’re Viktor. Viktor knows how to do a sexy face.”

“I’m pretty sure his face just looks like that,” Yuuri said, but if there was one thing he’d learned how to do when singing, it was how to pretend to be Viktor. He’d give it his best shot.

“Just close your eyes,” Phichit said, “and slowly open them while turning to look at me. Part your lips while you do it.”

Yuuri was tempted to make a comment on how Phichit was enjoying himself too much, but he really did need to look over his notes before that test (and record the bars of music he’d decided on to send to Celestino), so for now he just did as he was told. Phichit enthusiastically took photo after photo, told him to freeze, adjusted the lighting, and did it again.

“Remind me to get you to be my model again for my senior exhibition show,” he said.

“Do they really look that good?” he asked, managing a smile. Click.

“Like I said, you’ve got good features. Really, the only question is, what kind of person do you want to represent in your headshot? Like a sexy, mysterious guy, or a joyful, nice everyman? Maybe you should bring more than one. We don’t know what the lead character is like, after all.”

“Just the one will be fine,” Yuuri said, “and he never said he wanted me for the lead anyway. He didn’t tell me anything about the show at all. He probably wasn’t all that serious about me auditioning.”

“Or _maybe_ the audition is just a formality because he already wants you for the role.”

“I feel like he would have said something about that.”

“Viktor’s a guy that likes surprises, isn’t he?”

“That’s what he’s said in interviews.”

“Maybe that’s all there is to it.”

Yuuri doubted it was that simple, but he supposed he’d have time to ask when he went in for the audition…

He couldn’t believe he was still going into the _audition_ …

“Your eyes are sparkling right now, that’s great!” Phichit said. Click.

\--

All of the passing test scores in the world couldn’t make this text easy.

All of the compliments and advice Celestino could provide wouldn’t make a phone call possible.

It was probably just lucky that Viktor decided to text him first.

Yuuri had settled in for the night, propped against a pillow on his bed with his pajamas on and his laptop open to some Netflix show he was barely paying attention to when his phone started to buzz. He’d been staring at his phone for the last several minutes, formulating what he would put in a text to Viktor but finding it wouldn’t come out of the hypothetical state. Viktor had probably forgotten about him by now, he was sure. He’d probably already found his actors. And yet...

**Yuuri! U havent 4gottn about me hav u???? ( ; ω ; )**

Always full of surprises.

Yuuri swallowed down his shock and texted him back.

_No i was just about to text you actually_

If he ever got the nerve.

**Yay~! I guess im just quicker than u! How did ur midterms go?????**

_Fine. I passed all of them so now it’s time for xmas vacation to begin._

**Ur still going to audition for me right??**

Yuuri blushed. Viktor hadn’t forgotten about him after all.

_Sure of course just say when_

Man, he wished he could sound that confident when he spoke out loud. He was just glad Viktor couldn’t see his fingers trembling.

**How about 2night? Im free**

_What time?_

Oh, God, this couldn’t be happening.

**7?**

_Sure_

Oh, God, this was happening.

This was really happening.

He watched as an address popped up for a place in Manhattan, probably some posh workshop studio or something like that and-- _oh God this was really_ **_happening_**!!

He leaped out of bed and immediately started digging through his clothes to find something nice to wear. Was it too formal to wear a suit? Maybe just lose the tie? Keep it casual? Maybe no blazer. Too casual?

He was already freaking out and he hadn’t even left yet.

Worse, Phichit had gone out to celebrate passing the midterms with his photography friends, leaving him with no one to turn to. Dammit...

He put on black pants and a button-down, decided to bring the blazer with him but take it off if he needed to. No tie. Pretty cool, right?

He looked in the mirror and frowned. “Ugh, I look like my dad!” he whined.

He looked over at his desk where the headshot that Phichit had printed for him earlier was waiting. Maybe he could just do his hair like that…

With his contacts in and his hair pushed back off of his forehead, Yuuri bundled up into his coat, and with his headshot, his monologue, and his thirty-two bars of music he headed out the door.

He really just hoped he didn’t fuck this up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Four.**

The address in Manhattan didn’t lead him to a posh workshop studio.

It was posh, but it was an apartment complex.

“What the fuck,” Yuuri whispered to himself softly but with a lot of feeling.

Was this typical for auditions? Maybe Viktor just had a private studio here. Yeah, surely that was it.

He checked the address again to make sure he wasn’t mistaken. 105 W 29th on the 43rd floor. It had a room number and everything. This _was_ the place.

He walked into the lobby, feeling as though he was moving in slow motion, and yet all too quickly he was standing on the elevator and going up. The time it took to get to the 43rd floor was all the time he needed to rile up his anxiety to the point that he was afraid he would suffocate before he got there. Maybe it’d be all over the news-- this young man who just randomly died in an elevator to an apartment complex he’d never be able to afford a place in. The rent had to be in the thousands of dollars. Just for a private studio? Would Viktor spend that kind of money?

The elevator doors slid open, and Yuuri looked down at his phone again, checking the room number before trudging out. He hesitated there for several seconds, wondering if maybe he should just go back down and go back home and forget this ever happened. He could get back into his pajamas and fall asleep to Netflix. It would be so easy…

It was 6:58. He’d told Viktor he’d be here by seven, and he was already here.

“Don’t turn back now, Katsuki,” he whispered to himself. “Just do it fast. Like ripping off a band-aid.”

He approached the door and lifted his fist to knock. He was shaking again, fuck.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and knocked three times.

There was a moment or two that seemed to last an eternity, all of his thoughts rushing together to form _ABORTABORTGETOUTOFHERERUNAWAYABORTABORT_.

Then, the door opened, and there stood Viktor with that beaming smile and Yuuri’s name on his lips. “You’re right on time!” he said joyfully.

It didn’t take much for Yuuri to connect the dots from there. Viktor was wearing a three-quarter-sleeves V-neck and a pair of pajama bottoms, and his dog was at his side, trying desperately to push past him and see the new guest.

This was Viktor’s apartment. Where he lived.

“You look so handsome! Come inside,” Viktor said, ushering him in. It was an absolutely stunning place with modern furniture and artwork. The living and dining area was lined entirely with floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out on the city. Yuuri could even see the Empire State Building! There was a grand piano near the corner and Yuuri for the life of him couldn’t figure out how they’d gotten the damned thing in this place, but apparently Viktor had found a way. Yuuri had taken his shoes off as soon as he’d come in out of sheer habit from his childhood, and he could feel his sock-feet sinking into the plush white rug in the foyer. The hardwood floors were shining, the lights low and warm, the walls painted dark to contrast with the white and gray furniture. It looked like an apartment out of a magazine. Yuuri couldn’t have even dreamed up a place like this.

Before he could stare further, Viktor’s dog decided to give the biggest hello he could, leaping onto Yuuri and promptly knocking him over. All of the things Yuuri had brought with him were scattered across the floor, and he was receiving wet, drooly kisses from the poodle immediately.

“Makkachin! That’s bad!” Viktor scolded, taking him by the collar and carefully pulling him off of Yuuri. “How rude of you, Makkachin. He’s our guest!”

Yuuri sat up, the reality of everything still sinking in as he picked up his sheet music.

He was in Viktor’s _apartment_.

 _Don’t freak out_ , he told himself, even though internally he already very much was.

“Thank you for coming all this way,” Viktor said, holding out a hand to help Yuuri to his feet. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“No, I… I’m good, thanks…” He took the hand and stood, and what a miracle it was that he could stand when his knees were so weak! “Is this your… apartment?”

He already knew the answer to that, but he had to hear it to believe it for sure.

“Oh, yes, it’s nice, isn’t it? The view is wonderful.” He turned and looked at Yuuri then, smile soft and genuine. “I hope this is all right. I didn’t really find the need to rent a space when I’ve got a piano here. I feel a bit guilty though. I didn’t even ask if you liked dogs.”

“Th-that’s all right. I actually had a dog back home in Japan before I moved here for school.”

Viktor didn’t have to know that said dog was named after him.

“Oh, wonderful!” Viktor said, taking the papers from Yuuri and setting them on the piano. “So, how are you? Take your coat off and make yourself comfortable. I like to keep a positive energy in my apartment. I learned all about positive energy at the yoga studio downstairs! It’s great!”

“I uh…” Fuck, he was forgetting how to talk again. “Um…”

Viktor sat down at the piano, eyes gleaming. “So, should we order some dinner first, or would you like to get started?”

Yuuri may have never been to an audition, but he was almost positive they didn't normally go like this.

“Um, well, uh… we can go ahead and start, I guess. I brought thirty-two bars, and a monologue, but I wasn’t really sure what style to pick because I didn’t know anything about the show.”

Viktor snapped his fingers, eyes widening in wonder. “I knew I was forgetting something! I meant to tell you about the part! I guess I just got too excited. Well, I suppose I can tell you about it now, right?”

“S-sure.”

“The show's called _Complex_!” he said excitedly, “and it’s about a young man who moves to the city to reunite with his estranged father. He moves into an apartment complex where said father lives, and he tries to get up the ability to confront him. In the meantime he builds relationships with his neighbors. It’s all about how family is not about the blood in your veins but the people that you love.”

“That sounds nice,” Yuuri said honestly. “So, do you want me to play one of the neighbors then?”

“Oh. Oh, no, I want you to play the lead,” he said, simple as that.

“Wh… what?” Yuuri felt very small in Viktor’s apartment, and it wasn’t just the ten-foot ceilings.

“When I heard your singing, I thought it was perfect for the part. You have such a sincerity about you, an open heart. I told my composer Chris all about you. I think you’re wonderful. Will you sing for me now?”

“I… I brought thirty-two bars,” Yuuri said again, and his voice was so tiny it was a marvel Viktor even heard him.

Viktor started looking through the pile he’d taken from Yuuri, pausing at the headshot to admire it before setting it aside. “It looks like you brought the whole piece with you. Will you sing the whole song? I love this song.”

Yuuri didn’t know how he was even going to sing the thirty-two bars.

Viktor Nikiforov was sitting at a grand piano in his _pajamas_ , looking at Yuuri like he was the whole world. He wanted _Yuuri_ as the lead. How was this possible?

Yuuri cleared his throat and peeled out of his coat, setting it carefully over the back of the sofa. His hands were trembling, trembling, trembling, and all he could do was pray that Viktor didn’t notice.

“I didn’t bring a resume,” Yuuri said, staring at the floor because it was the only way he could make himself move closer to the piano. “I’ve never actually acted in a show before, so I didn’t really have anything to put on one. I’m just… saying that I don’t really have any experience, so if you decide to go in a different direction for the part, I wouldn’t blame you.”

“I won’t be able to decide on that until you sing,” Viktor said, setting the sheet music up. “I’ll play for you. Yuuri.”

Yuuri jolted as a hand encircled his wrist, and he looked into Viktor’s eyes. He could surely feel him shaking, but Viktor didn’t look annoyed or like he found it hilarious. His expression was simply soft and encouraging. “I want to hear you sing,” he said. “Please.”

“Okay,” Yuuri breathed, nodding once. Viktor returned his hands to the piano keys and started to play, and Yuuri closed his eyes and willed away the twisting feeling in his stomach. He just needed to pretend that he was Viktor and then he could do this.

He could do this.

He could _do this_.

“ _There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing… No, I never heard them at all, ‘til there was you… There were birds in the sky, but I never saw them winging… No, I never saw them at all, ‘til there was you…_ ”

He opened one eye and then the other and turned just as Viktor’s hands stilled on the keys, his brow furrowing slightly.

“S-sorry! Was that bad?” Yuuri asked, panic crawling up his chest.

“Oh, no, of course not,” Viktor said. “It was lovely so far, but may I provide a note?”

“Oh, uh… s-sure.”

“I don’t want you to sing it like how you think _I_ would want. I want you to sing it like you want to. You don’t have to try so hard to impress me.”

“I-- I don’t--”

“I know,” Viktor said, smiling sympathetically. “I understand. It’s easy to get caught up in the details, especially when you’ve been trained. Breathe like this, keep your posture, don’t forget to emote… but you already know how to do those things. You don’t have to think so hard. Just let it sing. Turn your thoughts off and sing from your heart. This is a love song, so just sing to someone that you love.”

He put his hands back on the keys and played the chord right before Yuuri was supposed to begin, coaxing him to restart.

Yuuri clenched and unclenched his fists, not sure how to respond. He wished he could explain how hard it was for him to turn off his thoughts, but with Viktor staring up at him expectantly, he could do nothing but try again.

“ _There were bells on the hill, but I never heard_ \--” his voice squeaked just a tad on the high note, but Viktor didn’t stop playing, so Yuuri didn’t stop singing. “ _\--them ringing… No, I never heard them at all, ‘til there was you…_ ”

Viktor had told him to sing for someone that he loved. He didn’t know how he was supposed to do that. Sure, he had plenty of people in his life that he loved in a friendly or familial sense, but this was a _love_ song. It was meant to be performed with the warmth and tenderness of a lover, and Yuuri had never been one. How could he show that kind of affection in a song if he’d never experienced such a thing…

...but he had, in a way, hadn’t he?

“ _And there was music and there were wonderful roses, they tell me! In sweet, fragrant meadows of dawn and dew…_ ”

He experienced that love when he heard Viktor sing. From the moment he’d first heard him, Yuuri had fallen in love with _singing_! This was not a song where he needed to pretend to _be_ Viktor… He needed to sing it _for_ Viktor.

“ _There was love all around, but I never heard it singing… No, I never heard it at all, ‘til there was you…_ ”

The interlude began, Viktor playing expertly through the notes, a smile on his face. He was delighted and carefree and far less worried about Yuuri messing up than Yuuri had been… and this was _Viktor_. Viktor, his idol. Viktor, the man Yuuri had always wanted to measure up to, to sing with, to stand on equal footing with… and he was getting his chance to try. All Yuuri had ever wanted to do was _sing_ , to pour his heart into the notes and to be listened to. In this brief moment, it wasn’t about whether or not he was any good. It didn’t matter that Viktor was famous. Right now, Viktor was just his audience of one, and he was the one the song was about. Even if his performance was terrible and he got laughed out of the building, it would be okay… because this wasn’t about the audition.

This was just his thank you to Viktor for filling his life with music.

“ _There was love all around, but I never heard it singing!... No… I… never heard it at all… ‘til there was… you…_ ”

The song came to an end and it settled around them both, and Yuuri didn’t even know how it had sounded. He’d gotten so caught up in the moment of it… the moment of singing for Viktor, singing for _Viktor_ , singing for **_Viktor_** …

Tears welled in his eyes and he covered his mouth with both hands to seal any sob from escaping.

 _Oh, God… what did I just do? Was it good? Did I do it right?_ He thought frantically. As fast as his mind was racing, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Viktor quickly for fear of what he’d see. He turned his head inch by inch, hoping, hoping, _hoping_ … though for what specifically he wasn’t sure.

Viktor was looking at the keys where his hands still sat, and Yuuri couldn’t see his face through his hair. _Oh, God…_

When he was sure it was safe enough to speak, he lowered his hands from his mouth. “Umm…”

That was all he got out before Viktor looked up at him, and his eyes were glittering, literally _glittering_. “That was amazing!!” he exclaimed, leaping to his feet and wrapping his arms tightly around Yuuri’s shoulders. “Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It was so beautiful. I felt it. I felt your love, Yuuri.”

Apparently Yuuri was never going to learn how to breathe around Viktor.

He was learning how to smile around him though, at least.

“No, th-thank… thank you,” he stammered, laughing a little even as a tear rolled down his cheek. He wasn’t sure if he was crying because of the emotion he’d felt or if it was just because he was relieved it was over.

Probably the latter. Probably…

Viktor pulled away, but his hands were still on Yuuri’s shoulders, and even in the dimly lit room he was shining like the sun. “You’re going to be so wonderful in my show. You’re going to win my show a Tony!”

Wait, what?

“Wait, what?”

“Yay! We’ll win Tony awards!” Viktor chimed. “I’ll put it on my shelf with the other ones!”

 _Oh, shit_. “Wait, you’re… you’re giving me the part without even hearing my monologue?”

“Oh, well, yes of course. I’d already decided you had the part before you got here. Surprise!” He grinned. “We should order out to celebrate! What kinds of foods do you like, Yuuri?”

If Yuuri had been able to form any sort of coherent sentence, it was quickly lost when Viktor’s hand came up to caress his cheek, thumb swiping away the tear that had settled there.

“Why me?” Yuuri managed after several seconds.

“Hm? Oh. Because…”

“Because why?”

Viktor blinked his beautiful blue eyes slowly (And his hand was _still_ on Yuuri’s _cheek_ ). “Because I picked you. I knew the moment I saw you that you were the one.”

 _Damn, that almost sounds romantic_ , Yuuri thought. _I’m the one… the one who can make Viktor’s show win a Tony? I can’t even sing in front of a crowd. What am I doing here? Why am I doing this?!_

“Can I…” Yuuri mumbled, face feeling warm with shame. “Can I… think about it?”

Viktor nearly jumped back, but his shock was quickly masked with a slightly hesitant smile. “Oh... of course. I certainly wouldn’t make you do anything.”

“I just… need to get my head in order,” Yuuri said, eyes going back to the floor. He wished he had his glasses and the hair in his face. He was feeling suddenly very exposed. “It’s a lot… it’s just a lot. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It is a big decision. Take a few days and think it over, and then give me a call, all right? You’ve got time. Christophe and I haven’t even finished writing the music yet.”

Yuuri swallowed thickly. “I… I will. I’ll think it over. I’ll call you.”

Viktor’s expression warmed, and Yuuri felt like he was melting under that gaze. “Don’t forget,” he said, brushing a hand through Yuuri’s hair. God, Viktor was so beautiful. Even his eyelashes were silver. Yuuri never thought in a million years he’d even get this _close_ to him. How could he possibly measure up? How could he possibly win Viktor a Tony?

“I won’t forget.”

He’d never forget this night for the rest of his life.


	5. Chapter 5

**Five.**

Phichit had probably expected to come home to a dark room and a sleeping Yuuri. On the contrary, when he stumbled into their dorm at 3:45 in the morning, Yuuri was still very much awake.

“Hey,” Phichit greeted, smiling though his brows were concerned.

Yuuri was sitting on his bed in the still brightly-lit room, staring at his phone, just staring at it where he’d left it as soon as he’d returned to the dorm. He hadn’t eaten dinner, hadn’t changed into pajamas… just… sat there.

“I went for my audition,” Yuuri said, looking up at Phichit, eyes watering.

From the sound of Yuuri’s voice, he supposed it was only natural that Phichit got the wrong idea. “Aww, dude, you didn’t get a callback? I mean, don’t feel bad! It was amazing that you did it at all!”

“I got the part,” Yuuri said.

Phichit was quiet.

...and then he was crying out in a sound Yuuri thought only dogs should be able to hear. “Ahh! That’s amazing! That’s-- holy shit!!”

His friend clambered onto the bed, folding his legs underneath him. “You really had me going there, Yuuri! I knew that you could do it! You have to tell me everything!”

Yuuri swallowed, feeling a little dizzy with it all. He was grateful that Phichit had finally returned so he wasn’t alone with his thoughts, but his enthusiasm was a bit overwhelming. “It was… insane,” he said, unable to find a better word for it. “I went to the address he sent, and it was his _apartment_. Like, where he _lives_.”

“Ah--”

“Before you ask, no, I’m not telling you, and no, we’re not going there.”

“At least tell me if it’s nice.”

“It’s the nicest apartment I’ve ever seen. His bathroom is probably bigger than this whole dorm room. Also, he has a dog.”

“We should get an apartment next semester. They’re expensive, but then we could have a dog. And hamsters.”

“You’d need to have a job.”

“No, I wouldn’t, because my roommate is about to be on Broadway!”

“I didn’t accept the part!”

Phichit quieted down instantly, his enthusiasm sloughing off of his shoulders like a well-worn jacket. He didn’t look disappointed, just surprised. “Why?”

“I didn’t tell him ‘no’ either,” Yuuri explained. “Look, okay, so I go to his apartment, and he has me… he has me sing for him. The whole song. After I finish, he tells me that he wanted me for the lead the entire time, and I…”

“You freaked out.”

“A little… but only on the inside. I just told him I needed to think about it.”

“So, have you decided what you’re going to tell him?"

“No,” he sighed, running his hands through his hair. He really needed to wash the gel out of it. “How do I explain to him that I’ve got horrible stage fright? He was so excited to have me there. I’m still processing _that_ all on its own.”

“Yuuri, he sees your _talent_. The talent that you _don’t_ see. You can’t listen to that little voice in your head that’s constantly beating you down, you know? Trust in him. He’s your idol and you believe in him, so let him believe in you.”

“It’s a lot easier to _say_ that from safe within these four walls with no one around, Phichit. You’re supposed to take baby steps into the big leagues. Starring in a Broadway show written and directed by Viktor Nikiforov isn’t just jumping into the deep end, it’s leaping into the ocean, and I can’t swim.”

“But you _can_ swim. You just keep telling yourself you can’t because you’re afraid. You need to be brave, Yuuri.”

“Being brave and being afraid don’t really intersect.”

“Of course they do. Being brave is doing it anyway, despite fear. You think I wasn’t afraid when I moved here from Thailand to become a Photographer? My parents were supportive, but I always knew how ridiculous it sounded. Some bright-eyed kid like me in New York, trying to make it with all of the other kids just like me, and _they_ could speak English fluently. You could speak it though, and you helped me through it, and now I speak English great. You were the calm in my storm, Yuuri. We weathered it together. So, now I’m here to help you do the same. This is a dream come true for you, isn’t it? You can’t let it slip through your fingers just because you’re not sure how it’ll pan out. If you don’t get to the ending, what’s the point of dreaming at all?”

Yuuri’s shoulders sagged. “I just… I don’t know. So maybe I _can_ sing. I’ve never acted a day in my life.”

“I have a couple of friends in Theatre here. Maybe you could ask them for advice.”

“I guess I could. I couldn’t tell them what for though or they might be hounding me for Viktor’s number and address.”

“Just tell them you’re thinking about getting into acting or something. I’ll set up a meeting with them for breakfast. That way you’ll have some time to mull over what you learn before you make a decision… but Yuuri… the main thing is, you need to trust yourself.”

“I know…” he groaned, flopping down onto the bed, his back grateful to finally be horizontal. “You’re not gonna take no for an answer regardless, are you?”

“Nope,” Phichit said, already sending off a text message on his phone. “And don’t go to sleep yet. You need to take a shower at least.”

\--

Leo de la Iglesia was the darling of the Theatre department at NYU, and it wasn’t just because he was a good actor. He was a good _person_ who was always buzzing about campus trying to lend a helping hand. When Phichit had texted him about going out to breakfast, Leo had insisted they come to his apartment and have him make breakfast instead. Yuuri really didn’t know how the guy found all of this spare time to be a jack of all trades, or at least he didn’t until he and Phichit got to the apartment at 8:00 AM.

Leo was a morning person.

Not just a morning person, but the most morning-est person to ever be.

“Good morning!” he greeted jovially as he opened the door. He was already showered and dressed, his long hair combed and styled. Phichit hadn’t gotten home until after 3:00, and he’d said Leo had been with him. Yuuri had barely managed to shave and was still half asleep after the long walk to Leo’s apartment, and yet…

“How is he so peppy?” Yuuri whispered to Phichit as they stepped inside. The apartment was a tiny studio, and it felt especially so considering he shared it with a roommate, but it was spotless. The small table in the kitchen/dining area had a tablecloth on it and everything. The bed in the corner of the room was still occupied by Leo’s roommate Guang Hong Ji. Apparently he was not as much of a morning person as Leo was.

“I don’t question it,” said Phichit. “Just trust in his breakfast skills. I’ve bared witness to his beautiful waffles. They’ll make you see the face of God.”

“It’s nice to have some company,” Leo said as he moved back into the kitchen area to finish with said waffles. “Sorry there’s not a lot of space. What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

Yuuri and Phichit took seats at the table. “Should we be keeping our voices down, or…?” Yuuri asked, looking back towards Guang Hong’s sleeping form.

“Oh, no, when he’s a sleep a tornado couldn’t wake him up,” Leo said, setting two plates of syrupy, buttered waffles down in front of them. “Whipped cream? Strawberries?”

“Yes, please!” Phichit chimed.

While Leo was rummaging in the fridge, Yuuri started cutting into the waffle just to give himself something to do with his hands. “So, uh… we actually came here to ask you for a little advice about… acting.”

“Me?” Leo laughed, flattered. “I’m not a professional by any means, but what exactly is it you need to know?”

“How to do it,” Yuuri said frankly, “and how to do it in front of people.”

Leo blinked, handing over the strawberries and whipped cream to Phichit who took it gratefully and immediately started making his breakfast all the more decadent. “You want to act in a show, Yuuri?”

“I’m… supposed to, actually, if I accept the part,” Yuuri said. It was a miracle he hadn’t stared holes into his breakfast so far. “I’ve never acted before. I got the role just from my singing.”

“I didn’t know you could sing.”

“He’s amazing!” Phichit said around a mouthful of food. “Like his singing is as good as your waffles.”

“Well, hell, I wish we’d known that last year,” Leo laughed. “Honestly, great male performers can be hard to find sometimes, and since we did _Damn Yankees_ last year, we could have used some more singers. Why don’t you just take an acting class though?”

“I told the director I’d give him an answer in a couple of days,” Yuuri said, making very sure not to name any names. “He really wants me for the part for some reason.”

“Well,” he said, leaning his hip against the counter, arms crossed over his chest, “really the best thing you can do is really hone in on your emotions. When you get a script, start reading it as soon as you do and keep reading it until you memorize it, but don’t just stop there. Take notes. Figure out what your motivation is for each scene, each conversation, stuff like that. You aren’t _you_ , you know? You’re _them_ , the character you’re playing. What I do is I buy a notebook and I create a backstory for my character, filling in any gaps I don’t have from the script. It’s easier to put the character on that way. Still, you should consider acting classes. There’s some things you just have to learn.”

“Do you think I should turn down the part?”

“I mean, that largely depends on what _you_ want, Yuuri.”

Yuuri grimaced, cutting another piece of his uneaten waffle. “I still don’t know what I want. I have horrible stage fright, but if I ever wanna get over it then maybe I should do it. I want to… I want to sing on stage, but I don’t think that I can. Do you ever get freaked out in front of a crowd?”

“Mm… not really.” Yuuri groaned, so Leo amended, “I mean, yeah, everyone gets nervous but when you’re up on stage you really can’t see the crowd beyond the lights anyway. Besides, if you’re focused on the scene, you’re really not focusing on the crowd… and since you’re playing a character, all you have to do sometimes is just say ‘well, this character isn’t afraid to be in front of people’ and then just act that out. I don’t know. It’s kind of your own thing. There’s no one way to do it. You’ve just gotta find a way that works for you.”

“That… sounds hard…” Yuuri said.

“Yeah, well, nothing worth doing is easy.” He smiled brightly. “It sounds to me like this is something you’d like to try though. Otherwise you wouldn’t even be asking. Just make sure that if you do decide to do it, commit to it one hundred percent. A company of actors rely on each other. They’re like a family. You’ll see that if you take the role.”

Yuuri took that moment to take a bite of his food so that he wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. “Oh, my _God_ , this is so good,” he said, eyes widening. “You should sell these. This is breakfast nirvana. How did you manage this after getting home so late?”

“I haven’t slept!”

“Oh.”

Guang Hong snuffled, turned over, and buried his face into the other pillow on the bed, unperturbed.

Phichit took a picture of his half-eaten waffles on his phone and posted it to Instagram, typing _#collegelife_.

“So?” Leo queried.

Yuuri jolted, looking back at him, “So, what?”

“What’s the role? Maybe I can help you build the character some.”

“Oh, well, I uh… I haven’t actually read the script yet, but V-- the _director_ told me it was about a man trying to get up the nerve to confront his absent father.”

“That alone gives you a ton to work with. There’s got to be all sorts of emotions to put to all of that. Why don’t you ask the director for a script, read it over, and decide from there? You can even bring it here and we’ll all help you with it, Yuuri. Make a night of it, maybe play some video games too.”

“You… really wanna help me?”

“Of course! Phichit’s always talking about how great and helpful you are, so we should return the favor, right?”

“Y-yeah…”

He just wished he could explain that getting a copy of the script would require contacting Viktor again, and he was worried about getting his hopes up. It was still settling in that _Viktor Nikiforov_ was _excited_ about _him_ as it was. Wasn’t that supposed to be the other way around? Yuuri felt like he was standing on the edge of a great cliff, staring down into the darkness below, not sure what he would find at the bottom. Jumping in could be a huge mistake. Even scaling the side of the cliff down could be a huge mistake… Yuuri Katsuki with severe stage fright and no acting experience, the _lead_ in Viktor Nikiforov’s Broadway directing debut? _That_ Yuuri Katsuki not only performing the play but winning a _Tony_?

As if.

...but he’d still get the script. Once he got up the nerve, that was.


	6. Chapter 6

**Six.**

Near the end of breakfast, Guang Hong had finally risen from his seemingly eternal slumber, and he, Leo, and Phichit had started talking plans for the rest of the day since they didn’t have to go to class. They seemed intent on going out and doing something, but all Yuuri wanted to do was go back to his room and think about what he should do.

Well, he knew what he _should_ do.

He slipped outside unnoticed while the other three boys argued over whether they should see a movie (Leo) or go to an art gallery (Phichit) or go ice skating (Guang Hong). Yuuri was grateful for the relative quiet outside in the hallway because it made it easier to pull up Viktor’s number in his phone. He almost called, but then he changed his mind because he’d told Viktor he’d call him when he made a decision…

Plus, texting made him sound so much less like an idiot.

_Hey it’s Yuuri. I just wanted to know if I could look at the script for the show before I make a decision_

He swallowed thickly and sent it off. Viktor was probably busy or even still asleep. There was no way he’d respond back to him this early in the morn--

**Of course!!**

Well, nevermind then.

_Ok cool should I just come by and pick it up or??_

**Do u kno where Pushcart Coffee is? Its on w 25th （*＾ワ＾*）**

_I can probably find it_

Yuuri’s very nearly dropped his phone at the response he received.

**I will b waiting 4 u there (^_~)**

He wasn’t sure if he needed to throw himself into traffic or just take an ice cold shower. Maybe the shower and _then_ traffic.

Viktor had already decided they would meet there though, so he didn’t really have much of a choice, now did he? He didn’t even give a time, so Yuuri was sure he must have been headed there now.

“Ugh, he’s gonna give me palpitations,” Yuuri mumbled and let himself back into Leo’s apartment.

“Yuuri, do you want to go ice skating with us?” Phichit said gleefully. “I bet you’d be good at it! All these years in New York and we’ve never gone!”

“Uh, actually, I gotta head out and take care of some things so… maybe I can catch up with you guys later?”

“Where are you going?” Guang Hong asked around a yawn. Leo handed him a cup of coffee that he’d just finished brewing.

“Just uh… gonna go pick up the script. It shouldn’t take long. I’ll text you when I’m done, Phichit.”

“Take your _time_ ,” Phichit said, grinning in a devious way that made Yuuri’s heart skip a beat because what the fuck did he mean by that?

Viktor really _was_ giving him palpitations.

“I’ll text you!” he said again, his voice about an octave higher, and he promptly showed himself out.

Yuuri ran down the steps of the building rather than take the elevator since a)the apartment was only a few floors up, and b)what else was he supposed to do with all of this restless energy? He did at least slow down some once he got out on the sidewalk, but he still didn’t move at a leisurely pace.To get his head to quiet down, he put in his earphones and blasted his music. Like always, it seemed to relax him some, so that when he got on the E train, he didn’t feel like he was going to claw himself out of his own skin. It was thankfully not crowded for once either, so he was able to find a seat.

He looked down at his phone again, marveling at the juxtaposition of Viktor’s singing in his ears with the cute texts in his messenger. _He’s not at all like I expected_ , he realized. Viktor had seemed so suave and cool in all of his interviews, a serious artist in all of his shows. He’d been a silver god, unattainable by mere peons like Yuuri himself, there for worship and praise but not for companionship. He’d always heard the phrase ‘don’t meet your idols’ because those meetings almost always ended up disappointing, but his meeting with Viktor wasn’t disappointing at all. It was just… bizarre. Sure, Yuuri was still awed in his presence, but, well…

Viktor seemed _equally_ awed in Yuuri’s presence.

For some reason.

Yuuri smiled softly to himself, taking one headphone out so he could listen for his stop.

Viktor Nikiforov was so _human_ , he thought. Who would have expected that? Then again, Viktor always _was_ trying to go against expectations.

By the time he had arrived at the coffee shop it had started to snow again. Yuuri shoved his gloved hands into his pockets and looked into the large windows. He didn’t see Viktor inside anywhere, but maybe he was somewhere near the back. He imagined that he’d have to keep his presence anywhere on the downlow, considering how famous he was.

“Yuuri!”

He turned, blinking in surprise as Viktor approached, hand in the air in a wave. He had on a long, black, double-breasted coat and a red scarf, and he looked incredibly pleased. He looked incredibly beautiful too, but that was sort of his natural state, Yuuri guessed.

“I didn’t think I would make it here before you,” he said as Viktor jogged a little to catch up to him.

“I had to get ready,” Viktor supplied. “It’s so good to see you again.”

They’d only seen each other last night, but Viktor made it sound like it had been ages.

“Come on, let’s go in. You’re probably freezing.”

“It’s not so bad,” Yuuri said as he moved into the building with Viktor so close he could feel his coat brushing against his back. “We’d get snow in my hometown of Hasetsu too.”

“You should see the snow in Russia!” Viktor laughed.

Oh, God, were they actually having a casual conversation? Like they were buddies?

They settled in at a small table in the back and Viktor quickly jumped back up again to go order. He returned shortly with two cappuccinos, smiling as though he was proud of himself. “I didn’t even think to ask what you might want, but trust me on this cappuccino.”

Yuuri, who had taken off his coat, scarf, and gloves, wrapped his hands around the cup and let the warmth seep in. “I don’t usually get coffee,” he explained. “Gets me too jittery. I think I should be okay though.” The less-than-four-hours of sleep he’d gotten had dampened the jitters well enough, even if said jitters weren’t already exhausted from everything that had already happened. “Uh… thank you for meeting me like this. I imagine you’re probably really busy.”

“This is important. Even if I had been busy, I would have made time.”

Yuuri’s face felt warm, but he silently blamed it on the temperature of the shop. “I thought it might be um… good if I… I thought it might be good if I got a feel for the character, to see if I even feel like I _could_ play him, you know?”

“Of course!” Viktor said, nodding enthusiastically, and it took a minute for Yuuri to realize why. Viktor _understood_ because he’d done all this before as an actor. As if there was a role he _couldn’t_ play. “You’re so professional, Yuuri. I appreciate that.”

“I’m literally the definition of amateur,” Yuuri said, sipping at his drink. It really was delicious. He wondered if Viktor would like Leo’s waffles. Maybe he could teach Yuuri to make them, and he could make some for Viktor. “Like I said, I’ve never acted in my life, and I only ever sang in one competition… if you can even call what I did singing.”

Viktor’s eyebrows shot up curiously.

“Th-that is, I--” Yuuri said, and oh, yes there were the jitters. They must have found their second wind when they realized he was having coffee with _Viktor Nikiforov_. “Well, I totally blew it. Wrong notes, wrong words, wrong person to be in the competition. It was a disaster.” He laughed, but it felt strained. Viktor was watching him with an unreadable expression.

After a beat, he said, “Well, it happens. Surely you did better at the next one.”

Yuuri almost scoffed because when had it ever happened to Viktor? Yuuri had been following his career since the nearly the very beginning and he’d never heard about a single poor performance. It was so _effortless_ for Viktor. _Everything_ was so effortless for him.

“There was no next one,” Yuuri explained.

“You gave up?”

“Uh, well, I…”

Viktor looked so _sad_. “That’s ridiculous. One failed performance is no reason to hang up your hat.”

“How would you know?”

Yuuri didn’t mean for it to sound accusatory, but maybe it did a little bit because Viktor’s eyes widened and he was suddenly sitting up very straight.

...and then he smiled. “Yuuri,” he laughed, “do you really think I’m incapable of making a mistake?”

Yuuri was feeling very warm again. “I’ve never seen you make one… You… you nailed your first audition and you’ve been Broadway’s darling ever since.”

“Well, by that logic,” Viktor said, folding his hands carefully on the table, “you really shouldn’t be talking so negatively about yourself because it’s my understanding that _you_ nailed _your_ first audition for a show too.”

“That’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“Well, it’s… uh…”

Viktor’s grin widened. “How long were you taking lessons before you went into the competition?”

“I don’t know, uh… I think it had only been a year or so.”

“I’ve taken lessons since I was ten,” Viktor said. “I’ve been playing piano since I was five. Do you know what I came to New York to study?”

“No.”

“Writing,” he said brightly. “I never thought I’d have a career in music or theatre. I was mostly using it for extracurriculars. It was only after that audition that I started to realize my potential. I think you can do that too, Yuuri.”

All of the air rushed out of Yuuri when Viktor placed his hand on top of Yuuri’s. His mouth fell open, but no words came out.

“Sorry,” Viktor said, as if he’d just realized what he’d been doing. “I keep acting like you’ve already said yes to the role, and I came here to give you the script.” He let go of Yuuri’s hand and Yuuri pretended he didn’t notice how much colder it was there on the table by itself. Viktor started digging in the satchel he’d brought with him until he produced a three-ring binder. “I apologize it’s not very fancy yet. It’s still sort of a rough draft. I’ve got several binders like this though, so you’re welcome to take this one and study it at your leisure.”

He placed it gently down in front of Yuuri, and Yuuri stared at the front of it. Viktor had taken a silver sharpie marker and written the title of the show across the front. Yuuri couldn’t help but stare at the sloppy scrawl. Here he’d expected Viktor to have beautiful handwriting. Always unexpected.

“You’re welcome to make notes on it yourself,” Viktor said. “A pair of fresh eyes never hurts.”

Yuuri nodded, slowly opening it.

Inside was a story about a man named Henry as he got off of a plane in New York City. He sang a song about a wonderful father who loved and cherished his son, who taught him everything he knew about being a man, who was the reason #1 Dad mugs existed… or at least, he would be those things, had he been there.

But no! Henry’s father was here now, in this big, beautiful city of dreams! He was mere footsteps away instead of miles upon miles upon miles. He was here, he was here, he was here!

Henry came to his new apartment building, moving his things inside, and his neighbors were singing the chorus with him, surely in marvelous harmony. It was a glorious, brave moment for Henry as he sang of how his father was right down the hall, how his family was right down the hall. He’d lost his family back home when his mother had found him with another man, so he had nothing to lose. He could rebuild his family, rebuild his life…

...if he could just get up the nerve.

Well, damn, Yuuri could relate to _that_ part at least.

He glanced up to see Viktor watching him expectantly, almost nervously. No, but Viktor didn’t have a nervous bone in his body… did he?

“It’s a rough draft,” Viktor said again.

“I like it so far,” Yuuri said. “I’d like to hear the melody of the song.”

“You could come with me to my voice lesson today!” Viktor said, immediately brightening. All traces of nervousness, however slight, had disappeared. “I can play it for you after! You could try singing it, see how it feels on your voice.”

“You… still take lessons?”

“Of course! You don’t?”

“Well, my teacher is still in Japan…”

“You’re as good as you are without keeping up with your lessons?!”

Yuuri couldn’t help but feel flattered. “Well, I haven’t been taking lessons in years, honestly, but I still retained the knowledge.”

“You’re so amazing, Yuuri,” Viktor said.

_Oh, God, and I thought last night was romantic. Why is he so romantic?! He can’t possibly be doing this on purpose, can he?_

“Will you come with me? Perhaps you can take lessons from my teacher. You can be at your best for the show… if you decide to play the part, of course.”

Yuuri thought about how he’d told Phichit he’d catch up with them shortly, how Phichit had told him to _take his_ **_time_ ** and Yuuri had thought he was out of his mind.

Well…

“I can do that,” he said, nodding.

Not everyone got to spend the day with their idol, after all. He had the right to indulge a little bit.


	7. Chapter 7

**Seven.**

Viktor was gleeful as they left the coffee shop together, holding up a hand to hail a taxi. His excitement was a little contagious, though Yuuri thought of the two of them Yuuri should have been the one excited anyway. Viktor was a downright celebrity, and Yuuri was just a nobody.

He’d been okay with being a nobody, but Viktor making him feel like a somebody felt surprisingly good.

As they climbed into the backseat of the cab and Viktor rattled off an address, Yuuri pulled out his phone, intent to text Phichit and tell him he’d be later than expected. He never got to the messenger before Viktor said, “Is that the selfie that I sent you as your wallpaper?”

Yuuri yelped, and he was blushing so hard his glasses steamed up. “Oh, uh-- n-no! It’s--”

“It’s not even a great picture of me. It’s too dark.”

He took Yuuri’s phone from him and pulled up the camera. “Take a selfie with me!” Viktor said. “It’ll be much better!” Before Yuuri could protest, Viktor had pressed himself in close so that they were practically cheek to cheek. “Smile!” he chimed, and unlike last time with Phichit, he actually managed to. How could he _not_ smile when taking a picture with _the_ Viktor Nikiforov? He was even tempted to send it in a text back home to his friend Yuuko. She would probably die of shock.

“I thought it was a good picture,” Yuuri said, taking the phone back. Viktor had already set their new picture as Yuuri’s background.

“Who was the boy in the one you sent to me?”

“Phichit. He’s my roommate. He uh… he’s _supportive_ , to say the least.”

“So, he isn’t your boyfriend?”

“Wh-what? No!”

Yuuri was sure he imagined the sparkle in Viktor’s eyes. “You don’t have a problem with kissing a boy, do you?”

“I… n-no…” _Oh, my God, is he going to kiss me?!_

“That’s good, since the love interest in the play is a male.”

_Oh._

“Oh, I-- no, I… I haven’t kissed anyone before though, so…”

“What? Really?”

“I guess I’m just waiting for the right person?” Being generally unappealing and awkward around other people tended to help with that, he thought.

“I think that’s so romantic,” Viktor said, and he sounded like he was being completely honest too. “If it helps, any kissing done on the stage doesn’t count because it’s acting.”

“O-okay…” Yuuri wasn’t so sure about that, but he just agreed to quiet down the conversation about kissing. It felt… weird… to be talking about such a thing with Viktor. From there he just opened the script while Viktor pulled music out of his bag to look over for his lesson. Yuuri couldn’t help but peek at what he was studying because honestly it was just so shocking that Viktor still even _had_ to study anything.

Though, Celestino _had_ said that singing wasn’t something you ever finished learning.

“You’re learning an aria?” Yuuri asked.

“Oh, yes. Yakov says that you’ll never have a lasting career in music if you don’t learn how to sing properly, and arias, art songs… that’s where you can best practice technique. Did you learn any when you were training?”

“Of course. Celestino wouldn’t let me learn a Broadway piece until I learned a classical one.”

Viktor smiled warmly. “No wonder you’re so good.” Before Yuuri could stammer out some sort of response, Viktor extended the music book over so that Yuuri could see. “We’ve only been working on this piece for a couple of weeks. Yakov has been jumping down my throat about not practicing enough, but I’ve just been so focused on the music for _Complex_. After you left last night, Christophe came over and we worked on it the rest of the night. It’s just about completed!”

Yuuri really didn’t know how Viktor could possibly handle all of these things at once without falling apart, but then again _he_ didn’t suffer from the same crippling anxiety. “You just never slow down for a minute,” Yuuri marveled.

“No… no, I don’t,” Viktor said, and he was smiling, but it pulled at the edges a little. “Not so far anyway.”

Yuuri looked back to the music, reading off the title. “Stammi Vicino, Non Te Ne Andare.”

“It’s a lovely piece,” Viktor said. “I can get you a copy of the music to take with you for your book.”

“I don’t even have a book right now,” Yuuri said, “but I guess I could start a new one.”

“I’ve got dozens of sheet music books on my shelves back at my apartment. You’re welcome to peruse them all!”

Was Viktor seriously inviting him back to his apartment again? He was acting like they had been friends for years. If Yuuri had been told even a month ago that he’d be conversing with his literal _idol_ like it was nothing, he would have laughed in their faces. It was just that the reality of Viktor compared with the image of him was so different, so… genuine. Sure, he was a little _excitable_ , but he was sincere, and there was just something about him that made Yuuri feel at ease. Well, no, not _at ease_ but at least… more confident. He didn’t feel like he could take on the world yet, but maybe if he stuck around Viktor long enough, he could get pretty close.

They started talking about the various pieces they had learned throughout the years. Yuuri was shocked by how easy the conversation was, but then, he hadn’t had a person in his life to talk about music with since… ever. Even when Yuuri had been training in his voice lessons, he didn’t really befriend Celestino’s other students. He just hadn’t ever been good at making friends. Phichit had only settled into his life due to circumstance and the boy's own determination. Phichit didn’t know much about music other than what songs he liked though. When he talked to Viktor, he could talk about song structure, about which language he preferred to sing in for his arias, about which pieces had been the biggest pain in the ass to learn.

Yuuri didn’t even realize the taxi cab was coming to a stop until Viktor pulled out a (probably very expensive) black leather wallet and paid the driver. Yuuri clambered out of the car, surprised to find them standing outside of a tall, 30’s style house. He’d almost forgotten what houses looked like, living in the heart of the city so long. “Where are we?” he asked.

“Staten Island,” Viktor said, shutting the car door behind him. “Yakov teaches from his home. He is not so big a fan of the hustle and bustle of the city.”

Viktor climbed the steps carefully, avoiding the ice patches that had built up. He didn’t even have to knock before the door was opening. Viktor started talking joyfully with him in Russian, and Yuuri wished he had taken a class or two on the language so he could sort of understand.

“Who is this?” Yakov said, looking at Yuuri suddenly, sizing him up.

“This is my friend, Yuuri Katsuki,” Viktor said. “He’s a singer too, and he might be interested in taking lessons from you.”

“One of your theatre friends, I presume?”

“Maybe in the future,” Viktor said, winking. “I’m not late am I?”

“No, you’re on time,” Yakov grumbled. Grumbling seemed to be his default state. “Come inside, both of you.”

Yakov’s house was warm and a little cluttered with shelves of music books. The baby grand in the corner had more music stacked on it, but the music stand off to the side was bare and available for Viktor’s book. Yuuri took a seat on the sofa while Viktor and Yakov spoke more in Russian to one another. Yakov kept glancing at Yuuri which made him think maybe they were talking about him, but he didn’t dare question it.

Then, Yakov sat down at the piano and started playing the scales, and Viktor started singing them to warm up. Yuuri couldn’t be expected to even think about what they were or were not saying about him when Viktor was singing. Even his warm-ups made him want to swoon. Yuuri had never gotten to hear it like this before, up close and without an audience. Yuuri was pretty sure he could listen to Viktor do warm-ups all day.

They only did them for about ten minutes or so, though, going up higher to the edge of his range and then back down to the lowest parts of his range using different vowels. Yakov would stop him occasionally and instruct him one way or another, claiming he wasn’t supporting enough. Viktor also had the tendency not to open his “e” vowel enough.

Apparently Viktor Nikiforov _was_ capable of making mistakes.

It still sounded great to Yuuri though.

They both opened up their music to start practicing the song, and Viktor gave a quick glance at Yuuri, grinning.

 _He… he’s excited for me to hear this_ , Yuuri thought with wonder.

Then Viktor started singing the aria and it was a miracle Yuuri’s thoughts didn’t fizzle out entirely.

“ _Sento una voce che piange lontano_ ,” sang Viktor, and if he had been incredible in his Broadway performances then he was downright astounding in his classical pieces in front of his teacher. “ _Anche tu, sei stato forse abbandonato?_ ”

Viktor’s technique surprisingly wasn’t flawless, but in the miniscule moments it would slip, Yakov would look up from the piano and Viktor would immediately correct himself. Yuuri wanted to just sink into the cushions of the couch and let the music wash over him, but the trained singer in him wouldn’t allow it. He watched Viktor, watched Yakov, took in their techniques, stored them away in his brain for his own usage.

“ _tammi vicino! Non te ne andare! Ho paura di perderti! Le tue mani, le tue gambe, le mie mani, le mie gambe, e i battiti del cuore, si fondono tra loro!_ ”

Viktor’s singing, as always, stirred the desire in Yuuri to sing too. When he was sitting here like this, listening to this beautiful aria, he couldn’t remember why he’d ever stopped singing. Music was where he found peace. Music was where he could express himself. Music was where beauty sat, waiting for him. Viktor was _music_.

“ _Partiano insieme, ora sonto pronto!_ ”

The song came to an end, and Yuuri very nearly felt on the brink of tears from it. He was stunned when Yakov said, “You can do better than that.”

“Sorry,” Viktor said, laughing a little. “I’ve been so focused on my own show, you know? I promise I’ll practice more.”

“Maybe you will if you say it. God knows you never do what _I_ say,” Yakov said flatly. There was a touch of fondness there though, if one were looking for it. “Should we start from the top then?”

They did, singing it again, and it was better the second time than the first. After that they moved onto another piece they had been working on for longer. For forty-five minutes Yuuri got his own private concert, and he was over the moon. He wished he’d been brave enough to record it on his phone.

When they finished, Viktor immediately turned to Yuuri again. He was sweating a little from his exertions. “Do you have time to have Yuuri sing for you too, Yakov? I think he’d make a great student.”

“Eh?!” Yuuri said, sitting up very straight. He’d forgotten all about that part.

“Yeah, sure,” Yakov said. “Come over here, sing the scales.”

Yuuri looked at Viktor as though he was insane because he _was_. How was Yuuri supposed to follow that?

Viktor just smiled at him, stepping aside so Yuuri could take up the spot in front of the music stand. “I’ll look for something for you to sing,” Viktor said.

Yuuri had no choice but to move into position, watching Viktor out of the corner of his eye while he perused the books on Yakov’s shelves. Yakov was sizing Yuuri up again, taking in his posture.

“All right,” Yakov said, playing a C-chord. “Let me take a look at your range.”

Yuuri just did his best to ignore the nerves threatening to take hold and started singing on the E-vowel. The familiarity of the scales relaxed him after a minute or two, thankfully. He just wished Yakov didn’t stare at him the whole time.

After a few minutes of going up and down the scales, Yakov hummed thoughtfully. “Well, I’ll give you one thing. You’ve got more discipline than that showboat over there. Good timbre too. Your range is really impressive.”

“That’s three things, Yakov,” Viktor said.

“Shut up, showboat.”

“Th-thank you,” Yuuri said, bowing sheepishly.

“Oh! Sing this one!” Viktor said. “Do you know this one?”

Yuuri blinked in surprise.

“Love to Me” from _Light in the Piazza_. This was…

This was the song he had butchered in the competition.

“Yes,” he said softly, “I know this one.”

“Great!” Viktor said.

“Fine, fine, whatever. Just sit down, Vitya. I’ve got another student coming in twenty minutes.”

Yuuri felt like the pressure was on to do a good job. This wasn’t just Viktor, but the man who _trained_ Viktor. His urge to freak out was rising, but then he looked at Viktor. Viktor was _beaming_ with pride, like he was so proud just to have been able to bring Yuuri here, just to be able to find a song he knew. Viktor believed in him. He just needed to believe in himself.

As much as he would have expected himself to fall apart singing for Viktor, he found it alarmingly easy. All of his nerves were still there, of course, but they’d settled in the back of his head, rather than crawling to the forefront. He could do this, and he didn’t have to keep telling it to himself.

It wasn’t even that hard of a song. This beautiful song that he had loved so many years ago.

He’d learned during his audition not to sing it like he was Viktor.

He’d learned to sing it _for_ Viktor.

“ _The day we meet, the way you lean against the wind... and do not know that you are beautiful… or that anyone is watching you… This is what I see…_ ” he sang, and he was already doing better than he had during the competition, so there was that. In fact, the song fit so effortlessly on his voice now, several years later. “ _And I notice how you hunger for surprise, and do not think you are tall enough… like you’re standing on the mountainside alone… This is what I see… Ohh…_ ”

He wondered why Viktor had picked this piece. There was no way he knew it was the song Yuuri had sung so badly. Perhaps he was trying to send him some sort of message? Maybe it was just a coincidence.

Yuuri was at the point now that he didn’t know if Viktor did anything on purpose.

“ _You’re not alone…_ ”

He looked at Viktor then, but Viktor’s expression was unreadable, focused. He was paying such close attention.

“ _Now I see as I have never seen before, since that moment in the square… when your hat is carried in the air, just so you can chase it, just so I can be there…"_

Then, a smile broke on Viktor’s face-- small, but satisfied. An _Ah,Yes_ moment. A _There You Are_ moment.

“ _This is how I know… this is what I see… This is love… to me…_ ”

The song came to an end, and Yuuri felt fluttery but… in a good way. It was a bit astounding to think of how he’d cried in the bathroom after singing this song the last time. Who would have thought the next time he sang it he’d do it so well, and he’d do it in front of Viktor?

Even Yakov was smiling when he turned back to look at him. “Such emotion,” he said, pleased. “I’m going to guess your previous teacher told you that _that_ was your asset.”

“Y-yeah, how… how did you know?”

“Because it _is_ your asset. The range doesn’t hurt though. Do you need a teacher right now?”

Yuuri’s heart started to race. He realized he was standing on that cliff again, the one where he couldn’t see the bottom. The urge to run away was present, but he didn’t act on it.

He knew what he was going to do.

“I’ll need a teacher,” Yuuri said. “I’m the lead in Viktor’s new show.”

Sometimes, you just had to jump.


	8. Chapter 8

**Eight.**

_Oh, God, did I just agree to be in Viktor’s show? I did, didn’t I?_

Yuuri hated that immediate ‘you made a mistake’ feeling that always came when doing something risky, but he wasn’t about to back out on it now. He couldn’t listen to those feelings all the time or he’d never get anywhere.

Being brave still felt a lot like being stupid though, admittedly.

“You’re going to be the lead?” Viktor said softly.

Yuuri glanced at him, the flutters in his chest making him feel lightheaded. “Yes. If the role is still open, of course.”

“Absolutely,” Viktor said, and his eyes were shining like starlight. “You’re sure?”

“I… w-well, yes, but I’ll remind you again that I’ve never acted before.”

“That’s all right! I’ll personally coach you!” Viktor looked nearly on the brink of tears he was so pleased. It made Yuuri’s decision feel a lot less foolhardy.

Then, Viktor was jumping up and wrapping his arms around Yuuri again, just like he had after the audition. The sweater he was wearing had to be cashmere or something because it was so _soft_.

“This is real adorable and all,” Yakov said flatly, “but I still have another student about to arrive so can you please get out? We’ll discuss time and payment for your lessons at a later time, Yuuri. I’m assuming Viktor already has your number.”

“I do!” Viktor chimed, already dialing a number in his phone to call a cab.

“Then I’ll be in touch,” Yakov said, shooing them out. “Vitya, work on that piece. I don’t want to see you slacking.”

Within a few minutes, they were bundled up in their coats and back outside, waiting on the cab. Viktor looked like he was doing all he could not to bounce because he was so joyous. “I didn’t think you’d agree to do the part like that,” he said at last when he could no longer contain himself. “You really surprised me.”

“Well… everyone kept telling me what a great opportunity it was. The only thing really holding me back was… my own fear, I guess… but when I sang that song just now it reminded me of how much I really do love to sing. It’s all I ever wanted to do. I just have to get over myself, and maybe I can finally be great.” He looked at the ground as he said it, not proud to admit his flaws in front of Viktor. He surely sounded so ridiculous…

Then, Viktor was putting an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him with a side hug, and when Yuuri ventured a glance up at him, his smile was soft and honest, just like it always was. “You’re already great, Yuuri,” he said. “We’re going to make sure everyone knows you’re phenomenal.”

Yuuri’s smile could have brightened the darkest of rooms. He was _great_. He was already _great_! He was already--

\--slipping on the ice on the steps.

Thankfully, Viktor caught him, hoisting him back to his feet before he could twist an ankle. “Hopefully you’ll be a little more graceful when you dance,” Viktor joked.

Oh, shit, Yuuri needed to _dance_.

Once they were in the cab, Yuuri tried to play it cool as he frantically texted Minako.

_How good of a dancer would you say I was?_

It took several minutes before the reply came in.

**What? No hello?? I haven’t heard from you in years!**

_Sorry!! It’s been kind of crazy. Well crazy doesn’t even begin to describe it. Here’s the thing. I’m supposed to be starring in a Broadway show and I’m going to need to dance so I just need some reassurance?_

**WHATTT?!!!!1 for real?! That’s AWESOME!**

_Yeah_ , Yuuri typed, but he didn’t really have time to talk up the show. Hell, he still hadn’t read more than the opening song… which Viktor was supposed to play for him and hadn’t even done _that_ yet, which was something he very much needed to ask him about too, and… Oh, jeez. Everything was suddenly moving so fast.

_Am I a good dancer or not??_

**Of course you are. You were one of my best students for the short time you were taking from me. You might wanna start practicing again though**

That didn’t inspire a lot of confidence in Yuuri, despite the compliment. He imagined he wasn’t nearly so flexible as he had been, and he thought again of the weight he’d put on in school. He’d dropped some of it when he’d started jogging in the mornings, but it still made him nervous that it wasn’t enough. What would Viktor think of him?

“You look nervous,” Viktor suddenly said.

“Oh, n-no, I’m not nervous!” He was totally nervous.

“What’s the matter?”

“I…” he sighed. “I haven’t taken a lot of dance classes. I took ballet for a little while when I was younger, but I stopped.”

“Well, that’s all right,” Viktor said. “There is some dancing in the show, but I doubt it’ll be all that intense. As long as you can follow instructions and memorize the moves, you shouldn’t have too much trouble. Besides, we can make the moves easier for you if we have to. It’s our show, so we can do whatever we want!”

 _Our_ show. He wasn’t sure why that made him feel giddy.

“And acting… You’re really going to coach me?”

“Who better than me to teach you how to perform this part? I wrote it!”

“Aren’t you going to be busy with… everything else? I mean, you’re directing, writing, helping to compose the music. You don’t want to burn yourself out.”

Viktor stared at him in confusion, as if he’d never considered that as a possibility. After a beat though, he said, “It’ll be fine. I don’t think you’re going to need as much help as you think. You already know how to emote when you sing, and it’s basically the same thing.”

Yuuri didn’t think that was true, but Viktor was the expert. “So… where do we go from here?”

“I want you to read the rest of the script,” Viktor said. “I’m going to get in touch with the rest of the cast, and in the next few weeks we’ll start rehearsing for a workshop production. Once we’ve got that ready to go, we’ll put on a few performances, gauge reaction and get some reviews, and from there we’ll do whatever necessary rewrites we need before we move to a bigger stage.”

“So we’re not starting out on Broadway?”

“Oh, no!” Viktor laughed. “I’d be horrified if we did that. What if everyone hated it? We’d have no time to fix it. This is my first show, and I want it to be perfect.”

“Seems like you’re taking a pretty big risk, casting a nobody like me in your lead, especially since I don’t have acting experience.”

“I was a nobody too when I was first cast,” Viktor said, “and you’re much better than I was when I started out. Besides, the role is perfect for you. I don’t believe there’s anyone else on earth that could play it like you could. I just… I know that.”

Yuuri swallowed hard, the urge to panic making itself known once again. He didn’t want to let Viktor down… He wasn’t sure he’d be able to forgive himself if he did. He looked down at the script sitting in his lap and reopened it, determined to get it all read today if only to have the illusion of self-control.

Viktor’s hand came down upon his shoulder, squeezed gently, then dropped.

He _wouldn’t_ let Viktor down. Not a chance in Hell.

Yuuri found himself getting to know Henry (or his character, rather) pretty quickly. After Henry arrived at his new apartment complex, singing his soaring “Father of the Year” that petered out into panic at the end when he lost his nerve, he escaped into his new apartment for safety. Immediately, there was a knock on the door, and behind that door was a young man named Peter.

Peter was pushy and excitable, impulsive and delighted. He reminded Yuuri a lot of Viktor as he burst into Henry’s apartment without _quite_ being invited, singing a song with Henry called “Hey, Neighbor.” Apparently Peter lived just below and couldn’t wait to see who had moved in. His last upstairs neighbor had the loudest footsteps known to man and made Peter’s apartment smell like weed. Henry just tried to get a word in edgewise while Peter talked, talked, _talked_ (or sang, sang, _sang_ technically). Peter’s character was _funny_ , and Yuuri couldn’t stop smiling when he read the part. At the end of the song Peter presented a beautiful pie that he’d made himself and left with a welcoming call and Henry wondering what had just happened.

According to the character list at the front of the script, Peter was a baker trying to get the money together to open his own bakery, and he had a bit of a bad habit of supplying everyone in his near vicinity with pies and cakes and muffins and the like. Yuuri was surprised when he realized Peter was also the love interest in the play.

“Who’s playing Peter?” Yuuri asked, looking up from the script. He realized he had no idea where they were once again, the cab sitting in traffic on a bridge. “Is it you?”

Viktor looked up from his phone and for just a second Yuuri thought he saw heat in Viktor’s cheeks. It must have been the temperature in the taxi. “Oh, no, I’m not playing any of the roles. I really might overwhelm myself if I add performing to the list of things I’m already doing. That being said, I could fill in for any part during rehearsals if needed. Why?”

“He reminds me of you,” Yuuri said bluntly.

“I hope that’s a compliment.”

Yuuri smiled. “So far,” he said, “it is. Where are we going, anyway?”

“Back to my apartment. I thought I could play you some of the songs from the show. Christophe is bringing over the music, so you’ll get to meet him too. He has a key, so he’ll probably be waiting when we get there.”

Yuuri didn’t know why that… _stung_.

Why should it matter to him if Christophe had a key? Viktor and he were working together, right? Even if it was more than that, what did _that_ matter?

Of course, there was _no way_ they were a _couple_. Yuuri absolutely would have heard about that in the Broadway gossip blogs. There wasn’t a person Viktor dated that Yuuri didn’t know about. Of course, Viktor had never actually _dated_ anyone during his career as far as Yuuri knew, so maybe he was just really good at being secretive about it. Of course, even if he _was_ in a relationship with this Christophe person it didn’t _matter_ because it’s not like--

\--not like…

Wait, no, seriously, why was this upsetting?

“How long have you known Christophe?” Yuuri asked vaguely.

“A long time,” Viktor said. “Years, really. He was the composer on the first original show I performed in. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him. He’s actually younger than me, and he was already a _composer._  I was admittedly a little starstruck, even if it was a small show. He’s quite the musical genius. He can play so many instruments it makes my head spin.”

“So you’re… good friends?” That was a little less vague.

Viktor nodded. “He’s been a great help to me through the years, but especially now with this show. He hated the melodies I had come up with and really refined them into some great pieces for _Complex_. I already promised him the show wouldn’t fail. He’s composed a lot of small shows, but with my name on it, we really could make it to the big time, so this is his chance.”

“It sounds like this show means a lot to both of you.”

“Yes, well… I hope it’ll mean a lot to you too,” he said. “I’ve asked a lot of my personal friends that I’ve gained throughout the years to play these parts. I wanted all of these people I’ve met to be a part of it.”

Yuuri’s head tilted curiously. He wasn’t sure why it meant so much to Viktor to have his friends in the show… but then, why wouldn’t he? He already knew they were reliable, good actors… Though, that didn’t explain the casting of himself, now did it?

He didn’t ask. He didn’t have the nerve.

“So,” he said instead, “I don’t know if I can afford to be Yakov’s student, honestly. I don’t really have a job. My parents send me money from home, but it’s mostly just to live off of so I don’t have to work and distract from my studies…”

“Don’t worry, I’m paying for your lessons right now,” Viktor said lightly. “You can pay me back when you get your first big check.”

“I’m assuming that includes the lessons you’re going to give me about acting?”

Viktor laughed. “Of course!”

 _Figures_ , Yuuri thought flatly. “Okay, well, I’ll uh… I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Speaking of Yakov,” Viktor said, leaning his cheek on his fist, staring out the window as the car moved forward through a green light, “that song you sang for him today…”

_Oh, shit… maybe I didn’t sing it as good as I thought I did._

“You’ve sung it before, haven’t you?”

“I-- y-yes, back when I was training, but I haven’t sung it in years.”

“It was a beautiful performance,” Viktor said softly. “It’s probably the best I’ve ever heard that song sung.”

Yuuri blushed. There was no denying that. “I probably could have done it better.”

“You’ll have to sing it for me again sometime then, hm?” Viktor said.

“Why did you… why did you pick that one, anyway?”

“I just really like that song!” Viktor said, but there was enough silence between the question and the answer that Yuuri again wondered if there was something deliberate about the choice.

VIktor started humming the song then, and Yuuri could do nothing but sit back, close his eyes, and enjoy the sound.

Maybe he really did just like the song. Yuuri had always liked the song himself.

He thought he might like it even more now though…

...but he kept that thought to himself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Nine.**

Makkachin bowled Yuuri over as soon as he stepped over the threshold of Viktor’s apartment, leaving Viktor to uselessly scold him once again.

“He doesn’t do that with anyone else,” Viktor said as he tugged the dog off of Yuuri. “He must really like you.”

Yuuri adjusted his glasses, grateful the slobber had missed the lenses. “I have that effect on dogs.”

“I can imagine,” Viktor said, but before Yuuri could question what he meant by that, he was distracted by the piano music coming from further in the apartment. He got to his feet, tugged off his shoes and followed both the music and Viktor into the living room.

At the piano sat a man. His hair was brown, but it had been bleached blond on top, and he had quite possibly the longest eyelashes Yuuri had ever seen. His delicate fingers danced along the keys, playing a complicated number with so much ease it was a wonder he wasn’t falling asleep… Oh, but no, _no_ , he wasn’t falling asleep at all. In fact, despite how casually his hands moved, his dark green eyes, framed by perfectly round spectacles, were so focused he hadn’t even noticed that they had arrived. Yuuri could do nothing but watch in awe, looking from the man playing to the sheet music he was playing from, all of it handwritten.

Well, Viktor _had_ said that Christophe was a musical genius.

He’d said he was young too, but he hadn’t said he was handsome, and Yuuri felt something nervous coil in his stomach over that fact. The flush on Christophe’s cheeks was either from the exertion of playing or that he was really _feeling_ the music, and Yuuri didn’t know if he wanted to know which it was.

The song came to an end and Christophe’s hands hovered over the keys for a few seconds before he realized he was being watched. “Took you long enough,” he said, looking up to smile at Viktor only for it to fall a tad when he saw Yuuri. “Who is this? You’re not replacing me, are you?”

“This is Yuuri, the one I told you about.”

“Oh, the one you changed all of the keys in the score for,” he said flatly. Viktor very pointedly didn’t look at Yuuri, and his smile was full of guilt.

“So, you’re him, hm?” Christophe said after a beat, drawing Yuuri’s attention back.

“I’m… me,” Yuuri said hesitantly. He didn’t know if Christophe was impressed or disappointed.

Christophe hummed thoughtfully, rubbing the scruff on his chin. “Pretty handsome,” he said after a moment. “Not really the ideal height for a Broadway lead. What are you, 5’8”?”

“That’s only three inches shorter than me,” Viktor said. “It’s all about the personality and the voice. He’ll seem much bigger to you when he sings, trust me.”

“Right,” Christophe said, then got to his feet. He was definitely taller than the both of them, though only a little taller than Viktor. It made Yuuri want to straighten his back out and stretch his neck and definitely made him regret taking off his shoes even if they only added to his height just slightly. “Christophe Giacometti. I make Viktor’s lyrics sing.” He held out a hand to shake.

“Yuuri Katsuki,” Yuuri said, accepting the handshake. “Hopefully I’ll uh… I’ll make Viktor’s lyrics sing too.”

Christophe’s slightly bored, intimidating expression lightened almost instantly, and he smiled. “Hopefully so. You’ve driven dear Viktor to near madness.”

Yuuri spluttered something that sounded like a reply except it didn’t have actual words.

“Oh, _yes_ ,” Christophe moaned in a longsuffering manner. “Calling me up in the middle of the night just to come over and change the entire key of all the songs Henry sings, just because he knew that _your_ voice would sit better a little higher.” He grinned at Viktor, eyes mischievous. Yuuri’s heart fell to his knees. “Viktor is very _particular_.”

“I know what’s going to sound good,” Viktor said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You _didn’t_ know he was going to accept the part.”

“I knew he would after he gave it some thought. He’s here now, not even a whole day later!”

“It still could have waited until after he said yes,” Christophe said, sitting back down at the piano. “Whatever. We got it done, didn’t we? I didn’t get _any sleep_ , but we got it done.” He winked.

“No one can do it like you can, Chris,” Viktor said, smiling.

 _They’re totally sleeping together_ , Yuuri decided, feeling mildly horrified.

Christophe adjusted his glasses, flipping back some pages in his music book. Yuuri noticed now how thick it was. It was surely all of the songs for the musical.

“All right,” he said. “Stand over here next to me. Can you sight read at all?”

Yuuri nodded, scooting uncomfortably closer to Christophe’s bench, looking over his shoulder at the music. The lyrics appeared to be the opening number, “Father of the Year.”

“So sing it,” Christophe said. “Let’s see how well Viktor’s key-change sits in your voice.”

Any of the comfort and confidence Yuuri had felt at Yakov’s had drained out of him, and he was certain, absolutely _certain_ that he was about to royally screw this up. He looked towards Viktor, and…

Viktor was looking right back at him.

It was like Yuuri was the only person in the room, like Christophe didn’t exist or Viktor didn’t give a damn if he did. He didn’t even shift his gaze away when Christophe started to play the intro to the song.

 _Maybe they’re not sleeping together_ , Yuuri thought, and that idea made him feel lighter, almost to the point that he felt he could float out of the room.

He didn’t know why.

He decided not to focus on that and instead focus on the song, following Christophe’s neat handwriting as he sang the words and the notes on the page. He’d forgotten how good he was a sight reading. The song flowed out of him almost effortlessly, and he couldn’t help but think that _yes_ , this really was in the absolute _best_ part of his range. It was like the song was written just for him.

...though, from what Christophe had implied, in a way it sort of _was_.

Christophe was actually looking at Yuuri rather than music, his eyes widening as he listened. Yuuri tried not to look at him or at Viktor and just focus on the task at hand. He was terrified he might lose his spot and royally fuck it up otherwise.

Near the end of the song he was reaching the higher parts of his range, and he was grateful he’d warmed up with Yakov otherwise he knew he’d never have been able to hit the notes. At that moment though they soared freely from his lips, and… well…

Yuuri felt… pretty fucking awesome.

 _I’m a Broadway star_ , he thought wildly. _I’m going to win Viktor a Tony!_

The song came to an end and Viktor applauded. Yuuri wondered if he should take a bow but ultimately didn’t.

“Well, Viktor, what can I say?” Christophe sighed. “When you’re right, you’re right. He’s really something.”

“You think so?” Yuuri couldn’t help but ask.

Christophe lifted his glasses and settled them on top of his head. “Vocally you’ve got the chops for the part, hands down. It’s kind of crazy to believe you haven’t been well known around here before. What was your last role?”

“I haven’t had a previous role,” Yuuri said. “I’m an English student at NYU.”

Christophe’s easy smile dropped and his head whirled back towards Viktor. “You said this show was going to get us a Tony, and you’re casting a nobody with no acting credits to his name?!”

Yuuri’s shoulders sank a little. To think just a few months ago he was happy to be a nobody. Now it sort of made him feel… sad…

“It’s exciting, isn’t it?” Viktor said, unfazed. “Yuuri’s going to surprise _everyone_! We’re so lucky! We get him all to ourselves.” He looked at Yuuri then, winking. Yuuri was pretty sure his heart stopped for a second.

“You’ve at least acted in local productions, right?” Christophe asked, and Yuuri could feel Viktor’s eyes boring into him.

“Yes,” he lied, and he sensed rather than heard Viktor let out the breath he’d been holding. “Viktor is going to personally train me so that my acting is topnotch for the production.”

“Are you going to drop out of school?”

Of all the questions Yuuri expected to be asked, that wasn’t one of them. “I… hadn’t planned on it.”

“You realize how much work this is going to be, right?” Christophe paused, but when he didn’t get a response, he sighed, turning a bit more on the piano bench so he could look at Yuuri more directly. “If you want to keep striving for that degree, I’m not going to stop you. It’s admirable really. It’s going to be really hard though. You’re going to be rehearsing a _lot_. Rehearsals can go up to eight hours. There will be dancing, memorizing lines, songs… We’ll be rehearsing for maybe two months, and then the show goes on in the workshop. Even if it does well, we’ll have to do some rewrites, and then we’ll have to rehearse again as we adapt the show for a bigger stage. Then the show goes on. If you think you can handle a full-time school schedule on top of all of that along with acting lessons from Viktor, then be my guest, but you’ll probably die before you make it to showtime.”

 _Shit_.

How had he not thought of that?

As soon as winter break had started school had disappeared to the back of his mind.

He supposed he _could_ take a semester off… but what if the show didn’t go well? Where would that leave him? How would he explain it to his parents?!

“You would of course be paid,” Viktor interrupted the string of panicked thoughts.. “We’re not asking you to only volunteer your time.”

Yuuri swallowed around the knot in his throat. The look on his face must not have inspired much confidence.

“Viktor, just play the part yourself,” Christophe said. “You already know it backwards and forwards as it is, and having your name as the star will really get us the attention we need. Let the kid finish his schooling.”

Yuuri’s breath quickened, and his hands were shaking. No, this couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be the end of it. He’d just gotten here.

_All I want to do is sing._

_All I want…_

“I can-- I can take time off of school,” Yuuri said.

“Are you sure?” Viktor asked, brows knitting together.

Yuuri felt like his heart was going to beat right out of his chest, and there was a somewhat familiar taste of bile in the back of his throat. His head was doing the thing again, the thing where it started screaming _YOU’RE AN IDIOT AND THIS IS A MISTAKE_. How could he possibly jump in with both feet for such a gamble? No-- no, it wasn’t a gamble because this show was headed by _Viktor Nikiforov_ and there was no doubt that it would be a success-- _NOT WITH ME AS THE LEAD THOUGH ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND--_ there was no doubt it would be a success and then Yuuri would get to do what he’d actually want. All he wanted to do was sing. All he wanted was to sing. All he wanted…

_Where are you gonna live?_

All he wanted…

_Your parents are going to be so disappointed._

All he wanted…

_Do you honestly think you can do this?_

“I’m sure,” he said, voice wobbling. He didn’t sound as sure as his words did, but at least he’d said it. “I’ll just need to uh… talk to my folks about it… but… if I do this, you’re going to have to promise me, Viktor. This show’s got to be a huge success.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Christophe said, promptly smacking him on the rear. “He already promised me that, and Viktor never goes back on a promise!”

Yuuri’s face turned red at the physical contact, but he couldn’t comment on it now because Viktor looked both delighted and relieved.

“Well, I guess he does go back on promises sometimes,” Christophe amended, “when he forgets he made them. I don’t think he’ll forget this one though.”

Yuuri laughed, though it was a little hysterical. “I’m taking a big risk here…”

“You’re going to be fine!” Viktor said, wrapping his arms around Yuuri and nuzzling his face in his hair. “You’re our star! You’re going to shine!”

“And we’re going to help you get there,” Christophe said, hitting a chord on the keyboard. “So let’s learn some songs.”

\--

Yuuri sang until his throat burned and his body ached, but at least his head was quiet by the time the sun was setting. He sang the songs until the words were swimming in his head and clogging up all of the spaces where his intrusive thoughts liked to occupy. Yuuri sprawled over Viktor’s couch when he was finally too tired to keep singing, face planted in a throw pillow.

“I hope you get better stamina than that soon,” Christophe laughed.

“I barely slept four hours last night,” Yuuri said, voice muffled in the pillow.

“ _Ah_ ,” Christophe said. “It was _that_ kind of night, was it?”

Yuuri lifted his head, frowning. “Not like that. I just had a lot to think about.”

“What a shame. You could have spent your night having so much fun. Who’s hungry?”

“Call in some delivery,” Viktor said. “I’ll pay for it. You pick the place.”

“Sure,” Christophe said with only a moment’s hesitation. Yuuri didn’t realize what they’d been silently communicating to each other until Christophe stepped out of the apartment in the hallway and left Yuuri and Viktor alone together.

Viktor sauntered over to the sofa, hand casually sliding over Yuuri’s hair. “You seemed a bit overwhelmed there for a while.”

“I’m… it’s… it’s fine,” Yuuri mumbled, embarrassed. God, of course Viktor had noticed. Of _course_ he hadn’t been able to hide his anxiety. Shit, fuck, this was a nightmare…

Viktor smiled slightly and then sank down next to him. “It’s okay to admit when you’re overwhelmed.” The words seemed to taste a bit awkward on his tongue, like he wasn’t used to giving advice. “It’s been a big day for you with a lot of big decisions.”

“I’m avoiding calling my parents,” Yuuri said, dropping his face back into the pillow.

“I can call them,” Viktor offered.

“As tempting as that is, I think it might be better if I do it myself,” Yuuri said, rolling onto his back. “Were your parents supportive of your career?”

Viktor’s expression shifted then but only briefly, and if Yuuri had blinked he might have missed it.

_Sadness…_

“Oh, yes! Of course!” Viktor said after just long enough silence to not be completely convincing. “Yours will be too, Yuuri, I’m sure of it.”

“Thank you, Viktor,” Yuuri said. “Thank you for… this amazing opportunity. I hope I won’t let you down.”

“You absolutely won’t.”

Yuuri wanted to ask about his parents, but he didn’t want to overstep his boundaries.

Some things weren't meant to be asked.


	10. Chapter 10

**Ten.**

Yuuri excused himself to go to the restroom halfway through dinner with Viktor and Christophe. They were talking animatedly about the show, arguing some points, agreeing with others. Yuuri didn’t think they’d miss him for a few minutes so it seemed like the perfect opportunity.

The bathroom really _was_ bigger than his dorm room, he thought, though it may have just been the open space of it. The glass shower and the clawfoot tub, the double sink… it was as beautiful as the rest of the apartment. It made him want to take a long soak and pretend he was back in Hasetsu in the hot springs. No bathtub compared to the springs back home.

He didn’t need to get homesick right now, especially considering he was about to make a call there. It was morning in Japan, so he figured now was the best time.

He just needed to get up the nerve to press the call button.

What would they say? Surely they would be upset. They had already spent so much money to help send him to New York. Even with his scholarships it had still cost them a pretty penny. He’d already let them down all those years ago after they paid for so many voice lessons only for him to quit when it got tough, all those dance lessons only for him to _quit_ when he lost confidence. Now he was going to quit on his degree…

No, no, he was going to _stall_ his degree, take some time off and then go back and finish. Maybe that would soften the blow?

_Oh, God…_

He sat down on the toilet lid, staring at his phone screen where his mother’s picture was smiling and holding a pork cutlet bowl.

What if they didn’t forgive him?

What if this was one step too far?

He wanted to make them proud, but apparently Yuuri Katsuki had trouble committing to anything. His whole life was a series of failures. Why was he even doing this show? There was no way they were going to succeed with _him_ at the helm--

 _Stop_ , he told himself. He needed to stop digging himself deeper or he’d just wallow and never make the call. He _could_ commit. He already had.

He pressed the call button.

“Hello?” his mother said in Japanese. Even hearing his native language made his heart clench.

“Hey, mom,” he said, hoping his voice didn’t waver too much.

“Yuuri! How good to hear from you!”

“Yeah… sorry, I haven’t kept in touch as much as I should. It’s been kind of crazy here. Um… do you have some time? I need to talk to you about something… something kind of important.”

“Of course, Yuuri,” she said, and she sounded worried. He supposed she had a right to. “What’s going on?”

Yuuri took a deep breath and tried to keep the words from rushing out of him. “I met someone--”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!”

Okay, maybe he should have worded that a bit differently…

“No, not… not like that,” Yuuri said, blushing. “I met someone who… wants me to be in a show. A play. He’s a director.”

The urge to say _he’s Viktor-fucking-Nikiforov_ was rising, but he refrained.

“Oh? How interesting!”

“Uh… y-yeah. He… well, he heard me singing by chance, and he wants me to be the star, and it’s… it’s actually a really big deal. The director’s got some connections…” Understatement of the year. “He could even move this show _to_ the Broadway stage. It’s an actual professional show where I’d get paid and everything.”

His heart was beating fast again.

“That sounds wonderful, Yuuri. I had no idea you were singing again, or that you had an interest in acting. I bet you’ll be fantastic!”

“I…” The words clogged in his throat, but he forced them out. “I would have to… take time off of school to do it.”

There was a beat of silence on the phone that lasted a lot longer in Yuuri’s head than it probably did in reality, so he rushed to add sound to it and fill it up. “I wouldn’t quit for good, but the rehearsal schedule is like a full-time job, and if I try to do everything all at once I don’t think I’d be able to do them both at the ability that they would require, and I know that the whole reason I’m actually in New York is to study so you’re probablygoingtobeupsetandI’msorryI’msorryI--”

His words were getting too fast, and he stopped to take a breath. It shuddered out of him, and that was when he realized the tears were falling.

“Yuuri,” his mother said gently into the other line. “Is this truly what you want? To be in this show? To act and to sing?”

He sniffed, wiping at his cheek with the heel of his hand. “Yes.”

“Then don’t apologize,” she said. “If this is what you want then you should go for it. Your father and I will support you whatever you do. We love you, Yuuri, and we want you to be happy… We always knew singing made you so happy.”

Yuuri did his best not to sob, but it never had been easy to keep his composure when his mom was saying nice things about him. He had found that to be the case for a lot of people. “You’re not mad?” he asked.

“No, of course not,” she said. “We always wanted you to keep singing. I’m sure your father and Mari will be so excited! You just have to let us know when the show premieres on the big stage so we can fly out and see it! You’ll get us tickets, right?”

Yuuri’s tears of relief were even more numerous than the fearful ones. He laughed a little, wiping uselessly at the bottom of his chin. “Of course I will! It’s going to be really good, I promise.”

“You’re in it, Yuuri. It’s going to be great. Now, stop crying, silly boy.” He could hear the fondness and warmth in her voice. He wanted to sink into it just like the hot bath.

“I’m okay now,” he said, though his voice was still a little wobbly. “Thank you, Mom.”

“Just don’t overwork yourself, and get some sleep tonight. You sound exhausted.”

“I will.”

After some small talk, they said their goodbyes, and Yuuri hung up. He sat there for several minutes after, just absorbing the silence. The call had gone far better than he’d thought it would, but it still didn’t put him completely at ease. The pressure was _really_ on now. He had a lot of people who were counting on him to do well, and he absolutely couldn’t screw this up.

 _You can do this_ , he told himself again. He’d keep telling himself until he believed it.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Yuuri,” came Viktor’s voice from the other side. “Are you all right in there?”

“I-- I’m fine!” he said. “Coming out now!"

 _Viktor Nikiforov_ believed in him. What else could he do but succeed?

\--

It was well after dark by the time he got back to the dorm. As he climbed the steps, he wondered who would be Phichit’s roommate when the next semester started. Where would Yuuri go? Maybe he and Phichit really should get an apartment, he thought. With his income from the show on top of the money from his parents, maybe they could afford a small one like Leo and Guang Hong. Sure, they’d likely have to share a bed like they did too, but…

Well, to be fair, Yuuri wasn’t completely convinced Leo and Guang Hong shared a bed _only_ for convenience and space.

He hoped they’d all had fun today out together…

_Oh, shit, I never even texted him!_

He hurried up the last few steps and unlocked the door, immediately apologizing, but Phichit was already grinning, excited.

“I didn’t know you’d be gone _all_ day,” he said teasingly. “What’s up? Did you and Viktor have a _good time_?”

“I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply by good time, Phichit,” Yuuri said, shutting the door slowly with his back. “I met him to go over the script.”

“ _And_?” he drew the word out, anticipating.

“I… I accepted the part.”

Phichit made that same high-pitched noise he had the night before (had it really only been a day?), arms spread above his head in celebration. “I knew you would! I knew it!”

“I mean, I… Viktor took me to his voice teacher, and apparently he’s going to give me lessons and… _Viktor himself_ wants to give me acting lessons. I even met the composer for the show and started learning the songs. I-- I had to tell my parents about it because I’m going to have to quit school… well, no, not quit, but… take a break.”

“You’re… gonna quit school?” Phichit asked, eyes widening. His smile had faded, but thankfully he didn’t look upset.

“I have to, yeah,” Yuuri explained. “The rehearsal schedule would be so heavy that I wouldn’t have time for classes. My parents support the decision, but I uh… I’m still coming to terms with it.”

“Why?” Phichit asked, as if he was insane.

“I came to America to study.”

“So? You said yourself you weren’t going to stop, just that you were going to take a break. You’re putting a hold on what you came here to do because you’re about to do what you really _want_ to do. Everyone is going to support you living the dream, Yuuri! You’re so lucky! So stop worrying about it and let’s go out and fucking celebrate!”

“Can we not?” Yuuri sighed. “I’m exhausted.”

Phichit laughed. “Come on, Yuuri, where’s that stamina you put into all your studying? You probably slept only a couple of hours a night your whole freshman year! Let’s go to the karaoke bar!”

“Tomorrow,” Yuuri said, flopping down face first onto his bed. “My emotions are worn out.”

“Okay… well, how about beer and Netflix? Think you can manage that?”

Yuuri gave him a thumbs up without lifting his head.

Phichit laughed again, ruffling Yuuri’s hair. “You’ve still got to give me the details about what all that happened.”

So, Yuuri did. As they rewatched _Stranger Things_ for the third time that year, Yuuri told Phichit the events of the day. He told him about the cappuccinos and the script, about Yakov’s place out in Staten Island and how Yuuri had sung the song he’d bombed at competition, how he’d gone back to Viktor’s apartment (“No, you’re still not going there,” he had to say) and met the composer Christophe Giacometti.  

“I think he and Viktor might be an _item_ ,” Yuuri said.

“No way,” Phichit said, looking through his phone. He’d already pulled up a Google search on Christophe. “I mean, I guess he’s pretty good looking and they’re around the same age. They’ve done a lot of shows together… but no one’s said anything about them being a couple. Oh, look, he has an Instagram!”

Yuuri peeked over Phichit’s shoulder as he scrolled through the pictures. “He is… not wearing a lot of clothes in any of these pictures,” Phichit said. “Looks like he takes a pole dancing class for fun. He does seem to hang out with Viktor a lot too. Here’s them at the bar, and here’s them ice skating at Rockefeller Center! It’s really fun, by the way, you should go with us next time. Aww, he has a kitty!”

“Yeah, but do they look like a couple?”

“Why does _that_ matter? _Hmmm_?” Phichit asked, waggling his eyebrows.

“It doesn’t!” Yuuri cried. “I just want to know if I’m imagining it!”

“Why not just ask him?”

“It’s such a personal question…”

“Has Viktor even said if he likes dudes one way or another?”

“Well… no…”

“Do _you_?”

“This isn’t about me!”

“You _do_!” Phichit exclaimed. “Do you like Viktor?! OMG, were you looking because you were _jealous_?”

“Noooo!” Yuuri whined, shaking Phichit, trying to get him to shut up. “I’m not _that_ pathetic!”

Phichit howled with laughter.

“I’m not _into_ him. I’m just starstruck!”

“Uh-huh, keep on telling yourself that, Yuuri.”

Yuuri _would_ keep telling himself that, thank you very much. He certainly wasn’t brave enough to admit to anything else.


	11. Chapter 11

**Eleven.**

Yuuri’s new life was beginning today.

After talking to his advisors and the dean at NYU, he’d taken a voluntary leave of absence. It had seemed like the best option so that all of his studying hadn’t gone to waste. He’d walked right off campus and immediately started moving his and Phichit’s things into the new apartment they’d rented. It was small and too expensive, but Phichit was determined to stay as his roommate. He seemed to think that soon enough it wouldn’t matter anyway. “Because you’re going to be famous,” he’d said with certainty. The idea of it still made Yuuri’s head spin.

It took two days to get the apartment crammed with what little they had and make it look presentable.

From there, it was time to start focusing on the show.

The show he was _starring_ in.

He still couldn’t quite believe it.

After he finished his morning jog, Yuuri changed into his old practice clothes, a leotard and leggings. Frankly, it was a succession of miracles-- first, that they weren’t moth-eaten after years in a box, and second, that they somehow fit him. It looked like he’d finally taken off that extra weight and then some. Stress did that to a person, he guessed. That, or the jogging. Or being too broke for a lot of food. Whatever.

The practice clothes were probably a little silly, he knew, but for his first acting lesson with Viktor, he wasn’t quite sure what to expect. He wanted to be prepared for anything because a prepared mind was a calm mind.

Viktor had asked him to meet at the Shetler Studio’s penthouse rehearsal space, which he had apparently rented out for _Complex_ to practice in, so Yuuri took the subway to 244 W 54th St, spending the ride reading over the script again. He’d read it maybe four or five times in the last few weeks, picking it up whenever he had the time. Phichit had been reading it too, or at least reading lines with Yuuri. Yuuri couldn’t help but feel like Phichit was a better actor than he was. He was just so _enthusiastic_ about everything… though he really couldn’t sing. At least Yuuri had that going for him.

When he entered the penthouse, he couldn’t help but be caught off guard. Sunlight lilted in through the windows and skylights, reflecting off of the laminate dance floor. Two of the walls were mirrored, and it took him back to his days in Minako’s dance studio. This place was far more luxurious than her tiny place had been though, and he imagined she would be swooning over the space had she been here with him.

Yuuri was too busy swooning over something else entirely though, because Viktor was sitting at the baby grand near the windows, playing and singing.

 _God_ , he was _singing_.

“ _Someone to hold you too close… someone to hurt you too deep… someone to sit in your chair, to ruin your sleep…_ ”

“Being Alive” from _Company_ , Yuuri’s mind supplied dumbly as he stood there, slack-jawed and staring.

“ _Someone to need you too much… Someone to know you too well… Someone to pull you up short, and put you through hell…_ ”

Yuuri had seen so many of Viktor’s performances on stage, most them online but a few live as well. Viktor had always put on a show stopping, heart stopping performance in every single one of them, but this… this was different.

“ _Someone you have to let in… Someone whose feelings you spare… Someone who, like it or not, will want you to share, a little, a lot…_ ”

This was Viktor alone. This felt…

“ _Someone to crowd you with love… Someone to force you to care… Someone to make you come through, who’ll always be there, as frightened as you, of being alive… being alive… being alive..._ “

This felt…

“ _Being alive_!”

This felt _real_.

Viktor’s hands played the chords as if he’d known them always, and his head tilted backward briefly as he looked towards the ceiling, and the sunlight fell across his silver hair, across his soft skin, across…the tears in his eyes.

“ _Somebody hold me too close. Somebody hurt me too deep. Somebody sit in my chair, and ruin my sleep, and make me aware, of being alive… being alive…_ ”

Viktor was crying.

“ _Somebody need me too much. Somebody know me too well. Somebody pull me up short, and put me through hell, and give me support for being alive… Make me alive… Make me alive! Make me confused! Mock me with praise! Let me be used! Vary my days…_ ”

Yuuri felt like he was frozen in place. Part of him wanted to go to Viktor and offer comfort, but there was a selfish part of him that didn’t want to interrupt the song. He’d probably heard just about everything that Viktor had ever sung, but standing here and listening to this, it was like the first time all over again. He hadn’t heard him sing like _this_. He wasn’t sure if anyone had.

“ _But alone… is alone… not alive! Somebody crowd me with love! Somebody force me to care! Somebody let me come through! I’ll always be there, as frightened as you, to help us survive, being alive…. Being alive… Being alive!_ ”

Viktor was out of breath when the song ended, eyes still looking up, and he looked so… _vulnerable_ …

“Viktor,” Yuuri said softly, and then Viktor was turning, looking alarmed.

“Yuuri!” he said, quickly swiping away the last of his tears and painting on a smile. “I didn’t expect you so soon! Why are you crying?”

...and Yuuri was. He _was_ crying. He couldn’t help himself.

Viktor got up from the piano, crossing the floor quickly to cup Yuuri’s face in his hands. “I’m sorry,” Yuuri blubbered. “It was just so beautiful…”

“You were quite moved, were you?” Viktor asked.

Yuuri sniffed, nodded.

“Great! Because I was acting!” Viktor chimed. “You’re going to learn how to move audiences too, just like that!”

 _Seriously? That was just a performance?_ Yuuri could hardly believe it.

“I don’t think I could ever perform like that,” Yuuri said, staring at Viktor’s damp eyelashes.

“It’s all about how you become the character, Yuuri. I think you’ll be better at it than you realize. Come on, make yourself comfortable. Do you want to do some stretching to loosen yourself up?”

“Uhh… sure…” Yuuri said slowly as Viktor promptly moved out of his space and over to the stereo where his mp3 player was hooked up, sifting through songs to find a good warm up piece. Yuuri couldn’t help but think that Viktor was being very avoidant all of a sudden.

Perhaps it wasn’t as much of an act as Viktor had said.

Either way, Yuuri stripped of his coat and the clothing he wore over his leotard and leggings. He dropped his duffel bag at his feet after he took a seat in a nearby chair, and he put on his dance shoes. When he looked back up, Viktor was smiling brightly, and all trace of sadness was gone.

“Is it just going to be the two of us?” Yuuri asked as he stood, checking himself out in the mirrors on the wall. He really hoped he didn’t look ridiculous in such tight clothes. He tugged at them self-consciously, trying to smooth the lumps and bumps.

“For now,” Viktor said. “I invited the rest of the cast to come by later today for a script reading.”

“You’ve cast all of the roles?”

“Of course! I asked a lot of my friends to play the parts. I already had them in mind when I was writing the show, and I wanted it to be for them.”

“So… I’m the only non-professional in the show…”

He was sure the other actors would just _love_ that. As if.

“Yuuri! You’re getting paid for this show! You’re a professional just like them!”

“Does a professional need acting lessons and singing lessons?”

“Of course they do,” Viktor said as uptempo pop music filled the rehearsal space. “I’ve been in theatre for years and I still take lessons. Speaking of which, you’re going to start taking lessons with Yakov tomorrow right after mine.”

Then Viktor was _shedding his clothes too_ , and _oh, thank God_ he had dance clothing underneath. “Let’s warm up our bodies together!”

Viktor of course was a flawless mover, just like he was a flawless everything else, but Yuuri didn’t feel intimidated when they were doing it side by side. They did some jumping jacks and marching in place, followed by a Charleston step. Then, Viktor started showing Yuuri some of the yoga he’d learned at his apartment. By the time they were doing some actual dance moves, Yuuri was feeling relaxed and warm. It was a little like being drunk, but (thankfully) without the clumsiness and bad decisions.

“So,” Viktor said as he turned the music off, “why don’t we try performing the opening number? I want to see not just how you’d sing it, but how you’d act it. I want to read the emotions on your face. Have you memorized it?”

“Y-yes,” Yuuri said. Christophe had recorded the tracks for all of the songs before he’d left Viktor’s apartment that night, and it had been pretty much the only thing he’d been listening to. “Um, I don’t know the choreography for it…”

“There is no choreography as of yet,” Viktor said. “Just stand and sing it like you’re in an audition, but you need to _act_ it. Your emotion when you sing comes out in your voice, but I want to see it on your face and on your body.”

Yuuri could only think of how he’d been watching Viktor sing when he’d walked in. Even though he’d been seated and accompanying himself, his whole body had been in the song in that moment. The emotion had _poured_ off of him to the point that Yuuri hadn’t been certain if it had been a performance or… legitimate sadness.

He still wasn’t totally sure.

Viktor set up his music and started to play, so Yuuri started to sing. He tried to imagine himself as Henry, recalling the notes he’d written. How would Henry move that was different from him? How would he sound? In this moment of the song, Henry was enthusiastic about the future, though he was still clinging to bitterness over his father’s absence. He wanted to believe there was a good man waiting for him in New York. Now that he’d read the whole script, he knew that poor Henry had always felt rejected by his father and grown up with his mother only for her to reject him as well when he took a male lover. Henry must have been clinging to that hope because he felt so alone. He’d moved to New York to seek out his father not just because he wanted to know him but because he had nowhere else to go.

There was a lot to put in this song, and he tried to portray it all as he sang and moved. Viktor watching him intensely, only occasionally looking away to turn a page on the sheet music. Yuuri didn’t even know why he needed it, considering he didn’t seem to be looking at it at all.

Yuuri was singing _for_ Viktor, but he tried not to focus on him much. He just needed to put his all into his _performance_ and--

Fuck-- fuck, he’d fucked up that note, and-- fuck, that-- fuck, what were the words-- fuck--

Yuuri proceeded to crumple, curling into a ball of embarrassment and apologies. “I’ll just need to start over,” he tried to explain. “Sorry, I--”

“Yuuri,” Viktor said. “Stop thinking so hard. When you get into your head, that’s when you start to make mistakes. Relax. Shake it off.”

Yuuri didn’t know how he was going to _shake it off_. So far he’d had a pretty good track record of singing in front of Viktor, and now, singing _Viktor’s original song_ , he was a disaster. As soon as he’d tried to act, which was what Viktor was _hiring him to do_ , he’d completely fucked up. The rest of the cast would be here later and Yuuri couldn’t _fucking act_.

“Yuuri,” Viktor said again more gently. Yuuri hadn’t known when he’d closed his eyes, but when he’d opened them, Viktor was standing in front of him, his hands on his shoulders. “Yuuri, look at me.”

Yuuri did, though he didn’t want to.

“Take a breath,” Viktor said. “You need to calm down. It’s just a rehearsal, okay? You don’t have to have it all figured out at once. We’re going to figure it out together, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said again, voice small. “I can do it again.”

“Yes, you can. You’ll be doing it a lot,” Viktor said, smiling easily. “You’ll sing it so many times that you’ll do it in your sleep. This is only your first attempt at it.”

“You would have done it perfectly.”

Viktor’s eyebrows shot up, but he recovered. “This isn’t about how I would or wouldn’t do it. It’s about how you’re going to do it. You were doing fine. So, let’s just do it again, all right? Be Henry. Don’t think so hard about it. Just be him.”

Yuuri swallowed, nodded. He tried to remember what Leo had said. Henry didn’t have Yuuri’s anxiety. Henry had a ton of optimism despite everything that had happened to him.

“Okay,” Yuuri said, exhaling. “Again.”

Viktor nodded, and he embraced Yuuri briefly before returning to the piano.

And so, they sang it again.

When the song was over, Yuuri looked towards Viktor, whose eyes were shining.

“It’s nice to finally meet you in person, Henry,” Viktor said. “Let’s keep going, shall we?”

 _I can do this_.


	12. Chapter 12

**Twelve.**

Yuuri wasn’t positive how much of Viktor’s advice qualified as traditional acting coaching, but everything he was suggesting resonated with him. Whenever Yuuri would start to get too far into his head, they would stop, and Viktor would have Yuuri talk to him about the scene until he identified how his character was supposed to be feeling. Once he had the answers, he didn’t have to think about them so hard. He hadn’t quite managed to slip into Henry’s skin as of yet, but he liked to think he was getting a little better at it.

Maybe he could be an actor.

Maybe he wasn’t _entirely_ foolish to take this chance.

After all, how often did someone get to train with Viktor Nikiforov one-on-one? Viktor was very attentive, though one thing Yuuri _didn’t_ understand was how much Viktor kept himself separate from Yuuri’s acting. When he would ask for an example of how Viktor would perform a scene, Viktor always refused, claiming Yuuri didn’t need to do it like he would. “If I wanted it done the way _I_ would do it, I’d just play the part myself,” he’d say.

Yuuri supposed he could understand that, but…

He did the scene again, took Viktor’s criticisms and compliments.

Better. Better, better.

Yuuri leaned his hip against the piano, watching Viktor flip through the music. Not for the first time he wondered why Viktor had picked him. How could he have been so sure that Yuuri was not only the best choice but the _only_ choice? Viktor had so many talented friends, not to mention being so talented himself. Not only was Viktor a star, but here he was writing a show all on his own, and it was wonderful.

“What made you want to write a show anyway?” Yuuri asked.

Viktor looked up. “Hm? Oh. Well… I had a story to tell, I guess. I always did like writing, which was why I went to school for it, but that passion got lost along the way. A lot of… passion got lost.” He turned away then, looking out the window at the street below. “I was just trying to find my way again. I wasn’t really sure about it, but Chris had convinced me to move forward once we tweaked the music. He was encouraging me to play the part, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted my writing to speak for itself, separate from me… and then I found you.” He smiled brightly.

Yuuri blushed. “Wh-what were you even doing at NYU? You said you were just visiting the campus, but…”

“I’d been wandering the city for hours,” Viktor admitted, laughing.”I was looking for a sign to make sure I was making the right decision. It’s a scary thing, forging a new path. Yakov was telling me to just keep performing, and I thought maybe he was right. Of course, the news had gotten out that I was working on my own production, but nothing had been confirmed yet. I could have just gone back to the stage. Who was going to want to listen to my words, you know?”

Yuuri’s brow furrowed. “Who wouldn’t want to listen to your words? You’re Viktor Nikiforov! Everybody loves you!”

Viktor’s smile stayed on, but his eyes grew darker, sadder. The look faded before Yuuri could comment on it. “Yes, well… I couldn’t surprise them anymore. I wanted to do something different.”

“So… you went wandering the city.”

“Yes,” he said. “I’d gotten so caught up in life on the stage that I’d been ignoring the life outside of it. I just wanted to really reconnect with my ‘roots’, as they say. I go back to my school, walk into the library just to look around and remember where I did all of my writing back years ago, and… there you were. Yuuri… do you believe in fate?”

“Uh… maybe,” Yuuri replied, unsure.

“I do. I believe in fate because I came into that library, and in the same nook where I used to study, where I used to sing when I was alone, there you were. You were my sign, Yuuri! My sign to go through with _Complex_! Isn’t that magnificent?” All of the light had returned to him and then some.

Yuuri didn’t get the chance to say whether or not it was as magnificent as Viktor said because in that moment they were interrupted by the door slamming open. Yuuri’s face felt hot, like they’d been interrupted during something _intimate_ , and he wasn’t totally sure why.

“Hey! Old man! You tell us to get here at ten and you’re already here fraternizing with the help?”

Yuuri felt the color drain from his face.

_That’s… Yuri Plisetsky!_

Yuuri had of course heard about him, what with them having the same first name. They couldn’t be anymore different, however. The young man with the beautiful, feminine features had the singing voice of an angel. His performance as Toby in _Sweeney Todd_ had been truly moving. Off stage, however, he’d gained a reputation for being a troublemaker. Yuuri had seen a video on Youtube of the kid getting into an actual fist fight with one of his co-stars during a rehearsal.

“Yuri! I wasn’t sure you’d arrive on time!” Viktor exclaimed. “Did you see Chris outside?”

“No, I got here first,” he said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his leopard print jacket.

“Technically, Yuuri got here first,” Viktor laughed.

“That’s what I said,” Yuri growled.

“No, no, _Yuuri_. This is Yuuri Katsuki. He’s playing Henry.”

Yuri’s eyes flashed as he looked at Yuuri, a sneer on his face. “I’ve never heard of you.”

“I’m… kind of new on the scene,”  Yuuri said sheepishly. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Tch. Whatever,” Yuri huffed. “I can’t believe you hired some newbie to play the star. Who the fuck did you hire to play Peter?”

“That’s real polite of you, Yuri! Leaving a girl outside on her own like that!” complained a redheaded girl stomping up into the room behind Yuri.

“Don’t spend all your time on your phone and you won’t get left behind!” Yuri shouted back at her.

“Hi, Mila! Thanks for coming!” Viktor said.

Yuuri recognized her instantly. She was the one who’d played Christine opposite Viktor in _Phantom_. He may have had stars in his eyes for a minute or so. Mila at least came over to shake Yuuri’s hand, smiling warmly. “So you’re the cool new guy, huh?”

“I don’t know about ‘cool’,” Yuuri said. He had to resist the urge to ask her what it was like to kiss Viktor Nikiforov… _not_ that he needed to know for specific reasons or anything. Viktor was just so good at everything, he wanted to know if he was good at that too.

That was all. Yep.

“Cool new guy?” Yuri complained. “You didn’t tell _me_ about this.”

“He didn’t tell me either. Chris told me,” Mila said. “He said he’s got an amazing voice.”

“He doesn’t look like much of a dancer,” Yuri said, shedding his jacket and tossing it over the back of a chair. “How many years have you been in theatre?”

“Uh…”

Yuuri wanted to thank God that someone else came in at that moment, a man and a woman bickering in hushed tones. The woman seemed much more annoyed than the man, and at first Yuuri thought they might have been a couple. He recognized the girl as Sara Crispino, but he didn’t know the man with her.

Viktor was suddenly standing next to him. Yuuri only knew this because his arm wrapped around his shoulder and squeezed it. “Sara and her brother, Michele,” he explained softly to Yuuri before more loudly greeting them. “I wasn’t expecting _you_ , Michele. We won’t need costumes for a while still.”

“I wanted to share my initial sketches,” Michele said.

“And he’ll be sharing them with you every day until this is over with because he can’t leave me alone for five minutes,” Sara said flatly. “ _Honestly_ , Michele.”

“I swear it was just to show the sketches!” Michele cried.

“And so you can tell all of the boys here to keep as far from me as possible!”

“Sara! I’m just looking out for you!”

“ _Please_ ,” Viktor said. “No arguing. We want good vibes in here, all right?”

The siblings promptly quieted down.

“I’ll look at the sketches in a bit, Michele, thank you for bringing them.”

The room was quickly filling with people. During Michele and Sara’s argument, another few had come in and one of them was talking under their breath with Yuri Plisetsky while another was standing near Mila unobtrusively. Right after that in sauntered Christophe in a pair of sunglasses and sipping at a decadent-looking frappuccino. At the door, none other than Jean-Jacques Leroy was kissing a girl goodbye. It looked as though she had driven him here. He had played Gaston in _Beauty and the Beast_ and frankly had done an amazing job. Yuuri and Phichit had tried to get tickets, but JJ’s fans had bought out the place every time. They’d found clips of it on Youtube instead.

“Sorry, I’m a little late,” Jean-Jacques said just a tad more loudly than strictly necessary. “My fiancée just got into town and we were having breakfast together.”

“You’re on time,” Yuri Plisetsky said. The _you motherfucker_ was very much implied.

“Hey! Plisetsky! I didn’t expect _you_ to be in this show!” Jean-Jacques laughed.

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!” Yuri shouted back.

“Gentlemen!” Viktor called out, lifting a hand. “Good vibes only, please.”

“We don’t all listen to your yoga bullshit, moron,” Yuri mumbled but he did drop it for the moment.

“This morning is starting out as joyfully as I anticipated,” Christophe said, tucking away his sunglasses in his satchel. “Everyone’s so enthusiastic. This script reading is going to be great.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure if Christophe was being sarcastic or not.

“Why don’t we go ahead and get started?” Viktor asked, pleading slightly. “Pull some chairs up. Let’s all introduce ourselves and the parts you’re playing.”

Everyone did gather around except for Michele who stood off to the side next to Christophe with his sketchbook. Yuuri felt out of place among all of the actors and actresses and the temptation was strong to just excuse himself and run very far away. Before he could do that, Viktor was ushering him to a chair, smiling so easily as if this wasn’t scary at all. Of all people, Yuuri ended up sitting between Jean-Jacques and Yuri Plisetsky… though that placement might have been on purpose to keep one from murdering the other. Yuuri very much didn’t like the idea of being a human shield.

“So?” Viktor said delightedly. “Show me you did your homework!”

“This isn’t fucking school,” Yuri grumbled.

Mila volunteered to go first. “Morning everyone! I’m Mila, and I’ll be playing Jenny.”

Jenny was Henry’s neighbor down the hall, an animal rights activist who was secretly storing more animals than the building allowed. She was so dedicated to her cause that she tended to forget the people around her, but in the play she learned to pay attention to more than just her animals.

“Otabek,” said the man next to her softly, “I play Trevor.”

Trevor lived below Henry. He was a struggling rock musician looking for his sound, was Peter’s roommate, and had the tendency to spend a lot of time in the apartment with no clothes on, getting “zen”.

“I’m Sara,” said Sara, “and I’m playing Adrianne.”

Adrianne was a librarian who lived next to Jenny and was absolutely crushing on her. She tended to have a nervous disposition and was much better at talking about books than she was about her feelings.

“I’m Georgi,” said one of the fellows Yuuri hadn’t even seen come in. He looked terribly serious about all of this. “I’ll be playing Arman.”

Arman was the landlord’s son who was constantly doing his father’s work for him. He was a sort of villain at the beginning of the musical, but he came around to the rest of the characters over time. To be fair, the neighbors did sort of make his life hell considering he wasn’t actually being paid for all the work he did.

“I’m Jean-Jacques Leroy, but you can, of course, call me JJ!” said Jean-Jacques with all of the confidence in the universe. Yuuri looked at him almost enviously, wishing he could be so carefree, even if it could be a bit on the annoying side. “I’m playing Peter.” He winked. Yuri Plisetsky scoffed. Yuuri Katsuki was… alarmed.

It wasn’t so much that he was disgusted by the idea of playing opposite JJ. It was just that now that he had a face to put with Peter’s name in the book, he was feeling a lot more panicked about being a romantic lead opposite _anyone_. How could poor, inexperienced Yuuri even begin to play it convincingly with a charismatic guy like JJ?

 _Don’t freak out_ , he told himself for probably the millionth time. _It’s going to be fine._

It was also his turn to speak, and all eyes were definitely on him. He could remember why people watching him had given him such stage fright now. He just tried not to look back at them.

“I’m Yuuri Katsuki,” he said, and his voice only squeaked a little. “I’m playing Henry.”

“All right!” JJ said, giving him a hearty smack on the back. The jolt it caused Yuuri was admittedly helpful because it made him forget to be terrified for a minute.

Yuri Plisetsky rolled his eyes and piped up before JJ could fill the world with more of his voice. “I’m playing Tyler. I’m… also Yuri.” He seemed very uncomfortable with this fact.

Tyler, to Yuuri, was the most interesting character in the show. He was actually Henry’s half-brother, who Henry met when trying to meet up with his father. Henry was no good at keeping a secret, so it didn’t take long for Tyler to figure it out, and they immediately had a tense standoff. Tyler _hated_ his father for being so emotionally absent, singing a bitter reprise of “Father of the Year,” but in that same reprise he made it very clear that he still didn’t intend to share. By the end of the show Tyler and Henry got along a lot better when they realized that the terrible one was their father and not each other. Henry never did talk to the man but ultimately he didn’t have to. He had a family in his neighbors and in his brother. The final scene was between the two brothers, where they promised to take care of each other. Yuuri had cried while reading it.

He hoped he and the other Yuri would be able to get along like that by the end of this show. Right now he wasn’t feeling so sure the boy could get along with anyone.

“Wonderful!” Viktor said delightedly. “I’m so glad you were all able to make it today. Obviously, I’m the writer and director of the show, and you all already know who I am. Some of you might know Christophe, our composer.”

“Yo,” said Christophe before taking another long sip off of his coffee.

“And Michele Crispino has graced us with his presence today. He’ll be doing our costume designs,” said Viktor.

Sara glared at Michele, and Michele just looked like a kicked puppy.

“We’re going to keep it really casual today,” Viktor said. “Just do a reading of the script to see where we all stand.” He looked at Yuuri rather than everyone else, offering a wink that made Yuuri’s heart skip a beat. “And seriously… thank you all for coming. It means a lot to have a show with such wonderful friends. Let’s make it the best show that we can.”

Sitting there amongst some of Broadway’s best, Yuuri was shocked to find the pressure wasn’t suffocating. With Viktor standing before them with enthusiasm and joy, Yuuri felt nothing but the need to please him, to make the show as good as it definitely deserved. Viktor had worked so hard, and Yuuri would be damned if he’d slow down. Phichit had admired Yuuri’s stamina when it came to studying, so he’d throw himself into this with everything he had.

The show would be good. The show would be _great_. The show would be everything Viktor wanted.

Yuuri was his star, after all. It was his time to shine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be somewhat delayed due to a busy week at work sorryyyy~ i love y'all


	13. Chapter 13

**Thirteen.**

Days were starting to blend together.

Yuuri was glad he’d dropped his classes for the semester because he was absolutely working his ass off and had no extra time for anything else. In the mornings he would get up and go jogging before showering and heading to the penthouse to rehearse. Viktor was always there when he got there, and he would personally train his acting skills before the rest of the cast arrived. On Thursdays, after rehearsal, Yuuri would ride with Viktor to their voice lessons in Staten Island. After that, they’d usually stop somewhere for dinner and then Yuuri would take the cab home to his apartment so that he could reread the script, fall into bed, and do it all over again the next day.

Had it really only been a two weeks since they’d started?

Yuuri couldn’t say it was agonizing though. Even if he was exhausted at the end of the day, he couldn’t help but be happy spending every day with his idol, and he was actually the only cast member who was mostly off-book. Sure, he’d gotten a head-start when it came to the script (and he was definitely obsessive enough to read and re-read it even when he was out of rehearsal), and he knew that his advantage would dissipate once everyone learned their lines, but he’d take what he could get.

Viktor was not taking it easy on him though, not even a little. His early morning acting classes involved Yuuri delving deep into who Henry was. “Convince me,” Viktor would say. “Make me feel this.”

Yuuri didn’t know how well he was succeeding.

It was a little bit easier when he was with the rest of the cast, if only because he could react to their dynamic a bit better. His chemistry still felt forced at times, but surely it was all in his head. Surely.

“Yuuri,” Viktor said as they waited on the cab to take them both to Yakov’s place. “I think you should spend some one-on-one time with JJ and with Yuri.”

“Eh?” Yuuri questioned. “Why?”

“I think if you get to know them, you’ll be more comfortable in your scenes with them,” he said, smiling. “That way it won’t seem so forced!”

“Oh.”

Not in his head. Shit.

“It’s not that you’re doing badly,” Viktor continued when he saw the look on Yuuri’s face. “I just think it will come more naturally to you if you’re closer to them. You act much better when you’re going over lines with me than you do with them.”

Yuuri looked at the ground, embarrassed. “Sorry… I guess I can’t help but be a little intimidated by their… large personalities.”

Man, was _that_ an understatement. JJ had fallen into the role of Peter effortlessly, and he wasn’t afraid to voice his opinion on how things should be different here or there. He had already told Viktor several times that he didn’t like the love ballad because it was too ‘flowery’ and ‘out of character’ for Peter to sing. Yuuri had admittedly felt that way too, but he hadn’t been brave enough to actually say it.

As for Yuri Plisetsky, the boy was all attitude as expected, but as soon as he started to sing the whole room would go silent. The boy’s voice was _powerful_ and _raw_ and all emotion. Yuri’s stage presence demanded attention, and Yuuri suspected he might be able to steal the show in the end.

“Some people would say the same thing about me,” Viktor laughed, “but I don’t intimidate you anymore because you’ve been getting to know me.”

“I guess…” Yuuri said, though he found it a bit funny that Viktor didn’t think he was intimidating anymore. “So, you want me to… practice with them separately?”

“Oh, no,” Viktor said as the cab pulled up and he opened the door. “I just want you to spend time with them and become their friend.”

“At the same time?!”

“Oh, _God_ , no!” Viktor assured, climbing into the cab. “You’d never accomplish anything with the two of them together! One at a time, please, yes.”

Yuuri followed him into the cab, sliding the door shut. “Okay… so you think I’ll be a better actor if I befriend them?”

“Of course! Ideally I’d like for you to be friends with everyone, but since Henry interacts the most with Peter and Tyler, they’re the most important.”

“What if they don’t want to be friends with me?”

“Why wouldn’t they? You’re great!”

Yuuri was quiet for a moment… and then he laughed.

“What? What is it? Did I say something wrong?” Viktor asked, pouting.

“No, no, it’s just… it’s still weird to hear you say that.”

“Why is it weird?”

“Because… you’re _you_. You’re _the_ Viktor Nikiforov. I’ve idolized you for years, and then here you are saying that _I’m_ great.”

Viktor’s head tilted slightly. “Well… you _are_ great.”

Yuuri blushed, ducking his head. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that.”

“You say thank you,” Viktor said, “and that you’ll befriend JJ and Yuri.”

“I’ll do my best.”

\--

“Vitya, you haven’t been practicing!” Yakov barked.

Yuuri was sitting politely on the sofa, waiting for his turn for lessons, and Yakov was in a mood. Viktor didn’t seem fazed, so Yuuri suspected this wasn’t uncommon.

“Sorry, I’ve been so busy!” Viktor said lightly.

“It shows,” Yakov said. “Your voice is exhausted. You sound terrible.”

While it admittedly wasn’t Viktor’s strongest performance, Yuuri sincerely doubted he could ever sound terrible. Viktor didn’t seem hurt by the comment though, instead taking a swig from his water bottle. He just brushed off comments like that so _easily_. Yuuri was fairly certain he’d be crying in the bathroom if his teacher told him that. “We can do it again,” Viktor said. “I’ll have it memorized by next week.”

“And I’ll be a blushing school girl,” Yakov said flatly. “Sing it again, but don’t push it so hard or you might hurt yourself… and for the love of God, sleep tonight.”

Viktor started singing again, and Yuuri did what he did best.

Worried.

Was Viktor really working too hard? Was he not sleeping? Yuuri sure as hell felt drained at the end of the day, and he had what Phichit called “legendary stamina.” Viktor wasn’t doing any acting in the show, of course (except for when Georgi came in late due to an apparently devastating break-up with his girlfriend Anya that left him in bed for the day), but he’d been actively engaged with every scene they’d been reading. He offered criticisms and advice (though never how _he_ would do the scene), and he and Christophe were constantly talking to each other about the songs. At other times he’d be outside taking phone calls. Even when they took breaks, Viktor always had his copy of the script close by. Yuuri didn’t know how well he was sleeping either, but if Yakov was right, it was probably hardly at all. Yakov knew Viktor far better than Yuuri did. Oh, no, oh, _no_ \--

“Yuuri.”

He glanced up. Viktor was smiling and sunshiny, just like always. “It’s your turn!”

After singing all day, Yuuri would have thought he wouldn’t want to sing, but it always did clear his mind. It certainly helped that Viktor seemed to visibly relax while listening to him. Yuuri hadn’t noticed how tense Viktor was until he wasn’t anymore. Maybe he was just happy to not be hearing his own songs banged out on the piano for a while.

He wasn’t the only one who noticed though.

“Maybe Yuuri should go first next time,” Yakov said. “You’ll sing easier, Vitya.”

Viktor didn’t agree or disagree. He just smiled, and Yuuri felt warmth pool in his chest.

\--

The cab ride back into the city was fairly quiet. Yuuri was listening to the piano for _Complex_ ’s songs again, while Viktor was looking over the script, making small notes that he’d surely tell everyone about in the morning. The script had evolved quite a bit in just the two weeks they’d been rehearsing, shifting into something that felt more natural now that Viktor could see it being acted out. He claimed it still needed some work, but everyone was feeling really positive about the changes.

He wondered if Viktor was editing the love ballad. JJ had been the only one who had complained about it (though complaining wasn’t really the right word—he hadn’t exactly been _negative_ , just unsure). The show sort of hinged on that piece though in a way, didn’t it? Most people remembered the big “I Want” song and the love song. Would issues with the characterization ruin the program? Surely no one would find issue with it in actual performance. Maybe Yuuri just needed to sing it better. He was the one with no romantic experience after all… Maybe that was the _real_ problem. Oh, God, why did he have to be such a wallflower in his youth? Couldn’t he have had at least _one_ great love to base his performance off of?

His fretting very, very suddenly _stopped_.

...Because Viktor had slumped against him, head pillowed on his shoulder.

“Viktor?” he questioned softly, pulling one of his earbuds out of his ear. Viktor responded with a soft snoring.

_Oh, my God!_

What did he need to do? Wake him up? Adjust himself so Viktor could lay down in the seat? Viktor was so tall there was no way he could sleep without leaning against Yuuri in some capacity though…

He looked down at the sleeping man, and Yuuri tentatively lifted his arm. All that succeeded in doing was having Viktor slide from his shoulder to his chest. Yuuri did his best not to panic.

“Viktor,” he said again, but the man didn’t even twitch in response. After hearing what Yakov had said to him during lessons, it just didn’t feel right to bother him. Sighing, he let his arm fall around Viktor’s shoulders, just leaving him to rest.

Yuuri hadn’t been quite this close to him before. With his head right up under his nose like this, Yuuri could smell Viktor’s shampoo. It was sweet and flowery, and Yuuri couldn’t help but breathe it in. It was a little funny how light and airy the smell was—Viktor was a winter child, but he still smelled like spring. It looked so _soft_ too...

Did he dare…?

Yuuri lifted his hand and slid it carefully over Viktor’s scalp, fingers brushing through the delicate silver strands.

“I’ve _got_ to get some of that shampoo,” Yuuri marveled, though he doubted he could afford it. Viktor was a man of expensive tastes, after all… but _damn_ , his hair was so silky Yuuri couldn’t stop touching it. He knew he shouldn’t continue, considering he hadn’t exactly been given permission, and there was also the possibility that the cab driver was giving him the eye through the rear-view mirror, but Yuuri just couldn’t help himself. Why did it have to be nice to look at _and_ to feel? Didn’t Viktor have a single flaw so that Yuuri could feel a little bit better about all of his own flaws?

What a strange, unreal creature Viktor Nikiforov was.

He asked the driver to go straight to Viktor’s apartment instead of stopping at his own first. There was no reason he couldn’t take the subway back, and Viktor clearly needed to make an early night of it. Yuuri sighed once more and put his music back on, settling in for the traffic-filled drive back to Chelsea. He ended up so dazed out that he didn’t realize he was still petting Viktor’s hair until they were right around the corner from their destination when he suddenly stirred from his sleep.

Quickly, Yuuri yanked his hand away and hoped Viktor didn’t notice. “H-hey, sleepy head,” he offered, trying to tease.

Viktor sat up, blinking a few times before yawning and scratching a hand through his hair, like it was no big deal that he’d just been sleeping practically on top of Yuuri. He paused after a moment, appearing to be deep in thought, and then…

“My hair…”

Of course he’d noticed.

“Uhh… what about it?” _Just play dumb, Katsuki_.

Viktor thought on it for another moment and then turned towards Yuuri. “Is my hair thinning?!”

If there was anything Yuuri had expected, it… wasn’t that.

“What? No! Why would you think that?”

“You were touching it.” Viktor poked at his own hair part. “Are you sure? It’s not thinning?”

Okay, so maybe Viktor _did_ have a flaw after all.

He was vain.

It was weird how good it felt to know that, even if he probably should have seen it coming from a mile away. Yuuri never was good at noticing things until they were staring him straight in the face. His glasses couldn’t fix all of his blindness.

“It’s fine,” Yuuri said. “Relax, would you? You’re only twenty-seven, right?”

“Don’t remind me,” Viktor pouted. Yuuri still didn’t think that was all that old.

“So…” said Viktor slowly. “Why _were_ you touching my hair?”

_Busted!_

“I was trying to wake you up!” he lied. “We’re almost back to your apartment and I didn’t really think it’d look dignified if I carried you through the lobby!”

“Oh,” Viktor said, looking out the window, only then realizing where they were. “Why didn’t you just wake me up immediately? You’re so far from your own apartment now.”

“It’s not that far,” Yuuri said honestly.

“Why don’t you just stay at my place tonight?” Viktor asked, grinning brightly.

The cab came to a stop in front of Viktor’s apartment.

Yuuri felt like his heart was in his throat.

Viktor was waiting expectantly for an answer, but Yuuri was just trying to decode the meaning in the question. Was it just a friendly invitation or… something _more_? Oh, as if! It would never be more than friendliness. This was _Viktor Nikiforov_. A guy like him didn’t make moves on guys like Yuuri. _No one_ made moves on guys like Yuuri, and he knew that from experience! Viktor could have anyone in the whole world with just the wave of his hand so--

Wait, why was he even _thinking_ about this?!

“MY ROOMMATE WILL WORRY ABOUT ME GOODNIGHT.”

 _Too loud_ , he thought, but at least he was out of the cab.

He didn’t dare look back as he ran for the subway, but he did still hear Viktor call out, “Okay! Maybe some other time! Goodnight, Yuuri!”

 _Oh, God, I have a crush on him_.


	14. Chapter 14

**Fourteen.**

The subway was mostly quiet for the trip home…which was nice because the inside of Yuuri’s head was screaming.

_RED ALERT RED ALERT YUURI KATSUKI HAS A CRUSH ON VIKTOR NIKIFOROV_

What the hell was the matter with him? How could this have _happened_? Surely he was just misreading his own feelings. Surely it was just…a _strong admiration_! Yeah! That made sense! That had to be all that it was. That was all it ever _had_ been. Yuuri had _admired_ Viktor since Viktor’s career started. Getting to know him in person had only intensified those feelings.

Those feelings of admiration, and only admiration.

So what if his hair smelled nice? So what if he was unbelievably handsome and talented? So what if even his vanity was endearing?

...Fuck.

Even the thought of Viktor was giving him stomach flutters. The warm press of Viktor’s body against his while he slept… Yuuri wanted to sink in his seat just from the memory of it. God, he hadn’t even taken the time to really appreciate how nice it felt because he’d been so freaked out.

Okay, so maybe he did have a crush… No big deal, right? He’d… _probably_ had this crush since he’d first heard Viktor sing, really. Honestly, who could blame him? Viktor was gorgeous and incredible and ethereal and—

Now was not the time to be waxing poetic.

 _Okay, get it together, Katsuki_ , he told himself silently. _So a crush is…fine. You’ll get over it. They say those sorts of things don’t last. Just never speak of it to anyone and you’ll be fine._

When he arrived at practice the next morning, he was already rethinking that.

“Good morning!” Viktor greeted. His hair was mussed, and there were dark circles under his eyes. He also appeared to be wearing the same clothes as he had the night before. Christophe was there too, looking just as worn out. They both looked entirely too good to have surely been up all night, but Yuuri’s jealous little heart leaped at what that could have meant.

“We wrote a new song!” Viktor said, practically skipping over to Yuuri to show it to him.

“Viktor and his bursts of inspiration,” Christophe said, letting his elbow settle on the piano keys with a clashing chord. “Called me up to work it out. Mila and Sara are going to be singing it mostly, so don’t worry about having to learn too much.”

Yuuri stared at the title.

“Symptoms of a Crush.”

_He’s in my head! Oh, God!_

“That’s great,” Yuuri said, smiling through his panic. “Were you up all night again?”

“Not the whole night,” Viktor said.

“The nap you took in the taxi cab on the way home doesn’t count,” Christophe said, yawning. “If we’re going to do this, I’m going to need more coffee. Do either of you want anything?”

“Cappuccino!” Viktor said gleefully.

“Uh, yeah, same, I guess,” Yuuri said, going for his wallet to give Christophe the money for his.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, slipping on his sunglasses. “I’ll buy. You two get on with… whatever it is you’re doing here in the mornings before rehearsal.” He smacked Yuuri’s ass on the way out the door.

“Why does he do that?” Yuuri mumbled, but Viktor had already returned to the piano and hadn’t heard him.

“Here, I’ll play you the new song,” said Viktor. “It’s quite fun, I think. Chris says it’ll be a great addition since the girls have such good voices and don’t get to sing enough as it is. Basically, Henry is trying to understand what he’s feeling for Peter, and the girls help him understand his symptoms. How wonderful is that? Sometimes these ideas just hit me like lightning!”

Yuuri settled his things in the corner where he usually left them and walked over, studying Viktor’s profile. He was so _pretty_ , and he looked so _tired_ …

“It probably could have waited until morning,” he offered gently. “You looked pretty exhausted yesterday.”

“I wouldn’t have slept if I didn’t put it on paper,” Viktor said. “I have a bad habit of just lying there all night, thinking about things. Chris _indulges_ me, thankfully.”

“Indulges,” Yuuri mumbled, tasting the word in his mouth. What the hell did that mean?

“We spent all night working on the piece so that it would be ready today. We want Sara and Mila learning it as soon as possible. You’ll be singing in it too, of course, so I’ll have Chris record it for all of you before you leave today.”

Yuuri scanned the piece with his eyes. Jenny sang about physical symptoms of attraction with pupils dilating and heart palpitating and such, while Adrianne, clearly singing about Jenny, talked about finding things about the person so endearing. Henry was just denying the whole interest as anything more than platonic, but over the course of the song he realized what what going on in his heart. Even as he denied his interest, he sung about how his heart pounded and how he found Peter’s baking in the middle of the night and his inability to wear matching socks to be so…wonderful. The girls of course took this information and claimed he “had it bad.”

“Do you like it?” Viktor asked.

“I do,” Yuuri said, and he meant it, even if he was having a silent meltdown over how close to home it was hitting for him at the moment. “What inspired you to write a piece like this?”

“I thought the romance wasn’t addressed enough,” Viktor said immediately, almost like he’d rehearsed the answer. “I hoped it would maybe make the love ballad feel more natural, but… I don’t know. I’ve been trying to edit it, but I may have to scrap that whole song. JJ doesn’t like it…” He sighed dramatically. “What do you think of it?”

Yuuri jumped. “I—I’m not the expert.”

“You hate it too…” Viktor said, draping himself ever-more-dramatically across the piano. “I knew it.”

“I don’t hate it! I don’t know anything about love, so I wouldn’t know if it’s right one way or the other. I just sort of assumed JJ would know better since… I mean, he has a fiancee. I’ve never even been on a date, so…”

Viktor sat back up, tossing his hair out of his face only for it to fall back where it was. He was smiling again, and Yuuri was beginning to wonder if he forced that grin on sometimes. “You’re probably right! I need to look deeper into my heart and write what love is! In the meantime, we should continue with your acting coaching. Today, I’m going to teach you to act to the back of the room!”

Yuuri didn’t know how Viktor could remain so positive all the time, but he just tried to listen to what he was saying and not get _too_ lost in those blue eyes of his.

\--

JJ had been more enthusiastic than Yuuri had expected when he asked if he would spend time with him on Saturday. Yuuri didn’t know quite what to expect, but at least Viktor was happy. Making Viktor happy made Yuuri happy, so he’d gone home that Friday night determined to make a friend out of the self-proclaimed King of Broadway.

He didn’t expect to come out of his room to find Leo and Guang Hong (who had spent the night at their apartment playing Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime with Phichit until fuck-all in the morning) staring curiously out the window at the street below.

“That’s a really nice car,” Leo said, his eyes lighting up. “What’s it doing parked in front of a place like this?”

“You saying our apartment’s a dump?” Phichit asked from the kitchen table where he was helping himself to another Leo-made breakfast.

“It’s better than ours,” Guang Hong supplied instead of answering the question directly. “You have a bedroom in yours.”

“You can just say it’s a dump,” Phichit said.

Yuuri shuffled out of said bedroom, mumbling to Phichit not to talk with his mouthful and peeked out the window to see the car. It was a bright red sports car, a convertible despite the winter weather, and it was a bit too flashy for his tastes.

He also knew who it belonged to immediately.

It was only in that moment that he remembered that he hadn’t exactly told Leo or Guang Hong how big the show was or who was in it. Or who was directing it. Oops.

“Hey, uh…you aren’t a huge fan of Jean-Jacques Leroy, are you, Leo?” he asked awkwardly.

“Huh? A little out of left field to ask, but yeah. Absolutely, I am,” Leo scoffed, as if the question was ridiculous. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s a little obnoxious, but the man’s got skill for days.”

“I think you’re just as good as he is,” Guang Hong said.

“You’re biased.”

“I am not! You’re really good!”

Phichit had stopped chewing and swallowed hard, seeming to catch Yuuri’s anxiousness over the appearance of the car. Yuuri had gone straight to bed when he’d gotten home, so he hadn’t told Phichit his plans for the day, but the boy was apparently able to connect the dots. “Shit, dude! What’s he doing here?” he asked.

“Who?” Guang Hong and Leo said simultaneously.

“I didn’t know they were going to still be here this morning,” Yuuri explained to Phichit. Leo and Guang Hong had left the window and were now gathering closer to them, eyes alight with curiosity.

“I don’t know why you’re keeping it secret from them anyway,” Phichit shrugged. “It’s not like they’re gonna go spill the beans to the press or anything.”

“The press?” the two boys, again in tandem, said.

“Viktor didn’t even hold auditions for the show because he doesn’t want anyone to go in with expectations—”

“ _Viktor_?” they said again.

“Well, you told _me_ about it,” Phichit said.

“Told him what?” they asked.

“You’re my best friend though, Phichit.”

“Aww, really? That’s awesome! Thanks Yuuri! You’re my best friend too!”

“What’s going _on_?!” Leo and Guang Hong interrupted.

“Oh, yeah,” said Phichit. “You know that show that Yuuri’s starring in? It’s Viktor Nikiforov’s show.”

Neither of them had anything to say to _that_ , which was fine since it was at that moment that there was a loud knock on the door.

“Is that _Viktor_?!” asked Leo, and while his expression was a tad panicked, there were definitely stars in his eyes.

“No,” Yuuri said awkwardly. “That’s Jean-Jacques Leroy.”

“You’re not serious!”

There was another knock.

“Hey, Katsuki! You in there?”

“Oh, my God! That’s his voice! That’s JJ’s voice,” Leo said, and he crossed himself before mumbling in Spanish.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell us you were going to be in something this big,” Guang Hong said. Thankfully, he didn’t sound angry or disappointed, just in awe. “You must be really good.”

JJ knocked again, so Guang Hong promptly answered the door.

“This isn’t our place,” Leo offered sheepishly, but any rudeness was promptly forgotten.

“Whoa,” JJ said, lifting his sunglasses to settle them on the top of his head. “Kind of a sausage fest in here. What’s up?”

Both, no—all three boys left Yuuri behind to gather around Jean-Jacques, staring at him in wonder. JJ was absolutely loving every minute of it.

“Hey,” Yuuri said awkwardly. “Sorry, my friends are uh… that is… they weren’t expecting you.”

All three boys simultaneously tried to introduce themselves and started talking about what a great honor it was to meet him, and oh, I loved you in _Beauty and the Beast_ even though I only saw it on YouTube, and wow, you’re taller than I thought, and is that your car outside? Yuuri could barely follow the lines of conversation, but JJ just smiled through it, delighted that he was getting attention.

Finally through the slew of questions, Leo’s voice managed to pipe up above the rest to ask, “What are you even doing here?”

JJ laughed, arms akimbo, and he said, “I’m taking Katsuki out for a little breakfast date.” He winked.

Yuuri was mortified.

“Hahaha! Don’t look so scared!” JJ laughed again. “You can’t be afraid of that kind of talk if you’re going to be playing my lover! You should be more secure with your masculinity, like me.”

“To be secure with his masculinity, Yuuri would need to be secure in general,” Phichit offered.

“Can we come to breakfast too?” asked Guang Hong excitedly.

“You already ate breakfast,” Yuuri said flatly.

“Second breakfast!” Leo said.

“Maybe next time,” Yuuri said. “Look I’ll uh…I’ll explain everything later, okay? Just…later, okay?”

“Yeah, we can all meet up later!” JJ said, and the boys cheered so loudly that Yuuri didn’t even bother to say that wasn’t what he meant. “Come on, kiddo, let’s go experience New York!”

“Kiddo?” Yuuri mumbled softly to himself. “I’m older than you.”

JJ either didn’t hear him or chose not to. Instead, he threw an arm around Yuuri’s shoulder and started leading him out the door. Yuuri barely had time to grab his bag and say goodbye before he was leaving the apartment behind, getting into JJ’s too-flashy car, and heading out into the city with “Don’t Stop Believin’” as their background music on the car’s stereo.

Yuuri wondered if maybe he would have done better to spend the day with Yuri first.

Oh, well…no going back now.

If nothing else, he seemed to have already won JJ over as a friend without doing much of anything. All he could do was hope that his enthusiasm translated into some good chemistry…and that Yuuri could return the favor.

This was going to be a long day.


	15. Chapter 15

**Fifteen.**

JJ took Yuuri out to a little cafe for breakfast, one that he bragged was the best place in town. Yuuri was pretty sure that Leo’s breakfast was better than this place, but he didn’t complain. Even if he’d wanted to, he didn’t really have the opportunity because JJ was a _talker_.

This was not new information, since Yuuri had spent plenty of time with him in rehearsal, but without a script and scenes to occupy his mouth, JJ’s chattiness was amped up to eleven. By the time they had finished breakfast Yuuri had heard JJ’s whole history. He’d been born in Canada, but he’d always loved the theatre. He first got noticed when he was four years old in a local production of a show. He had only had a bit part, but his enthusiasm when he sang had caught the eye of an agent, and from there he was whisked off into child stardom on the stage. It started with bit parts, but as he got older more became available to him. He also did acting in commercials and television, even recorded an album. During a summer trip to Europe, he’d met Isabella Yang, an opera singer and a secret huge fan of his. They’d spent the entire weekend together and JJ claimed he knew she was The One from the moment he’d first heard her voice.

“Her singing?” Yuuri had asked.

“Of course,” JJ had said. “The first time I heard her, I knew it. It was like my ears had been waiting for her voice my whole life. Have you ever felt like that before?”

Yuuri decidedly didn’t answer that question.

JJ didn’t notice, continuing to go on about their escapades across Europe, the story of how they got engaged. Yuuri didn’t want to admit it, but he sort of tuned it out because he was thinking about what JJ had said.

His ears had been waiting for her voice his whole life… Yuuri _could_ understand that. Viktor’s voice had come into Yuuri’s life and made him feel like he was hearing music for the first time. Yuuri, until that point, hadn’t been a passionate boy. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life, had contented himself with an existence in the background. Sure, he’d liked singing, he guessed, but it was only to himself when he was alone. Yuuko had been the one performing in the school shows, and Yuuri was glad just to indulge _her_ interest because at least someone was talking to him. Then he first heard Viktor sing, and Yuuri’s world _exploded_ with sound, with glorious, joyful noise, and he had _wanted_. _Oh_ , how he’d _wanted_ …

Yuuri had memorized Viktor’s performance, note for note, word for word. He could still remember it to this day.

“Corner of the Sky” from _Pippin_.

He’d gotten so excited that he’d asked Yuuko to come over and gathered his parents and sister with her into the same room. With his karaoke track, he put on a performance of the song, hoping to get some praise for all of his hard work.

He could still remember the deafening silence from his small audience when he finished the song on a strong high note. He could remember the sparkling in their eyes.

That was the first time he realized he might actually be good at something.

His parents had helped him get into voice lessons from there, and Yuuri had eagerly devoured everything that he could learn.

...And of course all of that had fallen apart when he’d discovered his stage fright.

 _God_ , how pathetic he was.

JJ was still talking. It was almost a little impressive.

Shit—fuck—wait, what was he saying?

“S—sorry,” Yuuri said. “Can you repeat the question?”

JJ sipped at his coffee (he liked it the regular way though with far too much sugar). “I asked why you invited me out today. Like, not for nothing, but I don’t think you came here to hear my life story.”

Yuuri refrained from mentioning that JJ had offered up the story anyway. “Viktor suggested I spend some time with you,” he explained, “in the hopes of improving our chemistry in the performance. He said he thought I’d be more comfortable performing if I got to know you better. You’ve probably noticed that I’m not exactly the most uh… _natural_ performer.”

JJ squinted for a moment, then said something that caught Yuuri off guard. “No, I hadn’t noticed it that much,” he said.

Yuuri sat up straighter in his chair. The surprise must have shown on his face, because JJ laughed and added, “I mean, none of us are totally comfortable in our parts just yet, but considering you’ve got the least experience of all of us I thought you were doing pretty damned good. Your spoken line stuff needs a little work, but when you sing, _man_. You’ve got some real talent. You’re a regular diamond in the rough. Of course, a seasoned actor like myself can be nothing but helpful in your quest to be better! I guess it really helps that you’re literally surrounded by the best teachers.”

“Y—yeah…” Yuuri said, looking down into his cappuccino. “I’m just…worried about the actual performance.”

“Why? Is it because of the love song? I think it needs some work, but that’s not your fault. It just needs to be tweaked or whatever.”

“No, it’s not that… It’s… Well, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.” He smirked.

Yuuri was very intently avoiding eye contact as he admitted, “I have a lot of anxiety, and I guess it just…manifests…when I get in front of people and have to perform. When I’m under pressure, I just…fall apart. I really don’t know why Viktor picked me.”

JJ was, for once, quiet for a moment. Then he said, “That’s all?”

Yuuri blinked. “Wh—what do you mean?”

“I mean… if anxiety is all that’s stopping you then you should be fine. I have anxiety too, y’know?”

“Huh?!”

“Yeah!” JJ said delightedly. “I’ve had it most of my life. There have been times when I’ve felt totally paralyzed by it.”

Yuuri couldn’t believe it. Jean-Jacques Leroy was so _confident_. How could he possibly have the same problems? “How… How do you handle it?”

“Medication,” he said, shrugging a shoulder, “but even without it, really the best thing is just to really connect with your role and with the people around you. Being on the stage doesn’t have to be scary. It should be fun. A good cast in a show should be like a family. When you’re together, you’re just…at home, you know? And besides, if a guy like Viktor thinks you’ve got what it takes then maybe that’s all you need to know.”

Yuuri stared, hands wrapping around his cup. “You...think so?”

“Of course! A guy like _me_ thinks you’ve got what it takes too!”

Yuuri managed a smile. Maybe this meeting hadn’t been such a bad idea at all. “Thank you,” he said softly.

“You’re welcome! Don’t worry about a thing, all right? I’ll take you under my wing, baby bird, and you’ll learn how to fly.”

“Baby bird…”

“Just tell me what you need from my performance to make you better. Let’s keep that door open, yeah?”

“Tell me how to act like I’m in love.”

JJ paused, another moment of silence from him. “What, you’ve never been in love before?”

“Not so far. I’ve…had crushes, I guess,” he said vaguely, “but they never really led anywhere.”

“Oh, well, that’s fine. You can go off of those feelings for this show. Peter and Henry’s whole relationship thing is still new and it literally starts out as a crush so just base your performance off of those feelings. Come on, you know the script. Pretend that I’m someone you’ve had a crush on right now and do a scene with me!”

“H… Here? Right now?” Yuuri asked awkwardly, eyes darting around at the other cafe patrons.

“Hmm… I guess you’re right. Not enough space. Let’s get out of here.”

Before Yuuri could say anything further, JJ was paying the tab with a generous tip, signing an autograph for a fan who happened to be standing nearby, and leading them back out to his car once more.

They ended up at, of all places, Central Park. It was freezing, but JJ didn’t seem to even notice the cold. The park was thankfully not too crowded due to the weather, at least. “Okay,” JJ said, grinning as he came to a stop underneath a tree and turned around. “Wow me. Sing for me. Pretend I’m the person you’ve crushed on and sing.”

“There’s no music though. What should I even sing?”

“Sing whatever you want. Who needs music? You are the music.”

“But… we’re in public…”

“Yeah? And? There’s almost no one around, for starters, and like… these are the people you’re going to be singing for. If they hear you, that’s great! The fact is though, you’re not singing for them right now. You’re singing for that person you like. So do that.”

Well, that _was_ what Yuuri had been doing for a while.

He sang “Til There Was You” because it was what he’d sold Viktor with. He sang it because when he’d auditioned with it, the only thing that had gone through his mind was how it was _about_ Viktor and what beautiful love of music he’d supplied him with. There was a new element here now though, he supposed, knowing that his heart beat with affection for more than just Viktor’s music... It was a weird sensation.

JJ had told him to focus on that feeling though, and so he did. He thought of Viktor falling against his shoulder, resting easy for the first time in days. He thought of the warmth that had seeped into his own body at the contact, of the soft, sweet smell of his hair. He thought of Viktor’s face as he sang alone in the rehearsal space with all of the loneliness (acted or not) in the world, and he thought of Viktor’s bright, heart-shaped smile whenever Yuuri did something to please him during their practice. He thought of Viktor who always said Yuuri was amazing and talented, the way he looked at Yuuri like he was the whole world whenever he performed.

He couldn’t help but think about the line in the new song that had been written, where the girls told Henry that he “had it bad.”

An apt statement, really.

When the song came to an end, Yuuri didn’t feel any of his usual anxiety. He just felt overwhelmed with love and with pride in himself because that surely was the best he’d ever sung that song. He wished Viktor had been there to witness it.

It was only at that moment that he became aware of the small crowd that had gathered and was now applauding, as well as JJ holding up his phone, having filmed the whole thing. Yuuri had been so focused on his feelings that he hadn’t even noticed.

Yuuri blushed so rapidly that his glasses steamed up.

“Yeah!” JJ said excitedly. “Look at you, you have fans now too! Feel that applause, man! Feels good, doesn’t it?”

Yuuri looked around at the line of people who were so excited to have heard him sing and… yeah. Yeah, it did feel good.

“Take a bow, man!” JJ said, putting his phone away, and Yuuri did, albeit sheepishly. He still wasn’t all that good at accepting praise.

When he rose from his bow, JJ gave him a hearty smack on the back. “Nothing’s gonna stop you,” he said. “You’re gonna be a star!”

“Why were you filming it?”

“I film everything I do!” JJ explained. “I’m gonna send it to you so you can watch your performance and go from there. I’d recommend you do it all the time. I have all of our rehearsals on film.”

Yuuri didn’t comment on that, mostly because JJ had moved away to start chatting with the crowd, giving out autographs when asked. Yuuri had expected JJ to only talk about himself, but as he listened in, he discovered he was actually just talking up _Yuuri_. “I hope you’ll all come out and see the show when it opens. Afraid I can’t tell you much about it right now, but I _can_ tell you it’s going to be something really special,” JJ told them. “You guys just witnessed Broadway’s rising star! How cool are you all? I hope you’ll talk us up big time. Keep an eye on my YouTube channel!”

“Wait, you’re not going to post that online, are you?”

JJ’s lack of answer was very unsettling. Yuuri could only be distracted by that for a moment though because someone was tugging on his coat. When he looked down, a little girl was holding up her notebook and a pen, asking for _his_ autograph. He looked at JJ in shock, wanting to confirm that this was really happening, and JJ just smiled back.

Yuuri crouched down, taking the notebook and signing his name in English and then in Japanese underneath it. “I wanna sing on stage too,” she said as he did it.

He smiled, unable to help but see himself in her. Her enthusiasm and her wonder… like him when he first saw Viktor.

Oh, God, he was really becoming _somebody_ wasn’t he?

“You’ll do it,” he told her, heart swelling. “I believe in you. Let’s sing together someday, okay?”

She lit up, thanked him.

This felt good.

This felt _great_.


	16. Chapter 16

**Sixteen.**

Yuuri’s day with JJ had surprised him by not being as terrible as he had feared, and even though he was a little overwhelmed when Phichit, Leo, and Guang Hong joined the two of them for karaoke, he felt a lot more confident in their relationship. His crush on Viktor had actually been helpful so far, if only because he had something to channel into Henry. It was still a little terrifying that such a feeling existed, yeah, but he’d take help wherever he could get it.

He’d fallen into bed that night and slept easily. Everything was becoming so much more _real_ , but he was facing it head on with determination.

Now he just had to form some sort of connection with Yuri Plisetsky.

That was looking to be decidedly harder because the boy would barely talk to him at rehearsal. When he finally managed to get the kid aside for a conversation, he’d scoffed at the whole thing. “Seems to me it’d be better if it were awkward between us,” he grumbled, arms folding across his chest. “My character isn’t exactly a big fan of yours, after all.”

“It was Viktor’s suggestion,” Yuuri offered weakly. “Besides, I would like to get to know you. Don’t you think if we were to come to an understanding in real life, the one between us at the end of the show would feel a lot more real?”

“Maybe on your end, but _I_ can actually act,” Yuri snorted.

Yuuri would have been hurt or offended, but this was honestly the behavior he expected from the boy. “I’ll buy lunch for you,” he said. “We can go wherever you want to go.”

“You realize the risk you’re taking by offering that, don’t you? I could pick somewhere really fucking expensive.”

Yuuri offered a small smile and a shrug of his shoulders. He just had faith Yuri wouldn’t do such a thing. Maybe he was an idiot, but he was going to try.

...and Yuri relented, sighing. “Whatever. You can join me for my dance class. Prove you can do something besides sing and maybe you’ll earn a smidgen of my respect. Then after we’ll get lunch.”

“Great! Thank you!”

“You won’t be thanking me after you take Lilia’s class. She’s also supposed to be choreographing this show per my request, so you’ll get a taste of what you’re fucking in for. If you can impress _her_ , then you might just be worth my attention.”

“I’ve taken a dance class before.”

Yuri actually laughed then and said, “Not like this.”

\--

Yuri was decidedly not kidding. When Yuuri arrived at the dance class the next Saturday morning, it was barely dawn, and Yuri Plisetsky was there alone, stretching in his leotard and leggings, some of his hair pulled back off of his face. “Didn’t think you’d show, Piggy,” he said, moving from the port de bras in fifth position to go on releve.

Yuuri huffed, peeling out of his jacket and joining Yuri near the barre, beginning his own stretches. He was definitely out of practice and could feel it in the pull of his muscles. It worried him that he might not be able to deliver on his dancing, but… well, he _had_ to if he wanted to stand a chance at being friends with Yuri. Of course, there was the advantage of getting on the good side of the choreographer for _Complex_ too.

He’d done ballet before. He could do this.

“You invited me, so of course I came,” he said. “How long have you been training under your teacher here for?”

Yuri’s eyes narrowed slightly. He apparently wasn’t very into the idea of opening up to Yuuri, but he answered anyway. “Years. My dancing is where I’m strongest, so I keep my skills honed. I’ve only got a limited time where I’ll be this flexible.”

Yuri _had_ been in a lot of dance heavy shows if Yuuri remembered correctly. He’d surely gotten to know Viktor during the brief time they’d been together in _Billy Elliot: The Musical_. Yuri had been the lead, Billy, and Viktor had played the part of Older Billy for a brief time before moving on to another show. Yuuri had heard that Yuri had been heinously rude to Viktor backstage, but their performances together had been electric.

Yuuri stretched his leg on the barre, the pull of muscles finally becoming less painful as they warmed up. “So what made you decide on being an actor, anyway? Why not just be a dancer?”

“I don’t see why that’s any of your business!” he barked. He was blushing.

“Just curiosity,” Yuuri said.

Yuri was silent for several moments, but then he relented, clearly flustered. “My grandfather was an actor. I just wanted to be like him.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure what to say, but he found he didn’t have to say anything because the door was swinging open and a woman was entering. She was tall and slender, her hair tied back in a tight bun. Her expression was serious and a bit grumpy. She sort of reminded Yuuri of Yakov.

“You’re not usually here on time,” she said, looking down her nose at Yuri before looking towards Yuuri. “You also don’t usually bring company.”

“Viktor suggested the two of us spend time together, and Yuri offered for me to come to your class today,” Yuuri said. “Is that all right?”

Her lip curled as she debated her answer, looking Yuuri up and down. He was suddenly sweating profusely and standing up as straight as possible. He felt like she was picking apart his whole body.

“Viktor,” she said. “So you are in the show.”

“He’s the lead,” Yuri said, tilting his head in Yuuri’s direction. “His name is Yuuri too.”

The woman’s thin, neatly groomed eyebrows raised on her forehead. “I see,” she said, taking a few long strides across the room so that she was standing in Yuuri’s personal space. “I am Lilia Baranovskaya. I’ve been hired as the choreographer for your program, so I certainly expect you can dance.”

“That’s what he’s here to prove,” Yuri said, sounding skeptical.

Yuuri was feeling a little skeptical himself, considering how out of practice he was. Sure, he and Viktor danced every morning before their acting lessons to get their bodies warm and ready to go, but that dancing hadn’t come with any pressure to perform. If he wanted Yuri to respect him, he’d have to really deliver, and that wasn’t even mentioning the fact that he needed to impress this woman who was working on their show if he wanted to measure up to the rest of the performers. He didn’t have much a choice though but to just do it. He’d been working on getting past his fear of singing in front of people, now he had to do it with dancing. Viktor had faith in him, so he could do this. He just had to keep reminding himself.

“We’ll start on the barre,” Lilia commanded, clapping her hands.

Yuuri and Yuri moved into position and started following Lilia’s very strict instructions. It was beginning to feel familiar again, Yuuri thought, as he moved. Minako’s classes had been structured the same way, as he supposed all ballet classes were, though Minako had a friendlier disposition and likely didn’t expect as much as Lilia did. She put on the music, a powerful, beautiful piece, and they continued on the barre for the first half of class.

“Stop looking so sour,” Lilia barked at Yuri. “You’re supposed to be beautiful. It needs to look effortless. Yuuri’s expression looks effortless.”

That comment only made Yuri’s expression more sour, but Yuuri would take the compliment regardless.

They were commanded to move out to the middle of the floor. The two of them moved along in tandem to Lilia’s voice and the music, and Yuuri watched as Yuri’s expression softened into something beautiful, just like Lilia wanted. Yuri really was an incredible dancer. Yuuri probably looked pathetic next to him, but at least he could follow along. He told himself that there was no chance he could dance with the grace and dexterity that Yuri did because Yuri had his youth on his side, and it did help his confidence a little.

They spun and leaped and stepped across the room together, and Yuuri soon forgot to worry about Yuri or Lilia’s opinion. With every move he felt stronger, and it was easier to pretend that this was Minako’s class. He was young and excited and so sure he would one day share the stage with Viktor. “Beautiful, Yuuri, beautiful!” Minako would say. His leaps had never been perfect, but his step sequences were spot on.

His imagination quickly shifted in another direction though. He could see himself on the stage in a classic style musical, spinning across the floor and into Viktor’s arms, letting the man dip him back slowly, his breath ghosting on Yuuri’s neck before pulling him back up. The spotlight was on them, and there was no audience. It was just the two of them, voices singing together in harmony the love song from _Complex_ and…

Hm. That song really did need some work.

The song on the stereo came to an end, and he came to a stop along with Yuri. He couldn’t remember what he’d been doing because he’d been so lost in his fantasies, and he couldn’t read LIlia’s expression. Oh, shit.

“Not terrible,” she said, sounding as close to impressed as Yuuri thought she could manage.

Well, that was a relief.

“Thank you,” Yuuri said honestly, smiling over at Yuri. “He’s the really impressive one though.”

“I don’t need your charity compliments,” Yuri growled. “Of course I’m better than you!”

“Because you have practiced longer,” Lilia reminded before turning back to Yuuri. “You have potential.”

“Thank you, Madame Baranovskaya.” Yuuri bowed out of respect.

“If you don’t want that potential wasted, I’d suggest you keep practicing,” she said impassively. “You are dismissed. Yuri, you have to perform the number we have been working on before you can go.”

Yuri made a noise of complaint, but even as he did so he was getting into position. The boy could complain with the best of them, but it seemed, at least with Lilia, he ultimately did what he was told. As Yuuri stood off to the side and watched Yuri dance solo, his movements seemingly as effortless as she wanted them to appear, he could see why.

This choreography appeared to be for the solo song Yuri would be singing, if the piano track playing was any indication. To think that he was already doing so well and it had only been a few weeks since they’d started practicing! Apparently he’d wanted to get a head start on the choreography. Yuuri had gotten a head start with the script, so it wasn’t exactly unfair.

“Again,” Lilia said, starting the track over. “This time, sing.”

So Yuri did. The boy was a _machine_. If Yuuri Katsuki had potential, he couldn’t even imagine what word to use for Yuri Plisetsky. The boy was young, but he definitely had the chance to steal the spotlight away from Viktor if he kept up at this pace. If he would just work on his attitude a little, by the time he was old enough for the leading man roles, he’d be swiping all of them with ease.

 _I guess if you want to be leading man in all of your favorite shows, you’d best do it now, Katsuki_ , he thought and…

Huh.

He was more committed to this now than he’d even realized. He just hoped to hang onto that confidence for the actual performance.

\--

After class was over, Yuuri hailed a cab and fully expected Yuri to demand they go somewhere expensive for lunch just to spite him. The address he’d spouted out to the driver took them to Spanish Harlem, however, to a restaurant called El Aguila. The place was crowded, but they were able to find a little table for the two of them. Yuri was already diving into his “Huevos con Chorizo” burrito before Yuuri was even able to mention the fact that this place was surprisingly cheap.

“You don’t look like you have money,” Yuri said, mouth full of food. “I didn’t want to fit the bill when you offered to treat me. Besides, this is my favorite place. Me and Otabek come here all the time.”

“Otabek? Like from the show? You guys must be good friends then.”

Yuri swallowed. “Of course we are, don’t be an idiot.”

Yuuri took a bit more time devouring his own meal as mentioning Yuri and Otabek’s friendship had opened the door for Yuri to start getting chatty. He talked at length about how they’d shared a dance teacher but Otabek had never been very good at classical dance and preferred more of the hip hop variety. They’d been in a few different shows together and whenever Yuri needed to get away for a while, he’d just call Otabek who’d come and get him on his motorcycle and they’d usually come to places like this. Apparently Otabek knew where all the best places to eat were because he’d lived in New York since he was a small child after immigrating from his homeland of Kazakhstan. His father owned a restaurant in Brooklyn.

“You don’t really talk about yourself much,” Yuuri offered after a bit.

Yuri paused, then shrugged a shoulder. “What’s there to know? I’m like that idiot Viktor in that sense. I live for the stage, I die for the stage. There’s not much else going on in my life except that.”

Yuuri had never thought of it that way before. It sounded… sad. Lonely.

“Don’t look like some whipped puppy dog, moron,” Yuri grumbled. “I wanted this. I sacrificed everything to get to this point, so I sure don’t regret it. You can only be a star for a little while before someone takes your place, so you have to be the best while you can. I’ve never let anyone stand in my way.”

“That’s so admirable,” Yuuri said honestly. “I’m constantly letting myself get in my own way so…”

“Idiot! You’re the only person you can control and you let that happen?! Jeez, here you are with all that natural singing talent, and you can actually dance unlike so many people trying to be on stage these days, and _you’re_ the problem? Pathetic.”

It was said in such a mean way, but from Yuri Plisetsky, it was probably the closest thing to a compliment he was going to get.

“I guess I’ll just have to try to take after you some more,” Yuuri said, smiling. “I’ll do my best!”

Yuri looked taken aback by that statement, and then his face was turning beet red. He swallowed hard around the mouthful of food he was chewing and mumbled, “Better than your best. Out of all the people in the world, Viktor picked _you_ as a lead, and if your performance sucks, it’ll make mine look bad.”

“Well, that’s why I wanted to get to know you better,” Yuuri offered. “I know our characters aren’t exactly friendly with one another, but they do come to reach an understanding.”

“So, what, you want to reach an understanding with me?”

“I dunno. Maybe? I just want to be your friend, really. I don’t think you’re as mean as other people say.”

“What makes you think that?”

“You let me see your dance class, which I’m sure is really personal for you, and you were considerate of my wallet when it came time to get lunch here. Plus, the way you talk about your friend shows you care about him a lot… and no one could dance like you if they didn’t have the heart and the passion for it. I’m sure your grandfather is really proud of you.”

Yuri’s face got redder if it was possible. He didn’t have a rude comment this time either.

“He’s coming to the opening if we take _Complex_ to the big stage,” Yuri said, looking down at his food. “You can… meet him then, I guess… and decide that for yourself.”

Yuuri smiled brightly. “I’d love to!”

“You need to work on your dancing though!” Yuri shouted, pointing a finger in Yuuri’s face. “I won’t dance alongside someone with those sloppy leaps, you hear me?!”

Yuuri laughed, nodding along. “Of course, of course! With your help, I’ll do my very best. Let’s make Viktor’s show incredible together!”

“Don’t do it for him,” Yuri said. “Do it for yourself. He’ll benefit regardless.”

Yuuri blinked, then nodded again. “Right. I’ll do it for me.”

He’d do it for himself _and_ for Viktor.


	17. Chapter 17

**Seventeen.**

Choreography had begun, and Lilia seemed intent to make _Complex_ a dance heavy program. Viktor didn’t stand off to the side and watch like other directors might; no, he joined in and danced along with the group numbers, saying he wanted to get a feel for it so that he knew it was right for the moment. Yuuri secretly suspected that Viktor just knew everyone would work a lot harder if they were dancing with _him_ … but maybe that was only Yuuri doing that.

Their acting lessons in the morning had started to include the choreography as well, which Yuuri was grateful for. The extra practice was needed considering how much less experience he had, and he didn’t want to fall behind. Still, to watch Viktor when they were one on one…he moved with the grace and passion of a much younger man, and Yuuri just followed in his stride. _God_ , he was so beautiful…

“Don’t be afraid,” Viktor said suddenly, jolting Yuuri out of his thoughts mid-step sequence.

“Afraid? Afraid of what?”

“Don’t be afraid to let yourself go,” Viktor said, smiling softly. “Your acting and singing and dancing continue to improve and improve, but you’re still so cautious about it.” He took Yuuri by the hands and pulled him close, and suddenly they were chest to chest and what the _fuck_ —

“You create music with your whole body every time you perform,” Viktor said, his voice intimately close to Yuuri’s ear. “Just hear that music. Follow it. It’s beautiful, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s face felt warm, and for a brief moment he thought wildly, _is he going to kiss me?_

He didn’t kiss Yuuri. Instead, he started to move, and they were dancing again, moving across the floor with the choreography from “Symptoms of a Crush” when Henry started disappearing into a fantasy between himself and Peter. It was all Yuuri could do not to focus on the racing of his heart, but he closed his eyes for a moment and let the music sink into him. He stopped thinking so hard about this step, that step, left, right, forward…

Viktor’s hands left him, and he was moving on his own, singing out all of the fluttery feelings in his chest because they had nowhere else to go but out, and _God forbid_ he actually admit his feelings. A guy like Viktor could never be interested in someone like Yuuri, and he knew that. He was _fine_ with that, really.

It was just really difficult to be so _close_ to him when he had this secret. He wondered if maybe he should at least tell Phichit about it, though he wasn’t really sure how he’d react. He’d probably think Yuuri was a complete fool…and he wouldn’t exactly have been wrong.

“That’s perfect,” Viktor said, his voice warm and fond. “Lilia will be quite impressed if you continue like that.” He ended the sentence with a long yawn, and when Yuuri turned towards Viktor, he was leaning against the piano, eyes tired.

“How much did you sleep last night?” Yuuri asked, smiling in the hopes of keeping the question casual and not accusatory.

“A few hours. I was restless,” Viktor said, shaking his head. “I’m still mulling over the love theme. I’ve been trying to fix it, but nothing I put down on paper sounds right. It’s frustrating.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Yuuri said. “You always do. It’ll be wonderful, Viktor.”

“Of course it will!” he said delightedly. “Honestly with you—and with JJ too, of course—anything you sing will be wonderful. By the way, JJ speaks quite highly of you. He showed me that video of you singing in the park!”

“Eh?” Yuuri said, stumbling a little. “He’s showing it to people?”

“He put it on YouTube.”

“Oh. Great.” _Fuck._

Viktor laughed, and God, if his laughter wasn’t a song all in itself!

 _I’m a mess_ , Yuuri thought. It was another statement that wasn’t exactly inaccurate.

\--

Viktor fainted during dance rehearsal.

They were in the middle of a big number, and Viktor had stepped off to the side, sweating and mumbling, and then he’d promptly _dropped_. Truth was, the rest of the cast only noticed because Christophe promptly stopped playing in order to catch him before he wanged his head against the piano.

“All right, that’s enough for you today,” Christophe said casually, dragging Viktor over to a chair as he fuzzily returned to consciousness. Yuuri didn’t understand why Christophe was acting like this was so normal, why _everyone_ was… Yuuri was so horrified that he couldn’t even breathe.

“Sorry,” Viktor said, offering a sheepish grin towards Christophe. “I guess I overdid it again.”

“You always do,” Christophe said, dialing a number in his phone. “I’m calling you a cab, and you’re going home for the day to rest.”

Viktor didn’t argue with him. Yuuri had to suppress the urge to run over to him, the urge to say something, the urge to fret and worry and maybe cry a little if he got worked up enough. Christophe helped those urges by not giving them the opportunity to be acted upon. He clapped his hands once and returned to the piano and with a nod from Lilia, he said, “All right, from the top!”

The next time Yuuri looked over at Viktor’s chair, he was already gone.

\--

During break, Yuuri sat against the wall with his knees to his chest, letting his concern wallow in silence. He knew he should probably eat something, but his stomach was in knots, and he feared he might vomit. He stared down at his phone. No new messages. Should he send one? Maybe he should have… but if Viktor was finally getting some good rest, then Yuuri might just interrupt it, and then he’d really feel like an asshole. No, he couldn’t do that or he’d never forgive himself. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ …

“You seem stressed.”

Yuuri looked up to see Christophe towering over him, smiling.

“It’s…kind of my default state, honestly,” said Yuuri, evading.

“Yeah, I gathered that,” Christophe said, stepping aside and then sliding down the wall to sit next to him, their knees bumping together briefly. “Don’t worry so much about Viktor though. He does this at least once per show. It just happened a bit earlier than expected, probably because he’s trying to wear too many hats at once.”

Yuuri neither confirmed nor denied that Viktor was the reason he was stressing out. It must have been written all over his face, but he still didn’t say it. He also didn’t mention that this fact about Viktor did not make him feel better, but did in fact make him feel far worse. “You know him so well,” he said instead. “You two must be really close.”

“I guess you could say that,” Christophe said lightly, taking a swig out of a water bottle before passing it to Yuuri to drink. “You don’t give a guy a key to your apartment if you don’t trust him.”

“Yeah…” Yuuri said slowly.

Christophe glanced at him, then grinned. “Do you think we’re a couple?”

Yuuri jumped, face turning red. “Wh-what? I mean—no! I mean—that is—I wasn’t sure…”

“Relax, we aren’t. You’re not the first person to think we are though. I suppose it’s because in a way I do sort of love him.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so Christophe clarified. “So you haven’t figured it out yet? Viktor is my muse.”

Yuuri blinked. “Your…muse? What do you mean?”

“I mean, all of my best music is written with him in mind. I became a better composer the day that I met him. He was so beautiful, and you can’t tell me you didn’t feel something magical the first time you heard him sing, right? A literal stirring of your heart? The whole world was new. I was more inspired than I’d ever been.”

Yuuri’s eyes lit up. “Y—Yes. I…I know what you mean.” Yuuri never would have started singing if it hadn’t been for Viktor. Perhaps he’d been a muse for him as well.

“That’s why I jumped at the chance to write the music for this show. Of course, at the time I thought he was going to star in it, but it didn’t quite work out that way. Still, he came to me specifically because he knows I write music based off of him. He said, ‘this show is very personal for me, so put my heart into it’. I didn’t really know what he meant, but collaborating with him has been great. He’s not just my muse, after all. He’s my friend.”

“I’m just grateful to be a part of it in whatever small way I can,” Yuuri said, and Christophe laughed.

“Yuuri! You still think your part in all of this is _small_? Don’t you realize there wouldn’t be _any_ of this without you?”

“Viktor said he wasn’t sure where to go with the show before, but…”

“He was ready to shelve the whole project,” Christophe interrupted. “He didn’t think it was worth risking because he didn’t hear Henry’s voice. I told _him_ to play the part, but he adamantly refused. The night he met you, everything changed. He calls me up in the middle of the night and tells me to change the song keys because he found Henry. The only voice that could sing the words was you.”  
  
“Oh…” Yuuri muttered. “But…why? Why me?”

Christophe shrugged. “Ask him yourself. I would have just thought it was because you had that incredible voice, but it seems a bit more personal for him.”

Yuuri looked back down at his phone screen. Still no new messages.

“Here, let me help you up.”

Yuuri looked up to find Christophe standing again, and when he took his hand to get to his feet, he felt him slip something cool and metal into his palm. “Keep up the good work!” Christophe said as he waved and sauntered away.

Yuuri looked down at his hand, palm up, as he unfolded his fingers slowly. Sitting there in the middle of his palm was a key. For a moment, he was confused… Was this Christophe’s key? No…

Oh, God it was the key to _Viktor’s apartment_.

He looked up in a panic, but Christophe had returned to the group, talking with Sara and her brother (who _had_ in fact come to every practice, just as she’d said he would). Yuuri wouldn’t dare ask him why he would give him such a thing in front of the others, so he did the only thing he could do. He stashed it in his pocket and tried not to feel like it was burning into his leg.

What was he supposed to do with this? Just…go over there and let himself inside? Just go the fuck inside the apartment without being invited? What kind of creep would do that?!

...Sure, Viktor could probably connect the dots that Christophe gave him the key. Maybe Yuuri could come up with some sort of excuse, like Christophe having to stay late… but if Christophe stayed late at practice, Yuuri would need to be there too. Maybe Christophe would have a date but wanted someone to check on Viktor, so he sent Yuuri…? Viktor and Christophe were close enough to know if Chris was dating someone or not. It would be a risk…

Fuck.

Fuck!

Ah, well…if nothing else, he at least got complimented on his enthusiasm when rehearsal started up again because he did the only thing he could do which was throw himself into his work to shut out those thoughts. He landed every dance move for the rest of the day and never missed a note while singing. He could always fall back on singing to take his troubles away…

...or at least he could count on singing to sweep those troubles under the rug until he was done.

As practice ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes for the night, Yuuri was staring at that key again. He supposed he didn’t actually have to do anything with it, honestly. He could have just gone home and given Christophe the key back tomorrow…

...but there were still no new messages on his phone. No one had heard from Viktor.

Was he okay?

Yuuri forced himself out into the cold, but he found it didn’t clear his worries. Everyone had gone home after practice. Wasn’t anyone going to at least _check_ on him to make sure he was still alive? Imagining Viktor all alone in that big apartment feeling lousy made Yuuri’s heart clench uncomfortably.

This damned crush.

He lifted his hand, calling out for a taxi.

Fuck it. He’d pop into the apartment and just check on him and then leave. No big deal. He’d be there and gone so fast that Phichit wouldn’t even question it when he got home. Not at all.

He let the taxi take him to the apartment, squeezing the key in his hand the whole time. Surely he and Viktor were friendly enough with each other now that it didn’t matter if he came by like this, right? Viktor wouldn’t be offended, right?

Well, he supposed he was about to find out.


	18. Chapter 18

**Eighteen.**

Yuuri spent the entire taxi drive over to Viktor’s apartment trying to talk himself out of it. He was invading Viktor’s personal space without permission and that was absolutely unforgivable, especially considering that Yuuri found his own personal space very important. That was his best argument for not going, and when it didn’t work, he tried to convince himself that he’d misread the entire situation and this key wouldn’t even fit in Viktor’s door. He couldn’t think of any reason Christophe would give him a random key though.

He got up the elevator and to the door before he actually hesitated, and even then it was only for a moment or two. He told himself again that the key wouldn’t fit, but it did. He was standing in Viktor’s apartment. Alone. Without being invited in.

Yuuri took a breath in and let it out slowly. The sun had long since gone down, and New York was glittering outside the windows. Makkachin was nowhere to be seen, so he suspected the dog had taken up with his owner in bed.

He toed out of his shoes and padded across the floor, his sock feet nearly silent in the quiet room. Was Viktor even home? He didn’t hear any movement anywhere in the place.

“Viktor?” he called out. No response.

_Maybe I should just go. He’s not here. I’m being ridiculous. I never should have come._

Suddenly, from somewhere in the house, there was a shuffling, and he turned from the windows to see the bedroom door opening. “Chris? Is that you? Are you here to tell me how rehearsal went or—Oh.”

Viktor was standing there, hair mussed, a silk robe hanging open over his pajamas.

“Hey…” Yuuri said slowly. _Oh, God, dying would be preferable to this awkward moment right now._

“Yuuri?” Viktor queried, blinking sleepily. “What are you doing here? Am I dreaming?”

Yuuri was tempted to say yes, but he really couldn’t predict what would happen if he did. “No, uh… Chris let me borrow his key. I was just…checking on you.”

_Oh, God, please tell me that doesn’t sound creepy. It sounds creepy doesn’t it?_

Viktor blinked, eyebrows raising on his forehead…and then his expression softened. Yuuri wasn’t sure what was happening. Viktor almost looked like he was going to _cry_ …

“That’s so kind of you, Yuuri,” Viktor said, managing a smile after a moment. “Surely you’re already so exhausted from rehearsal. You needn’t have gone to so much trouble. I’m all right.”

“After what happened today, I was just…worried,” Yuuri said, looking at his feet. “I can’t help it. I’m a worrier. I’m sorry…”

Viktor huffed fondly and crossed the floor, settling his hands on Yuuri’s shoulders. “You say that like it’s a bad thing. Don’t apologize.”

“Sorr—” Yuuri started, then stopped himself, clearing his throat. “Everyone seemed to think what happened was normal. I guess I was the only one who’d never seen it before. You really shouldn’t push yourself so hard, you know?”

“I guess not, but it’s how it’s always been... Come, sit down, you’re probably tired from all that dancing,” Viktor said lightly, leading Yuuri to the sofa. “How did rehearsal go? Was it all right?”

“It was fine,” Yuuri said as he took a seat. “Don’t worry about that right now. How are you doing? Did you get some sleep?”

“A little,” he said, slumping heavily onto the sofa next to him. “I kept worrying about what could go wrong without me there.”

He did still look exhausted. Yuuri had hoped seeing him in person would ease his worries, but it wasn’t going anywhere so far. “What’d you have to eat?” he asked, rather than acknowledge those feelings.

It was concerning that Viktor had to think about it.

“Have you eaten anything since this morning?” Yuuri pressed. “ _Did_ you have anything but coffee this morning?”

Viktor blushed, looking a little embarrassed. “Would it sound bad if I said I forgot?”

Yuuri immediately got up and went to Viktor’s fridge. It was…disappointing to say the least. Inside was bottled water, some fruit, a bottle of cran-lemonade juice, and some take-out containers. In the freezer was nothing but frozen dinners. “This is like the fridge at _my_ apartment,” Yuuri scolded. “Phichit and I are poor college students. You don’t have an excuse for this.”

VIktor laughed sheepishly. “Sorry, I’m afraid I’m a terrible cook, so I mostly just eat out. New York is the best city for restaurants after all. I don’t know if I’ve ever even used the stove here.”

“Wait here,” Yuuri said, grabbing his coat off of the back of the couch. “I’m going to the store.”

“The store? Should I come with you?”

“No, you stay here and rest. I’ll be back,” Yuuri said, shoving his feet back into his shoes. “I have an idea.”

Viktor was staring confusedly over the edge of the couch as Yuuri left as quickly as he’d gotten there. The last thing he heard was, “O—Okay then! I’ll just be right here!”

\--

When Yuuri got back, Viktor had fallen asleep on the sofa and was apparently sleeping hard enough that he didn’t stir when Yuuri set the grocery bags on the kitchen table. Makkachin had come out of the bedroom and was watching curiously. Yuuri gave him a little pat on the head before grabbing the apron (which had likely never been used) off of the hook on the wall and tying it around himself, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows, and getting to work.

Yuuri had never considered himself too much of a cook when left to his own devices, but there were certain things he could do really well. He had, after all, grown up in a bath house where they served food to the guests, and there had been many a night back when business was booming that he and his sister Mari had had to step into the kitchen to help.

First he started by putting the rice on to cook. Then he took one bowl and beat an egg, took another and filled it with panko bread crumbs, put oil into a pot. He seasoned the meat with salt and pepper and a few spices his mother had told him were the secret to the best flavor, dusted the chops with flour. He dipped them in the egg, and then into the panko, and then he fried them.

While the pork was resting on the wire rack he’d set out, he broke more eggs and mixed them. In another bowl, he mixed sugar, soy sauce, a little sake, potato starch, and dashi (thank you New York for having an extensive foreign food grocery selection). More oil in another pan, and then he was sauteing onions. He put the cutlet into the pan, poured the sauce mixture over the top of it, and covered the pan. After a minute, he lifted the lid and flipped over the cutlet, sprinkled green onions, and poured in the egg mixture.

It was beginning to smell like home, he thought.

He put rice into two bowls (God, he was grateful Viktor at least had a lot of dishes, even if he didn’t use them), then put the rest on top, setting it out on the table. He was pretty proud of himself, if he was being honest. He went to the sofa and gently shook Viktor until he stirred, mumbling sleepily. “Come. Eat,” he said, and Viktor followed like a lost child.

“What is this?” he asked with wonder.

“Katsudon,” Yuuri said. “A pork cutlet bowl and the specialty of my family’s bath house back home in Japan. The Yu-topia special!”

“Wow! Amazing!” Viktor said. “You made this all for me?”

“Well, I made one for me too,” Yuuri said, holding out a pair of chopsticks. He wasn’t sure if Viktor knew how to use them, but he took them without hesitation, so it seemed likely he did. “I would never pass up an opportunity to eat katsudon.”

“Well, I’m certainly not going to either. It smells delicious!”

Yuuri took a seat opposite Viktor, and he jolted back in surprise when Viktor put his hands together and announced in Japanese, “ _Itadakimasu_!”

“Do you speak Japanese?” Yuuri asked.

“Not really,” Viktor said. “I guess I’ve learned a little bit over the years.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure that was true, but he didn’t have time to question it because Viktor started to eat. Oh, God, Yuuri hoped he hadn’t messed anything up or forgotten anything. He hadn’t even thought about that until this moment, and now he was running through it in his head. Did that, did that, did that…

“Ah! Vkusno~!”

Yuuri looked up, staring. “Sorry, what?”

“It’s so good! This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted!”

He clearly wasn’t just saying that either, because Viktor was absolutely _devouring_ the katsudon like he’d never eaten a meal in his life. He could definitely use those chopsticks too.

“Th—Thank you. I’m glad you like it,” Yuuri said, feeling like the whole room had increased in temperature by ten degrees. Maybe it was just him. He distracted himself from the thump-thumping of his heart by starting on his own katsudon. He did have to admit, it tasted almost like his mom’s back home. It was the closest he’d ever gotten, anyway. “My mom would make this for me whenever I felt lousy,” Yuuri explained. “It always made me feel better, and since you don’t get a home-cooked meal all that often, I thought maybe it might make you feel better too.”

“Oh, it does! It really does!” Viktor exclaimed, somehow managing not to talk with his mouthful despite the fact that he was basically shoveling the food into his mouth. “What’s your mom like, Yuuri? What’s your dad like? Do you have siblings?”

Yuuri was a little caught off guard by the questions. Why did Viktor care about what his family was like? “Mom and dad are good, kind people,” Yuuri said. “They don’t always understand the things I’m into, but… they support me no matter what. Even when I let them down, they’re always trying to cheer me on. I’m hoping maybe someday I can actually do something worthwhile that will really make them proud, instead of choking at the last minute. My sister Mari is the same as them, though she’s not so open with her smiles. She comes across as cold to some, but she’s really protective of me. She’d chase after the kids who used to bully me when I was little. I wish I could do something to show her how grateful I am for all she’s done for me, but I dunno. I’m just not good at that kind of stuff. They’re so much better than I deserve.”

“Why do you always talk about yourself so negatively?”

Yuuri paused, a piece of pork cutlet in his chopsticks near his mouth. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. You are constantly saying things about how you wish you were better, how you wish you could do something great…but you _are_ great, and you _are_ doing great things.”

“Oh…” Yuuri blushed, embarrassed. “I guess I’m just my own worst critic is all. I’m a perfectionist. I think I’ve been doing a little better with this whole believing in myself thing, but…it gets to me still…sometimes… It’s hard.” He set his chopsticks down, staring into his bowl. “It’s so hard… It’s… This is going to sound dumb.”

“That’s okay,” Viktor said. “Tell me anyway.”

“It’s like…sometimes…I just wish I could be literally anybody else than who I am. I wish I could look at myself and not see the chubby face, or that I could sing and dance without immediately over-analyzing what it is I did wrong, or that I could watch other people without thinking I could never, ever measure up to them no matter how hard I try. I wish that… I wish that I didn’t get so overwhelmed from the weight of reality hanging around me. I freak out when bad things happen, sure, but…I freak out when good things happen too because they’re too good to be true, and I’m going to mess them up…and even when I don’t mess them up, I lay in bed and wonder if I even deserve them. It’s really, really dumb… I’m sorry…”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, he could feel tears welling in his eyes. He forced them back down.

“Well,” Viktor said after a long stretch of silence. “I don’t think it sounds dumb at all… but you do deserve wonderful things, Yuuri. I wish that you could see the you that I see.”

“What does he look like?”

Viktor just swallowed another bite of food. He appeared to be thinking about something quite deeply.

“Yuuri…” he said slowly.

“Y—Yes?”

Viktor looked up. “Can you teach me how to make this katsudon sometime?”

“Oh, o—of course. It’s not really hard. I mean it might be a little difficult if you’ve never cooked before…but I’m sure you can do it!”

“I’m looking forward to it,” he said, smiling warmly.

\--

After dinner was over, Yuuri washed all of the dishes he’d used and put them away where he’d found them. Viktor was tinkering around on the piano, but Yuuri quickly shooed him off to bed. “We need you to be well-rested,” he told him. “We’re counting on you, Viktor, so please take care of yourself.”

Viktor nodded. “I’ll do a better job. I promise… and when we win the Tony, let’s have katsudon together again, okay?”

Yuuri smiled. “Yeah. I think we can do that.”

Viktor hesitated for a moment, and he was thinking again. It was obvious in the way his eyes shifted. Then, out of nowhere, Viktor wrapped his arms around Yuuri and embraced him tightly.

“Thank you for checking on me,” Viktor said, “and for making me dinner. I appreciate it.”

Yuuri just blushed and said nothing because his heart had leaped into his throat.

He felt like he floated home to his apartment that night.

\--

The next morning, Viktor burst into rehearsal late, carrying sheet music, and he said, “I’ve rewritten the love song.”

It was a completely different piece than the schmaltzy one in the show. The song was broken and angry, taking place in a low moment where Henry couldn’t find it in himself to be worthy of loving, or being loved by anyone. Peter got angry because to him Henry was the entire universe and ended up begging Henry to see it. It was heart-wrenching, cathartic, emotional...

It was called “Anybody Else.”

Yuuri tried not to read into that too much.


	19. Chapter 19

**Nineteen.**

“You’re humming.”

Yuuri looked up from the dish he was washing to see Phichit staring at him curiously over his homework. School had started back for him, and with Yuuri at rehearsal until late, the apartment had fallen into a bit of disarray, so Yuuri was using his weekend to clean it up. It had been nice to be home and away from the pressure to perform, but Yuuri had to admit he was missing it, and Viktor, a bit more than expected.

Apparently more than he realized.

“So what? I can hum,” Yuuri snorted. “Don’t look at me like you’re in on some dirty secret because I’ve got a song stuck in my head.”

“It’s not about the song, though I’m sure it’s a factor, since it’s the one you’ve been humming all morning,” Phichit explained. “It’s about that dopey smile you’re wearing while you’re humming it. It’s the same smile you had the other night when you came home really late from rehearsal. What’s going on?”

Yuuri blushed.“Nothing’s going on!” he scoffed, hoping he was convincing (he was an actor now, after all). “Can’t I just be in a good mood without a reason?”

“Well, yeah, but usually not without you losing it almost immediately for fear of what you’re forgetting to be anxious about,” Phichit offered with a lopsided grin. “Do you wanna hear what I think you look like right now?”

“Sure?”

“I think you look like some guy that’s in love.”

Yuuri dropped the dish into the sink. Thankfully the water saved it from breaking; un-thankfully, it didn’t stop him from being splashed all down his front when it hit the water. “Wh—wh—what?!”

Phichit laughed, getting up and grabbing a towel to help dry him off with. “Well, there’s that anxiousness I was talking about. I was just joking, but with that reaction now I’m starting to think I was right.”

“I’m not in love with anyone!” Yuuri said, and his defensiveness probably wasn’t helping. “I’ve never been in love in my life.”

“Then how would you know you’re not in love? You have nothing to compare it to.”

“It’s just… It’s just a crush!”

“A-HA!” Phichit exclaimed. “So you _are_ having feelings for someone! As your best friend, I do believe it is time you bestow me with deets.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” Yuuri mumbled, tugging off his now overly damp shirt, hoping to make an escape to his room to get a new one. Phichit seemed content to follow though.

“There so is! I’ve never seen you like this. At first I thought it was just because you were doing such an amazing new thing, but it just seemed to linger too long. Now I know it’s not some _thing_. It’s some _one_. So spill. I promise, no judgment.”

Yuuri tossed his shirt onto the pile of clothes he still needed to take to the laundromat to wash. “How much of a chance do I have of getting out of here without having this conversation?”

“I’d say…slim to none.”

Yuuri sighed, defeated. “Well, I’m not _in love_ , all right? It’s just…a crush. A little one. Insignificant. On Viktor.” His voice got smaller with every sentence until it was barely above a whisper.

Phichit heard him loud and clear. “OMG,” he whispered, covering his mouth with his hand. “Are you… Are you gonna bang him?”

“What?! No! And why are you whispering? We’re alone!”

“You’re the one who’s voice got all soft,” Phichit said, grinning. “Anyway, for real? You’re crushing mega-hard on Viktor? I mean…that’s not all that surprising. I sort of thought he was your celeb crush when I met you. You had all those posters.”

“I can’t believe you’re not laughing at me for being so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. I mean, have you looked at that guy? Every Broadway fan in the city wants to bang him. You should see the posts on Tumblr about him…and they’re not being stupid. They might be being a little silly because he’s a celeb that they’ve never met, but not stupid. You? You’re _definitely_ not being stupid because he’s not _the Viktor Nikiforov_ for you anymore. He’s just Viktor, y’know? Sometimes friends get crushes on other friends. It’s nothing to panic about, unless you’re actually in love with him.”

“Why would I need to panic if I was in love with him?”

“Because love is scary the first time, no matter who you’re in love with.”

“I don’t think it’s _scary_.”

Now Phichit was covering his mouth with both hands, his eyes wide and glittering. Yuuri didn’t understand the reaction until he thought over what he’d just said.

Shit.

“I’m not _in love with him_ ,” Yuuri said firmly. “That would be insane. I’m not that much of an idiot, all right?”

“Dude,” Phichit said. “That’s not an idiot move. That’s living the dream. Everyone always fantasizes about ending up with the celeb that they like, but no one actually does it.”

“I’m not going to end up with Viktor.”

Phichit looked profoundly disappointed. “Why not?”

“Because it’s like you said. People like him don’t end up with people like me.” Yuuri turned away, digging out a clean shirt from the dresser he and Phichit shared. “Because you’re wrong. He’s not just Viktor. He’s still _the_ Viktor Nikiforov, and I’m just me.”

“Yeah, you’re _the_ Yuuri Katsuki, future Broadway star. I don’t see what the problem is. Come on, man, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. Why wouldn’t he be into you? You’re so nice, and you’re smart and talented, and damn, you’re good-looking to boot. You’re the total package.”

“That’s really nice of you to say, but…”

“But nothing! Dude, you should _go for it_!”

Yuuri tugged his clean shirt on with a little more frustration than strictly necessary. “No. Not a chance. You’re out of your mind. I’m not going to ruin what I have with him! Then I’d _really_ hate myself!”

“But what if it didn’t ruin anything? What if he liked you back and you ended up together?”

Yuuri was not even going to entertain that thought. Not at all. Not even for a minute… Well, maybe for a minute… He could allow himself just one minute to imagine that, right? He and Viktor, holding hands and not just to take a bow. Viktor’s hand was warm and soft, just like his smile, and they would hold hands all the time. Then Viktor would pull him to his chest and just bury his nose in Yuuri’s hair, and he’d think Yuuri’s hair smelled wonderful too because they shared the same shampoo. They’d wake up together with the sunbeams streaming across the bed, and together they’d go and get cappuccinos before heading off to practice, all the while talking and laughing and smiling and singing their favorite songs in perfect harmony and so, so, so, so, _so in love_ …

“NOPE! Nope, nope, nope,” said Yuuri, crawling into bed and covering his head with the covers. “Goodnight.”

“Yuuri, it’s ten-thirty in the morning.”

“It is nighttime and I’m going to sleep.”

Phichit sighed and sat down on the bed. “Come on, you always do this... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out..." When Yuuri responded by fake-snoring, Phichit pouted and shook him, crying, “You face this schoolgirl crush like a man!”

“I don’t wanna!”

“What are you gonna do? Just ignore it in the hopes that it goes away?”

“Pretty much!”

“What if it doesn’t go away?”

There was a long stretch of silence after that, and then Yuuri peeked out from under the covers. “Why wouldn’t it?”

“Because you didn’t just start crushing on him recently and you know that. You don’t keep dozens of posters of one guy _just_ out of pure, platonic admiration.”

Yuuri supposed he’d been caught. Maybe he had been crushing on Viktor for a lot longer than he’d previously cared to admit…but honestly, could anyone blame him? Viktor was a dream come to life, and that belief only intensified when Yuuri got to know him as a person. He wasn’t just an unreachable talent… He was vain and forgetful…and sweet and so appreciative…

Shit, he had that dopey smile on his face again, he just knew it. “Well, what should I do, huh?”

“You’ve got options,” Phichit said. “You can just sit on it like you are now, since it seems to be working for you… though there is the possibility of later regret and longing and all that unpleasant stuff that comes with the wondering what if… _or_ you could jump in with both feet and see what happens because it might be wonderful.”

“That doesn’t sound like options. The first one is doable, yeah, but the second one is fucking impossible… You make it sound like it’s so easy, but I can’t just… do that. I can’t go pouring my heart out to him. I might have crawled my way out of the abyss a little bit, but he’s still so far out of my reach. Viktor could have any person in the whole world. Why would he settle for someone like me? I could never compare to him, even a little.”

Phichit looked legitimately sad over that statement. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Yuuri… and I mean, he’s not _perfect_ , you know? He’s a human being just like you, and… when you love someone, you just do. It’s not about whether or not you deserve it. No one should have to feel like they need to do something to be deserving of the love that they feel. Even if we did, you certainly are good enough and special enough to be loved by someone who treats you right.”

Yuuri had to swallow hard around the knot forming in his throat. He sat up in bed and did his best not to look Phichit in the face for fear that he really would start crying. “I don’t know about all that,” he mumbled. “You’re talking so seriously right now. I already told you, I’m not _in love_ with the guy, all right?”

“Okay,” Phichit said, reaching out and giving Yuuri’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Just… think about it, all right?”

Yuuri almost laughed.

Telling him to think about it implied he wouldn’t be thinking about this all day in a constant loop.

“How about we do this?” Phichit offered, folding his legs. “How about you call up Viktor, and we all spend the day together, and I’ll kind of get the vibe off of him, see if he’s interested? You’re shit at noticing when someone likes you, but I can tell.”

“I’m not shit at noticing when someone likes me.”

“Dude, I crushed on you _hard_ for like two years.”

“What?”

“Exactly.”

Yuuri blushed and opened his mouth to say something, but Phichit interrupted. “Before you ask, no, I’m not crushing on you anymore. It’d be kinda like kissing my brother at this point, you feel me? Anyway, what do you say? You wanna call him up and do a little investigative fun?”

“Is this just so you can meet him?”

“Not _just_ so I can meet him.”

Yuuri stared at him flatly, then sighed. “You don’t think he’ll find it weird that I just text him out of the blue, wanting to hang out?”

“You can say you’d like to do something for him as a thank you for all he’s done for you so far.”

“...and you would be there because?”

“I happen to come across the two of you where you happen to be hanging out, and I decide to join you! I’ll even bring Leo and Guang Hong so it just looks like I was hanging out with them.”

Yuuri wasn’t feeling supremely confident about the idea, especially considering how the three of them had acted around JJ. Sure, JJ loved the attention… Viktor probably would too, honestly, but…

“Don’t look so nauseous,” Phichit laughed. “Trust me! I’m the best at coming up with plans. It’ll be perfect. Won’t you at least feel better to know if you have a chance with him?... Don’t look _more_ nauseous!”

“Okay, _fine_. Let’s do it… but we have to play it cool. No fanboy squealing from you or Leo or Guang Hong. As far as you guys are concerned, Viktor’s just a normal guy, okay? A normal… extremely good-looking, extremely talented guy.”

“So text him. Take him somewhere fun, and then meet us at the karaoke bar tonight. Sound good?”

“If he even says yes,” Yuuri grumbled, pulling up the messenger on his phone. God, he couldn’t believe he was doing this. Why was he friends with Phichit when the boy convinced him to do stuff like this?

 _Hey_ , he texted. _W r u doing today?_

Shit, no, he couldn’t send that. It sounded _way_ too casual! He deleted it and tried again.

_Hey good morning_

That was okay, right? Just lead into it…

It took a few minutes but then his phone dinged a reply.

**Hey good morning!! How r u?**

Yuuri wondered if his first text had been fine after all. _I’m fine. Weird to not have something to do today at rehearsal yknow?? Hope u slept better._

 **Haha ikr?** **（＾－＾）i did sleep well last night ty!**

Yuuri swallowed hard, staring at the screen. He tried to think of what Phichit had said to him in the past about being brave. It was okay to be afraid, but he had to do it anyway. It was just a dumb text message anyway, and it didn’t even carry the weight the ones that had passed between them before the audition did. It would be _fine_. Really.

_What are ur plans for today??_

The response was almost instantaneous. **I didn’t have any y???? ( ・◇・)？**

_I thought maybe we could do something together as my thank u gift for all u have done for me_

There. He’d sent it. Now all he had to do was wait for the rejection and hope to brush off the awkwardness at rehearsal on Monday morning--

**I’ll be ready in an hour!!!**

...or, that. Okay.

Yuuri looked at Phichit. “What should I wear?!”


	20. Chapter 20

**Twenty.**

It was great the Viktor said he would be ready in an hour because that at least gave Yuuri half of that time to panic and regret setting the meeting up for now instead of later (like tomorrow, or maybe ten thousand years from now—yeah that would have been better).

Phichit did his best to talk him through it until he calmed down, and then he assured Yuuri that the jeans and shirt he was already wearing were fine for meeting up with VIktor. He explained that he didn’t need it to look like he was trying so hard. “You’re just two friends hanging out. Take the same advice you gave to me. Don’t treat him like he’s famous. He’s just a normal guy.”

Of course Phichit would use his own words against him. His dumb, stupid words.

He didn’t know why he was freaking out though. It wasn’t like he hadn’t spent plenty of time alone with Viktor up until this point, and (most of the time) he was completely relaxed nowadays. Viktor just had that effect on him, he guessed, calming down the screaming in his skull. He always had.

Phichit still basically had to shove him out the door, but by the time Yuuri was on the subway he was feeling a little more at ease. He hadn’t decided what he and Viktor would do before they accidentally-on-purpose ran into his friends, but it would need to be something that would keep them out for a while since Phichit had decided they’d meet that evening. Maybe an activity… And then a meal? What activity would they do though? New York had no shortage of them, of course, but he didn’t want Viktor to be bored. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to look at himself in the mirror if he treated Viktor to a disappointing day off.

He hadn’t come up with anything by the time he got there, and he didn’t even have the time to think on the ride up the elevator because Viktor was waiting on the curb when Yuuri arrived. “Hey! Good morning, Yuuri!” Viktor greeted, lifting a gloved hand high into the air. He was wearing a long, charcoal-gray coat and his hair was shining under the sun. It had to be illegal to be that pretty.

“Good morning,” Yuuri said, though by now it was nearly noon. “Thanks for meeting with me today.”

“I’m so delighted you even asked,” Viktor said, his voice warm and excited. “What are we going to do?”

“Oh, well, uh… I just figured I’d see what you’d like to do.” If Viktor picked the activity, then he’d surely he’d have fun, right?

Viktor’s eyes lit up, and he was smiling that heart-shaped smile of his again. “Fantastic! I have so many ideas!” He grabbed Yuuri by the hand and dragged him back to the street, hailing a cab. Viktor directed the driver towards Bryant Park and sat back, smiling at Yuuri like _he_ was the one spending the day with a celebrity.

“This may sound crazy,” Viktor said, “but as long as I’ve lived in New York, there’s a lot of things I haven’t done. I’ve never to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I haven’t been to the Statue of Liberty. Do you want to go? We could go.”

“Sure,” Yuuri said, feeling suddenly shy. “Wh—Whatever you want to do.”

“Ah! This is so great! I never had a reason to go until now. Those aren’t things you do by yourself, after all.”

“You’ve got a lot of friends though. Why not just go with them?” Yuuri asked.

Viktor’s excitement didn’t disappear, but it did dampen a little. “Oh. Well…” He looked away, considering his answer. “It’s true, I do have a lot of friends, but they’re all in theatre like me. Everyone gets so wrapped up in their work that there’s not a lot of time to bond outside of that… Or at least, that was how I used to think. I always assumed everyone was burying themselves in work, but it turns out the only one doing that was me. Ever since I started doing theatre, I’ve thrown my whole self into it.”

“Yeah, to the brink of collapse,” Yuuri reminded, only thinking after Viktor flinched that maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

“Right,” Viktor said anyway, nodding. “It’s because it was everything to me. I didn’t allow space in my life for anything else. It’s only recently that I started thinking maybe that wasn’t the way to live. It’s why I decided to branch out creatively.”

“What caused that change of thinking?” Yuuri asked curiously.

Viktor looked at Yuuri, and there was a hint of hesitation in his eyes. “Honestly? It’s true what they say. It’s lonely at the top. It didn’t feel like I was doing anything fulfilling anymore. No one was surprised by my performances. I’d put so much of myself into it for so long that… I didn’t think I had anything left.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure what to say. Even though Viktor was smiling, there was sadness in his eyes. “I didn’t know that,” was all he could manage, and it didn’t feel good enough.

“It’s all right. I didn’t tell anyone,” he said lightly. “I probably should have before it got to that point, but I didn’t. I thought I could handle it, and I guess I wasn’t wrong because I did. I just wanted to keep going further. I didn’t care about myself. Does that make sense?”

Yuuri was quiet for a moment, then he smiled ruefully. “More than you know.”

Hadn’t Yuuri pushed himself just as hard? It was why his failures hit him with so much ferocity to the point that he gave up on things before he got started. That desire to be absolutely _perfect_ … It was overwhelming.

Still, the conversation felt a bit personal, especially as sudden as it was, and Yuuri could tell Viktor was feeling awkward about admitting these weaknesses (or at least what Viktor seemed to perceive as weakness). He had to say the right thing to clear the air.

Well,” Yuuri said, “in a way… I’m glad that you got to that point.”

Shit. Shit, that was the _worst_ thing to say.

“I mean!” Yuuri rushed to clarify. “That is… If you hadn’t, you never would have started writing _Complex_ , and I never would have met you. You’ve changed my life, you know?”

“I hope for the better!’

“Absolutely,” Yuuri said, smiling. “I mean… it’s… It’s still a process. I don’t think I’m gonna get over my fears overnight, but…I never would have taken those steps if you hadn’t believed in me.”

Viktor smiled, and he didn’t say anything else, though he looked tempted. It wasn’t the first time Yuuri wondered what he wanted to say, but it also wasn’t the first time he wasn’t brave enough to ask.

They arrived at Bryant Park and Viktor led the way to the ice rink there, babbling on excitedly about how much fun it was to skate and how the rink in Rockefeller Center was always so busy. Viktor was almost as chatty as JJ had been during their meeting, but that was definitely JJ’s natural state. This Viktor was…not. Was he _nervous_?

He _was_. Yuuri was an expert on nervousness. He knew it when he saw it. He supposed he shouldn’t have been so surprised. Viktor had shared some rather personal details of his life in the taxi cab, and maybe he worried Yuuri was going to judge him for it. He made conscious decision right there not to bring it up and to just make sure they had fun.

“I’ve never ice skated before,” Yuuri said. “Will you show me how?”

Viktor smiled brightly, nodded.

\--

For the next hour, Yuuri did his best not to fall on his ass. It was shockingly easier than expected, though he suspected he had his dance experience to thank for his ability to balance and move. Viktor was as flawless on the ice as he was off of it, taking Yuuri’s wrists and leading him around the rink until he got the hang of it and was able to move on his own. Even with VIktor being the one with more experience, it felt a bit like Yuuri was taking a little child out on the town simply because Viktor was so ecstatic to be doing anything.

They left the rink and went straight to the museum, and Yuuri discovered quite quickly that Viktor was well-versed in his art history. “I really liked my art history classes when I started at NYU,” Viktor explained. “I never got to finish them because I got famous, but I still read about art in my downtime. What do you like to read about?”

Yuuri figured it was probably best not to say _I like to read about you and your shows_. “Up until recently, it was music and musical theatre,” he said instead. “I never thought I’d actually be a part of that scene, so it was just my hobby.”

“I still can’t believe you didn’t perform until then with a voice like that,” Viktor said, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’ve got to be honest, the first time I heard you in that library… Wow!”

Yuuri had to place his hand over his heart to keep it from bursting out of his chest. “You flatter me. It wasn’t…that impressive. I mean—it… That is… Well, I wasn’t singing completely properly, and I had my headphones in so I couldn’t even fully hear myself, plus I hadn’t even really rehearsed that song so—”

Viktor was smiling so warmly that Yuuri forgot how to speak and the rest of his words died on his lips. God, did he have to look at him like that? It made him feel like he was the only person in the room. Viktor surely looked at everyone like that, but it still made him feel special.

Too special.

He didn’t need to feel that special or he’d never get over this crush.

“Yuuri, you really should think more highly of yourself,” Viktor said.

“People tell me that,” Yuuri sighed heavily. “I’m…working on it.”

“Well, I’ll just keep telling you you’re great until you believe it, how about that?”

Yuuri really needed to stop blushing so much.

\--

They waited in line forever to get into the Statue of Liberty, but time flew by. Viktor was telling Yuuri stories about the shows he’d been in. He told Yuuri about his first audition, how he’d done it as a joke because his friend had been so gung-ho about trying out and then chickened out at the last minute. He’d hoped to ease his friend’s fears by bombing the audition since he had no experience. Needless to say, it had backfired magnificently and Viktor was whisked away to super-stardom.

“We weren’t very close friends, but he definitely never spoke to me again,” Viktor laughed, shaking his head. “It wasn’t the last time I lost a friend by trying to help them.”

“A friend who can’t support you when good things happen to you isn’t a good friend anyway,” Yuuri said. “My friend Yuuko was always telling me that I should be just like you back when I was a teenager, back uh…back before I messed up at the competition. She was one of the only people I ever sang for that weren’t my parents or my sister.”

“You sound like you may have liked her a lot,” Viktor said, grinning. “A girlfriend maybe?”

“Oh! Oh, no,” Yuuri chuckled. “Don’t get me wrong, Yuuko’s always been beautiful and really nice, but by the time I was old enough to start getting interested in anyone, she was already with someone else. She’s married now, has triplets.”

“Wow!”

“Yeah, they’re good kids. A little overwhelming though. I’m not sure how she manages. Hopefully now that I’m doing what I’m doing I can be successful enough to help make her life a little easier.”

Viktor’s gaze was soft again, making Yuuri’s heart do flip-flops. “You’ll be a star, Yuuri, I know you will. You’ve got talent in spades.”

“I’m not anywhere near as talented as you are,” Yuuri said sheepishly.

“Oh, but you are,” Viktor said, as if that was so obvious. “I’d dare say your raw talent far _exceeds_ mine. It just needed the refining that we’re doing now… and for you to find confidence in yourself. The only person that’s been standing in your way is you.”

“Yeah, that’s what I told Yuri. He uh… he got mad at me,” Yuuri said, offering a small smile. “Still though, he’s probably going to surpass both of us before long, don’t you think?”

“Maybe,” Viktor said. “For someone who gets on your case about getting in your own way, he’s just as guilty of it, albeit in a different manner. Once he matures, he’ll be fine though.”

When they finally got to the top, Yuuri found himself staring out at New York City, still gleaming in the sunlight. “Wow,” he said softly. “It’s quite a view, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Viktor said, “it is.”

Was he looking at Yuuri when he said that? Yuuri didn’t dare glance to find out for fear of being disappointed.

\--

By the time evening rolled around, Yuuri and Viktor had been all over New York. They’d gotten pizza at Lombardi’s for lunch, and Viktor had decided they needed to go shopping after that and proceeded to buy Yuuri clothes that were far too expensive (“I thought I was supposed to be treating you,” Yuuri had said, and Viktor had just shrugged and looked delighted). Once the sun was going down, they were all shopped out, but Yuuri couldn’t just go home, not when he and Phichit had set a plan into place.

Now that it was upon them, Yuuri was feeling the urge not to go through with it.

This was to be expected, he supposed, but still… He’d had so much fun spending time with Viktor even just as a friend that he couldn’t stand the idea of losing him, and if Viktor found out about Yuuri’s stupid feelings for him, he _would_ lose him. Yuuri knew there was no chance it would be anything but awkward between them. He was no good at talking to people when he was embarrassed.

Of course, when he opened his phone to text Phichit that he didn’t want to do it, there was already a message waiting that he’d completely missed earlier.

 _Don’t wuss out on me, Yuuri_ , Phichit had texted.

Figures.

“Hey, Viktor,” he said as they walked side by side down the sidewalk. “Do you like karaoke?”

Viktor’s eyes lit up.

“Is that even a question?”

 _Don’t wuss out_ , Yuuri told himself.


	21. Chapter 21

**Twenty-One.**

The karaoke bar was crowded like it always was on weekend nights, but Viktor didn’t seem to mind. No one seemed to notice it was _the_ Viktor Nikiforov, but Yuuri wasn’t really paying attention anyway. No, he was looking for Phichit and trying to be subtle about it so that Viktor wouldn’t know… But he couldn’t see his friend anywhere in the place.

They got a table at the bar, Viktor already perusing the song list, and Yuuri excused himself to go to the bathroom.

He called Phichit once he was locked safely inside. “Where the hell are you? You told me not to wuss out and I’m here, and you’re not here!”

“Don’t be like that,” Phichit said lightly. “We’re on our way there. Guang Hong suggested we get a ride since it’s cold, and we’re stuck in traffic. Just hang out for a little bit and we’ll make our appearance. Come on, you can’t say you’re not enjoying the alone time, right?”

Yuuri was grateful Phichit couldn’t see how red his face was. “That’s not the point. You set this whole thing up is all.”

“How is it going? What are _you_ thinking, huh? Do you think he likes you?”

“I’m…not really sure how to answer that. I don’t know how much of what I’m seeing is just wishful thinking. I do know one thing though, and that’s that _I_ certainly don’t like him _less_. Fuck… Did you know he likes art history? And tourist traps. He even bought an I-Heart-New York t-shirt at the Statue of Liberty. It was ridiculous.” And he couldn’t stop smiling while he talked about it.

“He’s so normal,” Phichit said. “Who would have thought, right? Like, you see him up there on the stage performing and he’s completely untouchable but when he’s in public he’s just a big dork. I can’t wait to meet him! Come on, asshole, put your foot on the gas! No, not you, the guy in front of us.”

“I’ll leave you to your backseat roadrage, Phichit,” Yuuri said. “Get here soon. I don’t want Viktor to get bored and just leave.”

“Yuuri. He is a Broadway star with an amazing voice sitting in a place where he can show off while consuming a _ton_ of alcohol. You’ll be lucky if you can get him out of the building when it closes.”

He unlocked the bathroom door and pushed it open a crack, peeking out where he could see their table. Viktor had already ordered a drink and was talking politely with a few of his fans who had noticed him and were standing there gushing. He even got up to take a selfie with them, making a heart with his hands. God, did everything he did have to be cute? How fair was that? Here Yuuri was just trying to go about his business and live his life and Viktor had to go and be so damned _cute_ —

“Are you still there?” Phichit asked.

“Y—Yeah… sorry. I’m going to let you go. I’ll see you later.”

“We’ll get there as fast as we can,” Phichit said. “It’s a shame no one else in New York has anywhere to be tonight! Fucking traffic!”

“Phichit—”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll cool it, see you later, bye.” Yuuri hung up right as he heard a loud _Go, Asshole!_ from Phichit.

Yuuri took off his glasses and splashed some water on his face. He didn’t know why he was nervous all of a sudden. He’d spent the whole day with Viktor and hadn’t felt even the slightest bit nervous. _Man up, Katsuki,_ he told himself. _It’s not a big deal. You’re going to be just fine_.

He just had to keep telling himself that until he believed it.

He returned to the table and found a beer waiting for him. “I didn’t know what kind you liked, so I just ordered two of the same,” Viktor said. “If you don’t like it, you can order something else and I’ll pay for it.”

“This is fine,” Yuuri said, though he told himself silently that he needed to be careful not to drink too much and make a fool of himself, though with the nerves he was feeling it was tempting. “Have you decided on a song?”

“No,” Viktor sighed dramatically. “This is always the worst part. I can never pick one. You pick first and I’ll go after you. Oh! Let’s not tell each other what songs we’re singing. It’ll be a surprise. I love surprises.”

Yuuri took a sip of his beer as Viktor slid the song book over to him. He really wasn’t sure what to pick either. Usually when he came out to karaoke he just sat and listened to Phichit’s performances until he got trashed enough to get up there and sing himself. He wasn’t quite as afraid of singing in front of people as he used to be, so maybe he could pull it off, but the liquid courage in his glass was looking all the more enticing the more he thought about that.

“Oh, I don’t know what to sing,” Yuuri said, flipping through the pages. “I guess I’m as indecisive as you are.”

He thought though that perhaps it was time to test the waters a little. Since he wasn’t brave enough to just ask what Viktor’s feelings were, maybe he could pick a song that would imply that. Would he get the message?

Yuuri looked up over the rim of his glass at Viktor and his long nose and his silver eyelashes and his soft, silky hair… Oh, God, what if he _did_ get it and was embarrassed that some fool like Yuuri had feelings for him? Yuuri had begun to think that maybe his feelings weren’t _entirely_ one-sided…but he didn’t know how much to chalk it up to his imagination. Viktor surely treated _everyone_ the way he treated Yuuri. He was just an affectionate guy…right?

Yuuri picked his song silently. _Be brave,_ he told himself. _Do it anyway_.

\--

Once they had picked their songs, they signed up for their turn to sing. Now all they had to do was wait for their turn (and wait for Phichit, Leo, and Guang Hong to arrive). Yuuri finished off his first beer, and maybe he shouldn’t have ordered a second one, but he did.

He and Viktor filled the time chatting, which was amazing because they still had so much to talk about even after spending the whole day together. Viktor had endless stories about his career, and he told them enthusiastically. Of course, Viktor could have been reading the phone book and Yuuri would have been enchanted. He could listen to him speak forever. He just made him feel all warm, and comfy, and blurry around the edges.

Hang on, how many beers had he had? The server kept taking away the empty glasses, so he’d lost track.

Viktor was smiling warmly, pressed close enough to Yuuri in the booth that their shoulders were pressed together. When had they started sitting on the same side of the booth anyway? He was close enough that Yuuri could see the warmth in Viktor’s cheeks, could notice his laughter was a little louder than probably intended. _He’s drunk_ , Yuuri thought.

“Yuuri,” he said, leaning his chin onto his hand. “I really do want to thank you for inviting me out today. I’ve had so much fun."

“I’m glad,” Yuuri said, smiling back at him. Were his words slurring together? “You’ve done so much for me. It’s only fair I do something for you in return.”

“This is more than I expected or even deserved,” Viktor said, and he was so honest about it Yuuri’s heart briefly stopped. “Yuuri, I may have made the offer to you so that you could be in the show, but the rest of it is all you. You did it yourself.”

“Your part that you played was the most important one though!” Yuuri exclaimed, and okay, that was a little too loud so maybe he was a bit drunk himself. “I never would have done anything like this without you! You believed in me, and you’ve always inspired me!”

Viktor’s smile softened all the more, and Yuuri’s heart stuttered to a stop again when Viktor reached out and ran his hand through Yuuri’s hair. “You’ve inspired me too,” he said.

Oh, God…

Oh, _God_ …

 _This isn’t in my head, it can’t be,_ he thought. _He… He likes me._

Yuuri clenched his fists to keep his hands from shaking. Maybe it was the alcohol making him believe it but Viktor didn’t look at other people like this, did he? He didn’t _run his fingers through their hair_ , for God’s sake… No, no, he couldn’t get so caught up in this. Viktor could have anyone on Earth. _Viktor Nikiforov_ wouldn’t want some nobody like Yuuri Katsuki. No one wanted Yuuri Katsuki. Not even Yuuri Katsuki wanted Yuuri Katsuki some days.

Viktor was looking at his lips. He just knew it. How many times did Yuuri have to wonder if he was going to kiss him before he actually did it?

 _Stop, you’re fantasizing, this isn’t real_ , he told himself. _Bring yourself back to Earth. Viktor doesn’t like you…_

Viktor’s hand fell from Yuuri’s hair. “It’s your turn,” he said.

“Wh… What?”

“It’s your turn to sing,” Viktor laughed. “They’re calling your name!”

Yuuri felt like he was moving in slow motion away from the table and to the stage. Viktor was cheering him on with the joy and casual behavior of a man that hadn’t just had a heart-pounding moment. There was no way he was feeling what Yuuri had been feeling.

 _Get your shit together_ , he thought.

Even though was regretting his song choice now, the drum beat picking up followed by the guitar intro, Yuuri held onto the mic stand with both hands and decided to just deal with it. If Viktor didn’t like him like he liked Viktor, then he’d just have to put all of his attraction into this song and get it out of his system. Hell, maybe he’d get a date with someone else out of this, though the idea of dating someone else just didn’t have much appeal.

“ _Have you got color in your cheeks?_ ” Yuuri sang. “ _Do you ever fear that you can’t shift the type that sticks around like something in your teeth? Are there some aces up your sleeve?_ ”

He couldn’t see Viktor that well from up on the stage since the lights on him were so much brighter than the dim bar lighting, but he still saw Viktor shift in his seat when he started to sing. Had he started on the wrong note? He didn’t think so… but he was a bit drunk now, so maybe.

“ _Have you no idea that you’re in deep?_ ”

That had to be all it was. A wrong note. It wasn’t like Yuuri could project a lot of sexiness into a performance no matter how hard he was trying.

“ _I dreamt about you nearly every night this week… How many secrets can you keep?_ ”

...and he was definitely trying.

“ _Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow, and I play it on repeat… until I fall asleep… spilling drinks on my settee…_ ”

Yuuri licked his lips and turned his gaze away from Viktor. He didn’t need to be looking over at him the whole time and ramping up his disappointment, not in a song like this. Even with the twinge of sadness that had settled in his gut, he was going to keep having fun today, damn it.

“ _Crawling back to you… Ever thought of calling when you had a few? ‘Cause I always do. Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new… Now I’ve thought it through… Crawling back to you…_ ”

Fuck, admittedly it was feeling pretty damned good to just sing like this, voice raw from the alcohol and not worried about singing “properly”. Right now it was just all about the _energy_ he was projecting, and again, the beer might have been a factor, but he thought he was doing _damn_ good.

“ _So have you got the guts?_ ”

He’d learned how to act, hadn’t he? Being Yuuri Katsuki the Nobody was sucking hard right now, so he had put on the skin of another character. At least while he was on this stage he could pretend he was the Yuuri Katsuki who was with Viktor, the Yuuri Katsuki who had Viktor eating out of the palm of his hand.

“ _Been wondering if your heart’s still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts…_ ”

He smirked at the audience, even gave a little wink.

“ _Simmer down and pucker up._ ”

A glance at the table revealed Viktor was no longer sitting at it. He’d probably just gotten up to get ready for his own performance. Whatever. He wasn’t going to let it hurt him.

“ _I’m sorry to interrupt. It’s just that I’m constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you._ ”

Oh, wait, there he was at the front of the stage. Wait, why…?

“ _I don’t know if you feel the same as I do… but we could be together if you wanted to."_

Viktor was staring up at him like he was looking at the face of God. That couldn’t be right. Had someone else gotten up on the stage behind him?

“ _Do I wanna know if this feeling flows both ways? Sad to see you go, was sort of hoping that you’d stay. Darling, we both know that the nights are mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day…_ ”

Now that Viktor was right there, Yuuri couldn’t look away from him. He’d told himself not to watch Viktor so that he wouldn’t get disappointed, but… well, he wasn’t feeling unliked now. Yuuri didn’t think anyone had ever looked at him like _this_ , looked at him like he was going to be _devoured_. Yuuri would say Viktor needed to stop giving him mixed signals, but thinking it over, the only one reading signals one way or another was Yuuri. Maybe this was the one he needed to be paying attention to.

“ _Crawling back to you… Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few? ‘Cause I always do._ ”

Maybe Yuuri really didn’t need Phichit to make the call here. Maybe he was finally figuring out how to see it himself.

“ _Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new. Now I’ve thought it through…_ ”

Yuuri sang through the rest of the song on auto-pilot, staring into Viktor’s eyes the entire time. When it was over, the crowd hooted and hollered excitedly, but Yuuri didn’t even hear them.

 _He likes me_ , he thought. _Oh, God, oh…_

_Oh, no…_

Yuuri was grabbed by the arm as he came off the stage, and for a brief second he panicked, thinking it was going to be Viktor, but instead it was Phichit who appeared to have finally showed up. “Dude, that was so electric!” he said excitedly. “We got here right after you started! That was awesome!”

Yuuri looked over where Viktor had been standing, but he was gone. Had he left?

“Oh, my God, it’s really him,” Leo said from behind Phichit, crossing himself as he stared up at the stage. Yuuri turned around, remembering then that Viktor was supposed to go right after him, and there he was, up on the stage with the sleeves of his button-down rolled up to his elbows and a drink still in hand. The crowd instantly went wild the moment they all recognized him.

“He really is more beautiful in person,” said Guang Hong, grabbing hold of Leo’s sleeve.

“What’s he going to sing, Yuuri?” Phichit asked.

“He didn’t tell me,” Yuuri said, feeling his heart thumping in his chest as Viktor glanced at him up on the little stage. “He wanted it to be a surprise…”

The music began, and Viktor popped open a couple of buttons on his shirt, revealing the pale flesh of his collarbone and chest underneath…and then he opened his mouth to sing…

“ _Do I look lonely? I see the shadows on my face. People have told me I don’t look the same…_ ”

Was it fair for Yuuri’s knees to go a little weak? He thought it was.

“ _Maybe I’ve lost weight, I’m playing hooky_ ,” Viktor sang, tossing his hair back out of his face only for it to fall back, “ _with the best of the best, pull my heart out my chest so that you can see it too._ ”

Yuuri wondered if maybe he could get pregnant from this. Sure, he was a man but… _damn._

“ _I’m walking the long road, watching the sky fall… The lace in your dress tangles my neck, how do I live?_ ”

Yuuri turned to Phichit immediately and said, “I need another drink.”

“Bartender!” Phichit shouted, running off for the bar.

“ _The death of a bachelor! Ohh, letting the water fall! The death of a bachelor… feels so fitting for happily ever after, ooh! How could I ask for more? A lifetime of laughter at the expense of a death of a bachelor…_ ”

Viktor was swaying his hips, pressed against the microphone stand like it was giving him money for it, and the whole crowd was seduced. Yuuri was almost sure he’d die of heatstroke before the end of the performance.

“ _Cutting my mind off… feels like my heart is going to burst. Alone at a table for two, and I just wanna be served…_ ”

Then Viktor was looking at _him_ , and…

“ _And when you think of me, am I the best you’ve ever had?_ ”

Was he trying to show him up?

Viktor winked at him.

“ _Share one more drink with me, smile even though you’re sad…_ ”

Yuuri couldn’t believe it. Viktor had seen Yuuri trying to seduce the audience and took it as a _challenge_. Of course he did.

Viktor slid his hand through his hair and set his drink down on the stool so that he could tilt the microphone stand with both hands as he sang, “ _The death of a bachelor! Ohh, letting the water fall! The death of a bachelor… feels so fitting for happily ever after, ooh! How could I ask for more? A lifetime of laughter at the expense of a death of a bachelor…_ ”

Phichit handed him a drink, and Yuuri downed it without even looking to see what it was.

“I’m going to need something stronger than this.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Twenty-Two.**

The sunlight was too bright, Yuuri thought, pulling the blankets over his head. God, his head was _pounding_. He just wanted to go back to sleep and…

...Wait.

When did he get home?

He sat up, eyes wide as he recalled the day before where he’d been spending the day with Viktor. They’d gone all over New York, and then to karaoke, and then…

He looked over at the corner of the room where the shopping bags sat, letting him know that the day did indeed happen and wasn’t some crazy dream, but what had happened after they’d gone to karaoke? Yuuri could remember singing and then Viktor taking it as a challenge, and then he’d started drinking.

Well, that explained the hangover at least.

He crawled out of bed with a small groan and forced himself into the living room where he found Phichit, Leo, and Guang Hong wide awake and playing video games. He wasn’t sure if they’d even gone to sleep.

“Good morning, sleepy head,” Phichit greeted warmly. “Glad to see you’re back with us!”

“What happened last night?” Yuuri asked.

Phichit’s brow furrowed. “What, you don’t remember? We all went to sing karaoke with Viktor. It was a blast. Leo gave him his head shot.”

“I told you to act like you came upon us by chance,” Yuuri said flatly.

“That’s okay, I told him I carried it around with me always,” Leo replied. “He said I was really smart because you never know who you’ll run into in New York!”

“I’m still not entirely convinced he was oblivious to the plan to begin with,” Guang Hong said, “though he did get pretty sloshed last night just like you did so even if he did have his suspicions, he probably forgot.”

“Shit,” Yuuri mumbled, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I don’t remember. I told myself not to drink so much.”

“Yeah, but that was before you took it upon yourself to try and out-sexy Viktor because if you didn’t he wouldn’t respect you,” Phichit said, handing over his controller to Guang Hong so that he could get up and retrieve some water and medicine for Yuuri’s headache. “At least, that was what you told me last night.”

“You didn’t even think for a moment to stop me? I need you to tell me _exactly_ what happened.”

“Sure, dude,” he said, handing over the pills.

\--

“I’m going to need something stronger than this,” Yuuri said.

“Like…what? Shots?” Phichit offered.

“I might need a dunk tank of tequila,” Yuuri said. “He’s so hot that I’m angry about it.”

Phichit looked back at the stage where Viktor had started singing the chorus again, his free hand against his chest, his middle and ring finger sliding _just_ under the fabric of his shirt. “Yeah, you’re right,” he said. “This requires alcohol.”

As Viktor’s song ended, Yuuri led the way back to the table and asked the server to bring shots. This night felt like it was already going down the tubes, so he was at least going to feel good while it was happening.

How? How had he gotten into this _competition_ with Viktor? How was he expected to even keep up with him when it came to being attractive? Would Viktor respect him if he _lost_?

That was the first thought that crossed his mind after he downed his first shot. Viktor was taking his time making it back to the table because he’d been stopped for autographs, so Yuuri was looking through the songbook for his next performance. He was going to _win_ this, damn it.

“Yuuri~! Who are your friends?”

Viktor had finally returned to the table, still with his shirt part of the way open and smiling (that smug bastard thought he’d already won, hadn’t he?).

Yuuri knocked back another shot. “They saw me and came over. Phichit, Leo, Guang Hong,” he said, pointing to each one.

Leo looked like he was fighting not to burst in excitement. Guang Hong just looked on in awe. Phichit was the only one who extended his hand to shake. “Hi, I’m Yuuri’s roommate. Thanks for taking care of him for me.”

“It’s my pleasure,” Viktor said, smile warming at the edges. Yuuri found it ironic that Viktor had been the one to sing “Death of a Bachelor” because it was Yuuri’s heart that was about to burst.

“That was quite a performance, Yuuri!” Viktor continued. “I hope I measured up. Are we doing shots now? How fun!”

“You are a god to me,” Leo said softly. “Can I give you my head shot?”

Yuuri took another shot.

“You carry it with you?” Viktor said, blinking curiously. “How industrious! Of course I’ll take it! You should have just given it to Yuuri though. I’m sure he would have given it to me.”

“He kept you a secret from us up until recently,” Leo said.

Yuuri lifted the gaze from the music book in horror.

“Oh,” Viktor said, shoulders sagging a little.

“He just wanted to keep you all to himself,” Phichit offered both as a joke and as a chance to rescue the conversation from disaster. Yuuri didn’t know what he’d do if Viktor thought Yuuri was embarrassed by him.

“ _Oh_ ,” Viktor said again, but with a different connotation. What did it mean?!

Viktor took one of Yuuri’s shots and knocked it back. Yuuri just stared at his Adam’s apple as it bobbed when he swallowed.

Even his _swallowing_ was sexy, what the fuck? Actually, Yuuri could think of some reasons why that would be the case now, couldn’t he…?

 _Stop thinking about it!!!_ He thought.

“What are you going to sing next, Yuuri?” Viktor asked, squeezing into the booth next to him.

Right, that was what he’d been doing. It was hard for him to focus with all the liquor in him and with Viktor pressed up against him like this. Their bodies were practically molded together, Viktor’s front to Yuuri’s back, as he leaned over his shoulder to look at the songbook. “Maybe this time you can pick my song and I’ll pick yours,” Viktor said.

“We should get to go first since we haven’t sung yet,” Phichit said.

“What Broadway songs do they have? I wanna show Viktor what I can do,” Leo said.

“Maybe we could sing a duet,” Guang Hong said.

“I feel like I’m third-wheeling it hard right now,” Phichit mumbled. He met eyes with Yuuri. Shit, what did he mean by that? It wasn’t as if it wasn’t obvious, but…

Phichit raised his eyebrows, let his eyes travel to Viktor who was still leaning heavily against Yuuri’s back.

_Oh, God, we’re on a date. We’ve been on a date the whole day._

Yuuri knocked back another shot.

Leo, Guang Hong, and Phichit all got up to request their songs, and after some searching Yuuri and Viktor did the same. Yuuri knew he was quickly spiraling towards a full-on blackout and that was probably not good, but it felt right. He tugged at the collar of his shirt; the room was too warm. He needed to get some air, so he stepped outside. Phichit, of course, followed him.

“Dude,” Phichit said excitedly. “He’s totally into you.”

“I know,” he said.

Phichit spluttered slightly. “You… You _know_? Then what am I doing here for? I thought you needed my confirmation?”

“I _did_ , but… I sort of figured it out on my own.”

“Well, he’s not exactly subtle, I’ll give you that. Why do you look like you’re going to throw up? Isn’t this best case scenario?”

“Maybe in my fantasies, but in reality… Fuck…”

“You’re freaking out again,” Phichit finished for him. “Is that why you’re getting wasted?”

“Probably,” Yuuri said, sighing. “I kinda don’t wanna be here right now.”

“Yuuri… this is great. You like him, he likes you. I don’t know what the problem is.”

“It’s…complicated.”

“You’re drunk. It’s probably not as complicated as you think it is.”

“Look, I…I know he likes me, and if I told the young me that this was happening, he’d probably be over the moon, but…he’s still Viktor Nikiforov.”

“So what? You’re Yuuri Katsuki. Get in there and make it happen!”

Yuuri wanted to explain himself further, but Phichit was ushering him back inside and he didn’t get the opportunity. He stopped at the bar and got another beer and hoped to God he didn’t fuck up his future with all of this.

\--

“So… What happened after that?” Yuuri asked Phichit, sitting at their kitchen table.

“You got drunk,” Phichit said, shrugging. “Possibly drunker than I’ve ever seen you. I tried to get you to slow down, but apparently you got super shitfaced while me, Leo, and Guang Hong were up there singing. We sang ‘I’m On a Boat’. You really missed out. It was awesome.”

“I’M ON A BOAT!” Guang Hong and Leo shouted from the living room area on cue, followed by a fit of giggles that likely wouldn’t have been so raucous if either of them had slept at all the night before.

“And then?” Yuuri asked, managing not to wince even though the yelling aggravated his hangover.

“Oh, right. Uh, yeah, you sang Britney Spear’s ‘Toxic’. Did a great job, by the way, really moved the hips. Viktor followed up with a rousing rendition of Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’. Then Leo and Guang Hong sang ‘I’ll Cover You’ from Rent, and it was really cute.”

“Yeah, that’s great, but what did I do?”

“Oh. Yeah, you sat in Viktor’s lap because there wasn’t room for all of us at the table and then you passed out.”

“Oh, my God, _what_?!”

“Don’t worry, he was totally down for it,” Phichit said. “He even carried you out to the taxi when we took you home. It was really impressive, considering he was pretty drunk too. He was sad to see you go, even though you’d been sleeping on him for like a half hour. He totally digs you, Yuuri.”

“This is a nightmare,” Yuuri mumbled, staring at the tabletop. “I sat in his lap and then passed out on him… I made a fool of myself…”

“Hey, at least you didn’t vomit on him.”

“Yeah, you vomited on me,” Guang Hong complained, “in the cab during the ride home.”

“Sorry,” Yuuri managed to say before his fretting turned back inward. “Fuck, I’m such an idiot. I _knew_ if I drank that much I’d do something stupid.”

“He didn’t mind it though,” Phichit offered somewhat sheepishly.

“He’s still my _boss_ , in a sense. Friend or crush or whatever, I never should have… Shit.” Yuuri curled over into himself, fingers worming themselves into his hair. “I never should have been so unprofessional. How will I ever look him in the face again? How am I gonna apologize?”

“I’m telling you, he was fine with it… but if you feel like you need to apologize then just say it. I mean, odds are he was so drunk he doesn’t remember either.”

“I could only wish I were that lucky. Maybe I should call him…but he’s probably still asleep. I don’t want to wake him up if he’s hung over. Should I go over there? No, no, I don’t think I could face him right now. Fuck, but I’ll _have_ to see him tomorrow. We’re doing rehearsal on the actual stage tomorrow with the band and everything. I _can’t_ miss that…”

“Yuuri,” Phichit said firmly. “Just. Calm. Down. It’s going to be fine, all right? First thing’s first. You need to go back to bed and sleep off the headache, and when you get up I’ll make you a sandwich. You’ll feel better after that.”

“I can’t sleep right now!”

“You’re gonna try,” Phichit said, grabbing Yuuri under the arms and half-hauling him back to the bedroom. “You’re gonna get some sleep and a sandwich and you’ll realize that it really isn’t all that bad. I promise.”

Phichit put him in the bed and even tucked him in, giving his head a little pat.

Yuuri stared at him miserably until he shut the door. He took his glasses off and closed his eyes and hoped that when he woke up he could accept what Phichit had told him as a terrible dream.

Instead he just dreamed of the moment he couldn’t remember from the night before.

Sitting in Viktor’s lap even though the other boys were gone from the table, head pillowed against his shoulder, he watched vaguely while Viktor scrolled through his Instagram on his phone. He’d taken pictures of their trip that day, the art museum, the statue of liberty—Yuuri didn’t know when he’d taken that picture of him at the ice rink. He looked _good_ in that photo, smiling, wind blowing his hair back, cheeks flushed from the cold. VIktor must have sneaked the shot.

Yuuri laughed a little. “Is that the me that you see then? The one you never answered me about?”

Viktor looked down at him, confused. “Sorry, what?”

“You said,” Yuuri slurred, “back at your apartment that night…that you wished I could see the version of me that you see…but you didn’t tell me what he looks like.”

Viktor smiled, hand brushing through Yuuri’s hair. “He looks like you look. He is no different.”

Sober Yuuri would have probably pushed it, but Drunk Yuuri found that to be a perfect explanation. So perfect in fact that he laughed again and nuzzled, actually _nuzzled_ Viktor’s neck. Viktor’s hand left his hair and instead settled on his shoulder. “He might be a little less drunk than you are,” Viktor offered.

“You’re drunk too.”

“I suppose I am,” Viktor agreed, setting his phone down on the table. “You know what else you are though?”

“What?”

“Cute.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened. Had he seriously heard that?

“You’re so nice to me,” Yuuri said softly.

“You’ve been very nice to me too, Yuuri. Nicer than a lot of people have been to me.”

“Who’s been not nice to you?” Drunk Yuuri thought was a proper response. “Everyone loves you.”

Viktor’s smile looked sadder. Maybe it was just in this light.

“I’m trying to think of what to sing next,” Viktor said, promptly changing the subject. “What’s your favorite song, Yuuri?”

“Any song you sing.”

Viktor’s hand squeezed Yuuri’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything else… or at least he didn’t until Yuuri was drifting on the dregs of blissful, drunken slumber.

Then, Viktor said, “My favorite song is any song you sing too.”

Though that was probably just Yuuri’s imagination.

Probably.


	23. Chapter 23

**Twenty-Three.**

Viktor didn’t say anything about Yuuri’s behavior when he showed up to rehearsal.

To be fair, Yuuri didn’t say anything either, but his was more out of cowardice than anything else. When he’d come in on Monday morning, he’d done it with the resolve to talk to him about it, try to explain himself as best he could, and hopefully move on from it, but the day had been too busy (or at least that was Yuuri’s excuse) and nothing had been discussed that wasn’t strictly about the show.

It was a little easier to ignore than expected, but that had a lot to do with the fact that performing _Complex_ on stage, even if it was just a workshop stage, was a surreal feeling. It made it seem so much closer, so much more legitimate.

This was all really happening…

The band playing really brought the music to life and it was enthralling to sing with one since Yuuri hadn’t ever sung with anything but a piano. He was hitting his cues and loving every minute of it. It was funny how much better his performances became when they weren’t what he was actively concerned about.

...Though it did help to see how bright Viktor was beaming every time Yuuri did a great job.

Still, there would be no Yuuri Katsuki without worry and anxiety, and since all of those unpleasant feelings were going into his fears about his drunken behavior, he had to channel all of his energy into something constructive. That lead to a lot of late nights of staying up to refine his dance moves, which remained by far the weakest of his abilities. In just a couple of weeks they’d be performing for the investors and journalists who would write reviews, and Yuuri wanted to be perfect. He wanted them to get to that big stage on Broadway with the orchestra pit and the full sets. He wanted it not just for Viktor, but for himself now.

Yuuri had the house lights on in the theatre as he moved across the stage alone, going over the choreography for what had to be the eight-millionth time. No one, not even Lilia, had a complaint about how he was dancing, but the more certain he was of his steps, the less likely it was that he would surely flub them in front of an audience. He at least got to practice his songs at his voice lessons with Yakov, but the dancing could only be done during rehearsal. Everything had to be _perfect_ …

“You’ve got stamina, I’ll give you that.”

Yuuri stumbled and came to a stop, turning to find Yuri Plisetsky watching him from the audience. Yuuri had no idea when he’d come in.

“Oh… Hey,” he said awkwardly. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question, but I think you’ve already made it clear what it is you’re doing.”

Yuuri hated that Yuri’s neutral expression looked agitated. He could never tell if he was actually angry about something or not.

“Sorry,” he said. He didn’t know why he said it.

“Start from the beginning,” Yuri said, arms crossing over his chest.

“Uh…”

Yuri propped his feet up on the chair in front of him and waved a hand. “Go on then.”

With no idea what else to do, Yuuri returned to the middle of the stage, fumbling with his phone. He took the headphones out of the jack and let the music play over the speaker. It was likely small and tinny sounding from where Yuri sat, but at least he could hear it. He returned to doing the steps—one, two, three, one, two, three…

Yuri was watching him, intense and silent. It made Yuuri’s heart race nervously, so he tried not to look at him.

What was he doing here in the middle of the night? He’d never actually answered the question. Maybe he was upset about something and needed to get away… But Yuri didn’t seem the type to run from his problems. He seemed more the type to yell at his problems until they straightened themselves out. Then again, he was still just a teenager so his power was limited even with the perks of being relatively rich and famous. Maybe he had family issues. Yuuri hadn’t really learned that much about his family during their day out since all Yuri had really talked about was his career. He was a lot like Viktor that way.

The song came to an end. Yuuri cautiously looked back towards Yuri.

The younger boy let his feet drop to the floor, and he stood, shoving his hands into his pockets. “It was perfect. Will you go home already?”

Yuuri stared blankly for a moment. “P—-Pardon?”

“You’ve been doing this staying late thing every night and Viktor wouldn’t shut up about it so I came here to see why you were so worried. There’s no reason behind it except your own stupid thoughts because your dancing is just as good as everyone else’s. So. Go home.”

“Viktor’s been talking to you about me?”

“Viktor talks about you to everyone. You’re all he ever talks about,” Yuri complained. “If he said one more time that he was worried he was pushing you too hard I was gonna straight up barf.”

Yuuri blushed and looked at his feet. He hesitated a moment, wondering if he should dare ask… “Did he… Did he say anything else about me?”

“Like what?”

“Something…that I did? Something that was embarrassing?”

Yuri stared flatly. “Tch. If you’re asking if he did anything other than fawn over you like the dumb ass that he is, then no. Ask him about it yourself. Fuck, why don’t adults ever talk to each other?” He turned on his heel and started for the door.

“Yuri?”

The boy didn’t turn around, but he did pause.

“Thanks for looking out for me. I feel much better about my dancing now.”

“Whatever,” Yuri said, sauntering out, and Yuuri thought his voice might have been just a little warmer than it had before.

\--

“So, are you and Mr. Director an item or what?”

Yuuri looked up from his lunch to see JJ with his typical confident grin. Apparently Yuri Plisetsky hadn’t been exaggerating when he said that Viktor had been talking about him to everyone.

“Um… no…” Yuuri said slowly. “Did he say that?”

“Nah,” JJ said, sitting down next to him. “I did see the Instagram photos though. You two spent the whole day together, right?”

“Yeah, but I did that with you and Yuri too.”

“We didn’t _document_ it though!”

“You put a video of me singing on your YouTube page.”

“Over ten-thousand views by the way,” he said, waving it off. “That’s just advertising for our show. Anyway, you’re seriously telling me you guys aren’t a thing? Crazy!”

“How is that crazy?” Yuuri asked before taking a bite of his sandwich. He hoped the redness in his face could be blamed on the dancing they’d been doing right before they took a break.

“Um, duh. Because he doesn’t act like this with anyone else. I’ve known Viktor a long time. Maybe not as long as some of these other folks here, so I can’t say how he was at the beginning of his career, but, up until this point, every time I interacted with him it was like he barely noticed anyone was there,” he explained, eyes looking off into the distance as he remembered. “He was always so focused on his career which seemed so dumb to the rest of us because it was like he didn’t even have to try to be good, y’know? He just wanted everything to be super perfect, and _man_ , when you messed up in rehearsal in front of him… Like, he’d smile and encourage but shit, his eyes were as cold as ice. You could tell he was pissed off. Fucking savage.”

Yuuri had never heard talk about Viktor like that. He couldn’t reconcile the mental image with the version of him that existed in Yuuri’s reality. It was weird.

“So,” JJ continued talking, had likely not stopped even while Yuuri was deep in thought. “I get this call from him saying he wants me to be in his show, and I’m honestly shocked he even remembers my name. Of course, this is _Viktor Nikiforov_ so I’m not going to say no. It’s a great career move. I show up to rehearsal though expecting the Ice King, and instead he’s this big puppy dog. I thought maybe it was just the creative freedom at first, but then I saw the way he interacts with you. It’s just different. _He’s_ just different.”

Yuuri probably couldn’t blame the redness in his face on the dancing now, considering how much deeper red he turned. “That doesn’t mean _I_ was responsible for the change. Maybe he changed before and that’s why he acts the way he does around me now.”

“Maybe,” JJ said, laughing. “He could just be getting soft in his old age, I guess!”

“Twenty-seven isn’t old,” Yuuri said flatly. JJ just laughed harder.

“All I’m saying,” JJ said when he was done, “is that the timing between you showing up in his life and him becoming a nicer dude is pretty close together and there might be some overlap.”

Yuuri sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. “I guess I just don’t see the appeal in me that would cause such a great change in him.”

“I guess that’d be a question for him.”

Yuuri nodded, but he wasn’t sure he needed to ask. He couldn’t help but think back on previous conversations he’d had with Viktor, moments where he’d spoken about the overwhelming power of his loneliness and how his career had left him empty.

To some it might have seemed odd that Viktor didn’t seek closeness with his co-stars when he felt so alone, but Yuuri knew how much easier it was to seal oneself off in order to avoid disappointment.

Viktor had relied on his career because it was the only thing he’d been certain wouldn’t fail him. He was a perfectionist, just like Yuuri. If things didn’t go exactly as imagined, then the discouragement that followed made it feel like it wasn’t worth it. It seemed the only difference between them was that Viktor was stuck perched far too high up in a cloud of fame while Yuuri had been left deep underwater in an ocean of anxiety. Viktor hadn’t allowed Yuuri to shut himself out though… Yuuri had opened up and Viktor had met him right where he was, there on solid ground. He didn’t know exactly what he’d done to return the favor to Viktor, but he could at least see that it was happening somehow. Did it really matter why?

Yuuri looked over at JJ to discover he had still been talking the whole time he’d been thinking. Yuuri hadn’t caught a word of it, but he nodded and pretended like he had. It seemed to be another story about Isabella, so he figured he could connect the dots.

“Sometimes you just know,” JJ said. “You see someone and the light clicks on, and you say, ‘Oh, my God, I’ve been waiting for you my whole life!’ It really is that fast. Love is just amazing like that.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

\--

The investors were coming tonight.

This was the moment where they’d put on their first performance for an audience, the moment where they’d be put in the position to get the show promoted from a workshop to an off-Broadway performance or to a full-on Broadway stage (JJ had told him this usually took years but with Viktor’s name on it and the buzz already floating around on the internet because of it, it probably wouldn’t take nearly as long). Phichit, Leo, and Guang Hong were coming to support Yuuri’s opening performance, his “big Broadway debut” as Phichit had said, even though it wasn’t actually an accurate phrase.

It was just a small performance with a small audience… Save for the very, very, _very important investors_ who could make or break their show.

Yuuri was on the verge of a full-on panic attack.

When it had gotten too hard to breathe, he’d left the backstage and ended up vomiting in the bathroom until his stomach had nothing left. Now he sat on the floor the stall hating himself, certain he was going to fail Viktor and ruin any chances of the show making it to the stage. God, what was he even doing here? He was a fucking amateur! He couldn’t sing in front of an audience!

“Shit…” he whimpered, feeling hot tears burning in his eyes. The urge to vomit returned, but since there was nothing in his stomach, all he could do was dry-heave.

 _This is a nightmare_ , he thought.

 _You’re so_ **_pathetic_** , he thought.

 _There’s someone coming in here_ , he thought.

Sure enough, he heard the bathroom door clap shut and feet moving across the linoleum floor, coming to a stop in front of the stall he was in. Yuuri clamped his hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs and prayed whoever it was would just do their business and get the hell out.

They didn’t.

There was a gentle knock on the stall’s door.

Then, softly, “Yuuri?”

It was Viktor. Of course it was.

Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut, biting down on his bottom lip, silently begging that he’d just give up and walk away, but he didn’t, and he wouldn’t.

Viktor knocked again. “Yuuri, please let me in.”

Yuuri felt lightheaded and dizzy, but he stumbled weakly to his feet. His breathing had calmed down and his stomach had settled, but when he reached out to unlock the stall door, his hands started to shake. The panic tried to rear its ugly head again, only this time because of the shame he felt.

The bathroom was so silent that Yuuri heard Viktor place his hand softly on the other side of the door. He didn’t speak, but it was enough of a gesture to convince him to open up.

Yuuri couldn’t look at him when the stall door swung open, but he didn’t have to. As soon as Viktor could see him, he was wrapping his arms around Yuuri, pulling him close to his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri managed to croak out.

“For what?” Viktor asked.

“I’m going to mess up. I can’t do this. We’ve made it this far, and I can’t…”

The tears were welling up again. Shit, he didn’t think he’d had an attack this bad in a while.

“You’re not going to mess up, and you can do this,” Viktor said. “You’re so wonderful, Yuuri. You’re going to shine.”

“I’m not wonderful. I’m not. All I’m good at is making a fool of myself like I did at the karaoke bar.”

“You didn’t make a fool of yourself. You were just having fun. I had a great time that night with you. You’re allowed to cut loose once in awhile… Has that been bothering you this whole time?”

Yuuri’s lack of an answer still qualified as one.

Viktor huffed fondly into Yuuri’s hair. “Well, if it puts you at ease, it didn’t embarrass me at all. In fact, I was grateful you were comfortable enough around me to have so much fun. Most people are so intimidated by me they stop seeing me as a person and take everything so seriously. Yuuri, don’t ever be afraid to talk to me about this sort of thing, okay? I promise I’ll listen.”

Yuuri sniffed, nodded.

Viktor pulled away from the embrace and snagged some toilet paper out of the stall to give to Yuuri. Yuuri wiped his eyes and blew his nose. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I should have known this would happen.”

“Stop apologizing,” Viktor said kindly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. The first time is scary, but you’re going to be great.”

“How…” Yuuri turned slowly towards him, finally meeting his eyes. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because you _are_ great, and because you’ve worked harder than anyone else in the cast to be here. I believe in you. We all do.”

Yuuri wanted to cry again, but he’d done more than enough of that already, so he forced it back down. “Thank you,” he said softly. “That’s all I need… I just need you to have more faith in me than I do.”

“I have all the faith in the world in you, Yuuri. It’s why I picked you.” He dug in his pocket and pulled out a mint, handing it over. “Swish some water in your mouth and then use this. It’ll take the bad taste out. Do you feel better?”

“I do.”

Viktor smiled. “Good! We’re all going to meet backstage shortly. I will see you there!”

Yuuri did as Viktor told him to do and even splashed some water on his face. He didn’t normally feel this good after an anxiety attack ended. Usually he felt tired and wrung out, numbness setting slowly in until he slept it off. Now though he felt… lighter. He felt ready to perform. Perhaps it was because he’d never had anyone talk him down before because he’d always gone off by himself. No one had ever thought to look for him… No one but Viktor.

He could do this.

He could do this for Viktor.

He could do this for himself.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for 1,000 kudos! here's a double update

**Twenty-Four.**

The show went off without a hitch.

It was a miracle, Yuuri thought. A real miracle.

A miracle of their own making.

Yuuri felt he had done well. He hoped that the reviewers and the investors felt the same way, but by the time they did their bow he felt so euphoric he really didn’t care what they thought. He’d had a great time, and even if it never got further than this, he was so grateful just to be able to experience it. The pride on Viktor’s face was worth the entire world.

It wasn’t anything to worry about right now. They weren’t going to know anything tonight, or probably even for weeks. Viktor had a lot of people to talk to and a lot of plans to make, and they had a lot more shows to perform, so Yuuri decided to just take things as they came.

When he left the building, he found Leo, Guang Hong, and Phichit waiting for him outside. Phichit was blubbering like a baby.

“Did the show really affect you that much?” Yuuri asked, laughing a little.

Phichit wrapped his arms around him and sobbed, “I’m so proud of you!”

“Oh,” Yuuri said, surprised. “Uh… Th—thank you.”

Since Phichit couldn’t seem to stop crying dramatically, Guang Hong filled in as his voice. “You really did an amazing job!” he said. “We knew you were good, but we were still really surprised. The whole show was great.”

“Can’t wait to see it on the big stage!” Leo chimed in. “You’ll get us some discount tickets, right?”

“I’ll do my best,” Yuuri said, “but right now we don’t even know if we’ll end up doing it on a big stage, and there’s a possibility that even if we do it won’t be on Broadway. They might open it in Chicago or another big city first. It all depends on what the investors decide and what Viktor decides.”

“I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about,” Leo said. “Everyone in the place loved it. You should have heard what they were saying when they left.”

“The stuff they said about _you_ when they left!” Guang Hong added. “It was pretty awesome.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile, still patting Phichit on the back. “Really?”

“Yeah, dude!” Leo said. “Now the three of us are gonna buy you dinner. I bet you’re starved, right?”

“Wait, wait,” Phichit said, at last able to find his voice. “We have to take a selfie to commemorate this moment.”

“Your eyes are all red and your nose is running,” Guang Hong said.

“It doesn’t matter!” he shouted firmly. “This is _important_!”

They all gathered in to take probably the worst selfie Phichit had ever done. The three of them looked good though, mostly because Yuuri just couldn’t _stop_ smiling.

\--

It was late, but Yuuri was still too hyped up to sleep, so he sneaked out of the bedroom to not disturb Phichit. He settled in on the sofa and opened his laptop, pulling up Skype. He was glad the time difference lined up so that his sister was online.

It took a moment or two for Mari to answer the video call, but when her familiar face appeared on the screen, Yuuri felt the sagging, relaxing feeling of home wash over him, even though it was thousands of miles away. “Hey,” he greeted her in Japanese.

“Yuuri,” she said, “it’s been a while.”

“Sorry,” Yuuri said. “I’ve been really busy with the show.”

“Yeah, Mom said something about that. What was that all about anyway? She said you didn’t give her a lot of details, just that it was a big opportunity for you.”

“I didn’t want to say too much because I was afraid to get her hopes up too high. But we had our opening night tonight, and it went well, so I…I think I’m going to be all right.”

“You performed in front of an audience? Good job, Yuuri.” She smiled the same easy smile he was used to seeing on her. It strengthened the warm, homesick feeling.

“Don’t be too proud,” Yuuri laughed sheepishly. “I still threw up in the bathroom beforehand.”

She leaned her cheek onto her hand, expression curious. “So?” she queried. “You gonna tell me about all this or not?”

Yuuri pursed his lips, trying to decide the best way to phrase it. After a moment, he decided on, “Do you remember the Broadway star I was such a fan of when I was younger? Viktor Nikiforov?”

“The handsome guy? Of course I do. You would never shut up about him.” She grinned.

“I met him,” Yuuri said, feeling weirdly delighted with the way Mari’s eyebrows shot up. “He heard me sing by chance, and he offered me the lead role in his show.”

“Are you for real?!”

Yuuri nodded. “It’s been…insane. We’re just a workshop production right now, but we could move to Broadway if we get the right investor. Of course, if that happens I’ll get you and Mom and Dad tickets. I just didn’t tell anyone because for a long time I couldn’t believe it myself…”

“That’s so amazing. Like a modern day fairytale. I always knew you had it in you, little brother.”

“I wish I’d been as sure of it as you are. It is kind of a fairytale though…”

A corner of Mari’s mouth turned up. “You’re blushing. Tell me what else is going on. You’ve got yourself a somebody?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No, no! I don’t! I mean—well… It’s sort of complicated.”

Mari just raised her eyebrows, urging him to continue.

“It’s just… I’ve spent a lot of time with Viktor, and I…I think I like him…and I think he likes me.”

“That doesn’t seem so complicated.”

“Trust me, it is.”

“Why, does he have a significant other? Are the paparazzi after you guys?”

“No, and not so far, no. It’s… He’s _him_ , and I’m _me_. Isn’t it obvious?”

“That you two are separate entities, yes, it is obvious. The rest of it, not so much.”

“I don’t…” Yuuri sagged, his smile growing sadder. “I don’t deserve him.”

There was a moment of silence on the other side, Mari staring with an unreadable expression. He knew Phichit had scolded him about this before, told him that no one needed to be deserving of love, but he couldn’t help how he felt.

“I don’t deserve him,” he repeated when Mari said nothing. “He’s so talented and smart and beautiful… I’ve literally idolized him for years, and the reason he likes me is just because he’s lonely. Over time, he’d get tired of me. I just know it.”

“Do you really think that? Or is that the anxiety talking?”

Yuuri offered a small, rueful smile. “Both, I guess. But it’s _true_. He could have anyone on Earth with the snap of his fingers. Why would he want me?”

Mari hummed thoughtfully. “Well, I’d say probably for the same reasons you listed. You’re talented and smart and beautiful too, little brother, and you’ve got a big heart. You’ve got the world at your feet now, so don’t be so afraid to go running out into it. You’ve earned your chance to be happy, all right? You can’t sabotage yourself now.”

“You’d think that I couldn’t, and yet here I am doing it anyway.”

“Well, maybe you just need to take a step back from your feelings a little bit. There’s a possibility that you might be able to see something you’ve been missing if you really look without the lens of your insecurities. You might _see_ that Viktor’s got more reasons. Of course, you could just _ask_ him, but I know you’re not going to do that.”

“Everyone keeps telling me to ask him all of these things, and I can’t so… Yeah, you’re right.”

“Just look. See. You might be surprised.”

Yuuri nodded. “I…I will,” he promised quietly.

“Now. Tell me about the show. You can’t just tell me it’s run by Viktor Nikiforov and not give me any details.”

He smiled. “Well, it’s about a guy named Henry…”

\--

 _Complex_ ran as a workshop for two months, and in that time they made necessary adjustments to the script and music to improve the flow. Yuuri tried to avoid the reviews for fear of what they would say, but having a social media obsessed roommate made that nearly impossible. At least all of the things Phichit would tell him every morning were good.

“Viktor Nikiforov took a risk in casting an unknown as his lead, but as always he should never have been doubted,” Phichit had read off of his phone over breakfast one day. “Yuuri Katsuki is a breath of fresh air.”

On another, he read, “ _Complex_ is emotional, colorful, and full of heart. The great casting by Viktor Nikiforov along with the beautiful score by Christophe Giacometti is surely to thank. The two have worked together before, but it’s made abundantly clear that when they’re both at their best, together they can make something memorable.”

One morning he just read twitter posts from the audience the night before.

Interest had definitely grown rather than waned, since the small workshop was having trouble holding all of those who wanted to see the show. They were performing to sold out crowds every night, and that definitely looked good to the investors. Yuuri, who once had choked in front of only three judges, was now performing to a full audience without a care in the world. Every performance he grew more confident in himself; with every review Phichit would read to him in the morning, he was more sure that this was what he was meant to do.

Then came the night of their final performance in the workshop, and they took their final bows. Yuuri found himself crying because it was over.

Still, he couldn’t dwell on it too long. Even if he wanted to go home and mourn the loss, he had a party to attend. Viktor had invited everyone back to his apartment to celebrate the successful run. Yuuri just hoped he’d be able to tell them that this wasn’t the end, but the beginning.

“Why don’t you ride with me over to the apartment?” Viktor offered as they left the building. It was the first thing he’d really said to him that wasn’t show related in weeks. Neither of them had had time for anything personal.

“Sure,” Yuuri said, offering a small smile.

The cab ride was mostly quiet. Viktor was bouncing his leg, looking out the window. Yuuri wondered what had him so bothered.

He was not one to keep Yuuri wondering for long.

“We’re going to Broadway.”

Yuuri jolted. “S—Sorry. What?”

Viktor turned towards him, eyes shining. “You know what I said. I was going to tell everyone tonight.”

Yuuri felt like all of the air had left his body. “We’re going straight to Broadway.”

Viktor nodded, smiling like the sun.

“Wh—Why tell me now?”

“I couldn’t hold it in anymore!” He started laughing, seemingly relieved to have it out in the air. “I can’t believe it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really was afraid we wouldn’t get there! We’ll be moving to the Hudson Theatre on W 44th in just a couple of months. I haven’t even told Christophe. I wanted—I wanted to tell you first.”

“Why me?” Yuuri asked softly.

Viktor reached out and took Yuuri’s hand, squeezing it. His voice was warm and honest as he said, “I couldn’t have done it without you. This show wouldn’t exist without your part in it because I never would have been brave enough to move forward with it until I heard you sing. That’s why I wanted to take this opportunity to show you how much I appreciate it by telling you first.”

Yuuri turned his hand around in Viktor’s and gave it a gentle squeeze back. “I guess we were both lucky that night you came into the library.”

“I guess we were.”

\--

The party kicked off with gusto in the Cloud Lounge on the 54th floor of Viktor’s apartment. Music played and drinks were served, but Yuuri was determined not to drink after how he’d behaved at the karaoke bar (even if Viktor hadn’t been embarrassed, Yuuri still was). He only had a glass of champagne when Viktor got up on the pool table and announced to the rest of the cast that they would be going to Broadway since they wanted toast to their good work.

No one else (at least those who were of age) had any issue with getting drunk. Yuri took great delight when they set up Guitar Hero on one of the televisions and he proceeded to kick JJ’s ass. Otabek beat Yuri at the game right after, of course, so his winning streak was short lived, but he still bragged about it whenever he could, even if JJ seemed mostly unfazed and happy to just be there with his fiancee.

The night wore on. Chris had a date too, Yuuri noticed after a bit. The brown-haired gentleman had appeared to come up sometime in the middle of the party, and he and Chris were sitting terribly close to one another, talking in soft voices. Sara and Mila had found places at the bar and Sara’s brother Michele had actually gotten distracted from his sister for once by arguing with the bartender (and the bartender appeared to be enjoying it immensely). Georgi was losing rather magnificently at pool to Otabek (who was apparently just good at everything). JJ and Isabella were cuddling on one sofa, and Yuri was asleep on another.

Actually, everyone appeared to be accounted for except for Viktor.

Yuuri looked around, but Viktor was nowhere to be seen. He actually hadn’t seen him in quite a while. He set his glass down on a table and unnoticed made his exit from the party. Viktor wasn’t in the hall either, but Yuuri knew there was one place he could have gone.

A trip down the elevator led him back to Viktor’s apartment where he found the front door unlocked.

Yuuri let himself inside.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a double-update! please read chapter 24 first!

**Twenty-Five.**

Viktor was sitting at the piano with Makkachin lying next to the bench. He wasn’t playing any particular song, just tinkering, but he stopped when Makkachin lifted his head. Viktor turned his head, curious.

“Oh, Yuuri,” he said softly. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Yuuri said, carefully removing his shoes before stepping further into the apartment. “I just saw you weren’t at the party anymore, so I wanted to see where you’d gotten off to.”

Viktor’s lips quirked with a smile, and he turned back to the piano. “I came back down to make sure Makkachin got fed. He gets fussy if I don’t.” The dog put his nose on Viktor’s knee at the mention of his name, so Viktor stroked the top of his head.

Despite the smile Viktor was wearing, there was an air of melancholy hanging around him. If Yuuri had been the same as he used to be, he would have quietly excused himself before trying to make awkward conversation about it, would have assumed Viktor wanted to be left alone, but…

No.

Viktor had come to find Yuuri when he’d been upset. He hadn’t left him alone because somewhere inside himself he must have known he didn’t want to be suffering by himself. It was just the kind of person Viktor was.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, approaching sheepishly, tugging at the sleeve of his shirt.

Viktor seemed surprised by the question. “Oh. Yes, I’m fine,” he said. “I was just thinking about some things. Things about the show…things about my life. It’s been a busy year. Only now that I’ve slowed down for a moment do I realize how much I haven’t addressed in my mind.”

Yuuri considered moving to stand by his side, but he thought that might be too close, so instead he sat himself on the arm of Viktor’s sofa. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Viktor hummed thoughtfully, played a little improvisational melody. “It’s just funny, I suppose, that this show is the first success I’ve had in awhile that I feel excited about when…” He hesitated, fingers stilling on the keys. He even worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “It’s funny because it’s a rose-tinted version of a great tragedy of my life.”

Yuuri’s heart skipped a beat. “What do you mean?”

Viktor was silent for a beat before responding. “When I was younger, back home in Russia I was poised to become a great writer. I’d gotten an acceptance letter from New York University, and when the summer was over, I’d fly out. I’d been lucky because all of my extra-curriculars and high grades had made me look good, plus I’d learned the English language fluently. This was all because of my mother. She wanted me to be the very best I could be. Her father had trained me in music, both vocally and on piano. I’d wanted to be an opera singer, but she’d told me that writing was more practical. She wasn’t _particularly_ fond of me going to school in the city where my father was from, but the scholarship was too good.”

Yuuri knew what had happened to Henry in the play, so he could guess where this was going. “You had a lover.”

Viktor laughed a little. “I did. Another music student of my grandfather’s. He wasn’t very nice, so I’m not certain what it was I saw in him. He had a beautiful voice, so perhaps that was all. I’m a bit pathetic when I hear a beautiful song. This was Russia though, so we kept it quiet. My mother _certainly_ wouldn’t approve.”

“She found out though.”

Viktor nodded, sighing. “It’s a folly of youth. You think you can sneak around and get away with anything. She found us in bed together and she and his parents basically gave us two options. Either we would renounce our feelings and repent, or we would be disowned. He renounced. I didn’t.” He looked up at the ceiling, some of his sadness fading, despite the story. “I didn’t want to deny who I was anymore. If my lover wasn’t ready for that, that was fine, but I didn’t want to keep hiding. I was about to move to New York. I wanted to care about myself more, and I could do that with my new start to my new life. Another folly of youth, really, thinking that being alive is so simple.

“My mother kicked me out, and I took what little I owned and sold it for my plane ticket to New York. School didn’t start for another couple of months, but I thought I could manage. I didn’t realize New York was so expensive though. I ran out of money very, very fast. I went hungry many nights. I didn’t even have any friends in New York because I had never been there. I sang on street corners for money, but it didn’t really cover my rent. See, this is where the story starts to diverge. I didn’t seek out my father to connect with him. All I wanted from him was money.”

Viktor looked ashamed of himself for admitting such a thing.

“Did you find him?” Yuuri asked quietly.

Viktor shrugged. “I did, but I never actually spoke to him. I searched for weeks for information, but when it came time to knock on his door, I lost my nerve.” He laughed then, but it felt forced, like he was trying to find it funny when it absolutely wasn’t at all. “That’s actually when I came up with the idea for _Complex_. I started writing it as a novel in my spare time between my part-time jobs and my panhandling. I thought if I wrote it out how it played out in my head, I wouldn’t be so disappointed in myself. Of course, I never really got it finished.

“A couple of weeks after I started it, Yakov found me on a street corner just singing like a bird! He told me he’d train me, and when I said I didn’t have the money and explained my situation to him, he demanded I stay with him until school started. He looks like an old grump, but he really is a big softie. I got into a dormitory after school started, and then, of course, I got discovered, and the rest is history. I found the notebook I wrote _Complex_ in a year or two ago, and I decided to take a second shot at it. I thought if I approached it with all of that so far behind me, I could write myself a show and perform it objectively, but it just dragged out a lot of feelings I’d had buried. I couldn’t perform it myself because I felt like a liar. I wasn’t Henry. I was never as brave as him. I was never as loving as him. I didn’t have friends like he did.”

Viktor’s smile had completely faded then, shoulders sagging with the weight of his sadness. He looked as close to tears as Yuuri had ever seen him, except for the time when he’d been singing “Being Alive.” Yuuri was frozen in place just like he had been then as well.

“Yuuri…do you know exactly why I wanted you to play that part?”

“No,” he said. “It’s actually a question I’ve asked myself several times. I mean, you sort of told me, but…”

“I saw myself in you. I not only could see the dedication to your craft, the time you’d put into your training, the raw talent... but I could see that loneliness and the desire to be better. I thought that no one who could sing like you should ever have to feel that way. All these years I had forgotten to do the one thing I’d set out to do when I left home. I’d forgotten to take care of myself. I didn’t want that to happen to you. I believe someone would have inevitably found you without my intervention, but I didn’t want you to lose sight of yourself along the way like I did. I wanted to help you because I thought it was too late for me. If nothing else, I could at least break the cycle before it began, you know?”

His smile returned, but he still wasn’t looking at Yuuri, instead just staring at the keys of the piano. “See, I’m not very good at explaining my feelings. It’s been easier in the past for me to shut myself out, keep myself at a distance. I guess I was afraid to get close to anyone for fear of rejection when they saw past the image of me that had been created. Maybe my mother messed me up more than I allowed myself to believe. The only way I’ve ever been capable of expressing myself is through music, so I know to some I’ve come across as very cold. I didn’t want you to be like that, so I pulled you into this little fantasy. And yet that fantasy became a reality, and not only did you become better and less lonely, but...so did I. I sought out to help you, Yuuri, and you helped me instead. I really don’t deserve all that you’ve given me. The fact that you’re sharing in this dream with me makes it feel like just that, a dream. I’m so… grateful.”

The tinkering on the piano became a melody Yuuri recognized. Viktor was playing an intro to a song.

“Songs always said what I couldn’t get out quite right,” Viktor said. “Their messages always made everything that was muddled in my head seem so clear. I think that’s why I love musicals so much.”

Viktor played the intro again, falling quiet. Yuuri thought perhaps Viktor was just done talking, now that he’d aired his sadness. Maybe he was just embarrassed and really did want to be left alone…

...but then he started to sing.

“ _I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes… They’ve seen things that you never quite say… but I hear… Come out of hiding, I’m right here beside you… and I’ll stay there as long as you’ll let me…_ ”

...and it hit Yuuri like lightning.

Oh, there you are. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.

“ _Because you matter to me… simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody... You matter to me... I promise you do, you matter too… I promise you do, you’ll see…_ _You matter… to me…_ ”

“ _It’s addictive the minute you let yourself think_ ,” Yuuri started to sing, catching Viktor off-guard as he got to his feet and approached the piano, “ _the things that I say just might matter to someone…_ ”

Viktor stared up at him as if he’d never anticipated that Yuuri might actually join in on his duet, that Yuuri might sing his feelings too. Ever the expert though, his fingers never faltered on the keys. Yuuri wondered how many times Viktor had sat in this spot alone and played this song over and over because it spoke to him… just like all of the times Yuuri had listened to Viktor's songs over and over.

“ _All of this time I’ve been keeping my mind on the running away, and for the first time I think I’d consider the stay…_ ”

Viktor looked away, smiling a little, looking almost nervous, almost too cautious to hope.

Yuuri could have laughed because for so long he had been so sure that he couldn’t possibly deserve Viktor…

 _“Because you matter to me… simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody…_ ”

...and here was _the_ Viktor Nikiforov who felt like he couldn’t possibly deserve Yuuri.

 _"You matter to me… I promise you do, you matter too… I promise you do, you’ll see…_ ”

Phichit had been right, though. It had never been about whether or not one deserved another.

“ _You matter to me…_ ”

When one loved someone, they just did.

Viktor played through the interlude, and Yuuri moved closer until he could sit on the edge of the piano bench next to him, and he couldn’t help but think this was the first time they’d really sung a song together since the night they’d met.

In harmony, they sang together, “ _You matter to me… simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody… You matter to me…_ ”

Yuuri wanted to tell Viktor that he too was so thankful to have joined this dream with him. He wanted to tell him that, while the hurt of his past might not be gone, he didn’t have to look upon it with sadness anymore.

“ _Come out of hiding I’m right here beside you, as long as you’ll have me_ ,” Viktor sang.

He wanted to tell him that it was safe to let his wall come down now. They could both come together and face their future head-on and let the past go, just like Henry had done in the show.

In tandem, Yuuri sang, “ _I promise you do, you matter too…_ ”

He wanted to tell Viktor he was in love with him, and he had been since the first time he’d heard him sing.

“ _I do promise you do, you matter to me_ ,” sang Viktor, while Yuuri sang, “ _I promise you do, you matter to me…_ ”

He wanted to tell him so many things, but suddenly he felt like he didn’t have to _say_ anything.

“ _You’ll see_ …” As they sang together, Yuuri reached up a hand and cupped Viktor’s jaw, gently turning his head so that they were looking at one another.

“ _You matter to me_ …”

The final note rang out on the piano.

It was timed perfectly with Yuuri leaning in and pressing his lips to Viktor’s.


	26. Chapter 26

**Twenty-Six.**

The kiss ended as quickly as it began.

It was only when Yuuri pulled away and witnessed Viktor’s silent, slack-jawed expression that he thought maybe he shouldn’t have been so bold.

 _That was your first kiss_ , he realized as he and Viktor continued to just _stare_ at each other.  _Viktor himself said that kisses on stage don’t count, so that was your first kiss_.

_Your first kiss was with Viktor Nikiforov._

_Holy shit!_

When Viktor finally spoke, it felt like it had been hours. Yuuri was too afraid to check his phone and see how much time had passed for real, but he suspected it was just a handful of agonizingly long seconds.

Those seconds only got longer when Viktor said, “What was that for?”

Yuuri was gobsmacked. Had he misread the entire situation? Had his burst of self-confidence that led to him making a move just fucked him over? Oh, crap. Oh, _shit_.

“I just wanted to,” he managed to say, voice small and feeling like it was a thousand miles away from his body. “I thought… I thought that…”

 _I thought that you wanted me to_ , his brain supplied, but it wouldn’t come out. He didn’t want to be wrong. He couldn’t _possibly_ be wrong because he’d been so _sure_ Viktor was interested. _Everyone_ was. Viktor had just said he wasn’t very good at expressing himself though, so maybe everyone had misread him… But the _song_ though!

“Yuuri,” Viktor said, face breaking out in a grin. “I can see the wheels turning in your head.”

“I’m sorry!” Yuuri cried out, panic overflowing. “I thought...I thought we were having a moment, and I—”

“Surprised me,” Viktor finished before Yuuri could.

“...Huh?”

“You surprised me. You’re always surprising me,” Viktor said, and his expression was so warm and so soft and so… _happy_.

“Well, you like surprises,” Yuuri offered sheepishly, feeling a blush creeping across his face all the way to the tips of his ears.

“I like _you_ ,” he said.

Yuuri opened his mouth to speak again, but before he could speak, Viktor’s hand was wrapping around the back of his neck and pulling him back in for another kiss.

 _Your_ **_second_ ** _kiss was with Viktor Nikiforov~!_ supplied his brain unhelpfully. It was a pleasant thought, at least.

The second kiss started out as gentle as the first with just a firm press of Viktor’s lips against Yuuri’s. It still made Yuuri’s whole body feel like it was melting, the heat from Viktor’s hand pressing into his neck and setting him on fire. Viktor pulled away after a moment, but only by an inch or two, his eyes half-lidded and his smile soft. His mouth was shining, and Yuuri didn’t want to stop tasting him.

Kiss number three decidedly followed that desire.

Yuuri dove back in with enough enthusiasm that Viktor had to reach out to the piano to steady himself, playing a few clashing notes on the keys. The piano bench still couldn’t really hold the two of them, so they clumsily toppled off and Yuuri found himself lying on the floor with Viktor on top of him. With their chests pressed together like this Yuuri wondered if Viktor could feel his rapidly beating heart through the fabric of their clothes. It certainly felt like said heart was going to explode from his chest.

Viktor’s hands framed Yuuri’s face, and he kissed Yuuri a fourth time, a fifth, a sixth, each one gentle but lingering. Now that he’d started, he just couldn’t seem to stop himself.

“Viktor…” Yuuri said as Viktor pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, to the hinge of his jaw, to the pulse point in his neck…

“Yuuri,” Viktor breathed against his skin, voice low, and whatever Yuuri had thought he was going to say went flying out the window. His hands drifted up Viktor’s back, his eyes rolled back in his head, and his mouth fell open. Viktor took that as an invitation.

When their mouths met again, Yuuri was surprised by the tentative press of tongue. Yuuri had never kissed anyone _at all_ , so this was certainly a new experience. He wondered how many people Viktor had kissed, if his lover back in Russia had been good at it. Oh, God, what if Yuuri was _bad_ at it? He hadn’t even thought about that when he’d dove in! Oh, shit—

Viktor slowed down, then sat up, straddling Yuuri’s waist. His brow furrowed in concern as he looked down at him, and he said, “I’m sorry. Am I going too fast?”

“E…Eh?”

“You seemed like you were feeling it, but then you got rigid, like you were uncomfortable.” Viktor’s expression fell, his hand brushing through Yuuri’s hair. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “Should we stop?”

Yuuri was quiet for a moment, and then…he laughed. Viktor looked all the more alarmed and confused, but Yuuri really couldn’t help himself. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just… I can’t believe this is actually happening. I haven’t done this before with…anyone. I’m not sure if I’m even doing this right. You’ve probably kissed so many people…”

“Three.”

“Huh?”

“Three people,” Viktor said. “I’ve kissed three people romantically. You included.” He leaned back over, foreheads pressing together. “None of them have ever made me feel like this when they kissed me.”

Yuuri’s breath hitched. “How are you feeling, Viktor?”

Viktor smiled softly, stroking Yuuri’s hair again. “Warm,” he said, “happy… I… don’t really know how to put it into words.” He laughed. “I just told you I’m not good at explaining my feelings!”

“I’m not very good at it either,” Yuuri said, wrapping his arms around Viktor’s neck. “I’m… awkward, and I’m clumsy with my feelings. I still don’t know how you could possibly like _me_. It’s all so surreal to me…I just want to be…worth it.” He averted his gaze, embarrassed.

Viktor huffed fondly. “Yuuri…you’re worth everything. Now...would you like to maybe move off of the floor?”

“Probably should.”

Viktor climbed off of him and held out his hand to help Yuuri up. Once they were standing, Yuuri wondered if the air would stagnate and the moment would end. Instead, Viktor just embraced him slowly, sighing into it like he was coming home. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time,” Viktor said softly.

“I know,” Yuuri admitted. “I figured it out along the way, but I thought it had to be imagination… and when I realized it wasn’t, I thought you deserved better than me.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“Uh… Well, I got a little impulsive, I guess. And everyone kept telling me it’s not about who you deserve. If you love someone, you just do. If they love you, they just do. I figured if it works, just…go with it.”

Viktor was silent for a moment, his embrace tightening slightly. Yuuri didn’t understand why until he finally spoke. “You love me?”

His voice was more gentle and vulnerable than Yuuri had ever heard it. It made Yuuri’s heart shatter. When was the last time someone had told Viktor that they loved him? Not his talent, not his shows, but _him_. _All_ of him.

“I…I’ve never been in love before,” Yuuri said, pressing his face into Viktor’s shoulder, “but I do know that I haven’t felt this way about anyone else either, so… I’ve decided to call this feeling love. Of course, I wouldn’t ask you to make a decision like that right now. Everything is still so new, and I wouldn’t want to force you into anything you can’t be sure of—”

Yuuri abruptly stopped talking as he pulled back from the embrace to see tears rolling town Viktor’s cheeks, getting caught in those long, silver eyelashes.

It must have been even longer than Yuuri thought since someone had told Viktor they loved him.

“Viktor,” Yuuri said, reaching up to part the hair away from his face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you—”

“I love you,” Viktor said, voice clogged with tears even as his face broke out in a smile. “I think I may have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri was grateful Viktor had his hands on his waist, otherwise he might have floated right up out of the room. He took Viktor’s face in his hands, thumbs brushing away the stray tears. “Silly me, up on the table, singing like an idiot? You fell in love with _that_ me?”

Viktor could have waxed poetic at that moment, given some long-winded speech about all of the wonderful ways he fell in love with this Yuuri or that Yuuri, and the look on his face even made him seem like he was tempted to do so. He didn’t, however. Instead, all he said was, “Absolutely,” and promptly kissed him again with all of the affection he could muster.

Yuuri’s brain didn’t rudely interrupt this time, allowing him to relax into the moment, pressing himself flush with Viktor. Viktor went slowly, tilting his head and parting his lips, tentative at first. His tongue swept slowly over Yuuri’s bottom lip, then slipped carefully inside Yuuri’s mouth. Yuuri mostly just tried to follow what Viktor was doing, and it felt like he was doing okay. It certainly felt good from his own perspective, but it helped that Viktor was extremely talented at kissing, just like he was at everything else.

The best thing Yuuri thought to do was to get lost in the moment, and get lost he did. The next thing he knew, his back was against the nearby wall, and Viktor’s hands were sliding up under the fabric of his shirt. His mouth had moved to Yuuri’s neck, hot and panting against the skin. Viktor couldn’t seem to get enough, hands seeking to make as much contact as possible. Yuuri’s head was spinning with emotion and prospects and Viktor, and Viktor, and _Viktor_ …

Viktor’s leg pressed between Yuuri’s, and somewhere in all of this Yuuri found himself fumbling with the buttons of Viktor’s shirt. _What am I doing? Isn’t this too fast? Should I stop?_ He thought. He already had the shirt open though, and Viktor definitely didn’t seem to be slowing down.

 _Shit_ , Yuuri thought. It seemed like every time he really started enjoying himself he started thinking too much about it… But what if this _was_ too fast? What if they got to the point of no return and woke up with regrets in the morning? Viktor had been drinking at the party. What if he was a little drunk? What if he wasn’t at full capacity to make these sorts of decisions? Not to mention the fact that Yuuri had _definitely_ never done _that_ before…

Viktor had dropped to his knees, fingers hooked into the waistband of Yuuri’s jeans, and he was looking up at Yuuri like he was prepared to worship. There was hesitation in him too though; Yuuri could see the flicker of it in his eyes when he looked up. He was worried.

“We don’t have to,” Yuuri said softly, hand settling on the side of Viktor’s face. “It’s okay.”

Viktor’s lips parted in wonder. It was like he’d never considered that a possibility. Perhaps his previous lovers had been demanding. “You don’t want to?” he asked, slightly breathless.

Yuuri lowered himself to his knees so that they were on the same level, arms wrapping around Viktor, head settling on his shoulder. “I do want to,” he said. “Just… Not right now. It’s just been an emotional night. It’s better not to be too hasty, y’know?”

Viktor sagged against him like he’d never been so exhausted in his life. “I want to make you feel good,” he said.

“Just being here like this is enough. You don’t have to do anything to make me feel good.”

Viktor shuddered like he was about to cry again, but he didn’t. Instead he just kissed Yuuri’s shoulder and held him a little tighter. “Please stay tonight. We don’t have to do anything. Just share my bed with me. Will you?”

“I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.”

\--

There was an awkwardness that filled the air when they separated. Yuuri didn’t acknowledge it out loud, but he could tell that Viktor felt it too, since he promptly excused himself to go wash his face. Yuuri settled on the sofa and Makkachin promptly climbed up there with him, settling his head comfortably on Yuuri’s lap for head-pats.

So…were he and Viktor a couple now?

He hadn’t really asked. It had been very much a heat of the moment thing, months of unresolved sexual (and romantic) tension coming to a head. Yuuri didn’t even know if people were supposed to _ask_ about that sort of thing. He’d never _had_ a relationship, so he had nothing to compare it to. That was, admittedly, a bit of a godsend since he wasn’t sure how he could possibly compare a previous relationship with one involving _Viktor Nikiforov_. It really did feel too good to be true, which was probably why Yuuri was even fretting about it.

Surely, _surely_ , they were an item now. A couple. Boyfriends. Partners. Something.

They’d told each other they loved one another. That’s what people in relationships did, right?

But what if Viktor didn’t want to put a label on it? What if that would look bad for the show that they’d all worked so hard on? It was probably pretty scandalous for the star to be sleeping with the director. What if they thought Yuuri didn’t actually get the part on his own merits and only because Viktor wanted to…

Well, no, they hadn’t _slept_ together, had they? Of course, people would probably _assume_.

Oh, God, what if this messed up _everything_? The whole reason Yuuri had hesitated with his feelings to begin with was out of fear of that, and only now was he remembering... but what had happened between him and Viktor didn’t feel like a mistake, didn’t feel wrong.

In fact, nothing had ever felt so right in Yuuri’s entire life.

He was still trying to rationalize his way through the anxious thoughts when Viktor came into view in front of him, face washed and pajamas on. He was holding some clothes and looking uncharacteristically shy. “I thought you might be more comfortable,” he said, holding out the clothes.

Yuuri wondered what time it was and if the party was still going on upstairs or if everyone had left. Had they noticed Yuuri and Viktor were gone? No one had come to find them…or maybe they had and no one had answered the door because they were… _distracted_.

“Thank you,” Yuuri said, taking the clothes and settling them on the arm of the couch since Makkachin had taken up residence in his lap. “Um…”

“I’m sorry,” Viktor said suddenly, catching Yuuri off-guard.

“For what?”

“The way that I acted. I was…too eager.”

Yuuri huffed and reached out, grabbing Viktor’s hand. “If you recall, I was the one who made the first move.”

Viktor squeezed Yuuri’s palm gently, staring at their entwined hands rather than at Yuuri’s face. “I wanted to,” Viktor said, pouting. “You beat me to it.”

“You had plenty of opportunities,” Yuuri teased good-naturedly, hoping to lighten the mood.

“I didn’t think you’d be happy with somebody like me.”

Yuuri stared. And stared.

“What?”

“I’m bad with my feelings, and I’m obsessed with my work,” Viktor said, smiling even though the set of his brows was sad. “There’s a reason why I’ve had so few relationships before now, and why the ones I did have didn’t last. I felt a connection with you from the moment we met, but I tried to restrain myself because I didn’t want to disappoint…or hold you back.”

Yuuri was quiet for a moment.

Then, he said, “That was you restraining yourself?”

Viktor snorted a laugh, shaking his head as he slumped down onto the side of the sofa not occupied by Makkachin. He didn’t say anything else, instead just wrapping his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders and letting him lean in close. Nothing else needed to be said. The awkwardness had dispelled instantly.

Yuuri’s fears and worries were still there, and likely so were Viktor’s, but they could wait until morning.

Tonight, they had both earned a reprieve.


	27. Chapter 27

**Twenty-Seven.**

The first thought Yuuri had upon waking was— _this is the most comfortable I’ve ever been in my life_.

The second thought he had was— _this isn’t my bed_.

He knew this because his bed back at home was an old, cheap mattress that often left him feeling more tired when he woke than when he went sleep. It sufficed as a bed, but what he was laying in now was no bed. No, _this_ was a fluffy cloud in Heaven. He decided he must have died last night, which made sense because he had _kissed Viktor Nikiforov_. No one could have lived through that. It was honestly the only explanation that made sense.

And yet when he cracked open his eyes, even with his glasses off he realized he was still quite alive. He was just in Viktor’s luxurious king-sized bed, tucked in close to him with Viktor’s arm draped over him as he slept. They appeared to have been pushed together not just by the desire to be close but by the fact that Makkachin had climbed in on Yuuri’s other side and taken up residence against his back. Yuuri certainly didn’t mind.

_You kissed Viktor Nikiforov!_

He still couldn’t get the thought out of his head. The night before had been an absolute whirlwind, and it still didn’t feel possible, and yet here he was, sharing Viktor’s bed and his personal space like it was the most natural thing on earth.

Yuuri closed his eyes, smiling as he squeezed himself in just a minuscule closer, pressing his face into Viktor’s chest. In the soft, morning light with Viktor’s slow, careful breathing, Yuuri didn’t think he could ever be more relaxed. Wildly he thought that he’d like to wake up like this every day for the rest of his life. He wanted to be in this bed. He wanted to be with this person.

He was all the more certain that he really was in love.

Viktor shifted then, his previously draped arm bending to entangle a hand in Yuuri’s hair. He let out a small, snuffling sound and placed a lazy kiss to Yuuri’s forehead.

Yuuri hummed. “Good morning,” he said, voice still hoarse with sleep.

“It is,” Viktor agreed sleepily. “This may be the best morning I’ve had in awhile, and I haven’t even had my coffee yet. Fancy that.” His Russian accent was much more noticeable in the morning. Yuuri liked knowing that about him.

“Do you want me to make coffee?” he asked.

“No,” Viktor sighed peacefully, nuzzling against the top of Yuuri’s head. “I want you to stay right here with me. I’m not ready to let you go yet.”

“You’ll have to let go of me eventually,” Yuuri said, grinning.

“That’s what you think,” Viktor laughed, rolling on top of him and kissing him sweetly until Yuuri was breathless. It was glorious.

When they parted, Yuuri was sure he was smiling, stupidly blissful. All of the sadness and vulnerability that Viktor had been wearing the night before had made its exit. He was as bright and warm as springtime now. Yuuri would dare say he’d never seen him so bright.

“You’re so lovely,” Viktor said, hovering over Yuuri with his elbows planted on either side of Yuuri’s head. “So beautiful.” He immediately started trailing his lips down the line of Yuuri’s jaw.

Yuuri squirmed, blushing. “Viktor…”

“I love your eyes, and I love your hair, and I love the shape of your face,” Viktor said, punctuating each part of the statement with another peck. “I love your voice. I love your mind. I love your smile.”

“I love _you_ ,” Yuuri said and promptly kissed him silly, rolling him over so that he was the one on top of Viktor instead. He looked down at the man—his tousled, silver hair and his heart-shaped smile and _God_ , Viktor thought that _he_ was beautiful?

Viktor reached up and touched Yuuri’s face, thumb brushing along his cheekbone. For a moment all either of them cared to do was enjoy the quiet warmth of each other.

It was Viktor who broke the silence first.

“I suppose I should ask you if you’ll be my boyfriend,” he said. “I may need to take you on a proper date first though, if I want to be respectful.”

“I think we already went on a date.”

“It must have been a pretty lousy one considering you didn’t kiss me at the end of the night,” Viktor laughed.

Yuuri laughed too, falling down onto the bed next to him. Makkachin stirred from the movement, huffed irritably, and moved to the corner of the bed. “Consider it a delayed reaction,” he said. “Sorry I’m a little slow on the uptake.”

“It’s all right. I suppose I was a bit on the slow side myself,” Viktor said, pulling Yuuri back in close. It was like he couldn’t stand not to touch him. “So, will you be mine then?”

“As if you even have to ask. Of course I will,” Yuuri said. “You may have to pinch me once in awhile to remind me it’s really happening though.”

Viktor grinned, hand sliding down Yuuri’s back to pinch Yuuri’s rear through his pajama bottoms. Yuuri yelped in surprise and Viktor laughed gleefully.

At least that alleviated one of Yuuri’s fears, he supposed, but there was still his other concerns lingering at the back of his mind. Now that they’d made their relationship status official, it reminded him that there was still the issue of people misinterpreting what had gone on between them until this point, people writing off their show and Yuuri’s ability to perform.

“So,” Yuuri said, “I think… I think we should keep this between us.”

Viktor’s smile didn’t fade completely, but it did dim a little in his confusion. “Why?”

“People might talk,” Yuuri offered, running his hand gently up and down Viktor’s side. “They might dismiss _Complex_ because they think you only hired me because I’m your boyfriend, you know? We all worked so hard on it, and besides, it’s no one’s business but ours, right?”

“Yeah,” Viktor said, but he didn’t sound entirely confident in the answer. “Sure. You’re… you’re right.”

“Are you…okay with that?” Yuuri asked hesitantly.

“Of course!” He at least sounded like he meant that, though Yuuri couldn’t be positive. He hoped that his insecurity about it was just in his head.

“Okay,” Yuuri said, closing his eyes again. “Why don’t we sleep a little longer, and then I’ll teach you how to make a traditional Japanese breakfast?”

Viktor was bright and sunshiny again, snuggling against Yuuri’s shoulder. “That sounds great!”

\--

Yuuri supposed the first step to avoiding suspicion about the change in his and Viktor’s relationship status should have been not to stay at Viktor’s apartment for the night of the party and most of the day after, but…well, that’s what he did.

It was just that every time he tried to leave to go back to his own apartment, Viktor would pout and tease and they’d end up smooching against the wall or on the sofa or on the kitchen table and he’d forget. He thought that wasn’t unfair, given just how tempting and delectable Viktor was. Still, when he got home with the sun setting behind him, Phichit was waiting for him with a very suspicious expression.

“Dude,” he said. “I haven’t seen you since you left yesterday. Was the party really that wild?”

“Theatre kids,” Yuuri supplied. Shockingly (or maybe not so shockingly considering Phichit hung out with NYU’s theatre kids), that seemed to be a perfectly acceptable answer.

“Well, I’m glad you had a good time. I did still expect you to be home at some point though. You had me worried when you didn’t call.”

Yuuri blushed, feeling guilty. “Sorry. I sorta just passed out at Viktor’s.”

The eyebrow raise he got in response was expected, but it still made his heart hammer with panic.

“We all did,” he lied. “That was where the party was. At his apartment. You know.”

Phichit’s eyebrows lowered again, but this time they were skeptical. “Uh-huh.”

Yuuri wondered if he should tell him. After all, they were keeping it quiet only because of the show, and he knew Phichit wouldn’t think any ill will towards him. He also knew Phichit could keep a secret when he really needed to… and Yuuri _desperately_ wanted to tell _someone_.

He’d told Viktor to keep it just between them though… and what if it hurt his feelings if he immediately went back on that after he himself had suggested it? But Phichit was his _best friend_ , and he’d been rooting for them since before Yuuri could dare to dream it was possible Viktor liked him back…

“Your face is doing the thing.”

“What thing?”

“The expression you make when you’re fretting. Though, I guess it also kind of looks like you’re trying not to sneeze. What are you thinking about?”

“Maybe I really was trying not to sneeze.”

“Okay, what are you not sneezing about?”

It figured Phichit wouldn’t let it rest.

“If you don’t spill I’m going to start guessing,” Phichit said, smirking. “I’ll know when I’m right because you’ll get all nervous. I know you, Yuuri.” He folded one long leg over the other from where he was sitting at their kitchen table, and damned if he couldn’t look sinister when it suited him.

“I kissed him.”

Viktor didn’t have to know he’d told anyone.

Phichit’s hand came up to cover his mouth in surprise, and Yuuri could swear he actually saw the sparkle in his eyes. “You kissed him. Not… he kissed you, but _you_ kissed _him_.”

Yuuri nodded sheepishly. “It just sort of happened.”

“You weren’t drunk?”

“No, I only had half a glass of champagne when we toasted to going to Broadway.”

“You’re going to Broadway?!”

“Oh. Yeah, we are. That also happened last night.” It seemed like an eternity ago.

Phichit jumped to his feet and pulled Yuuri in close, squeezing him. “I can’t believe you waited until now to tell me about what is clearly the best night of your life!”

“I didn’t get home until now.” He didn’t deny that it _was_ the best night he’d ever had, of course.

“So, how was it?” Phichit asked, dragging him over to the table to sit. “You’ve gotta tell me everything, you realize that, right? Is he a good kisser? Where did it happen? Who else was there? Are there pictures? _Did you bang him_?”

“Phichit!”

“It’s a valid question. You said you spent the night.”

“I didn’t sleep with him,” Yuuri huffed. “I mean… I _slept_ with him, but… only in the literal sense.”

“Wow, you showed a lot more restraint than I would have. You had a chance to bang Viktor Nikiforov and you didn’t take it.”

“I didn’t want to,” Yuuri said, paused, then amended, “Okay, I _did_ want to, but not like that. I didn’t want him to feel like he _had_ to… do that…with me. I don’t know what his previous relationships were like, but I just…I knew we shouldn’t move that fast.” He smiled softly, tugging at the end of his shirtsleeve as he said, “He asked me to be his boyfriend this morning, so I guess we’re official. It’s crazy.”

“It’s amazing is what it is,” Phichit said. “You really are living the dream, Yuuri. You made it. You did it. You won. All the rest of us can go home.”

Yuuri admittedly couldn’t help but agree for once. He really was living the dream. “Just don’t tell anyone, all right? We want to kind of keep it to ourselves.”

Phichit, thankfully, did not ask any questions, instead just nodding and saying, “Gotcha. Your secret is safe with me, Yuuri. So…is he a good kisser or not?”

Yuuri snorted, running a hand over his hair. “Well, I don’t have much to compare it to, but I did feel like I melted into my shoes.”

Phichit grinned. “Fireworks?”

“Absolutely. It was…” All Yuuri could think to do to finish that statement was sigh dreamily.

“OMG,” Phichit said, grinning. “You have it so bad. It’s so sweet I could barf. I’m getting cavities.”

“Stop,” Yuuri laughed.

“You’re gonna marry him and have his adopted babies,” Phichit giggled, “Just picture it. Mr. and Mr. Katsuki-Nikiforov, Broadway stars! That’s a headliner, right there.”

“Jeez, it’s a little too soon to be talking _marriage_ , don’t you think?” Yuuri chuckled. “You’re jumping the gun here, Phichit, really.”

The idea of it was maddening—marrying Viktor. He may have thought up that particular fantasy once or twice as a boy, but never in his adult life. He still wasn’t sure he wanted to entertain the thought now either, considering how new everything was, but he thought it sufficed to say how strong his feelings were that the thought didn’t terrify him.

The thought of marrying Viktor didn’t terrify him, but the fact that it _didn’t_ … Now _that_ was a little scary.

He tried not to focus on it too much.

It felt too good right now just to bask in the glow.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little nsfw ;)

**Twenty-Eight.**

Viktor _was_ a workaholic.

Yuuri had known this to an extent, but now that he was spending basically every waking moment in his apartment (and a good portion of his sleeping moments there too), he could see how carefully Viktor analyzed everything, how long he spent fretting over it, just how many nights he’d sit and tinker on the piano only to end up changing nothing. He’d been doing rewrites to the _Complex_ script for the last couple of weeks, wanting to refine it further as he adapted it for a bigger stage. He would let Yuuri read it every time he made changes, and Yuuri would offer his own thoughts, but Viktor just didn’t seem as confident about it as he surely should.

Yuuri was sure he was just nervous since it was such a big step, but he couldn’t help but worry.

He hoped that he himself wasn’t a detriment to Viktor’s work…

He just wanted to help whatever way he could, so he made dinner and offered while they were eating it, “You’re worrying too much, you know. The show is going to be great.”

Viktor looked up from the script he was rereading for probably the millionth time. His eyes were bleary and unfocused. “Huh?” he queried, smiling.

Yuuri reached over and shut the script, giving it a small pat in order to signify it was going to stay that way. “If _I’m_ telling you you’re worrying too much, then you are. Relax, okay? It’s going to be amazing.”

“Sorry,” Viktor sighed, chuckling. “I normally don’t worry so much. Of course, I’ve never premiered a show I’ve _written_. I suppose I’m not as confident in those abilities as I am with my performances.”

Yuuri reached out and took his hand across the table, gave it a little squeeze. “I don’t know why. You’re as incredible a writer as you are everything else. Even the workshop show sold out. Phichit has still been reading me posts about it online and everyone is really excited about the move to Broadway. All of us in the cast are dedicated to it and to you. It’s going to be fantastic.”

Viktor nodded, but he still didn’t look as sure as Yuuri hoped he would have. “I guess I’m just worried people will only say the show is doing well because it has my name on it and not because it’s actually good.”

Yuuri’s heart panged slightly, and he recognized the feeling that caused it.

That was straight-up guilt, he realized, though he wasn’t certain why it came upon him so suddenly. Perhaps it was because he feared he’d put the idea into Viktor’s head, claiming that their relationship might cheapen the performance. What if Viktor hadn’t even considered that possible until Yuuri said something?

“That’s not going to happen. You put your heart and soul into it. It’s going to be perfect.”

Viktor hummed thoughtfully, then nodded again, looking a little more sure this time. “You’re right,” he said. “With you as my star, I have nothing to worry about.” The sleepiness had faded from him instantly, replaced with a warm, adoring expression. It made Yuuri feel tingly and wonderful…but it didn’t clear out the guilt.

“Eat your food before it gets cold,” Yuuri said, rather than acknowledge the unpleasant feelings trying to spoil his happy ones. “Don’t look at that script again tonight. It’ll still be there in the morning, and with fresh eyes you’ll be able to read it more easily.”

Viktor squeezed Yuuri’s hand back before releasing it and promptly digging in, looking much more at ease. Yuuri wished his pep talk had eased his own fears.

“So,” Viktor said, interrupting Yuuri’s line of thought, “with me not looking at the script, that sort of frees up my evening.” His gaze traveled slowly from his dinner to Yuuri’s face. “Would you like to do something with me? We could see a movie maybe!”

Before Yuuri could even say one way or another, he watched Viktor sag with realization. “Oh,” he said, “but we’d have to be secret about it, I suppose. It’s pretty dark in the theater though. If we just stayed separate until then, we could probably still go, right? We could even walk up separately…” He didn’t seem nearly so excited about going by the time he finished talking.

Yuuri’s heart sank. He loathed seeing Viktor so unhappy, especially knowing he had caused it himself. Why did Viktor even want to be his boyfriend?

He had to rescue this conversation somehow, someway. He didn’t think agreeing to go to the movie under those conditions would help, though.

Of course, there was at least _one_ thing they _could_ do in the privacy of the apartment…

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks since they’d become official. There had been a couple of times in those weeks where it had _nearly_ led to sex, but Yuuri being who he was had promptly wussed out.

It certainly wasn’t as though he didn’t want to; his dreams and the length of his showers were testaments to that. It was just that he had no experience, and that fear of being _bad_ at it had melted his resolve. Viktor had taken his hesitance in stride, of course, encouraging him to only move forward when he was ready and that it was better not to rush things, but Yuuri was certain he had to be disappointed. Yuuri felt like the only thing he was good at was disappointing him.

 _No_ , he told himself. _Don’t start thinking like that. You can do this. You’re a Broadway star. You’re Viktor Nikiforov’s boyfriend. You can do anything!_

“Um,” Yuuri said, eyes darting away, shyness creeping in despite his efforts to cheer himself on. “There’s something we could do here…just the two of us…”

Viktor sat up a little straighter, and Yuuri could feel him staring at him even though he couldn’t quite meet his gaze.

“What might you be suggesting?” he asked, as if he wasn’t completely aware.

Yuuri rubbed his hand along the back of his neck. Was he sweating? He was pretty sure he was sweating.

“I’ve just been uh… I’ve been thinking about it a lot…and I know you told me that we didn’t have to until I was comfortable, but I’m naturally kind of nervous about unknown things. If I don’t go for it with my nerves, I usually just don’t do it…and I really, _really_ want to do it.”

Yuuri shifted sheepishly in his seat, poking at what was left of his dinner with his fork just to have something to do with his hands. “Honestly, the only hesitation I have is because I want you to enjoy it, and since I don’t have any experience I keep thinking I’m going to disappoint you.”

 _I’m very good at disappointing you_ , his brain supplied unhelpfully.

Viktor put his silverware down and got up from the table, moving to Yuuri’s side. He started stroking Yuuri’s hair, waiting patiently until he looked up at him, and then he said, “Yuuri. You will never disappoint me with this sort of thing. It’s going to be great.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I love you,” Viktor said matter-of-factually. “Anything we do together makes me happy. If anything, I just want to be sure you’re comfortable and that _you_ enjoy it.”

“Was your first time good?”

Viktor looked flustered by the question. Well—uh…it wasn’t _bad_.”

Yuuri was unimpressed. “It was terrible, wasn’t it?”

Viktor laughed awkwardly. “It honestly wasn’t _terrible_. I will admit I’ve had better, but keep in mind I was young and inexperienced and so was my bed partner. We had no idea what we were doing, and he was rather pushy. That doesn’t even include the fact that we were both high-strung because we were worried of being caught together. It wasn’t unpleasant. It was just a nerve-wracking experience.”

Viktor moved behind Yuuri, his hands settling on, and then sliding down his shoulders. “Also,” Viktor said, voice gentler, “I didn’t love him. I thought I did, of course. I wouldn’t have been in a whirlwind affair with him if I hadn’t thought that… but I think it was because I thought that I loved him that I even did such a thing. I wanted to make him happy, and he was so demanding. I don’t think I was ready for it.”

His arms wrapped around Yuuri, and Viktor dropped his face into his hair, breathing him in. “That’s why I want you to be sure that you’re ready, Yuuri. I want it to be an experience you cherish, not something you look back on with embarrassment or discomfort or regret.”

Yuuri lifted a hand and placed it over Viktor’s which was settled on his chest. “I’d never regret it with you.”

“I know you won’t,” he said, moving his head to Yuuri’s shoulder. “I won’t let it happen.”

Yuuri lifted his chin, hand coming up to guide Viktor’s face so that they could meet with a kiss. Viktor inhaled slowly through his nose as his hands drifted down Yuuri’s chest. It was chaste and sweet, and Yuuri sank into it like a warm bath. When they parted, Viktor was smiling fondly, and it made Yuuri’s heart squeeze.

Yuuri hated that Viktor’s first time hadn’t been everything wonderful that he deserved. Yuuri still didn’t feel like he was good enough as it was, but Viktor had settled on him none the less, so it made him all the more determined to make him happy. Yuuri might not have had the experience on his side, but he’d never forgive himself if the experience was anything other than mind-blowing for Viktor.

He’d let him down enough.

Besides, it couldn’t be _that_ difficult, right? He’d seen videos, read stories. He’d definitely acted out some pretty bold moves in his fantasies (especially lately). All he had to do was read Viktor’s body language to find out what he was liking and what he wasn’t, and Yuuri had perfected the ability to read someone’s movements by acting. He just had to have confidence in himself.

...Of course, _that_ was the hard part, wasn’t it?

 _Be brave_ , he thought. _Do it anyway_.

Viktor was cleaning up the table, taking the dishes to the sink. He was humming to himself, more at ease than Yuuri had seen him in a while. He didn’t know if it was because he’d talked to Yuuri more about his past or if it was just because he was taking a much needed break from the script, but it was nice to see regardless.

Maybe if he walked up behind him and started kissing his neck? That would be sexy, right?

He wasn’t sure if he was tall enough though. What if it ended up feeling awkward?

Maybe he should just start drinking and do a striptease, he thought. Phichit had said he’d been guilty of taking his clothes off when alcohol was involved…but he wasn’t sure it’d be a good idea considering his tendency to make poor decisions when sloshed. He didn’t know if Viktor had any liquor anyway.

God, he was so bad at this. Maybe he could sing him a song? That seemed to have worked all the previous times, after all. He couldn’t think of one that wouldn’t ultimately seem ridiculous and cheesy though. Maybe it’d make Viktor laugh at least…

He looked up, realizing that while he was deep in thought, Viktor had finished washing the few dishes and had promptly disappeared from view.

 _Damn it_! He thought, scrambling to his feet to find where he’d wandered off to. Even though the apartment was large, there were only so many places he could go, and Yuuri supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised to find him in the bedroom, changing into his pajamas. Standing in the doorway, Yuuri reminded himself that he still hadn’t come up with any sort of plan to seduce him… But here he was coming up with some ideas.

It did help that Viktor wasn’t wearing a shirt. He wasn’t sure what Viktor did to work out besides yoga, but it was clearly working for him. It was very hard not to drool at the sight of his lean, lithe form as he dug in his dresser drawers for the shirt he wanted.

 _I want to be that shirt_ , Yuuri thought. It might have been the dumbest thought he’d had all evening, but it still propelled him forward into the room until he was close enough to grab Viktor’s wrist just as he was pulling the shirt free from the drawer.

“Yuuri?” he queried curiously, tilting his head slightly.

Yuuri wanted to say some cool line, but he couldn’t think of anything, so instead he just lifted his other hand, wrapped it around the back of Viktor’s neck, and pulled him in for a long, _hungry_ kiss. Viktor let out a muffled sound of surprise, but it only took him a moment before he reciprocated, dropping his shirt on the floor so that he could use both hands to pull Yuuri in closer.

They may not have gone all the way at this point, but in the weeks since they’d gotten together, Yuuri had gotten a _lot_ of practice kissing, and he thought he might just be a natural. Yuuri could damn well be bold when he really wanted to, and right now that was exactly what he wanted to be. His hands moved down Viktor’s back until they were cupping his rear, and when he slotted his right leg between Viktor’s, Viktor let out an absolutely _glorious_ moan. It felt like the sound traveled down Yuuri’s throat and pooled in his stomach, firing him up from the inside out. The strength of his boldness increased with the enthusiasm from Viktor, and he found himself sucking Viktor’s bottom lip before moving his lips to the pulse point of Viktor’s neck and sucked hard. Viktor gasped softly, head tilting back, hands squeezing Yuuri’s biceps.

“You’re so forward all of a sudden,” Viktor said, breathless.

“Do you like it?” Yuuri asked, soothing the sting of the mark with a gentler kiss.

“I _do_ ,” groaned Viktor, subconsciously grinding on Yuuri’s thigh.

Yuuri smiled against Viktor’s skin, proud of himself for eliciting such a reaction.

Viktor didn’t just like receiving surprises though; he liked giving them. He turned suddenly and pressed forward until the back of Yuuri’s knees hit the side of the mattress. He folded backwards easily, and then Viktor was climbing on top of him and kissing him like it was the only thing he’d ever wanted to do.

Yuuri didn’t want to just kiss though, not this time.

He pushed his leg between Viktor’s again, an offer of friction that Viktor gladly accepted. Yuuri let his hands slide up and down Viktor’s back, memorizing the lines of his musculature with his fingertips. “Does it feel good?” Yuuri asked.  If the trembling shoulders and the hardness between his legs was any indication, Yuuri didn’t really need to ask.

Viktor let out a soft, needy sound, pressing their foreheads together. “Yuuri,” he breathed. “Do you want to do this? Are you sure?”

“You really have to ask?” Yuuri laughed.

“Yes, I do.”

Yuuri’s lips parted, and he moved his hand from Viktor’s back to his cheek, thumbing his cheekbone gently. “I do want to. I’m ready. I’m sure. Just tell me how you want me.”

Viktor beamed, cheeks flushed with delight. “How I want you? Always. That’s how I want you.”

Yuuri tugged him back in for another kiss, and Viktor’s hand went south, palming him through his jeans. “I’ll lead the way,” Viktor said against Yuuri’s lips. “We’ll find our way together. We’ll take it slow, okay?”

Yuuri’s eyes fluttered closed, hips canting upwards. He knew he didn’t need to get too caught up in the moment, though it was difficult. This moment wasn’t about _him_ , it was about _Viktor_. He wanted to be good, wanted it to feel good…

“You’re tense again,” Viktor hummed. “Are you totally sure about this?”

Yuuri jolted out of his thoughts. “Of course I am!” he said. “I’m just still a little nervous is all.”

Viktor smiled at him, then started nibbling at his neck. “Talk me through it,” Viktor said. “Are you still worried about disappointing me as a lover?”

“No,” Yuuri said, but it was just slow enough that it wasn’t entirely convincing.

“Just _relax_ ,” Viktor purred, fingers delicately unbuttoning Yuuri’s fly. “Stop thinking about it so much. This isn’t just about me. It’s about the both of us.”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

“You’re right,” Yuuri said softly.

He needed to stop thinking so hard or it really _wouldn’t_ be good. Viktor had already told him that Yuuri couldn’t disappoint him, had told him that he wanted this moment to be wonderful for him too.

For once in his life, Yuuri Katsuki would turn his brain off for a little while.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very much nsfw and is basically just smut. if you're uncomfortable reading it, you can avoid it~
> 
> (y'all need to know how much i love you bc i sneak-wrote this at WORK which is why it took so long lol)

**Twenty-Nine.**

Yuuri had expected them to continue on the way they were going, but Viktor never did follow expectations exactly. As soon as Yuuri had agreed with him, he’d nodded and promptly climbed off of him, leaving him half-stunned on the mattress.

“Don’t look so broken-hearted,” Viktor laughed, padding across the room to the light-dimmer on the wall. “I just thought it might be nice to set the mood first. Why don’t you make yourself a bit more comfortable?”

Yuuri blinked a few times, sitting up on his elbows. He surely looked a little ridiculous with his shirt rucked up to his chest and his fly open to his tented boxer-briefs… Actually, maybe a lot ridiculous… Maybe…

He blushed, self-consciousness rearing its ugly head. What if he took off his clothes and Viktor laughed? Viktor had the body of a God, after all. Anyone would look terrible next to him!

It made him hesitant as he tugged his shirt off, stomach doing nervous flip-flops. He wished he’d worked out more before agreeing to this. Sure, he’d still done his morning jogs on the few mornings he woke up at his own apartment, but those days were few and far between these last couple of weeks. He hadn’t been dancing during their off-time either and he’d been eating a lot more rich food during his time spent with Viktor. Had he gained weight? He always did gain weight easily.

The lights dimmed slightly. Yuuri wished he’d turn them all the way off.

He was still sitting on the side of the bed when he felt the other side dip under Viktor’s weight. “Yuuri,” he said, voice soft and low. “You’re trembling.”

“S—-Sorry,” Yuuri stammered. He was already angry at himself. He’d decided to just enjoy this and stop trying so hard to impress, and he was already failing.

Viktor’s hands took hold of Yuuri’s arms from behind, pulling him gently back so that Yuuri’s back was pressed against Viktor’s front. “Do you want to stop?” Viktor asked, arms wrapping around Yuuri’s chest.

“No!” Yuuri said, and it was just loud enough to cause Viktor to jump slightly. It only made Yuuri feel guiltier. “I’m sorry. I keep fucking this up… I’m really sorry. I really want to do this. I don’t want you to think I don’t.”

Viktor hummed thoughtfully.

Then, suddenly, Yuuri found himself falling against the pillows. Viktor sat on his waist, his long, lean frame on full display, his blue eyes gleaming even in the low light. He was so beautiful that Yuuri briefly forgot about himself entirely. His mouth went dry and all he could do was stare, breathless.

Viktor looked down at Yuuri, cheeks rosy, lips parted deliciously. His eyes trailed slowly up Yuuri’s form—-his stomach, his chest, his neck, his lips. Yuuri felt heat build through his body everywhere Viktor’s eyes traveled, so that by the time their gazes met, he was sure he was flushed red from head to toe.

Viktor smiled then, hand carding through Yuuri’s hair, and he said with a dreamy sigh, “You’re so  _ beautiful _ .”

Yuuri couldn’t help himself. “R—-Really?” he asked.

Viktor leaned over, caging Yuuri in between his arms. He let his lips ghost against Yuuri’s before he said, voice deeper and thick with his accent, “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. Do you know what you do to me, Yuuri?”

Yuuri shivered, letting out a shaky breath.

“You have no idea,” Viktor continued, kissing the corner of his mouth, the hinge of his jaw, the lobe of his ear, “how much I thought of this moment before we were even together, how much I wanted to touch you… You don’t know how often I pleasured myself to the thought of you…” 

Yuuri couldn’t stop himself from letting out a small, needy sound. Viktor’s hand traveled south, grazing lovingly over Yuuri’s bare chest and stomach before sliding between his legs once again, stroking him through the fabric of his underwear. 

“All I want in this whole world is you,” Viktor said. “I want only to be yours, and for you only to be mine…”

Yuuri’s hips bucked into Viktor’s hand, and suddenly he wasn’t thinking about how he looked or how bad he might be at this. He really wasn’t thinking of much of anything at all, except  _ Viktor, Viktor, Viktor _ …

Viktor crawled off of him but only so that he could pull Yuuri’s jeans and boxer-briefs off, tossing them over the side of the bed. He sat there on his knees and just  _ admired _ Yuuri’s form lying there on the bed. Under a gaze so adoring, Yuuri could never feel ugly.

“I love you,” Viktor said.

Yuuri grabbed him and tugged him down for a passionate kiss. He rolled them over, Viktor’s head thumping softly against the mattress, and then Yuuri was kissing a line down his neck, his chest, his abdomen, pausing only briefly at the line of silvery hair that traveled from his navel downwards. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of Viktor’s pajamas and slowly pulled them down.

Suddenly, Yuuri was looking down at Viktor Nikiforov in a way he never even dreamed he would-- bare and exposed, his cock flushed purple at the head and curving towards his stomach. It wasn’t like Yuuri had never seen another naked man before-- he’d lived in a bath house, after all-- but this was entirely different. This was Viktor,  _ beautiful _ Viktor, sprawled naked across the bed all for him. Yuuri didn’t know what he’d done in his life to be so blessed with such a  _ sight _ .

Yuuri reached out and smoothed his hand over Viktor’s chest. Viktor smiled up at him. “Do you like what you see?” he asked. “You made me this way. Look at what you do to me.” He stroked himself lazily, eyes fluttering closed. For a moment all Yuuri could do was stare, slack-jawed. 

If he could do  _ this _ to Viktor, then he must have been as beautiful as Viktor said. He didn’t know how it was possible, but  _ fuck _ …

“Tell me what you like,” Yuuri said, hand moving down to Viktor’s stomach. He didn’t recognize his own voice. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

Viktor stretched, moving his hand off of himself and onto Yuuri’s before guiding it downward. “Touch me, please,” he said, voice soft. “I want your hands on me. I want you to never stop touching me, please,  _ please _ …”

Yuuri wrapped his hand around Viktor’s cock and stroked slowly, drawing out a sound from Viktor that went straight to Yuuri’s groin. “Are you sure all you want me to do is touch? I could do more than that, you know,” Yuuri said. With that, he knelt over and pressed his lips to the tip, kissing there gently before taking it into his mouth.

Yuuri had seen videos of people doing this before, but it was an entirely different experience to actually  _ do  _ it. There was, of course, that niggling feeling in the back of his mind, that fear that he wouldn’t do it right, but Viktor could reassure without a word. His hand slid up into Yuuri’s hair, and he whimpered needily, signaling that it was all right for him to go forward.

Yuuri went slow, flattening his tongue along the underside of Viktor’s cock, taking it carefully inch by inch. Then, he pulled back, swirling his tongue around the head, eliciting a groan from Viktor. Yuuri looked up through his lashes at Viktor and was shocked to see him already so  _ wrecked _ . Viktor was looking back at him, flushed all the way to his chest, biting down on a knuckle. 

“It doesn’t take much to get a rise out of you, huh,” Yuuri said, gently teasing before leaning over to run his tongue along the shaft.

Viktor laughed breathlessly. “Not when I’m looking at such a sight, no,” he said. “I wish you could see yourself right now.  _ God _ —” Viktor proceeded with a stream of Russian words that were likely not ones he’d use in polite company, all because Yuuri took that opportunity to lower his head again and suck hard. He twisted his wrist at the base of Viktor’s cock, while his free hand slid up his thigh, squeezing the muscle.

“Don’t get too excited,” Viktor panted, “or we won’t get any further than this.” His head fell back as Yuuri sucked again, baring his pretty neck. “Admittedly, I don’t think I’d mind that.”

Yuuri pulled off again, and he met eyes with Viktor once more. He was already breathing heavy and his mouth felt swollen. He thought he must surely look ridiculous, but when he smiled, Viktor moaned and let his head fall back again like he’d just witnessed the most beautiful sight.

“I want more than this,” Yuuri said, surprised by how hoarse his voice had become and by how Viktor’s cock leaked pre-come at the sound of it.

“I don’t uh… I don’t have…” Yuuri stammered as he realized he was lacking any sort of supplies. As enthusiastic as he was, he wasn’t entirely sure what he’d do with them if he did have them. He could probably figure it out, but…

Viktor sat up and kissed Yuuri on the lips so saccharinely that it was as if he hadn’t just had his mouth around his cock. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll take care of you.”

Before Yuuri could say anything else, Viktor was rooting around in the bedside drawer. Yuuri got momentarily distracted by a bead of sweat rolling down Viktor’s spine. He licked his lips, tempted to taste.

“Yuuri,” Viktor said, glancing over his shoulder. “Can I…?” He looked bashful, cheeks warming. It didn’t take long for Yuuri to understand what he was asking.

“You can do whatever you want.”

Viktor rolled over, and in his hand was a small squeeze-bottle and a wrapped condom. He climbed back onto Yuuri with a kiss, hand smoothing through his hair. Yuuri was surprised when their lips met, mostly because Viktor appeared to be trembling. 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked.

“Yes,” he said, laughing a little. “Excited… Nervous… I’ve done this before, of course, but you haven’t, so I…”

Yuuri couldn’t help but feel relief that he wasn’t the only one nervous here. Maybe it was a little messed up that knowing  _ the _ Viktor Nikiforov was nervous made him feel a million times more confident, but that was the way it was. He’d take confidence in any form he could manage, especially right now.

“It’s gonna be fine,” he said, settling his hand on Viktor’s shoulder and letting his thumb brush back and forth along his collarbone.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Viktor said. “It hurt my first time.”

“You won’t hurt me.”

“How can you be sure?”

Yuuri huffed fondly. “How? Because I know you would never hurt me. Just take your time. We’ve got all night.”

Viktor smiled, reassured. “With your stamina, we might need the night,” he joked and promptly pressed Yuuri back into the mattress, kissing him hungrily.

Viktor’s hands roamed Yuuri’s body, mapping out every inch of skin he could reach, as eager to touch as he was to be touched. Yuuri lost himself in it, disappearing into the feel of Viktor’s tongue and fingertips. Viktor squeezed his thighs, mouthed at his neck, left lovemarks across his chest. 

Just when he was thinking he could get off just like this, Viktor’s voice was in his ear, saying softly, “I need you to roll over on your stomach for me, darling.”

Yuuri let out a small sound over the pet name, eyelashes fluttering. Viktor dragged his teeth gently along Yuuri’s neck and then promptly turned him over.

“ _ Beautiful _ ,” Viktor breathed, hand smoothing down Yuuri’s back. “How have I been the only one to ever see you like this?”

Before Yuuri could answer, Viktor was cupping his ass cheeks and spreading them, mumbling, “It doesn’t matter, so long as no one else ever gets to see you like this but me.”

Yuuri pushed himself up onto his knees, back curving downwards. He was sure he was an obscene sight, and that thrilled him far more than he expected. It apparently thrilled Viktor too because he cursed in Russian again, fingers digging into Yuuri’s thighs until they surely bruised.

“Have you ever fingered yourself before?” Viktor asked. Yuuri heard the cap on the bottle snap open.

“N—-No,” Yuuri said, hands clenching and unclenching the pillow his face was pressed into. “I didn’t think I’d be able to get the angle on it quite right.”

The hand still gripping Yuuri’s thigh lightened its touch, stroking the bruise marks as if they were delicate. “It’ll probably feel a little weird at first, and it might hurt some,” he said. “Just trust me…okay?”

Yuuri nodded quickly, spreading his legs a little wider to give Viktor as much room as possible.

“I know it helped relax me the first time,” Viktor said, pressing a digit against Yuuri’s entrance. “Let me know if you don’t like it.”

Viktor pushed his finger inside, slowly, slowly. It was definitely a feeling Yuuri wasn’t used to. Viktor waited patiently to give him time to adjust. Yuuri was too nervous to ask what he was supposed to do. Thankfully, he didn’t have to. Viktor spread himself over him, kissing Yuuri’s shoulder as he moved his finger inside of him, seeking out the prostate. “Tell me if it feels good too,” Viktor whispered against Yuuri’s skin, massaging the bundle of nerves until Yuuri was squirming, eyes rolling backward in pleasure.

“That feels good,” Yuuri groaned, and it did. It felt good enough that the oddness of the intrusion vanished in his mind, replaced only by the revelry of the moment. It felt like an electric current had started sliding through his body, sparking his nerve endings in a way he’d never experienced before. It was like Viktor could read him like a book, had memorized words on pages even Yuuri had yet to explore. Best of all, seeing Yuuri enjoying himself seemed to get Viktor off. Here he’d been worrying about him not enjoying it due to Yuuri’s inexperience, but of course Viktor just thrilled himself on his own. Yuuri had suspected that Viktor’s previous lovers were demanding, and perhaps that was why they had gravitated towards him. Viktor was just so eager to  _ please _ .

Viktor kept up relentlessly, picking up the pace until Yuuri was nearly writhing and then slowing down. A sheen of sweat had broken out over Yuuri’s whole body, and Viktor paused what he was doing just to leave kisses down Yuuri’s spine. Yuuri felt him grin when he pushed back against his fingers, seeking more.

“Are you ready for me then?” he asked, delighted.

“ _ Yes _ ,” Yuuri said, voice choked. “Please… _ please _ …”

Viktor removed his fingers and sat back on his haunches, taking a moment just to watch.

Suddenly, Yuuri found himself being flipped back onto his back, gasping at the surprise of it as Viktor climbed back on top of him. “Don’t get me wrong,” Viktor said, smiling. “I like to look at you from all angles, but this way I can see your face.”

Yuuri hadn’t really seen just how Viktor looked since he’d flipped over and  _ damn _ , if he wasn’t even more of a sight! His hair was mussed, pieces of it sticking to his forehead; his skin was ruddy and slick with sweat; his breath ragged; his pupils blown. Yuuri had always thought Viktor was gorgeous, but to get to see him like  _ this _ …

He didn’t know what God he’d pleased, but he was grateful for the gift.

With determination, Viktor took hold of Yuuri’s ankle and hoisted his leg up onto his shoulder. He slipped on the condom, lubed himself generously with his free hand, and then,  _ then _ \--

“ _ Ohh _ !” Yuuri cried, head falling back against the pillows as Viktor pushed inside. The fullness was surprising and just erring on the side pleasure and pain. Viktor let the head press past the ring of muscle, and then he froze there in order to allow Yuuri to adjust.

“Is it alright?” Viktor asked uncertainly. His voice was wobbling. It seemed like it was taking everything in him not to push further.

“It’s amazing,” Yuuri breathed. “You’re amazing.”

“Darling, save the compliments for the afterglow,” Viktor laughed. He seemed all the more delighted that Yuuri’s cock pulsed and leaked pre-come at the sound of the pet name being used again.

Viktor pushed himself deeper, all the while leaning over to leave a gentle, lingering kiss to Yuuri’s lips. Yuuri’s mouth fell open and his eyes closed, unable to make a sound, too focused on the feeling of Viktor’s cock sliding over his prostate. Yuuri’s legs wrapped around Viktor, and Viktor started moving in earnest, rocking his hips back and forth. 

It was hard for Yuuri to manage, wanting so desperately to watch Viktor work but also so caught up in his ecstasy that it was difficult to keep his eyes open. In the moments when he did look, he caught glimpses of Viktor’s heavy breathing, of him biting down on his bottom lip with his perfect teeth, of his own eyes trying desperately to watch Yuuri too only for them to traitorously close when the feeling was too wonderful to manage. In the moments when Yuuri wasn’t looking, he caught Viktor speaking his name over and over, like a mantra, like a prayer. It was the only word left in his vocabulary, it seemed, and even that soon gave way to wordless sounds of exaltation.

Yuuri tried to hold out, but soon enough he couldn’t help but start stroking himself in rhythm of Viktor’s thrusts. Viktor nearly folded him in half as he leaned over to kiss him again, their tongues meeting and tasting one another. Yuuri’s free hand was met by Viktor’s, and their fingers intertwined as if they had never meant to be parted. The sensations were quickly becoming overwhelming—-lips, teeth, tongues, hands, body, in, out, there, there, fuck,  _ Viktor _ —-

“Viktor,” he managed to say. “Fuck, I—”

Viktor let out a whine, and Yuuri realized his rhythm was starting to fall apart. Apparently Yuuri wasn’t the only one getting overwhelmed.

Yuuri let go of Viktor’s hand and wrapped his arm around him, using it to pull him closer. All he had to say was, “I love you,” into Viktor’s ear and then Viktor shivered violently, head falling to Yuuri’s shoulder as he rode out his orgasm. It only took a few more strokes for Yuuri and—

_ Oh! _

He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to describe the rapture of it.

All he did know was that when it was over, his body felt spent, heavy like lead. It was like he’d been in a dance rehearsal all day, but far more satisfying. Viktor was sprawled on top of him, panting and sweaty just like he was, holding to Yuuri like it was the only thing keeping him alive. Yuuri had to slowly lift his hand from Viktor’s back as he realized his nails had dug in when he’d climaxed.

“Sorry,” Yuuri said, voice like gravel. Had he shouted when he’d come? “Did I hurt your back?”

Viktor made a sound to indicate the negative. He still couldn’t seem to properly form words yet.

Yuuri left a soothing touch over the scratches anyway, pressing a kiss to the top of Viktor’s head. 

For a moment or two, all they did was bask in the comfortable silence.

Then, Yuuri said, “Ready for round two?”

Viktor sat up, looking downright alarmed.

“I’m just kidding!” Yuuri laughed and promptly kissed him silly.

(Though admittedly there was a round two later on in the shower.)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay on this chapter
> 
> a friend of mine passed away unexpectedly and i didn't feel much up to writing

**Thirty.**

When Yuuri and Viktor arrived for their voice lessons at Yakov’s house, the expression they got from him was entirely more grumpy and annoyed than usual. 

“What?” Viktor asked, looking like a kicked puppy. “I haven’t even started singing yet. Why are you already disappointed?”

“So you’re sleeping with each other now, are you?” Yakov asked.

Both of them were so alarmed that they nearly jumped backwards. Their secret was out! Who had told him? Was it in the papers? Yuuri hadn’t checked online today because—well, because he’d been  _ busy _ in Viktor’s bedroom… 

Oh, God, were the tabloids reporting them?

“You’re wearing a scarf,” Yakov said to Viktor after he received nothing but horrified silence from both of them. “It’s summer.” He promptly reached up and yanked the scarf off of him, revealing the love mark Yuuri had left on his neck when he’d gotten just a little too enthusiastic.

Viktor’s whole face turned red, and it would have been a very cute look on him if both of them weren’t feeling so awkward about being caught.

“But Yakov, how did you know it was Yuuri?” Viktor whined as he settled his book on the music stand. He seemed to be recovering from the shock a lot faster than Yuuri was.

“Because the two of you have been making eyes at each other since the first time you both stepped foot in my house and I’m not an idiot,” Yakov said flatly. “I don’t much care what you do in your free time, Vitya, provided you’re still practicing, so there’s no need to keep secrets from me.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will you? Yuuri wanted—-well, we decided to keep it quiet.”

Yuuri certainly didn’t miss the way Viktor faltered on the statement.

“If you don’t want anyone to know, then you should probably be a little less ardent,” Yakov replied.

If it was possible, Viktor turned redder. In fact, he stayed blushing through most of his lesson, though by the time Yuuri’s turn rolled around he was back to being entirely unbothered.

As they were leaving, Yuuri watched as Viktor wound the scarf back around his neck, covering the bruise that Yuuri had left him with. Yuuri admittedly hated to see it go. It was a little thrilling to look at if he was being honest, knowing he’d marked him in such a way. He’d pressed his fingers into his own marks that morning in front of the mirror before he’d showered, pleased at the slight ache that came with being Viktor’s. Now that they had reached this point, it was a wonder how Yuuri had ever done without him. Yuuri had never  _ really  _ been without him, not since he’d heard him singing all those years ago. The idea of not hearing his voice every day now made Yuuri feel like he was missing a limb.

_ You’ve really got it bad _ , he thought to himself fondly.

Still, he was worried because he never could help but do so. As of next week, the show would be going back into rehearsal, and the limelight would be on them much more than it had been. They’d have to be careful if they didn’t want people to get the wrong idea. Yuuri just wished Viktor was as concerned about it as he was, but that didn’t seem to be the case. He’d keep his hands to himself while they were out in public, of course—hide his marks, keep the pet names to a minimum—but Yuuri still wasn’t entirely convinced Viktor wanted to hide the relationship. Yuuri didn’t really  _ want _ to, admittedly, but they were doing it for the sake of the show! It wasn’t like it would be  _ forever _ …

The guilty feeling he went to bed with every night hadn’t abated a bit, no matter how many excuses he made for himself.

He didn’t say anything about it though.

\--

Coming back to rehearsal felt like coming home.

When Yuuri entered the rehearsal space, he was so happy just to see the others all enthusiastically interacting with one another or looking over the new, polished script for the changes. He got a hug from Mila, a hearty smack on the back from JJ, and even an upper tilt of the chin from Yuri (which might as well have been a hug considering his prickly personality towards everyone sans Otabek).

Viktor was sunny as the weather outside and had been since they’d woken up that morning. Yuuri had admittedly gotten up early to make them both a celebratory breakfast using Leo’s waffle recipe and Viktor’s favorite coffee, but he still suspected it was mostly getting back to work that got him so jazzed. Yuuri was happy to be back at work too because it gave him something to focus on other than his unvoiced worries about their relationship. Things hadn’t been  _ bad _ by any means, but ever since Yuuri had heard Viktor falter when talking to Yakov, ever since he’d seen the light go out of his eyes when he realized they couldn’t go to a movie together…the elephant in the room had stuck around (at least in Yuuri’s head).

At rehearsal, he didn’t have to worry. There were friends to reunite with, not to mention a whole new set of people to meet. The cast was no longer just the seven of them. With a bigger stage, they were able to bring in an entire ensemble that Viktor had hand-picked. They also had a set designer, a lighting designer, a sound designer, and a stage manager.

The stage manager in particular was a godsend because he took some of the stress off of Viktor’s shoulders. Viktor had worked with him before and claimed he ran a very,  _ very  _ tight ship, so Yuuri had no doubt they’d give him any less than a great performance. His name was Seung-Gil Lee, and that was about all the information about himself that he offered before he started barking orders.

They started with a script reading, along with singing along the refined songs. It felt simultaneously familiar and new. Yuuri settled back into Henry with ease, but it was different this time. His romantic scenes with JJ definitely resonated differently with him now, even when they were just reading off of the script. He hoped it wasn’t noticeable enough that people connected the dots, but he could definitely feel the shift.

The ensemble cast seemed impressed by him for sure, and that was…new. Weird. Kind of awesome. They looked at him like he was just like the rest of the cast, like he’d been performing as long as they had. It made him feel far less worried about his performance.

For once, Yuuri wasn’t the one concerned. No, it was Christophe that had issues.

“So, are you even going to hire understudies?” he asked Viktor during a break in rehearsals. Yuuri was leaning up against the piano while Viktor’s fingers played delicately through a harmony Yuuri was “having trouble with” (he’d actually just wanted an excuse to hang around closer to him without people talking). He’d felt like they were managing well enough to keep things under wraps except for the doe eyes Viktor made at him whenever he sang or whenever he danced or whenever he… Well, pretty much whenever he did anything. No one had pointed it out though, so he suspected that Viktor may have been doing that all along even before they got together. He just hadn’t noticed until now.

Viktor was staring at him fondly even then, so much so that when Chris asked the question, Yuuri had to nudge him to even make him realize he’d been addressed.

“Huh?” Viktor blinked, and Christophe rolled his eyes.

“I said, are you going to hire understudies for the lead roles?”

“Oh. Yeah. I planned on doing that,” Viktor said evasively, looking back at the keys of the piano.

“When?”

“When I decide who to hire. I did write these parts with very specific people in mind, so it’d be difficult for me to find others to fill the shoes and have it achieve my artistic vision.”

Christophe did not seem too terribly impressed with that explanation. “Artists,” he mumbled, rolling his eyes. “So unwilling to compromise. What are we going to do if someone gets sick?”

“Relax, Chris!” Viktor laughed. “We’ll be fine. We’ve got time to cast some, but it’s not going to be an issue. JJ’s never even needed an understudy in his life because he’s played every performance he has been in. I have too, you know.”

“Trust me, I know,” Christophe said. “You both still had them though, and not everyone is a freak of nature like the two of you.”

“Yuri’s never had an understudy either.”

“I’m assuming you’re talking about Plisetsky, and I’d like to remind you that it’s because he’s a little diva who fusses if he  _ does _ have one and did in fact perform in  _ Billy Elliot _ one night with a one-hundred-one degree fever that sent him to the emergency room after. Just look into it, all right? We need those roles filled in soon so that they can learn their parts.”

Viktor looked unbothered, and Yuuri suspected it wasn’t exactly on his to-do list. Viktor could be a bit flaky when it came to stuff he didn’t  _ want _ to think about. He’d rather avoid a problem any day than deal with it.

(That was part of the problem Yuuri was having regarding their relationship, of course.)

After Christophe left, Yuuri looked back at the music Viktor was playing from and said, “Why not hire understudies though?”

Viktor shrugged a shoulder, a non-committal answer.

“Come on, surely there are others that sound like the rest of us,” Yuuri laughed, running his hand through Viktor’s hair until he realized what he was doing and promptly dropped it to his side. 

“Of course there are other voices that can sing the parts, but I don’t want them. I like it the way it is,” Viktor huffed.

“I know,” Yuuri offered sympathetically, “but there is a chance that somebody could get sick. I’m know  _ I’m _ not perfect, so…”

“You are to me.” Softly, almost to himself.

Yuuri swallowed hard, blushing. It still sort of threw him for a loop just how much he seemed to have Viktor wrapped around his finger.

“Well, what will you do if I do get sick?”

“I’ll play the part myself,” Viktor said.

Yuuri jolted, surprised. “I thought you said you couldn’t play Henry.”

“I don’t want to,” Viktor said, looking up at him, “but if you needed me to, I would do it.”

There was a long moment where they both found themselves staring into each other’s eyes. They both caught themselves at the same time, promptly looking away awkwardly.

“I would of course do that for any of the roles!” Viktor said, smiling, cheeks warm.

“I don’t know how good of a Jenny you would make, Viktor,” Yuuri said, smirking.

“I would be a great Jenny!”

Yuuri laughed and decidedly didn’t tell him that he was certain he would be. Viktor Nikiforov could play any role after all.

\--

As rehearsals kicked into full gear, Yuuri forgot to worry about him and Viktor. Everyone was too busy to think about anything but the show. Sets were going up and dance moves were being choreographed for the new songs that Christophe and Viktor had written, some to replace previous songs, some to add to new scenes. Viktor had hired some understudies, but not for all of the cast. Yuuri’s character was without one, and so was JJ’s. Christophe has fussed at him that now wasn’t the time to be quite so picky since they were running on a limited time frame, but Viktor hadn’t budged on what he wanted. When he and Yuuri had fallen into bed together, Viktor had told him the idea of hearing anyone else sing as Henry was unfathomable to him.

“The part will have to go to someone else eventually, won’t it?” Yuuri had offered as Viktor had laid on his chest, arms around Yuuri’s waist.

“If the show is successful enough to be long-lasting, sure,” Viktor had replied sleepily, “but once you move on to a different show, so will I. Someone else can direct it then. I can’t see it with anyone but you.”

“That’s a lot of dedication to an actor.”

“It’s not about your acting. It’s about you. You’re my star.”

Yuuri had held him a little tighter then, pressing a kiss to the whorl of his hair. “I want to be the best actor you’ve ever seen,” he said softly after a few minutes. He wanted to be worth all of Viktor’s hard work and inspiration. He didn’t want to be limited to just being his boyfriend. That title wasn’t good enough for Viktor.

At least, in Yuuri’s mind it wasn’t.

He didn’t voice any of these thoughts out loud, of course, because he never did. Viktor had already fallen asleep anyway, draped across Yuuri like a blanket.

Yuuri tried to hang onto the confidence that yes, he would succeed at being an actor and that Viktor’s show would be the talk of the Great White Way. He tried to believe that keeping their relationship quiet from everyone else would ultimately be what was the best and that nothing bad would come it…

...and yet that feeling of dread continued to sink in, settling deep into his bones until all he could dream about was Viktor’s disappointed face every time he realized they couldn’t go somewhere together.

It wasn’t like Yuuri was putting his career  _ before _ Viktor though, right? He was doing this  _ for _ Viktor. It was the best thing for both of them.

Right?


	31. Chapter 31

**Thirty-One.**

As rehearsals kicked into high gear, so did the buzz about _Complex_. The Broadway world was anxious and excited to see Viktor Nikiforov’s directorial debut with his star-studded cast. It was at the point that, now that they were in dress rehearsal, none of them were actually seeing much of Viktor half the time because he kept having to go do interviews. Everything felt quite solid by that point, so Viktor wasn’t concerned about leaving them to their own devices, but Yuuri still felt like he did better when he was there.

Viktor wasn’t going anywhere today though because the interviewers were coming to him. In fact, the Broadway website that was coming today was coming to interview _all_ of them. Yuuri had never been interviewed before so he was more than a little nervous.

“You’ll do great,” Viktor had said that morning, helping Yuuri button up his shirt since he was still half asleep. “You’re always great, and if you get nervous I’ll be there with you to help you through it.” He had sealed that promise with a kiss. It did make Yuuri feel better, and the coffee mug he pressed into his hands after he was done with the shirt helped even more.

Yuuri just wished he could have left for rehearsal at the same time as Viktor, but instead Viktor headed out first so that they wouldn’t be seen together. He tried not to feel too disappointed in having to make the journey on his own when he was still worried about how the interview would go, mainly because he’d brought all this on himself.

The longer it went, the more he regretted it. He kept telling himself it was for the best, but the slump of Viktor’s shoulders when he thought Yuuri couldn’t see was devastating. He kept saying he was _fine_ with it and that he understood, but…

He tried to ignore it, even if it did feel like the longer he dwelled on it the deeper he sunk.

When he arrived, everyone was bustling about, trying to get everything situated. Christophe and Viktor were by the piano arguing (likely about the understudies Viktor _still_ hadn’t hired) while the rest of the cast were getting their hair and makeup done. Apparently the website that was interviewing them would be taking pictures as well, or at least that was what Yuuri gathered as he was led to sit so he too could have his proverbial face put on.

“You must be Yuuri Katsuki,” the makeup girl said. “Viktor said you had a pretty face.”

“He did?”

“He was right,” the hairstylist said.

“He was?”

“My face is prettier,” Yuri Plisetsky said from his chair with a huff.

“You do have delicate features,” JJ said.

“WHAT?!” Yuri growled, eyes flashing.

Well, their behavior at least made it clear that this whole interview thing wasn’t going to make them act anything but normal. Yuuri supposed they were used to this sort of thing.

“Let’s behave ourselves today,” Viktor chimed in, suddenly appearing behind them. “I’m sure JJ meant it as a compliment, Yuri.”

“As if. I take it Christophe is done yelling at you for being irresponsible again?”

Viktor huffed. “You’re in quite a mood today, Yuri.”

 _Evading_ , Yuuri thought.

Viktor took a seat in the chair next to Yuuri’s and offered a smile. “Good morning, Yuuri,” he said. “How’d you sleep last night?” As if he didn’t know. Yuuri almost felt like he was being _too_ obvious.

“Well enough,” he said. “I was kind of nervous about all this. I’m not used to being interviewed. I don’t really know what anyone would want to know about me.”

“You’re the new guy! They’ll want to know everything about you!” Viktor laughed. “Don’t worry about a thing.”

Viktor gave his shoulder a squeeze and let his hand drop. The warmth lingered and with it stayed the comfort he’d offered. This would be fine. All they had to do was talk up the show and then sing a few of the songs for them to put on their website. Then they’d go through a rehearsal performance to give the interviewers an exclusive preview. As crazy as it all was, it wasn’t any crazier than anything else Yuuri had experienced in the last several months.

And that was just what happened..

Most of the questions were directed at Viktor, of course, but Yuuri couldn’t help but puff up with pride when he performed “Father of the Year” for their video crew and saw how excited the interviewers got. Viktor sat with them while the rest of the cast performed the show, explaining various inspirations for the set designs and his choices for actors (or at least that was what he told Yuuri at dinner that night).

Yuuri slept easily that night, curled up close to his love, and everything was fine. Everything was fine.

Everything was fine.

\--

Everything was not fine.

Yuuri knew that as soon as he woke to his buzzing phone and discovered about thirty text messages from several sources…and _eight missed calls_ from Phichit.

 _Calls_ , not texts.

Phichit _never_ called unless a situation was absolutely Code Red. This was a boy who broke his leg last year and Yuuri didn’t find out about it until he posted a selfie in the emergency room on Instagram. The sight of not just one, but _several_ missed calls from him meant he immediately hopped out of bed, dialing him up to return the call, ignoring the text messages entirely.

Yuuri was barely out of the bedroom when Phichit picked up on the second ring. “Dude, oh my God,” he said. “Have you been on the internet?”

Yuuri looked at the clock on the wall, then promptly informed him, “Of course not. It’s five-thirty in the morning, Phichit. What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Uhh… Well, it depends.”

“Depends on what?”

“Um…your reaction?”

That didn’t bode well.

“My…reaction to what…?”

“Get your computer. You’re gonna need to see this with your own eyes.”

Yuuri didn’t have his computer because it was still at his and Phichit’s apartment. He’d meant to go home and get some more things but he’d been so tired after rehearsal that he and Viktor had gone home and went straight to sleep. He’d been doing that pretty much every day for the last week.

He was regretting it now though because he was certain if he’d gone home to the apartment he was actually paying rent for, he would have seen this website that he was now pulling up on Viktor’s laptop a lot earlier and he might have been able to do some sort of damage control.

Now, though… _fuck_.

On the screen before him was a gossip website, and its front page was blasting its top story.

 **LOVE IS A VERY** **_COMPLEX_ ** **THING: INSIDE VIKTOR NIKIFOROV’S RELATIONSHIP WITH UP-AND-COMER YUURI KATSUKI**

“Oh, my God,” Yuuri said.

“I know, right? That title is awful.”

“I’m not concerned about the _title_ , Phichit!”

“I know, I know, but it’s still pretty terrible. They could have used a cute pun or something.”

“ _Phichit_.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Yuuri started scrolling through the article, skimming it for some indication as to how they could have possibly gotten this information. Had someone spilled the beans? The only one he’d told was _Phichit_ —

“Before you ask, I absolutely did not tell on you. I don’t think anybody did,” Phichit said, as if reading his mind. “They’ve got pictures of you guys, Yuuri. I guess they started snooping after that interview you did last week came out.”

“The interview? Why would that make them snoop?”

“Yuuri… You did _look_ at the interview, right?”

“Of course I did!”

“You saw the pictures?”

“Yeah.”

“And you didn’t think those would raise suspicion?”

Yuuri was quiet for a moment. “What… What do you mean…?”

“Pull it up.”

Yuuri opened a second tab and pulled up the interview, scrolling through it slowly. The pictures seemed normal enough, he thought. But then he really looked at them, and he discovered what Phichit was talking about.

In every photo that he shared with Viktor, the man in question was looking at _him_ . Not only was he looking at him, but he was staring at him like the most lovesick puppy Yuuri had ever seen. He hadn’t even _noticed_! He’d gotten so used to Viktor looking at him adoringly that he hadn’t even considered that he was doing it all the time. Viktor had approved all of the photos for the article, but he’d asked the rest of the cast too and no one had said anything. Viktor must not have noticed it either, but everyone else… Shit. Had they figured it out? Had they known all along?

Had Viktor told them?

“You’ve been quiet for a long time,” Phichit said softly from the other line.

“Were we really so obvious all of this time?” Yuuri asked.

“I mean…you guys were kind of obvious before you even got together. Read the gossip, Yuuri. They’ve got statements from people who saw you at the karaoke bar and before that. Paparazzi pictures at the ice skating rink. I’d dare say it’s possible they knew about you guys before you did.”

“They’ve taken pictures of me leaving this apartment,” Yuuri mumbled, scrolling further down the article.

 **Viktor’s mystery man confirmed to be Yuuri Katsuki, the star of Viktor’s new show** **_Complex_** , read the caption underneath an image of Yuuri on the curb, hailing a taxi.

Had they been writing about him all this time? Back before they even knew who he was? Yuuri hadn’t bothered to check. He hadn’t thought he was interesting enough for anyone to bother. He’d never considered that his mere proximity to Viktor made him as interesting as they needed.

“Did you know about this?” Yuuri asked.

“No way. I would’ve told you if I’d known about it. You know I don’t read those gossip blogs. I’m a social media addict but most of those gossip websites are the worst. I only found out about it because Leo linked this one to me, and he only found out because one of his theatre buddies told him.”

Phichit probably kept talking after that, but Yuuri wasn’t really listening anymore. The sound of the panic in his head was getting too loud for him to hear anything else.

All this time he’d thought they were being careful, and it was for nothing.

“Yuuri…come back to bed,” came Viktor’s sleepy voice from the bedroom doorway. “What are you even looking at right now?”

“I have to go,” Yuuri said to Phichit, ending the call before his friend could say anything else and letting the phone fall to the cushion next to him.

Viktor had approached by then, hand sliding through Yuuri’s hair. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

Yuuri looked up at him, swallowing thickly. “We’ve got a problem.”

Viktor’s eyes moved slowly from Yuuri’s face to the computer screen. Yuuri could do nothing but watch Viktor read the caption underneath the photo of him. His eyebrows rose towards his hairline, and he cleared his throat, standing up straighter. He was suddenly very wide awake. “Well, that’s…something,” he said.

Yuuri shut the laptop and set it aside, sighing heavily, shaking his head. “What are we going to do? This is all over the internet.”

Viktor paused, thinking about it. Then, he just…shrugged. He just shrugged. Like this was no big deal.

“Well, I guess the secret’s out!” Viktor laughed, head tilting slightly to the side.

THIS WAS A VERY BIG DEAL.

“It’s not funny!” Yuuri cried, jumping to his feet. “This could mess up everything we’ve all worked for, and you’re laughing?”

Viktor’s mouth snapped shut so fast it was a wonder Yuuri didn’t hear his teeth clack together. He looked at the floor and then back at Yuuri, lost for words for a moment. He had that same look on his face that he always did whenever he realized that they couldn’t go out together. It made Yuuri’s whole body ache.

“Yuuri…I…I’m sorry,” Viktor said after a beat. “It’s just…there’s no use in dwelling on it, right? It’s out there so we might as well move on from it.”

Yuuri wanted it to be that simple, that easy, but it wasn’t. How could it be? How could Viktor think that they could just shrug it off? Their show…everything they’d accomplished…and all Yuuri would end up being was Viktor’s boyfriend. All he’d ever wanted was to sing. All he’d ever wanted was to belong on that stage, an equal with Viktor, not…or not just…or…

“That’s easy for you to say. Everyone already respects and admires you! No one’s going to write _you_ off!”

As soon as Yuuri said it, he knew he shouldn’t have. Viktor’s shoulders went rigid, and he looked like he was trying very hard _not_ to be upset.

“Write you off? I’m…sorry, what exactly do you mean by that?”

Yuuri knew deep down that now would be a good time to shut the fuck up. He needed to calm down and try and figure out a way to word this so that no one got hurt.

He’d never been very good under pressure.

“You know what I mean!” he said instead, without a single thought as to whether those were the words he should have used. “Your reputation’s already been built in this world, and no one’s going to assume that _you’re_ a hack who has to sleep with the director to get a part in a show!”

Viktor looked a combination of confused and offended, but he was still shoving those feelings down as far as he could get them. He was trying so much harder than Yuuri was to talk about this correctly…

Why the hell did a guy like him even _want_ a guy like Yuuri?

“That’s—okay, wait,” Viktor said, shaking his head. “You… You said that you wanted to keep this secret for now because of the show. You said you wanted to do it out of respect for _me_. You were worried about what people would think of the _show_ , not _you_ …or…were you just saying that to spare my feelings? How… How long were you planning on keeping me a secret, Yuuri?”

“I—n—no,” Yuuri said, immediately floundering. “No, I wasn’t trying to keep you a secret. I told Phichit—”

“You told me not to tell _anyone_!”

Yuuri swallowed around the knot in his throat. He had finally shut up, but it felt too little too late.

Viktor stared at him, chest rising and falling with each shaky breath. It was taking everything in the man’s body not to crack. “So…you get a say in who knows about us, but I don’t. This wasn’t about me at all. It was about your career.”

Now was probably when Yuuri should have said something, but his stupid mouth now couldn’t seem to find words. His timing was the worst.

Viktor looked at the ground, and he seemed heavier, and darker, and smaller than before. Disbelief crowded in around his hurt, each expression fighting for dominance on his face. Yuuri had never seen him so lost.

Then, he said, so softly that Yuuri barely heard him, “Are you…ashamed of me? Is it really so bad to be known as someone connected with me in such a way?”

Yuuri didn’t know why his eyes filled with tears at that statement. It was either because he felt guilty for ever making Viktor even feel that way, or worse, that maybe in some way he had been. Viktor had reached out to him in that library all those months ago to try and rescue him, to nurture his love of theatre and his talent without allowing him to lose sight of things along the way… but Yuuri had spent a great many years imitating Viktor Nikiforov, and he’d gotten very good at it. He’d put his place in the spotlight first because it was so much harder to disappoint than a person. He’d gotten so wrapped up in one dream coming true, that he hadn’t realized the nightmares he was making for someone else.

He didn’t deserve Viktor.

He didn’t deserve anything he’d gotten.

...But that was just it, wasn’t it?

Yuuri wasn’t good enough.

He couldn’t stand on his own merits because he was nothing more than a cheap imitation of Viktor.

He was hiding the relationship because he didn’t want to ruin Viktor’s life by being a part of it. At least if the show failed and no one knew about their relationship, the blame would rest on his own lack of talent… and if by some miracle it succeeded and Yuuri won Viktor that Tony, he could feel like he was finally deserving of his love. He’d been so foolish…

So, so foolish.

“I’m not ashamed of you,” Yuuri said, voice wobbling as his tears finally fell. It seemed like Viktor was struggling not to move closer to him and comfort. Yuuri dropped his face into his hands, unable to bear looking at him. “I’m not ashamed of you,” he said again, followed by, “I’m sorry…”

 _I’m ashamed of_ **_me_** _._

_I’m not good enough to be a star. I’m not good enough to be your star. I’m not good enough to be yours…_

Viktor caved. Yuuri knew that much because his arms were wrapping around Yuuri, pulling him close. “I’m sorry,” Viktor said, as if he had anything to apologize for. “I’ve failed you. I’m so sorry…”

Yuuri had been kidding himself all of this time, thinking that his relationship with Viktor would spoil the success of the show. He’d never felt like the show would ultimately be a success because he couldn’t carry it on his own. Maybe he was just looking for an excuse. It wasn’t Viktor’s fault that he’d made like Icarus and flown too close to the sun.

“Yuuri, please…we don’t have to talk about this right now. What’s done is done. Let’s just go back to bed and sleep on it and worry about it later, okay? Everything’s going to be fine.”

“This is what you wanted all along,” Yuuri said, voice muffled against his chest. He didn’t know why he was so accusatory. Maybe he was just so mad at himself that he needed something, or someone, to take it out on.

Viktor flinched. He also didn’t deny it. It was his turn to fall silent, apparently.

“Why are you mad at me?” Viktor asked after a few moments. “I didn’t do anything.”

 _I’m mad at myself, not you_ , he thought but didn’t say.

“I…” Viktor said, letting his arms drop from Yuuri’s shoulders. He likely didn’t feel very welcome there now. “I’m not going to deny that I…that I wanted to tell other people about us. I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. I want the world to know you, and I want the world to know you’re mine. I didn’t want to hide…I’ve spent so much of my life hiding.”

“Then why didn’t you say that before?!” Yuuri shouted, voice feeling raw in his throat. “You said you were fine with it! If you weren’t fine with it, then you should have just said so!”

Viktor sagged like all of the air had drained out of him. His eyes went back to the floor. “I’m sorry…” he said again, voice low, eyelashes damp. “You’re right, I…I just wanted to make you happy…”

Yuuri thought throwing himself out the giant picture windows of Viktor’s apartment might have been a good idea, but he didn’t act on it. In fact, he didn’t _do_ anything. He didn’t _say_ anything.

 _You fucking coward_ , he said to himself.

_You will never deserve him._


	32. Chapter 32

**Thirty-Two.**

“What do you mean you’re gonna quit?!”

Yuuri looked up from the breakfast he’d made only to push around on the plate. Phichit was standing, hands on the tabletop, looking as furious as Yuuri had ever seen him (which was still admittedly not that much, since Phichit was a literal ray of sunshine and only showed his true darkness during his instances of road rage).

“Rehearsal yesterday was a nightmare. Everyone keeps staring at me, and…every time Viktor and I try to talk to each other… We just can’t. I just can’t. I don’t—I don’t deserve this show, Phichit. I should just go back to being a nobody.”

“It’s a little late for that, Yuuri! The show goes on in four days. You’re in magazines. People know about you. We’ve had paparazzi outside of _our_ apartment, for God’s sakes! You can’t just quit at the last minute because your anxiety made you do something dickish.”

“Have you considered the possibility that I am actually just a dickhead?” Yuuri asked flatly.

“No,” Phichit said, “of course not, because I know you’re not, but I know that shitty little voice in your head tries to ruin your life every time you got something good going for you, so I’m taking a stand against it. Somebody should, if you won’t do it.”

“Phichit…”

“Uh-uh, no buts.”

“I didn’t say but.”

“You implied it.”

Yuuri sagged, looking back at his uneaten breakfast. He hadn’t really felt like he was going to actually quit, of course. Phichit was right in that aspect that it was far too late to be making those sorts of decisions. Viktor had already been hurt him him enough, after all—if Yuuri dropped out now… Well, he didn’t really want to think of how much he’d hate himself then.

“What am I supposed to do?” Yuuri cried, eyes welling with tears. “The show’s going to fail, and it’s going to be my fault!”

“It’s not going to fail!” Phichit said firmly. “You know why? Because you are going to get. Your shit. Together. This is too important to let your brain fuck you over. It’s too important to Viktor, and, damn it, it’s too important to _you_.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure how to respond, so he didn’t say anything.

Phichit let out a long sigh, all of his anger sloughing off of him. He ran his hands through his hair and said, “Help me understand all this, okay? You barely talked about what happened between the two of you after the secret got out. All I really know about it is that it didn’t go well and you started sleeping here again. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to actually see you again since I’d begun to worry you’d forget you even had a place with me and I can’t afford the rent by myself, but…I hate seeing you like this. You’d come so far in the last several months. You were shining and so happy… I wanna help fix it. Help me help you, Yuuri.”

“I don’t know if there’s anything you can do, Phichit. I’m the one who messed all of this up. Viktor, he…he’s too good for me. He’s not even mad at me, and I lied to him. I lied to him because I was lying to myself.”

Phichit sat, scooting his chair close to Yuuri’s as if they were discussing something secret and personal that no one else should hear, even though they were the only ones in the apartment. “How did you lie?” he asked, voice soft.

“I… I told him I wanted to keep us a secret for the sake of _Complex_ , but…I didn’t. I wanted to keep it a secret because I’m selfish. I didn’t want anyone to know about us because I hadn’t proven myself to be good enough yet. I know you told me that it doesn’t matter, but it _does_. It does to me, at least. I just…didn’t feel like the show would ultimately succeed with me in the lead. I was too afraid to fail. I never should have started the relationship to begin with when I felt that way, but…fuck. I just wanted him so bad. I loved him so much. I’m so selfish.”

Yuuri shoved his plate aside and laid his head down, burying his face in his arms.

“So, basically,” Phichit said slowly, hand rubbing soothing circles on his back, “you freaked out really bad and you made some not-so-great choices. It doesn’t sound like you were selfish, though. It just sounds like you lacked your confidence, as usual, and so you got scared. I told you that being in love was kinda scary, man. I tried to warn you.”

“I get it, Phichit. You told me so. You were right, and I was wrong.”

“I’m not trying to shove it in your face, all right? It’s kind of my fault anyway because I didn’t tell you the good part.”

“The good part?”

“That even though it’s scary, it’s so, so worth it.”

“How would you know? You’ve never been in love, have you?”

“Well…no,” Phichit said, “but that isn’t what I mean anyway. Certain love might not be worth the scariness in the long run, but I was talking about yours and Viktor’s relationship specifically. I already know it’d be worth the whole damned world because I saw who you became when you were with him. I saw who he became when he was with you. You’re both better people when you’re together.”

“I don’t see how that’s possible,” Yuuri said, voice muffled. “Viktor’s already so great. How could he be better with me?”

“You would know,” Phichit said, “because you’ve only really known him after he’s known you. That wonderful, great, amazing Viktor is the Viktor that I’m talking about. You said so yourself that JJ told you he was different before.”

Yuuri lifted his gaze so he could look at Phichit’s expression, but he didn’t quite sit up just yet. “Yeah, but…there wasn’t any proof that _I_ was the cause.”

Phichit huffed, rolling his eyes. “Okay, even though you’re wrong about that, and you know that, I’m gonna let it lie for a minute. Let’s talk about you instead.”

“What about me?”

“I’m talking about the you that you became when you met him. The you that you don’t even realize that you are. Do you not realize just how far you’ve come? Where you are now?”

“I know—”

“No, you don’t. I’m gonna stop you right there because no, you absolutely don’t, because you don’t see yourself the way that I do or the way that Viktor does. I watched it happen, Yuuri. The night you came into our dorm room looking terrified, I saw something else in your face that I’d never seen before.”

“What was that?”

“Light.”

Yuuri sat up now, blinking slowly. “Light?” he queried, confused.

Phichit nodded. “Now, I don’t know if maybe that light had been there before, back before I knew you, back when you were singing, but I know it hadn’t been there the entire time you were studying English. Were you good at English? Absolutely…but did you love it? No. Yuuri…” Phichit reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “Love makes you light up. It’s amazing.”

Yuuri blinked again, and his lips parted but no sound came out.

Phichit continued. “Your light flickered to life the night you met Viktor, and then every time you’d go see him, it would get brighter and brighter. Your smiles got warmer when you talked about him. Your eyes lit up when you were reading lines with me and you’d stop to comment on how amazing the script was or to tell me something Viktor had told you about it. You found _passion_. You stopped being Yuuri-the-nobody. I watched you blossom into Yuuri-the-Broadway-Star! And you believed it! You believed you could do it! Right up until that little voice in your head told you that you couldn’t.”

Yuuri’s expression crumpled, fat tears welling up and falling before he could even manage to think about trying to stop them.

“Well, what do I do?” he blubbered.

“Two things,” Phichit said, wrapping his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders. “First, you tell that terrible voice in your head to shove it, and second, you put on the best performance of your goddamn life, and you don’t do it for me, and you don’t do it for Viktor, and you don’t do it for anyone in this world except yourself, you got that?”

Yuuri nodded, wiping uselessly at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

“Bring it in, come on,” Phichit said gently, tugging Yuuri into a full embrace. “It’s all right.”

“What about Viktor though?” Yuuri asked.

“Well, since I’m clearly the best at giving advice here,” Phichit said, “my suggestion is that you go and talk to him. Apologize. I hear make-up sex is awesome.”

“ _Phichit_!”

Phichit laughed. “Seriously though, Viktor would hang the moon for you, obviously. If you want him, have him. If you think you don’t deserve him, then strive to do better every day…but don’t give up. Do you love him?”

“Yeah, of course I do.”

“Then fight for him. Stop worrying about the show or the crowds or that voice in your head, all right? Everything will play out how it plays out, and you don’t actually have to try and control it all. And maybe it’s about time you tell yourself something else too.”

“And that is?”

“The show doesn’t have to be a success.”

Yuuri jolted back from Phichit’s hug, scandalized. “What?”

“It doesn’t have to be a success, Yuuri. Personally, I think it’s great and it will be super successful and your worrying is ridiculous, but…if it fails, it fails. The main point is, if you’re proud of the work you do, then it doesn’t matter in the long run. You think I’ve never taken a photo in for critique that I loved and got my ass handed to me? I might work harder on the next one, but I don’t stop loving that photo because I tried really hard and it’s a part of me. This show, _Complex_ , it’s not just a show. It’s a part of you too, Yuuri. It’s your art. All of you guys made it together, and you’re gonna love being in it no matter if it wins awards or not. Viktor chose all of you to share this show with all of you. Remember how you felt closing night during the workshop? You didn’t care if it went to Broadway. You loved what you all had created. That’s what matters.”

Yuuri felt his tears stop. He sat up straighter, expression softer, and he said the only thing he could think to say. “You’re right. Oh, my God…you’re…you’re so right.”

“I know!” Phichit said. “Haven’t you noticed that good things happen to you when you listen to me?”

Yuuri was already digging out his phone. He couldn’t help but think of how Phichit had taken his phone from him that first night, helping him make those steps to talk to Viktor when he was too afraid to.

He wasn’t afraid anymore.

...But he was still going to text, rather than call.

 _Hey,_ he texted, hesitated, then added. _Can we talk_

There was a long delay before the response, but Yuuri did his best to ignore the worries trying to sprout wings in his head.

Then…

**Breakfast?**

Well, he certainly hadn’t eaten the breakfast he’d made, so he figured he might as well.

 _Sure_ , Yuuri texted back. _Pushcart coffee?_

**I’ll be there**

There was another delay, and then Yuuri’s phone dinged again.

Yuuri didn’t cry again, but it was a close thing.

 **I love you** , said Viktor.

\--

Yuuri didn’t see anyone taking photos when he left, but he wasn’t quite so good at spotting them as Phichit had been. He wondered if his face would end up on blogs again for going to breakfast with his boyfriend.

He liked to think they were still together… Surely they were still together, right?

Thinking too hard about that made him nauseous, so he just sat on the subway train and looked at the text message on his phone until he felt better.

When he arrived, Viktor was not there yet, so he waited outside. It was warm to the point that he wished he’d worn shorts, but he still wanted to look nice. Honestly, the only reason he suspected Viktor wasn’t here yet was because he was being just as careful at picking out his wardrobe before leaving.

“Yuuri!”

Right on cue, there he was, dressed just a smidgen too nice for the casual atmosphere, and he looked nervous.

Well, nervous was the kind way to put it.

He looked like an absolute _wreck._

He didn’t look like he’d slept a wink, which wasn’t surprising considering they were in tech week for _Complex_. They’d all been working long, long hours and stressing about show time, but Yuuri still felt at least partially responsible for how exhausted Viktor looked.

“Good morning,” Viktor said, somewhat awkwardly. His fingers were twitching at his side, like he wanted to reach out and touch but was afraid to. Yuuri supposed he’d been the cause for that too.

It didn’t matter anymore. Everyone already knew.

Yuuri reached out and pulled him close, burying his face in the curve of his neck, and _God_ , it felt like coming home. Yuuri didn’t realize how much he’d missed this until it was back. He wanted to sink into Viktor’s embrace and never let go. Viktor himself must have been of a similar sentiment because Yuuri felt his whole body relax into the embrace.

“You smell good,” Viktor said, voice wobbling a little. His laughter that followed was still nervous. Yuuri didn’t know why the sentence made him want to hold him all the tighter, but he did it anyway.

“Let’s go in,” Yuuri said only after a minute, and even then it took a moment or two for Viktor to let go.

They settled in at the same table they’d sat at all those months ago with muffins and cappuccinos, but Yuuri barely even registered his breakfast. He couldn’t stop looking at Viktor’s face, like he hadn’t seen him in months even though it had only been hours.

Viktor wasn’t looking at him though. No, he was looking down into his coffee, expression cautious. Yuuri supposed it was fair that he be uncertain as to how this was going to go, considering how their last conversation had gone.

Yuuri supposed he should start, just like Phichit had told him to. “Viktor,” he said softly. “I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying and…and for acting so terrible. I don’t know if you could ever forgive me.”

“Yuuri,” Viktor said, reaching out and placing his hand on top of his. He met his gaze then, and his expression was so soft and almost piteous. “Forgive you? I was never mad at you.”

Yuuri stared. “How?” he asked, after a moment. “How could you not be mad? I lied to you. I hurt you. You should be furious with me!”

Viktor shrugged a shoulder. “I guess I sort of felt like you were furious enough at yourself for the both of us.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure what to say to that. He bit his lip and looked down at where Viktor’s thumb was rubbing small circles on his wrist.

“Yuuri,” Viktor said, “I can’t be angry with you for lacking confidence. I felt like I’d failed you for not getting you to the point that you could see how wonderful you truly are.”

“That’s not your fault,” Yuuri said, turning his hand over so that he could squeeze Viktor’s palm. “My head is…a messy place. It’s not your responsibility to try and root out the truths and falsehoods inside of it. That’s my job. I’m not always very good at it, but I do know I wanna keep working on it…and I wanna keep doing the show…and…I wanna stay with you.”

Relief washed over Viktor’s features. “I want to stay with you too,” he said. “I don’t want to hide from anyone. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want you to be alone anymore either. I want to keep sharing this dream together with you for as long as it lasts.

“I know it won’t always be easy. I know I’m still not very good at expressing myself. I should have told you how I felt from the start. I’m going to keep trying to be better though. You make me want to be better.”

“You don’t just make me want to be better, Viktor. I am better when I’m with you.”

Viktor lifted Yuuri’s hand and pressed a kiss to the knuckles. “I have all the faith in the world in you, Yuuri. I just ask for you to have the same faith in me, even when I am…difficult to love.”

Yuuri snorted. “Viktor!” he scoffed. “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

Viktor lit up, and Yuuri couldn’t help but think that maybe that was the light Phichit was talking about that he’d seen in Yuuri. It really was beautiful.

Honestly, he really couldn’t help himself when he leaned across the table and kissed him.

If there were people around taking pictures, they could eat their fucking hearts out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're in the home stretch y'all.... probably one to two chapters left <3


	33. Chapter 33

**Thirty-Three.**

“Yuuri!”

Yuuri’s parents weren’t exactly the overly affectionate type with him, mostly because he was usually uncomfortable when touched unexpectedly. His mother and father had always respected his boundaries in that way, but when he picked them up from the airport today, he did find the urge to embrace them was stronger than it had ever been. It had been far too long since he’d seen them and Mari, so he couldn’t help himself. Seeing them, as well as Minako and Celestino, just left him overjoyed to the point that he had to hug each one of them. Thankfully, even through their surprise, they hugged back.

“I don’t have a whole lot of time because I have to get back to rehearsal,” he said after he was done. “I’m so happy you could all come.”

“We wouldn’t miss it!” Minako said enthusiastically. “I can’t believe you’re on Broadway and you’re dating Viktor!”

Yuuri blushed. “Ah…you know about that then, huh.”

“I hope you’ll introduce us to your boyfriend,” Yuuri’s dad said pleasantly.

“Minako says he’s a nice boy,” said Yuuri’s mom. “He looks just like the boy from the posters in your room.”

Yuuri’s blushed all the deeper. “He _is_ the boy from the posters in my room, Mom.”

“Oh, that’s lovely!”

“You better introduce me too, Yuuri!” Minako said, wrapping her arm just a tad too tightly around Yuuri’s neck. “You’ve been holding out on us!”

“I didn’t think you had it in you,” Celestino said, laughing. “You’re just full of surprises, aren’t you!”

“I guess…” Yuuri said, embarrassed.

“Ahh, I’m so excited!” Minako exclaimed, bouncing on her heels.

“To see Viktor?” Yuuri asked flatly.

“No, to see _you_. This is so amazing!”

Yuuri blinked, surprised, then smiled. “Yeah. It really is.”

\--

He dropped his family off at the hotel, confident that they could make it to the theatre before showtime. His parents didn’t speak a whole lot of English, but Celestino was fluent, so Yuuri knew he could get them where they needed to go. It was still hard for him to leave, just because the comfort of having them around put him at ease, but he knew he had things to do and places to be.

Tonight was opening night, after all.

He was trying not to let his nerves get to him, but he could feel them rearing their ugly heads. Even as he made his way out to the curb to hail a taxi to take him to rehearsal, he noticed his hands were shaking. He noticed it just as someone was taking one of those shaking hands in their own.

He turned, surprised to find Mari behind him, smiling. “You alright, little brother?”

Yuuri swallowed, nodded. “Yeah, just…”

“Everything?”

“Yeah.”

She squeezed his hand and let go, digging a cigarette out of her bag to light up. She stood there for a minute or two, just puffing on the cigarette before she said, “You know… we’re all really proud of you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri snorted. “You haven’t even seen the show yet.”

“We don’t have to see it to be proud of you, you know,” she said, glancing at him, a smile lightly playing across her features. “Yuuri, you’ve overcome so much in the pursuit of your dream. You’ve found someone to open your heart to, and you actually opened it. You know…we were worried about you when you left Hasetsu to go to school here.”

Yuuri’s eyebrows shot up. “Worried? Why?”

“Because it seemed like you were… I don’t know, like you were _settling_ . You weren’t _unhappy_ , but…it just didn’t seem to be what you really wanted. You were going with the comfortable, safe option, but we all knew you still wanted to sing. Those times when you were in the hot springs by yourself or in your room when you thought no one was around, we could hear you singing. No matter how closed off and quiet you were at any other time, when you sang, you opened right up. We’ve always loved listening to you sing. When mom found out you were doing this, you should have seen how excited she was. When the magazine articles and websites started posting about the show, she started collecting all of it. She’s got a scrapbook, so be prepared. She’s going to ask you for more pictures.”

Yuuri laughed, scrubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “So… You have the articles about me and Viktor too then, huh…”

“The internet seems to think you two are adorable,” Mari chuckled. “Mom and Dad don’t completely grasp how famous he is, but they’re inclined to agree with the internet. Does he treat you well?”

“Better than I deserve. He’s too good for me.”

“I think he’s exactly the right amount of good for you. You’re a new man, little brother. You just… glow.”

Yuuri looked away, blushing. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. “That’s what Phichit says too.”

She dropped her cigarette on the curb and stamped it out with the toe of her boot. “Knock ‘em dead tonight, Yuuri.” Then, in English, she added, “Break a leg.”

“Everything will be fine,” Yuuri said, slightly breathless. “I can do this.”

\--

He couldn’t do this.

Okay, well he _could_ , but he definitely wanted to walk back out when he came in for rehearsal and found a frenzy of panicked actors scrambling and worried over something. Everyone looked concerned except for three people—Christophe, who looked angry; Viktor, who looked guilty; and Yuri Plisetsky, who looked oddly satisfied.

“What’s going on?” Yuuri asked.

“We’ve got a problem.”

Yuuri jolted and looked next to him where Seung-Gil was standing. He’d been so quiet he hadn’t even noticed he was there.

“P—Pardon?”

“We’ve got a problem,” he repeated. Seung-Gil extended his arm, pointing off to the side at a very distressed Jean-Jacques was scribbling in a notebook as Yuri descended into a fit of cruel giggles.

JJ turned the notebook around, and Yuuri could glean just what had gone wrong by what it said.

_I can still sing! Just let me gargle with salt water and it’ll come back!_

“Our good friend laryngitis,” Seung-Gil said, deadpan. “Perhaps it wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t talk so much.”

“I _told_ you this would happen,” Christophe said to Viktor, “but you’re so damned stubborn.”

“He’s never lost his voice before now! It’s your fault for writing such a demanding vocal part for Peter,” Viktor huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

Christophe seemed to briefly consider strangling Viktor but eventually thought better of it. “Well, Mr. I-Don’t-Need-to-Hire-Understudies, who’s going to play Peter tonight? We’ve got a sold out crowd to attend to, and all of our names are on the line. You promised all of us that this show would be a success, so you’d best deliver.”

Everyone went still and all eyes were on Viktor, and it was his turn to look nervous and uncomfortable. JJ started scribbling in his notebook, but Yuri promptly placed his hand on the back of it and pushed it down onto the table. Apparently he had a hard time quieting down even without a voice.

Poor Viktor. He was floundering. So, Yuuri stepped in. “Viktor, you can play the part.”

All eyes shifted from Viktor to Yuuri.

“Uh… well, I mean, you did say you could fill in if needed, right? And you know the moves, the script, the songs. You probably know them better than all of us do, so… you could do it, right?”

And Viktor…hesitated.

In fact, he did more than that. Without a word he promptly _walked out_.

JJ went immediately for his water bottle, trying to gargle his voice back to life. Christophe rolled his eyes and announced that they might as well warm up and hope for the best.

Yuuri followed Viktor.

Viktor had made his way out to the bathroom, the door clapping shut behind him. Yuuri entered quietly and found Viktor hunched over the sink, hands knuckle-white on the porcelain.

“Viktor?” Yuuri said softly.

“This is all my fault,” Viktor said. “I’ve ruined the show… I’m so sorry, Yuuri. Oh, _God_...”

“You haven’t ruined anything…”

As Yuuri approached, however, he realized just what was happening. When Viktor turned towards him, his eyelashes were damp with tears, his breath was quick and unsteady, and his hands were trembling. Viktor was upset. Viktor was _terrified_. Viktor was…

Viktor was having an anxiety attack.

Thankfully, Yuuri was an expert on this sort of thing.

“Okay, it’s okay,” Yuuri said, holding up his hands in a placating manner. Try to breathe with me, okay? In and out, slowly. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Follow me.”

“It’s all my fault. Everyone’s mad at me, and I can’t play the part, I can’t…” Viktor whimpered, but he was trying to follow Yuuri’s instructions anyway, imitating his breathing pattern.

“You _can_ play the part,” Yuuri said, keeping his voice as calm and as gentle as he could. “You know it better than anyone. You know all of the parts.”

“I _know_ , bu—I know… I’m not… I can’t. I’m not good enough.”

Yuuri would have found the statement ridiculous had he not heard it a million times in his own head in this exact situation. He felt badly that he’d never even considered Viktor would think such a thing about himself, but then, he supposed it wasn’t entirely unprecedented to be uncertain on what was likely the biggest night of Viktor’s life. _Complex_ wasn’t just a show Viktor starred in. The characters weren’t people he could hide from himself in. He’d written them. They _were_ him. The whole reason he’d refused to star in it to begin with was because it was so personal for him.

“You are good enough,” Yuuri said, holding out his hands for Viktor to take, but only if he wanted to. He didn’t want to touch him without his permission in case it made his anxiety attack worse. “Viktor, you’re the best that’s ever been. You’re everything I ever strived to be. You’re strong, and you’re talented, and everyone’s going to love you.”

Viktor took Yuuri’s hands, swallowing thickly. He appeared to be calming down. “What if the show isn’t well received?” he asked softly.

“Are you proud of it?”

Viktor sniffed, nodded.

“Then who cares what anyone else thinks? I’m… I’m still learning that too, I know, but… You and I, we’re gonna do this together, and it’s going to be great… I have all the faith in the world in you, Viktor.”

Viktor pulled Yuuri in close, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry,” Viktor sighed, relaxing in increments.

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. Considering how many freak outs I have on a daily basis, I sure as hell think you’ve earned one… Just keep breathing, okay? It’s going to be fine. You’re not alone, Viktor. You’ll never be alone again.”

Viktor shuddered like he might start sobbing, but he managed to refrain. When he pulled away from the embrace, he was smiling. “You’re right,” he said. “I can do this. _We_ can do this.”

And Yuuri believed him.

In fact, for what felt like the first time in his life, Yuuri wasn’t nervous at all.

\--

The curtain came up, the lights came on, and Yuuri entered stage left as the music in the orchestra pit swelled to life with the introduction of “Father of Year.” Yuuri had sung it enough times now that it was muscle memory, but when he stepped out onto that stage the feeling was brand new. He felt _electrified_ , the music _soaring_ out of him. It wasn’t _quite_ as magnificent a feeling as it was when he kissed Viktor the first time, but damn if it wasn’t as close as he’d ever gotten! Fear was the furthest thing from his mind in that moment, his body overwhelmed with the sheer bliss he achieved from performing on this stage and in front of all these people. He thought maybe he could get addicted to this feeling. He never wanted to stop performing.

As “Father of the Year” came to a close, Henry’s front door slammed open with the introduction of “Hey Neighbor.” Yuuri had never performed it with anyone but JJ, so as he turned around and Viktor sauntered in, he couldn’t help but be fascinated. Viktor’s version of Peter was immediately different from JJ’s. While JJ’s version was loud and boisterous and all frantic energy, Viktor’s was a little subtler, a little more delicate (though he was still hamming it up in a way only Viktor could do). He was very much a different kind of Peter, and yet still Peter entirely. Yuuri couldn’t help but feel his own version of Henry soften just a tad around Viktor’s version. There was a tenderness about Viktor’s Peter that made Yuuri’s Henry want to protect him instantly. Perhaps that was just pulling from their own relationship though.

As the song came to an end, Yuuri collapsed onto the sofa, playing the overwhelmed and confused Henry perfectly to the sound of laughter in the audience. He suddenly, at least very briefly, didn’t feel like he was acting.

_You’re sharing the stage with Viktor Nikiforov_.

_Just like you always wanted_.

\--

Yuuri only had a brief amount of time to get to his phone during intermission, so he sent off a quick text to Phichit.

_How is the crowd responding_

He hoped it was a good thing that Phichit’s only and immediate response was— **dude. DUDE.**

The audience certainly seemed to be enjoying it from what Yuuri had heard while performing, though he hadn’t been paying too much attention. He’d been too busy focusing on playing the part and having too much fun.

He glanced up to see Viktor peeking through the crack at the edge of the curtains, surveying the audience’s faces. “Do you think they like it?” he asked quietly.

Yuuri showed Viktor Phichit’s text message and promptly dragged him away. “Come on,” he said. “Act Two is about to start.”

\--

It was over.

Months upon months of blood, sweat, and tears had been for this moment. Yuuri and Yuri sang out their final notes with the rest of the cast in chorus behind them, and the lights went dark.

It felt far too fast.

Yuuri watched from backstage as the ensemble came out for curtain call and bowed to raucous applause. The applause only grew when Georgi, Sara, Mila, and Otabek all came out and took a bow together. Yuuri thought the house was going to be brought down when Yuri and Viktor came out.

...And then…

When Yuuri came out the whole room erupted with cheers, and Yuuri very nearly stumbled at the sight of the standing crowd.

They were cheering this loudly… for _him_.

Yuuri Katsuki, the one-time nobody who used to think he couldn’t sing in front of a crowd had made them feel like _this_. Yuuri Katsuki, who had never felt like he was great at anything, had enthralled and inspired.

He stepped to center stage and bowed, and yes, _yes_ , Yuuri was certain he wanted to do this forever. He wanted to feel like this always. All he ever wanted to do was _sing_.

He turned then, seeing a hand extended in his direction. It was Viktor, and he was _beaming_ , and there were tears on his face.

He took Viktor’s hand, holding it like a lifeline, certain that now would be the time he would wake up from this dream because he surely must have been dreaming.

With the heat of the lights and the orchestra swelling, Yuuri held Viktor Nikiforov’s hand, remembering how they’d done this before on a table in a library, singing to a crowd, _this_ crowd, the one that didn’t exist yet. Yuuri had thought himself to be dreaming then too, hadn’t he?

_This is real_ , he told himself, and with that thought he just couldn’t stop smiling. The actors all took each other’s hands, and they bowed in tandem.

Yuuri was crying too when they lifted from the bow and then bowed again, but they were the most joyful tears he’d ever experienced. In that moment, Yuuri felt so overflowing with _love_ that he just couldn’t help himself. They gestured to the orchestra and Christophe, to the technical crew running the lights. They bowed a third time, and Viktor found absolutely no shame in pulling Yuuri close to kiss him in front of God and everyone, smiling into it, so full of affection and pride in this beautiful dream that they’d made together.

Yuuri loved Viktor.

Yuuri loved acting.

Yuuri loved New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand that's all she wrote, folks. Thanks for sticking with me for the ride! This has been my most popular fic to date, and I've been overwhelmed by the love and support I've gotten from all of y'all. I'm so grateful that you came along with me for this because this story has meant a lot to me. As someone who's been dealing with their own anxiety issues lately, working on this has been very therapeutic.
> 
> I also wanna send a special shout out to those of y'all who have made fanart, and playlists, and even been writing the songs from Complex! If you've made some and I haven't commented on it, please send it to me because I haven't seen it!
> 
> Any questions, comments, etc. feel free to leave it below or to message me on [tumblr.](http://some-radical-notion.tumblr.com)  
> [Fanart by supersemiconductor](http://supersemiconductor.tumblr.com/post/156582740790/maybe-yuuri-just-needed-to-sing-it-better-he-was)  
> ["Father of the Year" by justcallmesamorwhatever](https://justcallmesamorwhatever.tumblr.com/post/156998914505/excuse-my-facevoice-i-wrote-this-song-for-the)  
> ["Anybody Else" by justcallmesamorwhatever](https://justcallmesamorwhatever.tumblr.com/post/158459088933/and-now-ive-gone-and-written-anybody-else-from)  
> [Fanmix by mitsurudokun](http://mitsurudokun.tumblr.com/post/160414980955/this-is-where-i-land-you-are-what-ive-looked)

**Author's Note:**

> [i'm on tumblr](http://some-radical-notion.tumblr.com)


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